The talk

Thanks for your answer lilyg! Let’s see what he says! Anyway I’m happy for the time we had together and we still have some months to enjoy together if he decides for nothing moving forward 😊

Below, my unvetted thoughts:

I think it is definitely important to do it "in parallel" when you are both working together on something and having a good time and bonded over a shared accomplishment. (My fantasy would be while doing a home improvement project together) Keep it light and fun and non-confrontational, but still make it clear what YOU want....dont make it a fishing expedition for "what his feelings are" on this matter, because he may well not have thought about it at all, because it is new and scary and he doesn't want to think about change that may compromise what he has now.

Be sure to say how happy it would make YOU, and be concrete in terms of what you are interested in. (ie. Dont say "I'd like to be more serious" as that's vague and unclear and has more potential to be threatening and it's not clear what exactly he should do, more "I'd like to go on a vacation with you, see you x times a week, move in together, have a bin with my stuff here, get married etc.").

Also, make it an opening bid in a conversation that can take place over many weeks, where you can talk about doubts he or she might have, how such things can work, you can build up ideas/fantasies for how such a future might look etc. He may have difficulty visualizing what this future would look like, and from the void can only come fear, so flesh it out a bit and try to get him to participate in it so that it is HIS vision as well and not just yours. It's very important to make this a dialog and not an inquisitio. (If it's only your vision of the future being imposed on him, surely you can understand how this could make him feel like he is not in control)

Any kind of escalation/commitment is going to be difficult for your avoidant partner so you need to be very non-threatening and gentle, warm him up and coax out his insecurities and doubts and try to make clear that you are supportive and "on the same side".

If you do the opposite, of this...meet at a neutral location, face him directly across the table and make it short and confrontational, he's going to probably see you as the enemy, get scared and run/reinforce his boundaries.



Edit: To give you additional insight, my exgf occasionally asked "what are we?" Which filled me with anxiety, panic and dread and would make me instantly freeze up/freak out and say "I dont know!" And then hope that the pressure would disappear. I'm not sure exactly why I had this reaction, but on some level there was this fear that I could not give her what she wanted/was inadequate and I would then be abandoned.

Just reading the heading of this thread "The talk" fills me with irrational fear. I'm guessing it harkens back to memories of being lectured as a child, but I don't know.

Yes, totally do it while bonding over an activity (like epicgum said, with clear examples and both of you talking about what's important for both of you).

Great insight epicgum 🙂. So much clearer when you explain it.

my opinion on the matter is, that any negotiation between humans should be initiated by an offer to listen to what is important to the other person. so i think a sensitive question would be a good opener- such as "what is important to you in this involvement we have, what would you like to continue? I ask, because looking at my future, i aspire to certain things in my relationships and i wonder if we are interested in building the same things?"

i don't understand what it means to ask someone for a committed relationship in a talk like this. I really don't, because that means something very different to me than it does to the mainstream i think. i don't often see commitment being a promise to try to understand the other and make each other happy and well. instead, i often see commitment being a promise of permanency. these are very different things.

so, i think it's really important to think about what relationship means to you instead of asking for commitment. that's got to be the second most diseased word in the english language after "love."

i probably stink at giving advice about this, i don't have any experience with dating multiple people or dating at all.
any time i enter an ongoing sexual relationship its with the clear expectation that i'm not sharing myself with other men and don't tolerate sharing a sexual partner with other women. I just don't do that, even casually.
So, i put that out there from the beginning, that it's my ground rule.

In a One-Off sexual encounter not intended to continue, and i've had a few of those, it's don't ask don't tell. And, i'm clear that the encounter entails nothing but mutually agreed upon fun.

So, my current partner and i had the exclusive talk when we decided to become regular sexual partners, even without a "relationship" around it. We just ended up becoming inextricably attached to each other.

As for advice- i of course am a big advocate of just put your need and expectation out there and if it doesn't attract the kind of response you're looking for, then that person isn't compatible, i can't sweat that stuff because people are so stubborn and you can never make them give you what they don't want to give so it's better to just be true to yourself and the right person will like your ideas because they share them. Is that too simple? anything more complicated than that gives me such a headache.

sorry that might not be helpful. If someone doesn't want to be exclusive, there's a better someone who will. i feel like i'm enough for anyone and wouldn't mess with them if they aren't enough for me. too simple.

That's funny, I personally have never willingly had unprotected sex, and I was thinking this is part of both the control freak and the avoidant in me. For the future, I only plan to have unprotected sex when we are exclusive and have both gone to get tested together, and when I know them pretty well.