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Post by annieb on Apr 2, 2017 0:46:37 GMT
Dear All -
I am a Fearful Avoidant Female (37) in a pseudo - relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant (38) male. From outside in it's nothing more than very very distant friends with benefits, or a booty call. When I describe our interactions to my friends, they say, he does not want to be with you or date you. And when I write into a relationship forum, people get all up in arms how I can get trampled over and that I really need my head examined. And I seriously wouldn't write here had it not been two years of this and after my extended absences, sometimes for months, trying to move on, he still reaches out to me, over and over again. And tells me, he likes me and will always like me. And when I introduced him to attachment theory, when it all dawned on me, he said we could do better and that he will try to improve. And I know he is in a lot of pain as am I. Because every time I reach out to him armed with the empathy and insight of attachment theory and his and mine struggle, he responds positively. If I offer to do something nice for him, he is always responsive and grateful and lovable, but the minute it involves him respecting my time and communicate on issues that interest me and that are hard, he shuts down. I know he just wants my goodness and love. And I want to give. I have a lot to give. But I am lonely and sad, when he shuts down and distances. It 's too much to bear at times. I do not have that kind of strength and I need to see my man more often than once every three to four weeks. And if it sounds like a booty call, he has confirmed and assured that it is not. But that's all it is. He could be lying. God knows he lies all the time and is a compartmentalizer galore.
I am a distancer, too, so I certainly know, where he is coming from. But at least I am able to communicate these things in words to people, when I do it. I am not 100% in touch with my emotions either, and I process them with about one week delay, but I am able to access them and describe them. And I think I am a fairly advanced fighter. I fight fairly.
What do I do here. Do I end it once and for all, block him on all media and phones and turn him down, if he finds a way to get in touch. Or do I let go of my own fear and anger and let this person be whatever their little heart desires with me. Because it will not translate in high value behavior in classic dating/ relationship terms on my part and my having a low self esteem to begin with, it's a mess.
I will get continuously hurt with him and my needs will not get met. Realistically I can only "have him", when I am a my top emotional game, and my life is going really great, and I am able to give unconditionally, and not get upset about unanswered texts and ignored feelings. Like how I am am with my friends. But none of mu friends would ever dare to not answer my texts, even the avoidant ones. I am curious that perhaps that's where my focus needs to be rather than this man altogether. And I should really permanently moved on, because god knows as a Fearful Avoidant, I am excellent at break up.
If this made any sense, please advise, if you can. Highly appreciated! Love to all and I hope your suffering is easier every day as you find more answers.
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Post by annieb on Apr 2, 2017 0:53:07 GMT
If you wonder why this is in Anxious Preoccupied slot, at first I wanted to write I out it here by mistake, which was true, but when I think about it. The slot is exactly right, in a relation to this guy I am definitely anxious pre-occupied.
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Post by gaynxious on Apr 3, 2017 16:14:49 GMT
Once every three to four weeks sounds rough. I had that for years due to being long distance. I wish I had left after the first year but I was afraid I could never do better. I'd say if you are having these feelings you aren't happy. But only your can decide. I'm pretty jaded about the likilhood of any anxious-avoidant relationship being truly fufilling.
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Post by annieb on Apr 25, 2017 23:10:03 GMT
Once every three to four weeks sounds rough. I had that for years due to being long distance. I wish I had left after the first year but I was afraid I could never do better. I'd say if you are having these feelings you aren't happy. But only your can decide. I'm pretty jaded about the likilhood of any anxious-avoidant relationship being truly fufilling. Thank you for your response. I ended up breaking it off, I figured - what's the worst that can happen? He will find someone else and I will find someone else. I've spent too much time in the past hanging on to relationships that were going nowhere. I just didn't want to do that anymore as much as I loved him. It's now been 3 weeks since the breakup and he is bound to reach out to me in some way very soon. If he were not a selfish person, he wouldn't, he would respect my wishes. It's up to me to remain strong. |
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Post by HowPredictable1 on May 3, 2017 19:40:57 GMT
Annieb, how are you doing? I hope you do manage to stay strong and not respond to him anymore.
Please remember that if he does reach out again, it's only evidence that he will *never* be able to give you the relationship you need, rather than the contrary. Because if his push-pull is on a 3-week cycle, and if he customary comes back after 3 or 4 weeks of breaking up, then it means his fear / panic response is very strong and he will never make you happy even if you are Fearful Avoidant (like I am). This is not a pattern you can sustain, or be satisfied with, even if you are Fearful Avoidant yourself.
I just ended a 4-year "connection" (so to speak) with a highly Dismissive Avoidant partner. I am 5 weeks NC and I can tell you that once you start getting distance, it gets a lot better. I still miss him, but I know it's my own Attachment needs, childhood issues and repetition compulsion speaking. It's not because he's the right person in a healthy sense and it's certainly not because I'm letting go of the right partner for me. It's about the strength of the core dysfunction between two similarly-afflicted people.
Stay strong, Annieb.
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Post by annieb on May 4, 2017 3:45:13 GMT
Annieb, how are you doing? I hope you do manage to stay strong and not respond to him anymore. Please remember that if he does reach out again, it's only evidence that he will *never* be able to give you the relationship you need, rather than the contrary. Because if his push-pull is on a 3-week cycle, and if he customary comes back after 3 or 4 weeks of breaking up, then it means his fear / panic response is very strong and he will never make you happy even if you are Fearful Avoidant (like I am). This is not a pattern you can sustain, or be satisfied with, even if you are Fearful Avoidant yourself. I just ended a 4-year "connection" (so to speak) with a highly Dismissive Avoidant partner. I am 5 weeks NC and I can tell you that once you start getting distance, it gets a lot better. I still miss him, but I know it's my own Attachment needs, childhood issues and repetition compulsion speaking. It's not because he's the right person in a healthy sense and it's certainly not because I'm letting go of the right partner for me. It's about the strength of the core dysfunction between two similarly-afflicted people. Stay strong, Annieb. Thank you so much for posting. Today is 30 days of no texting and I am doing well. I feel refreshed and inspired and hopeful about the future. He has not reached out, which I find finally respectful of him, and I do think this is over. I think big part of what was bothering me, was the ambiguity of his intentions in contrast with his apparent interest over a longer period of time. I usually don't mind ambiguity, but with him, I do. I much rather have clarity that the relationship is never going to go anywhere. I have felt this same resolve before several times, and gotten suckered back in by my own loneliness and letting him text me. I haven't blocked him. I know I should to avoid a relapse. Ultimately it is all in my control, he's only been showing interest in what he can get away with me, while insisting on the opposite. I agree with you that his reaching out to me is the opposite of what I wanted, because it would show he is busting my boundaries again. And I am impressed he hasn't done it. I hear you on the right person. Gosh, there are so many people out there, yet we are hung up on these guys, how silly and how maybe also unfair. But the more we work on our self esteem, the less attached we are to people, who sabotage it. I've been fighting the urge to text him, but less and less, and I've reached out to other people instead. An ex, whom I dated briefly, when trying to be on a break with the guy and who is just a friend now. I don't have tremendous support resources, but I do have decent ones, and the more I cultivate them, the better my whole life is, and the guy is just a memory or a symbol of more trying times that I am ready to let go of.. |
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Post by HowPredictable1 on May 5, 2017 16:40:14 GMT
Annieb,
I'm so proud of you. You sound very resolved and strong and 30 days NC is a great milestone. These relationships are really hard to detangle yourself from, but it sounds like you are making really great progress. Do keep resisting the temptation to text (and yes, you should probably block him. If only because -- if you are anything like me -- you know you shouldn't want him to TRY to text you but you secretly hope that he does, if only so that you can ignore it. Right?)
But good work, and keep an eye on the millions of other potential partners who are out there to meet, and who might actually be capable of bringing a good and healthy relationship to the table.
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Post by annieb on May 8, 2017 22:10:38 GMT
Thank you, HowPredictable1! I do believe that I haven't blocked him because I am still holding out hope that he will text. And I do believe that the minute I forget about him, he will text. It's silly to pine after him, yet I believe our attachment styles are what keeps me, not so much the person he is. All in all we don't have much in common. Counting more days, and staying strong. Thank you for your support!
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Post by annieb on Mar 30, 2018 18:26:17 GMT
Just so you guys know I have a pathetic update on this situation. We indeed stopped talking for months until he texted again, and I really lost it with him, I told him I never wanted to see him, etc. Just really burned all bridges. I think he ended up blocking me, as did I. There was a complete silence for 9-10 months. Then out of the blue he wants me to unblock his number, because he has a project for me to do. LOL, I got suckered in. He ended up apologizing, but then not answering my texts again. Meanwhile I am waiting for my next dopamine boost. Anyway, obviously at this point this is all on me. How long I choose to hang in there is all my doing. He will do whatever he pleases and has no qualms about messing me about. This much is clear.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 30, 2018 21:41:23 GMT
Just so you guys know I have a pathetic update on this situation. We indeed stopped talking for months until he texted again, and I really lost it with him, I told him I never wanted to see him, etc. Just really burned all bridges. I think he ended up blocking me, as did I. There was a complete silence for 9-10 months. Then out of the blue he wants me to unblock his number, because he has a project for me to do. LOL, I got suckered in. He ended up apologizing, but then not answering my texts again. Meanwhile I am waiting for my next dopamine boost. Anyway, obviously at this point this is all on me. How long I choose to hang in there is all my doing. He will do whatever he pleases and has no qualms about messing me about. This much is clear. Hi Annie B and welcome back. From what you have written you sound very disappointed in yourself for being "suckered in" - as so many of us have found, the intermittent reinforcement is difficult to resist. Yes - it is all on you now, you have recognised that he shows no empathy, there is no change in his communication patterns and it sounds very much as though this is not something you want to subject yourself all over again. Maybe show some self compassion - this is one small step in the wrong direction - perhaps a mistake being sucked back in by someone who triggers your insecurities and whose behaviour makes you feel ill at ease, but you're in the driving seat here, you do at least get to choose at this point what you put yourself through, where your boundaries lie. It is so difficult when you're emotionally involved to make that leap, but maybe this is a golden opportunity to practice some real self care and put this behind you. Do you have any support IRL? Please carry on posting here if it helps - there are lots of wise ones out there who will have had similar experiences and lived stronger and braver to tell the tale. |
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Post by annieb on Mar 30, 2018 23:12:21 GMT
Dear Ocarina - thank you for your compassionate and thoughtful message. It never occured to me to give myself compassion and to forgive myself. That just never entered the equation. I find it difficult in my life to think positively and compassionately about myself in general. Gosh, I feel like this is a theme of my life. I really have trouble changing it. But you are right. Perhaps I can change it now. I can be inert or inactive in further perpetuating this non-relationship and stop putting myself in harms way. That would be a good start. Enjoying the stillness of the moment without self hatred would be nice. Thank you again!
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Post by annieb on Mar 30, 2018 23:19:28 GMT
And I do have support IRL in form of my girlfriends, but I have in my life gone off and done super difficult things without any support and I think in some ways as a form of some kind of self punishment. I am so ready for something else. Something good.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2018 23:39:48 GMT
Dear Ocarina - thank you for your compassionate and thoughtful message. It never occured to me to give myself compassion and to forgive myself. That just never entered the equation. I find it difficult in my life to think positively and compassionately about myself in general. Gosh, I feel like this is a theme of my life. I really have trouble changing it. But you are right. Perhaps I can change it now. I can be inert or inactive in further perpetuating this non-relationship and stop putting myself in harms way. That would be a good start. Enjoying the stillness of the moment without self hatred would be nice. Thank you again! , i second ocarina's compassion. i hope everyone doesn't get sick of me harping in the inner child piece, but it taught me so much. When i had come out of a (serial) abusive relationship, i felt so stupid and horrible. I didn't think i deserved the abuse at all, i was just incredibly angry at myself for not being able to avoid it! How could i have gotten there, again?!? But then someone helped me to see that my Little Juniper the little girl, chose that relationship according to what she knew. She wasn't accustomed to being treated with empathy, or being valued. Someone wanted her to be helpful and good so she jumped right in there. Emotional abuse was normal, so normal she didn't register it. When i saw how i was choosing a pattern, i felt so much compassion and forgiveness for myself. I didn't know better. My Little Juniper didn't know better. It took me some years after leaving THAT pattern to figure out my avoidance. But under it all was a girl who just wanted to belong. I do a lot better helping her find that now, but it's because i let people around me love and guide me and help me out. So yeah, don't gut it out alone. Let yourself have some friends. |
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Post by annieb on Apr 4, 2018 21:10:20 GMT
Dear juniper -
Thank you so much for your message. I come here and re-read this thread if I have an urge to reach out to my DA. The urge is less and less as I fill up my life with other things and people. This time thankfully we didn't meet up at all, all of the communication was via email and then after via text. I am glad I didn't actually cave and went to see him, as I am sure I would have felt even worse, but the communication we had via text was enough to start throwing me over the proverbial edge. Compassion for self is how I try to live every day now that I read you guys messages. It really has changed my outlook for the last few days. I need this tattooed somewhere so I can remember. I've written it in a few places that I look daily. Unward and upward. If DA reaches out, which will inevitably start to happen again, in a few weeks, I need to take is as a sign of trouble.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 2:13:26 GMT
Dear juniper - Thank you so much for your message. I come here and re-read this thread if I have an urge to reach out to my DA. The urge is less and less as I fill up my life with other things and people. This time thankfully we didn't meet up at all, all of the communication was via email and then after via text. I am glad I didn't actually cave and went to see him, as I am sure I would have felt even worse, but the communication we had via text was enough to start throwing me over the proverbial edge. Compassion for self is how I try to live every day now that I read you guys messages. It really has changed my outlook for the last few days. I need this tattooed somewhere so I can remember. I've written it in a few places that I look daily. Unward and upward. If DA reaches out, which will inevitably start to happen again, in a few weeks, I need to take is as a sign of trouble. taking care of lil' annieb! 😍 |
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