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Post by jaleesa on Sept 18, 2018 10:27:44 GMT
Hi all!
So I've seen a lot of my people including myself struggling with connection, but one friend in particular. I even think he's going through depression, but this is only from my point of view. Hope you guys can help me. Here it goes:
I've known him for 9 years and I've noticed that he tends to idealize women, but quickly loses interest as soon as these women show they're interested in him as well. Most women tried to win him over, but there's one woman who decided to pull back. To this day she triggers him the most and so the cycle continues. Idealization to the max; longing for that one lost love.
He's been single for over 4 years and he just can't seem to let her go. In his mind, no one can compare to her. I had a conversation with him the other day about how miserable he feels and that he wants connection so badly, but this woman keeps popping up in his head. There's no room for a genuine connection with someone else. He already went to therapy but this didn't help him much. Since we've been friends for so long he asked for my help and I don't know what to do.
Is there anything I can do? What would be the best way possible to approach this and try to explain attachment theories to him? I want to be there for him but I don't want to push him away. It breaks my heart to see him like this.
Thank you so much!
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andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
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Post by andy on Sept 18, 2018 15:01:12 GMT
He asked for your help - is there any reason to think that offering your honest opinion, in a kind way, would push him away? Does he tend to retreat from friends as well as partners he loses interest in?
Maybe it would help to say a bit about your own experience and how attachment theory has been relevant and helpful to you?
Do you get the sense that he only wants to talk about the ex and not about his own part in things? Then you might need to create some boundaries around that, gently. I don't know, something like, "I can see how much pain this situation with your ex is causing you, and I want to be there for you. My own experience has been that these situations only get better if you can look inwards and try to work on the part of yourself that so stuck on a person who pulled away from you and was not reliable. I would like to talk about that with you and can point you in the direction of resources that have helped me. It is hard for me to keep talking about the ex as I see that is hurting you. So I hope you will understand there's a limit to how much I can talk about that." Some less formal and lengthy version of that, maybe?
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 19, 2018 7:32:49 GMT
He asked for your help - is there any reason to think that offering your honest opinion, in a kind way, would push him away? Does he tend to retreat from friends as well as partners he loses interest in? Maybe it would help to say a bit about your own experience and how attachment theory has been relevant and helpful to you? Do you get the sense that he only wants to talk about the ex and not about his own part in things? Then you might need to create some boundaries around that, gently. I don't know, something like, "I can see how much pain this situation with your ex is causing you, and I want to be there for you. My own experience has been that these situations only get better if you can look inwards and try to work on the part of yourself that so stuck on a person who pulled away from you and was not reliable. I would like to talk about that with you and can point you in the direction of resources that have helped me. It is hard for me to keep talking about the ex as I see that is hurting you. So I hope you will understand there's a limit to how much I can talk about that." Some less formal and lengthy version of that, maybe? Thank you so much andy! Yes, he does tend to retreat from friends as well, unfortunately. He feels really insecure in all of his relationships. He's very afraid of rejection and he never feels like he fits in. He has a big group of friends but he can go months without speaking to them, because he feels they won't miss him anyway. Instead of focusing on himself, he's very focused on girls and dating and says things like "well she didn't trust me so I cut off contact". Aaaand on to the next. I happen to know why she didn't trust him; because he didn't show up 90% of the time and because he was very focused on sex. I just don't know if he understands what's behind all this. He seems to be open to change but looking inward will be difficult for him I guess. I will definitely share my own experiences with him. I know what it's like to obsess over someone and he knows what I've been through, so I hope he will trust me enough to know I don't want to hurt him. |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 19, 2018 8:09:11 GMT
This is how I introduce it. I tell the person I've been having some struggles and so have been reading about psychology a lot, for example reading about this fascinating theory about attachment that makes so much sense and has been really helpful. I tell them about the 4 types, without saying which type I think they have. Very light-hearted, like we are discussing the Myers-Briggs personality test or something. They usually say right away which type they think they have and/or show interest in taking a test. The worst responses I've gotten have just been that one or two people didn't think it was that interesting or care enough to read more about it. Even with them, they said they'd welcome me just telling them more about it. I think the key is framing it in a way that doesn't feel like, "Here are all these things wrong with you, and I've analyzed you and think this is why and this is what you should do about it."
Do you feel secure towards him? That could make a difference. I haven't tried talking about it to anyone that I currently feel very insecure towards.
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Post by lilyg on Sept 19, 2018 8:44:40 GMT
This is how I introduce it. I tell the person I've been having some struggles and so have been reading about psychology a lot, for example reading about this fascinating theory about attachment that makes so much sense and has been really helpful. I tell them about the 4 types, without saying which type I think they have. Very light-hearted, like we are discussing the Myers-Briggs personality test or something. They usually say right away which type they think they have and/or show interest in taking a test. The worst responses I've gotten have just been that one or two people didn't think it was that interesting or care enough to read more about it. Even with them, they said they'd welcome me just telling them more about it. I think the key is framing it in a way that doesn't feel like, "Here are all these things wrong with you, and I've analyzed you and think this is why and this is what you should do about it." Do you feel secure towards him? That could make a difference. I haven't tried talking about it to anyone that I currently feel very insecure towards. I've done this with some struggling friends and they've took time to read about them. One specially was so happy to discover attachment styles hahaha as his last girlfriend was becoming verbally abusive and stalkerish in a very anxious way and he was depressed about how he always ended in bad dynamics with women (he actually posted about attachment styles on his profile to share it with more people). Now that's too much but generally speaking almost everybody takes it well if you just lay the information out there without commenting on their specific problems. They normally connect the dots  |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 19, 2018 9:19:38 GMT
"he actually posted about attachment styles on his profile to share it with more people" - what a brave man! Yes, he started a very interesting and nice debate on twitter and some of his friends were really glad to read about them too. I can see a good change in him I hope he meets a wonderful woman But sadly his ex was cyber-stalking him and went nuts and started to insult him and tell him terrible things, I guess because she felt hurt (which is weird, as he was very diplomatic about all his posts, talking about the theory in general). Anyway, it was the kick in the butt he needed to end all contact with her (so maybe it wasn't the most terrible idea). |
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