The talk

Well I sleep around when I'm single but I don't like having a friend with benefits situation. The maximum I can be like that it's between 2 months while I decide if I want to get exclusive with someone. If I don't, I leave. It makes me uncomfortable. And if I delevop feelings for someone I cannot think of him sleeping with someone else and I need to try an exclusive relationship with that person.

All the guys I've dated initiated 'the talk', I don't know why. The only talk I've initiated was with my current partner, in which it felt like a relationship but we've never talked about it until I had 'the talk' and I learned all about attachment styles after his reaction

I agree with this.  I always had focused talks as well with my ex for anything serious.  I guess I don't do well with distractions.  I also much prefer direct talk without someone dancing around the issue.  I like to know exactly what the person is asking and I can't stand when I feel like they are stepping around asking a direct question.  It seems sometimes people think I will give a different answer if they ask it in a certain way.  That's not the case for me.  It just gets frustrating when I know they want to ask something but hesitate.  I have no idea of this is a DA thing or not.  It's just my opinion.

Same here. 
Diplomacy is great, but dancing around the issue would only make me nervous and wary. 
A walk would be okay, but so is the kitchen table. Just make sure there is no noise or interrupting.
It would be good to have some tea.



"Dear Goldi, we have been seeing each other for a year and I enjoy your company. In the long run I am looking to be in a committed relationship. There is no rush to decide right now, but I do want you to consider the possibility over the next four weeks as I can better plan my career moves when I know where I stand in my personal life."

This would work for me. 

Then after a couple of weeks we can discuss, if I am also interested in committing, what we both want out of a relationship and what we are committing to.

I like that! Practical and easy! Just as Iike!

Well I actually felt very confident with myself. We are great together, so I thought it was just a matter of talking the obvious. I actually thought he hadn't told me anything because maybe in his country people took longer/were not that formal in expressing commitment. And then BAM hahahahaha he didn't know what to say and he went very distant for a couple of days and I went on vacation to clear my thoughts. So it was... unexpected to say the least hahaha. That's when I was introduced to attachment styles.

When I came back we talked about it, he told me he was terrible at relationships and it was worse if he liked someone a lot (and he liked me a lot, I could tell). We talked about our parents and traumas and expectations. He was very sincere. I saw him attracted and happy but still he wasn't prepared/willing to be in a relationship, but I told him I understood and to take time to think about what he wanted/needed.  A week passed and he decided to try because we were 'perfect for each other' and well... we stayed together, then broke up, talked about attachment styles, then got back together again after a month and here we are, loving each other and trying to create that couple's bubble that we need if we want a happy, lasting relationship.

This time I had more insight on attachment and I knew where he was coming from and my own fears (and we trusted each other enough to just talk frankly about things), we talked about attachment and love, more about his past, him feeling ready to be vulnerable and have a relationship, we being compatible in so many ways... I used to think that if a man didn't want a relationship is because he's not that into you... but I now can see maybe some people need more time to decide/the struggles of attachment. He talked about what he wanted in his life and from me, asked for another oportunity, and I told him what I expected from a relationship at this moment and in the future. So it went really good (and now that I think of it, I had this conversation at our favorite bar listening to sweet jazz music).

So what I'm trying to say is stay calm, engage and be clear but let him talk. With all the insight you know I'm sure you'll handle well the outcome!

I think it's good to have casual relationships if that's what you enjoy and it's great that you experiment your sexuality having those experiences made me understand myself in a very primal level.

Also, thanks everybody for the comments, it's insightful to know how you all prefer to do and act while talking about something like this

To each their own, all I can offer is my own feelings and experience and what I've read in books and on the web to try to understand the best techniques.

That said...I'm a bit skeptical that we share the same issues, and I think my case is more likely to be encountered "in the wild" by those asking the question. My advice is for people dealing with people like myself who have a (perhaps) irrational fear of intimacy/commitment/emotions/engulfment, and so the point of the "kid gloves" and other "sideways" aspects of it is to soften the threat that it poses and ease into it. You wouldn't ask a person with a phobia of snakes to go into the snake-pit alone...you'd go in holding their hand...and first you'd show pictures of snakes, and see a snake in a museum etc. same principal applies.

This assumes that both people ultimately want to get to the same committed place with one another, or at least give themselves the opportunity to get to that place without being derailed by their attachment system. If you WANT the other person to run away...it's easy enough to do that too!

Well, then you are going with a much better attitude than me (I SO learned something very important) Godspeed!