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Post by chipper on Sept 17, 2018 5:26:34 GMT
We've been dating about a year. I first learned about attachment about six months ago, after we had a short breakup. I'm AP, and she's DA.
She's an amazing match for me in nearly every department, except for attachment.
Since that first breakup and my discovery of it, we've discussed attachment, we both read Attached, and things seemed to be going well.
About three months ago, she told me she loved me for the first time, and asked to DTR. Since then, things have gone downhill.
She slowly started to push intimacy away. Our sex is down to once a week, maybe, when it was 3-4 times.
She bases this on some physical attraction concerns. It sounds like minor things that she's making bigger deals, although I'm trying not to discount that too much.
We recently went on a week long vacation together, and despite getting along, when we came back, she didn't want so sleep together, much less have sex, for another week.
I've started to become frustrated by the sexual rejection and lack of intimacy. It's stressful and causing me to lose sleep.
Obviously, this is my AP flaring up, and I'm sure it's pushing her away more.
I've suggested therapy, and she's rejected the idea. Says she doesn't think anything is wrong, and it's a waste of time and/or money.
I've also recommended Jeb's book, and she's indicated she's willing to read, but not sure if she's reading it yet.
I'm kind of just at a wits end. I love her as a companion and a friend, and see a great future for us. But this is exhausting.
Any advice?
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Post by alexandra on Sept 17, 2018 5:36:12 GMT
I don't have advice for how to navigate the sexual withdrawal, because I was never able to solve that in my situation. However, I can tell you to keep reminding yourself that it isn't your fault. Do not internalize that it is. It is her issue, whether related to deactivation or something else. Try not to lose sleep over it, and try not to get anxious. But definitely don't blame yourself, as the AP is prone to doing. |
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Post by goldilocks on Sept 17, 2018 6:32:36 GMT
What is DTR and what were the attraction concerns?
Do you have any practices in place to maintain attraction?
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 17, 2018 7:13:58 GMT
Define The Relationship, aka "The Talk." |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2018 11:27:16 GMT
hi, welcome.
everything i have read about the insecure attachment style AP indicates that AP's are also emotionally unavailable and afraid of intimacy, and that once they obtain what they claim to want (love, intimacy, or the hallmarks of those) they become ambivalent and believe and behave in ways that will sabotage it.
So, it's a coin with two sides, one being your unavailability, if you are AP.
It may seem far fetched , but look into it to see if you can gain insight into how you may have shifted into a mode of relating that impedes the relationship you claim to want.
I am DA and don't have expertise in the internal workings of the AP style. I understand that you are mostly concerned with the withdrawal you seem to be experiencing from your partner. However, that partner is not here asking for help and insight so i am at a loss for how to influence her, as are you. we are all powerless here to get into her mind and hear her perspective of the relationship without her direct input.
So, i recommend you look into the fear-based beliefs and behaviors of your own attachment style that would render true intimacy and connection impossible, and see if you can learn more about your end of it. This is not to put all the responsibility solely on you (which might also be an AP tendency, with the underlying shame and self-abandonment and feelings of inadequacy that are resident in that style) . Rather, the point is to explore your own emotional unavailability because that is what you have the ability to influence in a healthy way.
Perhaps then, you can share some information with her. Jeb's book may not be the best choice. There are therapists and writers who have a compassionate and truly insightful view into the wounding and fear of an avoidant. Jeb is not necessarily one. I have posted some helpful articles on DA attachment that might be more encouraging and relatable for her.
Additionally, i don't know her age but if she is in her 40's or beyond hormonal shifts may be a practical consideration that could be addressed.
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Post by chipper on Sept 17, 2018 12:46:19 GMT
Thank you for the replies. goldilocks: it’s define the relationship. She asked, before I went on a 10 day vacation, “what are we?” We made our relationship official (despite the fact we had been acting as BF/GF for probably 3 months before that. Her attraction concerns are that she tells me she’s horny, but doesn’t desire me. She’s brought things up such as “you scratch yourself.” A couple of times over the past year she’s experienced a UTI, and she says she hasn’t before. She blames that on my hygene. I don’t have any practices that maintain attraction? Any suggestions? I was thinking of joining a gym this week to help my own stress and be ahead of the curve if she does end it. juniper, that’s great feedback, thank you. I’ll have to meditate on that one. I feel like, since learning of attachment, I’ve become more secure. But her withdrawal is definitely increasing my anxiety. I’ll look for the articles you’ve posted, although I don’t want to throw too much at her for fear it will just make her give in. She is late 20’s. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2018 14:35:59 GMT
Thank you for the replies. goldilocks: it’s define the relationship. She asked, before I went on a 10 day vacation, “what are we?” We made our relationship official (despite the fact we had been acting as BF/GF for probably 3 months before that. Her attraction concerns are that she tells me she’s horny, but doesn’t desire me. She’s brought things up such as “you scratch yourself.” A couple of times over the past year she’s experienced a UTI, and she says she hasn’t before. She blames that on my hygene. I don’t have any practices that maintain attraction? Any suggestions? I was thinking of joining a gym this week to help my own stress and be ahead of the curve if she does end it. juniper, that’s great feedback, thank you. I’ll have to meditate on that one. I feel like, since learning of attachment, I’ve become more secure. But her withdrawal is definitely increasing my anxiety. I’ll look for the articles you’ve posted, although I don’t want to throw too much at her for fear it will just make her give in. She is late 20’s. i've experienced UTI before also, and it's so painful. It's imperative for a woman who is susceptible to urinate immediately after sex to prevent it. Some women, me included, need immaculate hygiene in order to be able to sustain attraction, and fortunately for me and my partner, that isn't an issue, as he is very particular with that for himself. Some people are more sensitive to natural odors and such, and if that's in the way it's an easy remedy- try showering together 😈 lol, i know it's a touchy subject and maybe that's not really the case with you two... but showering can be kinda steamy anyway. |
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Post by goldilocks on Sept 17, 2018 17:23:09 GMT
Thank you for the replies. goldilocks : it’s define the relationship. She asked, before I went on a 10 day vacation, “what are we?” We made our relationship official (despite the fact we had been acting as BF/GF for probably 3 months before that. Her attraction concerns are that she tells me she’s horny, but doesn’t desire me. She’s brought things up such as “you scratch yourself.” A couple of times over the past year she’s experienced a UTI, and she says she hasn’t before. She blames that on my hygene.i've experienced UTI before also, and it's so painful. It's imperative for a woman who is susceptible to urinate immediately after sex to prevent it. Some women, me included, need immaculate hygiene in order to be able to sustain attraction, and fortunately for me and my partner, that isn't an issue, as he is very particular with that for himself. Some people are more sensitive to natural odors and such, and if that's in the way it's an easy remedy- try showering together 😈 lol, i know it's a touchy subject and maybe that's not really the case with you two... but showering can be kinda steamy anyway. She is communicating quite clearly the nature of the problem from her perspective. Juniper has pointed out a simple remedy. From your own point of view, the main issue is not having as much sex as you would like/used to have. This is a basic sexual issue, not an issue with attachment or connectionGiven that good hygiene is important for her to feel desire, that is certainly part of the solution. A second thing to note is that in the honeymoon phase, everything is new and exciting. In a long term relationship one needs to make an effort to keep things fresh and exciting. Sex is much like food. Yes, boiled potatoes can fill up a stomach and sate hunger, but to elicit an appetite we need more variety and appeal. She may only be hungry/horny once a week, but well presented, exciting meals tend to entice the appetite. It seems like this has not yet been a priority. The physical side is one part of the equation, and maintaining physical health is worth its while not just if she ends it/when on the prowl, but also in a relationship or when celibate. The body is our vehicle for living and the main intrument through which we make love. We need not be conventionally beautiful, but we do need to make an effort. But with just the physical, we have clean and healthy boiled potatoes, and to have a truly rewarding sex life, there needs to be flavour and presentation. This includes the mental side, with sexy, witty and playful conversation as well as the emotional appeal; making one another feel good in new, refreshing ways. This should be woven into your daily life if you want to have erotic attraction that lasts. Anne posted a few useful threads: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1029/datingtips-create-long-lasting-lovejebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1376/work-femininity-masculinity |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 17, 2018 17:43:11 GMT
damn you're smart and well spoken goldilocks +envious and proud of you 😍 |
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 18, 2018 0:13:24 GMT
i've experienced UTI before also, and it's so painful. It's imperative for a woman who is susceptible to urinate immediately after sex to prevent it. Some women, me included, need immaculate hygiene in order to be able to sustain attraction, and fortunately for me and my partner, that isn't an issue, as he is very particular with that for himself. Some people are more sensitive to natural odors and such, and if that's in the way it's an easy remedy- try showering together 😈 lol, i know it's a touchy subject and maybe that's not really the case with you two... but showering can be kinda steamy anyway. If your partner isn't naturally like that, do you ask your partner to do those sorts of things without it being like you're trying to change them? |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2018 1:57:47 GMT
i've experienced UTI before also, and it's so painful. It's imperative for a woman who is susceptible to urinate immediately after sex to prevent it. Some women, me included, need immaculate hygiene in order to be able to sustain attraction, and fortunately for me and my partner, that isn't an issue, as he is very particular with that for himself. Some people are more sensitive to natural odors and such, and if that's in the way it's an easy remedy- try showering together 😈 lol, i know it's a touchy subject and maybe that's not really the case with you two... but showering can be kinda steamy anyway. If your partner isn't naturally like that, do you ask your partner to do those sorts of things without it being like you're trying to change them? i don't think making a request of someone is trying to change them. i wouldn't be with a partner who didn't have great hygiene so i wouldn't have to deal with the dilemma. But sure, if i was repelled by my partner's hygiene i would ask for remedy and not feel bad- they could refuse and then i would as well, nobody needs to change really, if they don't want to. it's a matter of getting along and having sex, or not... lol. |
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Post by chipper on Sept 24, 2018 3:34:43 GMT
Reading this a week later, and just wanted to say thank you to everyone again for the advice. It helps to come back after a few days and look at it with fresh eyes.
She gave over the night I wrote this. I cooked dinner, we spent time together, had sex, and she slept over. Three days go by without seeing each other (we're both busy), we went to a wedding, she slept over, and had sex again in the morning. We also spent time together on Sunday.
When times are good, they're great. And see agrees with me. That's what's keeping me going.
I haven't been exercising as much, and I'm sure that goes to the attraction as goldilocks points out. I plan to start doing that more. I think that will help me be less anxious, too.
Again, thank you.
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Post by chipper on Oct 15, 2018 2:46:14 GMT
Well, that's it. She told me this morning she wanted to break up with me, and we talked a bit about it. Went our separate ways for the day.
Just talked to her on the phone, and she told me she's made a decision, and that she wants to end things.
I accepted that, and told her good luck and good bye.
Sucks. I really, really liked her.
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Post by lilyg on Oct 15, 2018 10:25:54 GMT
I'm very sorry, chipper  Take all the time you need to browse here if you need help with your anxiousness. anne12 posts a lot of very useful information, I've done some of her exercises when I've felt stressed. It just sucks so much as I've been in your place  But think how sad it's to be with someone who is not that crazy about you! Focus on you and your healing so if she comes back, or if someone else comes along, you can start a relationship that is good for you, full of respect and growth for both. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2018 10:56:49 GMT
Well, that's it. She told me this morning she wanted to break up with me, and we talked a bit about it. Went our separate ways for the day. Just talked to her on the phone, and she told me she's made a decision, and that she wants to end things. I accepted that, and told her good luck and good bye. Sucks. I really, really liked her. I am really sorry to hear this, and know how painful breakups are so sending you a big hug. When my ex FA broke up with me I was completely broken and didn't know where to turn. By the grace of God I found this forum and learnt about attachment styles and gained great insight and comfort from this new found knowledge. This forum became my therapy and watching YouTube and as much as I could about attachment helped me more than anything else could have. Focusing on myself and my attachment was the very best advice I was given. I was in a bad place as the relationship I had was my first after a 28yr marriage and to be honest I was still grieving the loss of my dear husband to cancer so I wasn't emotionally in a very good place to begin any relationship, let alone one with an avoidant. Everyday we were apart felt like hell at first , my ex was still pushing and pulling but continued to say "there was no going back, he had made his mind up". I was in turmoil to say the least. But I stayed very close to this forum and got into therapy. I always tried to keep the focus on myself, but slipped into old behaviours from time to time but things did start to get better. We are back together now and have been ok for the last two month's. I still try to keep the focus on healing myself and in doing so is having a positive knock on effect in the relationship. As horrible as is it, allow yourself to feel the pain and go thru it. I did self medicate at first with bottles of wine, I wallowed in my pain and misery, but it just numbed me for a short time and kept me stuck so I kept going around the pain. When I put the bottle down after a few weeks and accepted the pain and how I would grow and come out the other side stronger that's when the raw healing began. Again I hate the thought of anyone feeling how you do right now, and i won't you to know I hear you, and my shoulder is here for you too.. Take care x |
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Take all the time you need to browse here if you need help with your anxiousness. 
But think how sad it's to be with someone who is not that crazy about you! Focus on you and your healing so if she comes back, or if someone else comes along, you can start a relationship that is good for you, full of respect and growth for both.