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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2018 11:02:41 GMT
I'm very sorry, chipper  Take all the time you need to browse here if you need help with your anxiousness. anne12 posts a lot of very useful information, I've done some of her exercises when I've felt stressed. It just sucks so much as I've been in your place  But think how sad it's to be with someone who is not that crazy about you! Focus on you and your healing so if she comes back, or if someone else comes along, you can start a relationship that is good for you, full of respect and growth for both. As always Lillyg wonderful unbiased advice, very warm and comforting. My thoughts are with this young man now, it's just heartbreaking đȘ. |
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Post by chipper on Oct 15, 2018 17:58:50 GMT
Thank you, Helsbells and lilyg for the empathy. That helps so much. She said something yesterday that I've been thinking about, and at this point, I'm just curious if anyone can relate. Writing about it helps me process everything, too. This is the third time she's broken up with me, and I want to try to move on at this point, so I'm not really in a "how do I get my ex back" or "fix this" position. First, she told me she loved me, cares about me, and wants a LTR. She acknowledged that she could talk to me, and when she raised concerns, I was able to work on them myself. We never fought or even raised our voices. She told me that she's been extremely anxious and confused the past two weeks. To the point that it's affected her work and she thinks about it all the time. She explained that much of her anxiety was based on the fact that she knew she wasn't providing enough sex and denying me when I initiated. I also struggled to get her to commit to things, such as a camping music festival that's in a few weeks. She actually committed to going to that in the past couple of weeks. It took me a while to get her to commit, so I suspect there's some anxiety there, too. I think her anxiety was because she felt she was letting me down, and the breakup was her way of getting out from that anxiety. I expressed empathy about her anxiety, and offered to go to couples therapy. I had been encouraging her to go for the past few months. Thoughts? |
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Post by chipper on Oct 15, 2018 18:58:02 GMT
This is just a thought, but she doesn't sound DA to me. Maybe FA being very high on the fearful. Or, maybe even AP. AP do push people away, especially when highly activated or in a relationship with another AP who is farther on the spectrum. Has she tested DA? When I first started learning about attachment, I was able to get her to take Jebâs short quiz, and she told me that was âvery much in the top leftâ and most of her answers were on one end of the spectrum. I took this to mean DA. I really havenât taken the time to distinguish or diagnose. Not sure if I see the point now. |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 15, 2018 19:02:02 GMT
Yes, that anxiety you're talking about seems normal if she had doubts, unless it's a pattern in your relationship or it comes from a very unexpected way. I think we'd all feel anxious and bad if we were pushing away someone who cares about us.
Yes, she's not DA. Maybe FA... if you notice quite a bit of pull/push.
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Post by chipper on Oct 15, 2018 19:12:46 GMT
Yes, that anxiety you're talking about seems normal if she had doubts, unless it's a pattern in your relationship or it comes from a very unexpected way. I think we'd all feel anxious and bad if we were pushing away someone who cares about us. Yes, she's not DA. Maybe FA... if you notice quite a bit of pull/push. Youâre right about feeling anxious when pushing away a lover. Come to think of it, Iâve felt that before myself. Iâll have to look at FA vs DA. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2018 19:22:17 GMT
Thank you, Helsbells and lilyg for the empathy. That helps so much. She said something yesterday that I've been thinking about, and at this point, I'm just curious if anyone can relate. Writing about it helps me process everything, too. This is the third time she's broken up with me, and I want to try to move on at this point, so I'm not really in a "how do I get my ex back" or "fix this" position. First, she told me she loved me, cares about me, and wants a LTR. She acknowledged that she could talk to me, and when she raised concerns, I was able to work on them myself. We never fought or even raised our voices. She told me that she's been extremely anxious and confused the past two weeks. To the point that it's affected her work and she thinks about it all the time. She explained that much of her anxiety was based on the fact that she knew she wasn't providing enough sex and denying me when I initiated. I also struggled to get her to commit to things, such as a camping music festival that's in a few weeks. She actually committed to going to that in the past couple of weeks. It took me a while to get her to commit, so I suspect there's some anxiety there, too. I think her anxiety was because she felt she was letting me down, and the breakup was her way of getting out from that anxiety. I expressed empathy about her anxiety, and offered to go to couples therapy. I had been encouraging her to go for the past few months. Thoughts? Oh dear, that is just so sad to read. I feel she is attached to you, but feel she might be more FA than DA. My FA boyfriend struggles with social anxiety and needs a drink or two to relax in these situations. When I suggested camping trips he always became unwell as the time drew nearer to going, hence we never went. Chipper don't be surprised in a few weeks if you hear from this lassie again, especially if she feels attached to you and is FA. In the mean time, like lilyg has suggested take as long as it takes, use this forum family and friends to support you through your heartbreak, and know that you have shown great love and support to another who is just muddling her way through this life the best she can. Beauty of this forum is that we have all come here probably broken hearted and confused, but all end up opening our eyes and hearts and find love understanding and healing amongst other hurting souls. Your in my thoughts X |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2018 19:34:49 GMT
Thank you, Helsbells and lilyg for the empathy. That helps so much. She said something yesterday that I've been thinking about, and at this point, I'm just curious if anyone can relate. Writing about it helps me process everything, too. This is the third time she's broken up with me, and I want to try to move on at this point, so I'm not really in a "how do I get my ex back" or "fix this" position. First, she told me she loved me, cares about me, and wants a LTR. She acknowledged that she could talk to me, and when she raised concerns, I was able to work on them myself. We never fought or even raised our voices. She told me that she's been extremely anxious and confused the past two weeks. To the point that it's affected her work and she thinks about it all the time. She explained that much of her anxiety was based on the fact that she knew she wasn't providing enough sex and denying me when I initiated. I also struggled to get her to commit to things, such as a camping music festival that's in a few weeks. She actually committed to going to that in the past couple of weeks. It took me a while to get her to commit, so I suspect there's some anxiety there, too. I think her anxiety was because she felt she was letting me down, and the breakup was her way of getting out from that anxiety. I expressed empathy about her anxiety, and offered to go to couples therapy. I had been encouraging her to go for the past few months. Thoughts? My FA said exactly the same thing to me in the past regarding sex. He also has difficulty doing social things especially with me....it's an intimacy thing. He also has trouble introducing me to his friends and family but he is getting better now I have backed off.. |
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Post by chipper on Oct 15, 2018 19:38:39 GMT
After reading Jeb's site and the chapters in his book devoted to FA and DA, she definitely seems more FA. I guess I'm in the wrong forum, but will go look over there. Thank you again for the kind words, Helsbells. It's very comforting. |
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Post by chipper on Oct 15, 2018 19:44:46 GMT
My FA boyfriend struggles with social anxiety and needs a drink or two to relax in these situations. When I suggested camping trips he always became unwell as the time drew nearer to going, hence we never went. My FA said exactly the same thing to me in the past regarding sex. He also has difficulty doing social things especially with me....it's an intimacy thing. He also has trouble introducing me to his friends and family but he is getting better now I have backed off.. Wow. All of this. She drinks alot (it's part of our culture here, so I and many of our friends and family do, too), but she's been drinking to the point of blackout lately. And then using that drunkenness as a reason to withhold sex. This must go to the social anxiety. She also seems to stress when the trips get close (we were supposed to be out of town this weekend: I canceled her flights today). She also had trouble introducing me to friends and family, but was clearly work on it. I think what really sucks here is that I think she *knows* alot of this isn't "healthy" behavior, but isn't quite ready to take the step of therapy to try to improve herself. I always felt like if she was better able to understand this, our relationship would have been much better (I'm also aware of the pressure that that would have been putting on her). At least there's solace in understanding. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2018 22:10:20 GMT
My FA boyfriend struggles with social anxiety and needs a drink or two to relax in these situations. When I suggested camping trips he always became unwell as the time drew nearer to going, hence we never went. My FA said exactly the same thing to me in the past regarding sex. He also has difficulty doing social things especially with me....it's an intimacy thing. He also has trouble introducing me to his friends and family but he is getting better now I have backed off.. Wow. All of this. She drinks alot (it's part of our culture here, so I and many of our friends and family do, too), but she's been drinking to the point of blackout lately. And then using that drunkenness as a reason to withhold sex. This must go to the social anxiety. She also seems to stress when the trips get close (we were supposed to be out of town this weekend: I canceled her flights today). She also had trouble introducing me to friends and family, but was clearly work on it. I think what really sucks here is that I think she *knows* alot of this isn't "healthy" behavior, but isn't quite ready to take the step of therapy to try to improve herself. I always felt like if she was better able to understand this, our relationship would have been much better (I'm also aware of the pressure that that would have been putting on her). At least there's solace in understanding. Chipper I agree with what you say about your ex being aware of her behaviour but not enough to do anything about it. My fa is 44 and seems to have some awareness. Take tonight for instance. Whilst I wAs taking a bath he came into the bathroom. He had a few drinks inside of him so his guards were down. He took my face in his hands and looked me straight in the eyes and told me he loved me and was sorry for being so complicated. It broke my heart, on the one hand I'm so desperate to hear this, but I know he can only seem to do it after a drink. Does that still make what he says real? I truly hope so. My point is, there is obviously some awareness in him, the fact he said he was complicated, but I really don't think he's quite sure what those complications are đ„. May i ask what caulture country your from. I am from the UK x |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 16, 2018 8:02:35 GMT
Awareness is very important for you both as a couple, but it's just a first step towards healthy bonding. It's very sad as I can see both sides suffering because of it, and work, time and trust it's what's needed for growth. Of course, it will help if your partner is open and more empatethic. My last relationship failed because of that lack of generosity we all need from both sides. I recommend opening and being vulnerable talking about your own feeling ('I feel x', rather than 'you do this') to open up about your dynamics together. It sure helped me, and now we've come to a place in which he tells me about his feelings without me asking anything or him being uncomfortable by my reaction (well, step by step, as we all are a bit uncomfortable opening up about certain topics hahaha). I think is important that one person with avoidant tendencies (maybe even with AP) can talk about his/her needs. For example, trying to be open to say 'I love you', 'I care for you' etc, being aware of their own needs for connection, but also talking about his/her needs when they're feeling down or bad, like 'I need time to be alone' , 'some days I feel I cannot connect with a lot of people', 'some days I prefer not to be intimate and rest/have my body relax', 'some days I need physical connection/touch', 'some days I need more attention from you', etc. Which I think it's reasonable, relatively simple and expected in a romantic relationship. I think sometimes these insecure attachments make people feel shame of their needs, instead of embracing them and trying to be generous with themselves and their lovers. We all want to feel accepted within a relationship, just as we are. But good relationships make us grow to our potential, they challenge us and within challenge comes true bonding. It's a weird and difficult equilibrum to be in! Helsbells, whenever he aknowledges this, maybe you can tell your partner you understand and want him to explore that within your relationship and himself. Have you talked about attachment styles? Sorry, I cannot remember if you've already talked about this |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2018 10:46:04 GMT
Awareness is very important for you both as a couple, but it's just a first step towards healthy bonding. It's very sad as I can see both sides suffering because of it, and work, time and trust it's what's needed for growth. Of course, it will help if your partner is open and more empatethic. My last relationship failed because of that lack of generosity we all need from both sides. I recommend opening and being vulnerable talking about your own feeling ('I feel x', rather than 'you do this') to open up about your dynamics together. It sure helped me, and now we've come to a place in which he tells me about his feelings without me asking anything or him being uncomfortable by my reaction (well, step by step, as we all are a bit uncomfortable opening up about certain topics hahaha). I think is important that one person with avoidant tendencies (maybe even with AP) can talk about his/her needs. For example, trying to be open to say 'I love you', 'I care for you' etc, being aware of their own needs for connection, but also talking about his/her needs when they're feeling down or bad, like 'I need time to be alone' , 'some days I feel I cannot connect with a lot of people', 'some days I prefer not to be intimate and rest/have my body relax', 'some days I need physical connection/touch', 'some days I need more attention from you', etc. Which I think it's reasonable, relatively simple and expected in a romantic relationship. I think sometimes these insecure attachments make people feel shame of their needs, instead of embracing them and trying to be generous with themselves and their lovers. We all want to feel accepted within a relationship, just as we are. But good relationships make us grow to our potential, they challenge us and within challenge comes true bonding. It's a weird and difficult equilibrum to be in! Helsbells, whenever he aknowledges this, maybe you can tell your partner you understand and want him to explore that within your relationship and himself. Have you talked about attachment styles? Sorry, I cannot remember if you've already talked about this Good morning lilyg, and thank you for your message. I have spoken a little about what I am learning regarding attachment theory. He did chuckle and said "god know what mine would be", then shuffled about in his chair and moved on. I did mention it sometimes appears as though he has a wall around him, he nodded his head in agreement but look uncomfortable. I do feel he is opening up to me slowly. I just don't want to get it wrong lily just as he's starting to trust me. He has told me before that he's complicated, I hope one day to start to know what that looks like to him, but I think it's still to early right now. Me working on my AP side has really removed a lot of the drama. He even commented on how we never argue now, and how calm things are. I still really need to keep getting right with myself as I've not been very well for along time, but so happy I have a base foundation now to build from. You are an inspiration to me lilyg and your words soothe and make a lot of sense to me, and I thank you so much for all the time you give to help myself and others on this forum. Bless you X |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 16, 2018 15:13:17 GMT
Awareness is very important for you both as a couple, but it's just a first step towards healthy bonding. It's very sad as I can see both sides suffering because of it, and work, time and trust it's what's needed for growth. Of course, it will help if your partner is open and more empatethic. My last relationship failed because of that lack of generosity we all need from both sides. I recommend opening and being vulnerable talking about your own feeling ('I feel x', rather than 'you do this') to open up about your dynamics together. It sure helped me, and now we've come to a place in which he tells me about his feelings without me asking anything or him being uncomfortable by my reaction (well, step by step, as we all are a bit uncomfortable opening up about certain topics hahaha). I think is important that one person with avoidant tendencies (maybe even with AP) can talk about his/her needs. For example, trying to be open to say 'I love you', 'I care for you' etc, being aware of their own needs for connection, but also talking about his/her needs when they're feeling down or bad, like 'I need time to be alone' , 'some days I feel I cannot connect with a lot of people', 'some days I prefer not to be intimate and rest/have my body relax', 'some days I need physical connection/touch', 'some days I need more attention from you', etc. Which I think it's reasonable, relatively simple and expected in a romantic relationship. I think sometimes these insecure attachments make people feel shame of their needs, instead of embracing them and trying to be generous with themselves and their lovers. We all want to feel accepted within a relationship, just as we are. But good relationships make us grow to our potential, they challenge us and within challenge comes true bonding. It's a weird and difficult equilibrum to be in! Helsbells , whenever he aknowledges this, maybe you can tell your partner you understand and want him to explore that within your relationship and himself. Have you talked about attachment styles? Sorry, I cannot remember if you've already talked about this Good morning lilyg, and thank you for your message. I have spoken a little about what I am learning regarding attachment theory. He did chuckle and said "god know what mine would be", then shuffled about in his chair and moved on. I did mention it sometimes appears as though he has a wall around him, he nodded his head in agreement but look uncomfortable. I do feel he is opening up to me slowly. I just don't want to get it wrong lily just as he's starting to trust me. He has told me before that he's complicated, I hope one day to start to know what that looks like to him, but I think it's still to early right now. Me working on my AP side has really removed a lot of the drama. He even commented on how we never argue now, and how calm things are. I still really need to keep getting right with myself as I've not been very well for along time, but so happy I have a base foundation now to build from. You are an inspiration to me lilyg and your words soothe and make a lot of sense to me, and I thank you so much for all the time you give to help myself and others on this forum. Bless you X You're so sweet and kind I'm sure he notices and cherishes that about you. It's great that you are not having that much AP thoughts and that you're feeling better and calmer. Having a foundation is great! He has to help you too and try to meet you at the middle. I know it's sometimes scary but I'm sure you'll find the strenght to go it, little by little. Thank you too for listening and for your very kind words. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2018 17:04:36 GMT
Good morning lilyg, and thank you for your message. I have spoken a little about what I am learning regarding attachment theory. He did chuckle and said "god know what mine would be", then shuffled about in his chair and moved on. I did mention it sometimes appears as though he has a wall around him, he nodded his head in agreement but look uncomfortable. I do feel he is opening up to me slowly. I just don't want to get it wrong lily just as he's starting to trust me. He has told me before that he's complicated, I hope one day to start to know what that looks like to him, but I think it's still to early right now. Me working on my AP side has really removed a lot of the drama. He even commented on how we never argue now, and how calm things are. I still really need to keep getting right with myself as I've not been very well for along time, but so happy I have a base foundation now to build from. You are an inspiration to me lilyg and your words soothe and make a lot of sense to me, and I thank you so much for all the time you give to help myself and others on this forum. Bless you X You're so sweet and kind  I'm sure he notices and cherishes that about you. It's great that you are not having that much AP thoughts and that you're feeling better and calmer. Having a foundation is great! He has to help you too and try to meet you at the middle. I know it's sometimes scary but I'm sure you'll find the strenght to go it, little by little. Thank you too for listening and for your very kind words. I truly mean it, and thank you too your so lovely, kind and thoughtful Xx |
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Post by chipper on Oct 16, 2018 17:26:32 GMT
Awareness is very important for you both as a couple, but it's just a first step towards healthy bonding. It's very sad as I can see both sides suffering because of it, and work, time and trust it's what's needed for growth. Of course, it will help if your partner is open and more empatethic. My last relationship failed because of that lack of generosity we all need from both sides. I recommend opening and being vulnerable talking about your own feeling ('I feel x', rather than 'you do this') to open up about your dynamics together. It sure helped me, and now we've come to a place in which he tells me about his feelings without me asking anything or him being uncomfortable by my reaction (well, step by step, as we all are a bit uncomfortable opening up about certain topics hahaha). I think is important that one person with avoidant tendencies (maybe even with AP) can talk about his/her needs. For example, trying to be open to say 'I love you', 'I care for you' etc, being aware of their own needs for connection, but also talking about his/her needs when they're feeling down or bad, like 'I need time to be alone' , 'some days I feel I cannot connect with a lot of people', 'some days I prefer not to be intimate and rest/have my body relax', 'some days I need physical connection/touch', 'some days I need more attention from you', etc. Which I think it's reasonable, relatively simple and expected in a romantic relationship. I think sometimes these insecure attachments make people feel shame of their needs, instead of embracing them and trying to be generous with themselves and their lovers. We all want to feel accepted within a relationship, just as we are. But good relationships make us grow to our potential, they challenge us and within challenge comes true bonding. It's a weird and difficult equilibrum to be in! Helsbells , whenever he aknowledges this, maybe you can tell your partner you understand and want him to explore that within your relationship and himself. Have you talked about attachment styles? Sorry, I cannot remember if you've already talked about this This is a great post, and communication definitely has been a shortfall in our relationship. Just, for example, in this last breakup on Sunday, she told me she's been anxious and scared for the past two weeks. However, she hadn't brought that up to me. Once she said that, I told her should could have brought it up to me sooner. But I think at that point, it was just too much, and she didn't have any other option but to break up. Of course, I'm sure I could have done better with communication myself. |
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Take all the time you need to browse here if you need help with your anxiousness. anne12 posts a lot of very useful information, I've done some of her exercises when I've felt stressed.
But think how sad it's to be with someone who is not that crazy about you! Focus on you and your healing so if she comes back, or if someone else comes along, you can start a relationship that is good for you, full of respect and growth for both.
