Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2018 21:29:39 GMT
This is very interesting. I always thought my partner was more DA, he has similarities... But his reaction to talking about this was confusion and fear the first time. So maybe FA as we got caught up in a fantasy of meeting until we had to think about what we wanted from it. He has many differences too in some other aspects š I'm trying to learn by experience interacting with him but all your input is gold! I don't think anyone really wants to think of themselves as FA either, I mean....fearful? The cultural script for men is to be strong, independent, unmoved...so DA is maybe too much of a good thing....for women, the cultural script (at least the old fashioned one) is to be loving, nurturing, caring...so if you "love too much" well, that's a bit of a romantic vice too, but FEARFUL?? I'm not sure there's a way to romanticize that one.Ā As a DA woman i always knew i was different and it caused conflict within me, i have felt very alien. Sometimes, i feel like maybe i was born in the wrong century, the wrong era. maybe i would have been a good pioneer woman, or a viking sheild maiden or whatever. I've tried to be another way but thete are things about myself i have to accept and love, difficult as they are, we are dealt a certain hand and just have to do the best we can with it. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2018 22:05:32 GMT
i swear, i think FA is more common than DA... or maybe most of the DA are just under rocks, single. š¤ This is actually a factor in my opinion. I started dating my first real boyfriend 18 years ago. I have had 2 stretches of not being on the dating market: One for 7 years and one for 5. Just living the dry spell, healing, reading, picking up hobbies and learning new skills. So I have only been dating for 6 years, of which 4 spent in relationships, so I have been on the market for 2 years total. Yep. If what they say about DA (that they don't pursue relationships) is true and it is true for me, the statistic is probably low to be in a relationship with one. I go long stretches between relationships (well, I have had 2). There are some others I would say are quasi relationships, but more than likely qualify as FWB or just B. A few years ago, I probably would have said that I have been in lots of relationships, but now, I think I see it more clearly what they really were. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2018 22:19:31 GMT
This is actually a factor in my opinion. I started dating my first real boyfriend 18 years ago. I have had 2 stretches of not being on the dating market: One for 7 years and one for 5. Just living the dry spell, healing, reading, picking up hobbies and learning new skills. So I have only been dating for 6 years, of which 4 spent in relationships, so I have been on the market for 2 years total. Yep.Ā If what they say about DA (that they don't pursue relationships) is true and it is true for me, the statistic is probably low to be in a relationship with one.Ā I go long stretches between relationships (well, I have had 2).Ā There are some others I would say are quasi relationships, but more than likely qualify as FWB or just B.Ā A few years ago, I probably would have said that I have been in lots of relationships, but now, I think I see it more clearly what they really were. this thread starts to depress me. my relationships in the past have been odd and unhealthy. i think that the relationship i am in now pales by many people's standards, but i am thankful to say that i have grown a lot and it is healthy, respectful, and intimate. we don't conduct our relationship like many people would, i have learned. to some, maybe it wouldn't qualify. but to me it's important. I think no matter how healthy i become, my relationships will always be different from mainstream, from the "standard." but i accept that. I sometimes feel that in this world i am just passing through, and it's good to have found a companion, i want to be the best companion i can. it's a lot better than being as isolated as i was. |
|
|
|
The talk
Sept 13, 2018 22:55:23 GMT
via mobile
Post by alexandra on Sept 13, 2018 22:55:23 GMT
this thread starts to depress me. my relationships in the past have been odd and unhealthy. i think that the relationship i am in now pales by many people's standards, but i am thankful to say that i have grown a lot and it is healthy, respectful, and intimate. Aw, don't let it depress you. Other people in this thread have shared your sentiments, so you're not alone in them. Many people who face traumatic childhoods don't get over them or get to have any stable quality of relationships; they're not strong or aware enough to do the work. Other people's standards shouldn't matter, because you've still fought to find ways to connect and succeeded in spite of having the cards stacked against you. If those connections are satisfying to you, that's all that matters. Be proud of your strength in getting there. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Sept 13, 2018 23:06:44 GMT
this thread starts to depress me. my relationships in the past have been odd and unhealthy. i think that the relationship i am in now pales by many people's standards, but i am thankful to say that i have grown a lot and it is healthy, respectful, and intimate. Aw, don't let it depress you. Other people in this thread have shared your sentiments, so you're not alone in them. Many people who face traumatic childhoods don't get over them or get to have any stable quality of relationships; they're not strong or aware enough to do the work. Other people's standards shouldn't matter, because you've still fought to find ways to connect and succeeded in spite of having the cards stacked against you. If those connections are satisfying to you, that's all that matters. Be proud of your strength in getting there. I think you are one of the most satisfied people on this board in terms of relationships. Most of us are broken hearted or frustrated! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2018 23:21:06 GMT
Aw, don't let it depress you. Other people in this thread have shared your sentiments, so you're not alone in them. Many people who face traumatic childhoods don't get over them or get to have any stable quality of relationships; they're not strong or aware enough to do the work. Other people's standards shouldn't matter, because you've still fought to find ways to connect and succeeded in spite of having the cards stacked against you. If those connections are satisfying to you, that's all that matters. Be proud of your strength in getting there. Ā I think you are one of the most satisfied people on this board in terms of relationships. Most of us are broken hearted or frustrated! i am thankful, for sure, but also, i feel pathetic and so inadequate for this sometimes. i'm sure we all feel this way, at some point, at many points. i get so confused, i feel so overwhelmed at times, and i see people just doing normal life with "normal" relationships minus all the crippling fear. i am aware that it is folly to judge my insides by another person's outsides. But sometimes i feel like a freak. maybe i am just grieving and processing. my mom was a really sick person emotionally and she just passed in June. i just feel messed up sometimes. i'm sure we all do. sorry for the pity party. no she passed in july. i am not good with time. it hasn't been very long. i have some grief behind a wall but i can't get to it. all of this is related. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 13, 2018 23:54:17 GMT
i am thankful, for sure, but also, i feel pathetic and so inadequate for this sometimes. i'm sure we all feel this way, at some point, at many points. i get so confused, i feel so overwhelmed at times, and i see people just doing normal life with "normal" relationships minus all the crippling fear. i am aware that it is folly to judge my insides by another person's outsides. But sometimes i feel like a freak. maybe i am just grieving and processing. my mom was a really sick person emotionally and she just passed in June. i just feel messed up sometimes. i'm sure we all do. sorry for the pity party. no she passed in july. i am not good with time. it hasn't been very long. i have some grief behind a wall but i can't get to it. all of this is related. It's okay. You've had a tough year. Your mom passed, which is difficult even if your relationship was challenging and unhealthy. And your friend is very ill. It's a lot to handle, and you're not always going to feel good. That's nothing to be embarrassed about. I think it's a testament to your progress that you've handled so much serious stuff this year without shutting down totally and disconnecting, disappearing, even if just from the board. When the time is right, you'll be able to access and process that grief, and people will be there for you. No one is a freak here because all the insecure attachment styles developed as perfectly normal defense mechanisms at the time. They wouldn't be so clearly patterned and there wouldn't be such large bodies of research if they weren't natural and common. And sure, lots of people are just secure and have an easier time connecting. But no one gets lucky in every way, and they'll have their bad days and struggles for which they feel like freaks sometimes too. It's not necessarily all better, just different. Everyone is struggling with something on these boards, too. The perspective you've earned from your journey seems to help out people here, and I've seen what you're sometimes feeling as inadequacy gives people answers they couldn't find elsewhere. Going back to the OP, she's secure and wanted to better understand insecure. Minor struggling, but still enough to look for answers/advice. And maybe we all got sidetracked, but look at the rich discussion we ended up with across all styles! |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2018 0:03:13 GMT
i am thankful, for sure, but also, i feel pathetic and so inadequate for this sometimes. i'm sure we all feel this way, at some point, at many points. i get so confused, i feel so overwhelmed at times, and i see people just doing normal life with "normal" relationships minus all the crippling fear. i am aware that it is folly to judge my insides by another person's outsides. But sometimes i feel like a freak. maybe i am just grieving and processing. my mom was a really sick person emotionally and she just passed in June. i just feel messed up sometimes. i'm sure we all do. sorry for the pity party. no she passed in july. i am not good with time. it hasn't been very long. i have some grief behind a wall but i can't get to it. all of this is related. It's okay. You've had a tough year. Your mom passed, which is difficult even if your relationship was challenging and unhealthy. And your friend is very ill. It's a lot to handle, and you're not always going to feel good. That's nothing to be embarrassed about. I think it's a testament to your progress that you've handled so much serious stuff this year without shutting down totally and disconnecting, disappearing, even if just from the board. When the time is right, you'll be able to access and process that grief, and people will be there for you. No one is a freak here because all the insecure attachment styles developed as perfectly normal defense mechanisms at the time. They wouldn't be so clearly patterned and there wouldn't be such large bodies of research if they weren't natural and common. And sure, lots of people are just secure and have an easier time connecting. But no one gets lucky in every way, and they'll have their bad days and struggles for which they feel like freaks sometimes too. It's not necessarily all better, just different. Everyone is struggling with something on these boards, too. The perspective you've earned from your journey seems to help out people here, and I've seen what you're sometimes feeling as inadequacy gives people answers they couldn't find elsewhere. Going back to the OP, she's secure and wanted to better understand insecure. Minor struggling, but still enough to look for answers/advice. And maybe we all got sidetracked, but look at the rich discussion we ended up with across all styles! what a wise and compassionate response, i am moved by it and you have made very good points. just admitting that i have grief about my mom passing has brought me some tears. i have grieved so much for so long i thought i was done. but i'm not. thank you for being so kind. i am sorry i sidetracked but you are right, it's been a very rich discussion. i feel like i can finally cry. i am worried about how deep this might go. but it's a start. wow it's painful and i don't know why; she was awful to me. maybe that's it. anyway thank you. sorry for the detour. back to OP :/ |
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Sept 14, 2018 3:07:31 GMT
juniper You are inspiring. I'm glad I found this forum. You give me hope that I can create a relationship that I can make work. Who cares if your relationship doesn't fit into a box of social norms. I don't want an average one either. Grieving isn't easy just because the person who died wasn't good to you, it's painful in a different complicated way. Please try not to be hard on yourself over talking about what is going on with you or feeling feelings. I can't imagine anyone minds you talking about it in any thread.
|
|
|
|
The talk
Sept 14, 2018 4:44:16 GMT
via mobile
Post by stayhappy on Sept 14, 2018 4:44:16 GMT
His answer was:
āYou are so genuin, happy and positive. I want everything you want but the difference is that you know how to get all thoses things and I donāt. I donāt want to be the guy destroying the perfect girl along the way. You would probably get tired and give up anyway and itās not even sure I can get anywhere. Iām complicatedā.
|
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Sept 14, 2018 4:52:45 GMT
stayhappy How are you feeling about that answer?
|
|
|
|
The talk
Sept 14, 2018 4:57:45 GMT
via mobile
Post by stayhappy on Sept 14, 2018 4:57:45 GMT
stayhappy How are you feeling about that answer? Iām happy he was honest, Iām sad because he is good a guy afraid to try. I feel hopeful about my future anyway ā¤ļø |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 14, 2018 5:14:31 GMT
stayhappy How are you feeling about that answer? Iām happy he was honest, Iām sad because he is good a guy afraid to try. I feel hopeful about my future anyway ā¤ļø
Just incidentally... Words said to me by FA: "I'm complicated." Words said to me by DA: "I'm not boyfriend material."
Have you decided what you will do based on his response?
|
|
|
|
The talk
Sept 14, 2018 5:20:22 GMT
via mobile
Post by stayhappy on Sept 14, 2018 5:20:22 GMT
Iām happy he was honest, Iām sad because he is good a guy afraid to try. I feel hopeful about my future anyway ā¤ļø
Just incidentally... Words said to me by FA: "I'm complicated." Words said to me by DA: "I'm not boyfriend material."
Have you decided what you will do based on his response?
I donāt think there is so much I can do actually. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Sept 14, 2018 5:36:16 GMT
Just incidentally... Words said to me by FA: "I'm complicated." Words said to me by DA: "I'm not boyfriend material."
Have you decided what you will do based on his response?
I donāt think there is so much I can do actually.
I agree, I was just wondering if you said thank you and goodbye on the spot.
|
|
