|
|
Post by happyidiot on Sept 14, 2018 5:41:03 GMT
Yeah, was there more to the conversation?
|
|
|
|
The talk
Sept 14, 2018 5:45:14 GMT
via mobile
Post by stayhappy on Sept 14, 2018 5:45:14 GMT
I don’t think there is so much I can do actually.
I agree, I was just wondering if you said thank you and goodbye on the spot.
We spend the night together and talked pretty much about relationship and feelings. It’s his call to decide if he wants to continue seeing me under those three months I have left here  |
|
|
|
The talk
Sept 14, 2018 6:10:27 GMT
via mobile
Post by stayhappy on Sept 14, 2018 6:10:27 GMT
Yeah, was there more to the conversation? Yes! Can share a little bit later. I’m at work now |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Sept 14, 2018 6:31:03 GMT
I'm sorry about it! But glad you have your answer and can prepare your future better Tell us more latter if you wish! |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Sept 14, 2018 7:56:13 GMT
Yep. If what they say about DA (that they don't pursue relationships) is true and it is true for me, the statistic is probably low to be in a relationship with one. I go long stretches between relationships (well, I have had 2). There are some others I would say are quasi relationships, but more than likely qualify as FWB or just B. A few years ago, I probably would have said that I have been in lots of relationships, but now, I think I see it more clearly what they really were. this thread starts to depress me. my relationships in the past have been odd and unhealthy. i think that the relationship i am in now pales by many people's standards, but i am thankful to say that i have grown a lot and it is healthy, respectful, and intimate. we don't conduct our relationship like many people would, i have learned. to some, maybe it wouldn't qualify. but to me it's important. I think no matter how healthy i become, my relationships will always be different from mainstream, from the "standard." but i accept that. I sometimes feel that in this world i am just passing through, and it's good to have found a companion, i want to be the best companion i can. it's a lot better than being as isolated as i was. It sounds like you have the relationship that warms your heart. You feel safe and happy and are inspired to be the best you! Only two people need to be satisfied with your relationship: you and your beau! |
|
|
|
The talk
Sept 14, 2018 8:18:40 GMT
via mobile
Post by stayhappy on Sept 14, 2018 8:18:40 GMT
I asked if he would like to talk about why he thinks he is complicated. For the first time he told me about his break up with his ex. They were together for several years in a distant relationship and she wanted more and he could not compromise to that because although they had a pretty good relationship he was not feeling so satisfied with the relationship. She broke up and he said that was the right thing to do but at the same that it’s now harder for him to let someone come in on his life. He said he misses a relationship but he thinks he is better on his own. (I don’t know I think he is probably waiting for “the one”).
I tried to make him seem things from another point of view. He said he is jealous of me who seem to handle all the problems so easy.
I feel sorry for his pain!
|
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Sept 14, 2018 10:56:20 GMT
stayhappy, he was very honest so he's aware, that's really nice. It's good to open up sometimes about these type of things. With your attitude I'm sure you'll seeing this as a bright opportunity to move on. You're ready to date again and open your heart to someone who will see all these good things too juniper, you seem very happy and fullfiled with your partner, believe me, some 'typical' relationships between secures would kill for that feeling. We don't tend to see the struggles of other couples, everybody hurts in one way or another. You've come such a long way and you're so aware of your feelings and wounds it's amazing. It's the type of inner work that gives you the opportunity to share something precious with the ones you love. And well... it has taken me years to grieve my parents. Your case is very different, of course, I cannot dare to say you I understand at all, but I understand how long the process seems. Sometimes you even go backwards. Take care
|
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Sept 14, 2018 12:48:21 GMT
stayhappy, he was very honest so he's aware, that's really nice. It's good to open up sometimes about these type of things. With your attitude I'm sure you'll seeing this as a bright opportunity to move on. You're ready to date again and open your heart to someone who will see all these good things too juniper, you seem very happy and fullfiled with your partner, believe me, some 'typical' relationships between secures would kill for that feeling. We don't tend to see the struggles of other couples, everybody hurts in one way or another. You've come such a long way and you're so aware of your feelings and wounds it's amazing. It's the type of inner work that gives you the opportunity to share something precious with the ones you love. And well... it has taken me years to grieve my parents. Your case is very different, of course, I cannot dare to say you I understand at all, but I understand how long the process seems. Sometimes you even go backwards. Take care Thank you! I’m writing my thesis so I have to wait a little to start meeting new guys, but except for that I am ready 😊 |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Sept 15, 2018 1:01:59 GMT
juniper I think you are one of the most satisfied people on this board in terms of relationships. Most of us are broken hearted or frustrated!
Hah, this is true. I think Juniper is about the happiest about her level of intimacy compared to anyone else on the board. In a way that makes me happy though, if a resident DA could be that person. There's something hopeful about it.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2018 15:19:53 GMT
I asked if he would like to talk about why he thinks he is complicated. For the first time he told me about his break up with his ex. They were together for several years in a distant relationship and she wanted more and he could not compromise to that because although they had a pretty good relationship he was not feeling so satisfied with the relationship. She broke up and he said that was the right thing to do but at the same that it’s now harder for him to let someone come in on his life. He said he misses a relationship but he thinks he is better on his own. (I don’t know I think he is probably waiting for “the one”). I tried to make him seem things from another point of view. He said he is jealous of me who seem to handle all the problems so easy. I feel sorry for his pain! Possibly he is waiting for the one that will be happy with a semi intimate relationship. For me, there is no pain, but there is a lot of waffling. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2018 15:58:03 GMT
juniper You are inspiring. I'm glad I found this forum. You give me hope that I can create a relationship that I can make work. Who cares if your relationship doesn't fit into a box of social norms. I don't want an average one either. Grieving isn't easy just because the person who died wasn't good to you, it's painful in a different complicated way. Please try not to be hard on yourself over talking about what is going on with you or feeling feelings. I can't imagine anyone minds you talking about it in any thread. thank you for these kind words happyidiot. you're right, it doesn't matter if my relationship doesn't fit social norms. i have developed a standard of being genuine and vulnerable to my partner , and that is precious, and important. we spend less time together than i realize i need, and i talked to him about that. i have reached a point that i need consistency in order to not deactivate and feel sad. it turns out, that we spend less time together than he needs too. The DA struggle is real. we have realized that we need to progress to more balance with our relationship , more time for each other. that isn't easy when your brain is programmed to run and isolate. It's gotten to the point that we recognize a need for each other emotionally, because what we can offer each other is like medicine for all the things in life that can make you sick. for us, admitting and succumbing to that is scary but also happy. it satisfies a hope which we DA are terrified to entertain. and along with it goes a mortal fear of losing what has become more precious than we can find words to express. i think when you've been starving for love for a long time and you find it, it's understandable to fear you will lose it. that's what we cope with, like any insecure attachment style. we always do fine if we can just talk about it. i'm so glad we can. we are coming out of our shells for each other. The DA dilemma is as painful as the other insecure attachment dilemmas. i have been working very hard on my own ability to show up consistently, handle my deactivations consciously, and keep being open and vulnerable. i haven't paid attention to what he is or isn't doing actually. But i just realized his deactivations have been triggering me lately. while i have been able to minimize mine or at least cope with them consciously, he has been baffled and conflicted with his. He shared with me that his big conflict that he talks to his counselor about is that he thinks there is something wrong with him, because he can't stop thinking about me and it distracts him to the point of making mistakes at work. He gets lost in daydreams about our time together. You'd never know, and i was touched by that. It makes sense to me, because our time together is an island in and ocean of stress for him. why wouldn't he want to return there as often as he can, he has the typical DA high stress overworking overcommitted life! (i do not. i abandoned that in the last few years). He said his near obsession with me scares him because he needs so much time alone and he is overstressed with demands from his business. he doesn't know how to handle it all. He feels a tremendous conflict over his need for me. that internal conflict is more powerful than a non-DA can appreciate. i get it, completely, and am not threatened or hurt by it. we have a large arsenal of deactivating thoughts and philosophies that feel like ultimate truth to us! it's a page out of my diary. i shared with him my own DA thought processes and how i actively suppress my need for intimacy and closeness, and he was able to relate. i also can share some of my coping strategies and the insight i have gained by working through my stuff. he feels relief about hearing that. it validates him. I am going to share some more detailed things about healing DA attachment with him, such as the anne12 threads. just because he is suffering with deactivation way more than he needs to. any rate, after talking, we decided we need more time together and to help each other by cultivating this relationship more, because we want it to last a long long time and the minimal approach is no longer working. we are ready for it to progress and become more "normal" in terms of time together and mundane interdependence. It will be a process to find out what that looks like for us. I hate shopping for clothes but he offered to go with me to tell me what jeans look good. it was flirty comment and also , for two dismissives as solitary as we are, it was a cute gesture of what's becoming a real commitment, lol. who knows if we can pull it off (the shopping)  so really, we have spent all this time laying a foundation of trust, emotional intimacy, and establishing our lifestyle compatibility before being ready to spend more time together. painstakingly slow for most people haha. but we are sincere maybe dual DA relationships don't show up in the literature because they simply aren't able to admit that its a relationship. it takes a long time. it's taken us a couple of years to be able to talk like we do now, and to realize and verbalize what we need and want for our relationship. he recently told me he is there for me through thick and thin (for a dismissive man this is a very romantic sentiment lol) and he shows me that continuously. we've been demonstrating that together but unable to verbalize a commitment even though we have been exclusive the entire time. we have to go at it slowly and sideways because it takes a long time to build trust and understanding. it's how we roll, and i get why it would be intolerable for people who need definition early on. thank you for your words of encouragement. it means a lot to me. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2018 16:01:52 GMT
His answer was: ”You are so genuin, happy and positive. I want everything you want but the difference is that you know how to get all thoses things and I don’t. I don’t want to be the guy destroying the perfect girl along the way. You would probably get tired and give up anyway and it’s not even sure I can get anywhere. I’m complicated”. this is so DA, i feel for him. the struggle is so real, and he means it. he doesn't know how. i wonder, since you are so compassionate and able to interact without control or a real agenda here, if you would share some information with him on healing dismissive attachment. like anne's threads. i am not typically a big advocate of that if i think it's for selfish purposes. but this is just me empathizing with him. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
The talk
Sept 16, 2018 16:02:52 GMT
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2018 16:02:52 GMT
juniper I think you are one of the most satisfied people on this board in terms of relationships. Most of us are broken hearted or frustrated!
Hah, this is true. I think Juniper is about the happiest about her level of intimacy compared to anyone else on the board. In a way that makes me happy though, if a resident DA could be that person. There's something hopeful about it.
i have realized a hope long denied and it is extremely precious to me, so precious i can't think about it or i will deactivate lol. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2018 16:06:12 GMT
I asked if he would like to talk about why he thinks he is complicated. For the first time he told me about his break up with his ex. They were together for several years in a distant relationship and she wanted more and he could not compromise to that because although they had a pretty good relationship he was not feeling so satisfied with the relationship. She broke up and he said that was the right thing to do but at the same that it’s now harder for him to let someone come in on his life. He said he misses a relationship but he thinks he is better on his own. (I don’t know I think he is probably waiting for “the one”). I tried to make him seem things from another point of view. He said he is jealous of me who seem to handle all the problems so easy. I feel sorry for his pain! i have heard the almost identical conversation from my partner. he has felt at a loss how to overcome his internal DA conflicts. i know it well!! it really is painful. most of the DA literature totally misses the fact that we desire connection and intimacy we just have no clue how to do it or how to overcome our own resistance and fear. it's so deep. that's why i like Diane Poole Heller's work because she acknowledges that. ! |
|
|
|
The talk
Sept 16, 2018 19:55:14 GMT
via mobile
Post by stayhappy on Sept 16, 2018 19:55:14 GMT
His answer was: ”You are so genuin, happy and positive. I want everything you want but the difference is that you know how to get all thoses things and I don’t. I don’t want to be the guy destroying the perfect girl along the way. You would probably get tired and give up anyway and it’s not even sure I can get anywhere. I’m complicated”. this is so DA, i feel for him. the struggle is so real, and he means it. he doesn't know how. i wonder, since you are so compassionate and able to interact without control or a real agenda here, if you would share some information with him on healing dismissive attachment. like anne's threads. i am not typically a big advocate of that if i think it's for selfish purposes. but this is just me empathizing with him. I have talked to him about attachment theory once before. I don’t know if he searched more information about it. I was actually thinking about suggesting to him some literature about healing DA attachment style but right now he said he needs space but I will tell him about this when or if he wants to interact again. I also have much sympathy for his pain and I want him to heal not because than we could maybe be together but because I want him to be happy and in peace with himself. |
|
