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Post by cris88 on Sept 22, 2018 4:00:13 GMT
Hi. I'm new and just learning about attachment theories (since last year).
I'm fairly sure I'm FA, it takes a lot for me to like someone and open up to them and when I do, it's always someone who doesn't want me back (and I turn AP).
My question is. What does fireworks/sparks feel to you in a relationship and why are they so important? I've never romantized the idea of something that accelerates my heart to the point of being unable to be without someone else -even in AP- because that means anxiety to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable even but it seems some others lust after it (I'm talking about DAs and FAs (I guess APs too) is it the high of a relationship?
Is there something wrong with me for not understanding that need?
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Post by alexandra on Sept 22, 2018 4:13:26 GMT
I think you understand very well. There's another recent thread discussing the "sparkles" in depth with many opinions on them. As a former AP, I talked there about how it took me until I was 26/27 years old to realize that what you are talking about was actually anxiety. It still took a few more years to realize it was not what I wanted to aspire to in my romantic relationships. Have you taken the attachment style quiz to find out which you are? www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 22, 2018 4:15:37 GMT
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Post by cris88 on Sept 22, 2018 9:07:22 GMT
I think you understand very well. There's another recent thread discussing the "sparkles" in depth with many opinions on them. As a former AP, I talked there about how it took me until I was 26/27 years old to realize that what you are talking about was actually anxiety. It still took a few more years to realize it was not what I wanted to aspire to in my romantic relationships. Have you taken the attachment style quiz to find out which you are? www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl Thanks!! I know confirm I'm FA in general and AP in romantic situations..though it seems I'm DA with mom and dad even if I have a good relationships with them, quite eye opening. Will check the other thread for the sparks, after being talked about the lack of sparkle constantly it weighed down on me, they're a bit of a myth to me  . |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2018 13:22:50 GMT
Hi. I'm new and just learning about attachment theories (since last year). I'm fairly sure I'm FA, it takes a lot for me to like someone and open up to them and when I do, it's always someone who doesn't want me back (and I turn AP). My question is. What does fireworks/sparks feel to you in a relationship and why are they so important? I've never romantized the idea of something that accelerates my heart to the point of being unable to be without someone else -even in AP- because that means anxiety to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable even but it seems some others lust after it (I'm talking about DAs and FAs (I guess APs too) is it the high of a relationship? Is there something wrong with me for not understanding that need? I think everyone has their own idea about what sparks means and how they experience it. I have never felt like I couldn't live without someone, but maybe that's what some people see as the sparks. Sparks for me is physical attraction. I think sparks could just mean what attracts you to that particular person. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Everyone is different and also it's hard to convey feelings through words because everyone's experience of the feeling can be different. |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 22, 2018 21:58:06 GMT
Hi. I'm new and just learning about attachment theories (since last year). I'm fairly sure I'm FA, it takes a lot for me to like someone and open up to them and when I do, it's always someone who doesn't want me back (and I turn AP). My question is. What does fireworks/sparks feel to you in a relationship and why are they so important? I've never romantized the idea of something that accelerates my heart to the point of being unable to be without someone else -even in AP- because that means anxiety to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable even but it seems some others lust after it (I'm talking about DAs and FAs (I guess APs too) is it the high of a relationship? Is there something wrong with me for not understanding that need? What does it feel like to you when you feel attracted to someone? "Spark" just means some feelings of "chemistry" towards someone, you feel drawn to them, instead of feeling neutral or repelled. That feeling might just be the awareness that you really want to have sex with them, and/or you really want to be around them, open up to them, spend more time with them, be romantically involved with them... something is pulling you towards them in some way. A "spark" can be driven by hormonal reactions to being in the person's physical presence. It is a primal feeling that you want a, usually sexual, connection with them. You might find yourself thinking they smell great, or find you want to sit closer to them. However it can also be from a distance, in my experience, like maybe you are texting with someone and they are really funny, you start to get excited every time they text you and hope you can see them in person soon, and you get an excited feeling every time they say anything flirty. But if you don't feel a sexual chemistry in person then you might lose that feeling. A spark can be instantly present, but it can also develop over time. I assume some people might avoid someone they feel an intense spark with because it makes them feel anxious, uncomfortable and vulnerable. But how do you get into a relationship with someone where you feel no spark? If I feel neutral about someone and not physically drawn to them, I cannot be bothered to keep seeing them. Some people might be looking for more of a forest fire instead of just a spark, looking for a person or relationship that feels like a drug they can't get enough of. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 24, 2018 23:22:53 GMT
I haven't really had sparks and fireworks in an actual relationship (except my first bf of two months, twenty years ago). In actual relationships it's more like glowing embers. Sparks and fireworks are the stuff of fantasy.... Hence perhaps why I'm here.
I think it's hard to not wish for sparks and fireworks because the intensity of that desire contains hope and beauty in the chaos, but as has been discussed in many a post, for a lot of us they are a sign that someone is activating our fear of abandonment but instead of seeing that we're projecting our hope onto them, or something along those lines.
I think our society may be doing a dis-service by making us think we should want/have sparks and fireworks. Many cultures people were perfectly happy in life without sparks and fireworks, and they didn't thus walking around feeling abnormal if it wasn't there...
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Post by alexandra on Sept 25, 2018 1:26:14 GMT
I wonder if most people who have always been secure feel sparks in the same way? I remember a former classmate once telling me about her fiancee. I asked her some questions like how she knew he was it, and she said it was actually "very anti-climactic." It just worked well and they decided that was it, and she loved him but it wasn't a whole big thing.
I've posted that as I moved into secure, love and desire feels different (wanting something safer, more stable, loving and comfortable but there's still a strong draw even if it's different and not flaming sparkling passion).
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Post by cris88 on Sept 27, 2018 4:28:07 GMT
Thanks everyone, you've been helpful.
Maybe fireworks are a kind of really weird connection and attraction for someone else. So for me it's what I feel when I just start liking someone new and I start to see potential, in the end it's just that. An illusion of what it may be or could happen with someone and not a sign of real love, still, that might be what other people seek. That high of the promise of new love.
It may be the same for secures, they may be just better at maintaining it when the relationship progresses and can work it out how to find them in a stable relationship when the newness wears off? Just a thought.
I know I asked the question because I'm still hurt by stuff that was said. It makes me feel a bit disappointed in myself to try to rationalise those things just to heal my wounded ego. It feels weird but even if I really liked this person I think it all comes down to my ego being hurt and feeling like I lost the game, I let someone else hurt me because I let my walls down, good job Cris! I don't regret it but I wished I had run when I had the chance, that way I wouldn't have been so pathetic asking to be loved when I was clearly not.
Now I'm not sure if what I felt was even real or just self hurt. Someone else validating my feelings of unworthiness and self hate and feel slowly sinking into the avoidance state with a pinch of fear.
But hey, some days are better than others right?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2018 15:50:24 GMT
For me it is sexual and/or a 'knowing' that something is going on between us, something unspoken. It's in the vibe or in the air. There's tension, and we both are aware of it. However, it can also be intellectual/emotional. When I talk to them, things seem to flow, we match somehow. We are on the same page. I've found that in all of my failed relationships, I could feel the former type of chemistry but not the latter. Hmm... that's interesting. It's rare that both types of sparks are present, but that would be the ideal, and only when I am more of a secure type would I be ready for that.
I've read that a lot of us insecure attachment types mistake anxiety for sparks/chemistry. But I can tell the difference. I definitely get anxiety with people I have (sexual) chemistry with, but that's because those I have chemistry with activate my attachment issues and when I see someone as a potential partner, I get scared.
They are separate feelings though. Anxiety: when I care about how I come off to them and get tongue tied, when I feel that drop in my stomach, when I can't really be myself. While sexual chemistry/sparks/butterflies, are more in my lower abdominal area, not my stomach. It's more of a desire thing. And intellectual/emotional chemistry is like this growing warmth inside of me. It's in my heart and mind. It's not repelling like anxiety.
But both anxiety and sparks can co-exist, which makes me very conflicted and I sort of freeze or go into overdrive and have to exit the scene.
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Post by goldilocks on Sept 29, 2018 5:40:57 GMT
For me it is sexual and/or a 'knowing' that something is going on between us, something unspoken. It's in the vibe or in the air. There's tension, and we both are aware of it. However, it can also be intellectual/emotional. When I talk to them, things seem to flow, we match somehow. We are on the same page. I've found that in all of my failed relationships, I could feel the former type of chemistry but not the latter. Hmm... that's interesting. It's rare that both types of sparks are present, but that would be the ideal, and only when I am more of a secure type would I be ready for that. I've read that a lot of us insecure attachment types mistake anxiety for sparks/chemistry. But I can tell the difference. I definitely get anxiety with people I have (sexual) chemistry with, but that's because those I have chemistry with activate my attachment issues and when I see someone as a potential partner, I get scared. They are separate feelings though. Anxiety: when I care about how I come off to them and get tongue tied, when I feel that drop in my stomach, when I can't really be myself. While sexual chemistry/sparks/butterflies, are more in my lower abdominal area, not my stomach. It's more of a desire thing. And intellectual/emotional chemistry is like this growing warmth inside of me. It's in my heart and mind. It's not repelling like anxiety.
But both anxiety and sparks can co-exist, which makes me very conflicted and I sort of freeze or go into overdrive and have to exit the scene. I feel it similarly and the body is such a great tool to distinguish the feelings. |
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