Is my ex DA done?

Why not ask him? 😊

Welcome to the forum. If you need to know, you should ask him. It sounds like the relationship is long distance, which I think is difficult for most couples to maintain no matter the attachment style. Either way, for it to work out, you both have to buy in to the process, which it doesn't seem like it happened in the past on either side.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate it very much. He does want to meet again, and is being flirtatious. However, the relationship will be on his terms, he travels everywhere, with a difficult schedule, and that is something I have to accept. I will accept it if it is likely to be a stable long term relationship with plenty of space for both of us, because I'm equally smitten. My own fear is that he is so independent, and being already divorced with grown children, he is only looking for a light, sexual relationship. While I don't feel anxious about not having enough attention or assurance from him about our mutual attraction, this is the part that concerns me.

With a DA, how can one tell if the space he needs is due to his attachment style (ok with me) or if it signals he is taking it light and really doesn't want to go the distance (not ok for me)?

How does one ask without triggering DA's feeling of engulfment or insecurity?

What are the odds of an enduring long term relationship if I am quite secure myself?

Thank you again, you are such a helpful group.

Everyone is telling you to talk to him about it. If you feel he might feel avoidant you can talk to him about attachment styles and he can connect the dots. But frankly, I wouldn't go back to an ex if you cannot talk about these things with him in an honest but kind way. You have already made some rapport with him and had a 'real relationship' so you have to at least manage an honest conversation about it. It's not about talking on how he is distant and displaying avoidant attitudes, but about how he feels about closeness and you, and what is he looking for (sexual companionship or a stable long term relationship like you want). You'll have more talks about emotions if you decide to try again, so why not start now? If he's not really sure, you can state your own feelings and needs, listen him and give him time to process and think about it while you go live your best life in the meantime. This is the only way you'll know.

If it's long distance and is the second round, I'd talk about how are you planning to end the distance in the future. It might be scary to think about it now but... LDR are so hard all in themselves!

The golden rule is: don't try to manipulate an outcome. Be honest and respect him. Accept his words, think about your reality, lead with security and relief. I understand your fear a lot, believe me. I've been there and it's scary to think that one 'bad talk' can drive him away forever. But the best outcomes we all have is when we open up and we are true to ourselves and honour our feelings. When you don't talk about these things it's when the relationship drifts away and ends.

If you need to know more about avoidance and how to react secure with someone struggling anne12 has an amazing post about it: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstyle

BTW, take this time to focus on you also, on why are you feeling nervous talking to him about it. I understand is something scary/uncomfortable but sometimes you see other things are going on inside you. If you focus on those things too, it can help you take better decisions for yourself and your relationships. Since I've been here I've been focusing on myself and I've been developing a lor of tools to manage myself better in emotional situations  

Cheers!

This site is really an eye-opener. Thank you for the contribution to understanding the various types. I've been reading the threads to understand DA style better. I am unsure if I'm ready for a relationship with a DA, I don't know if I can get used to and accept the long time and distance of contact.

One question I have - when the DA met you casually for an hour on Thursday before rushing off to another city, and later you thanked him for the breakfast, he texted back "Thank you for the shared moment, have a great weekend!" does this imply that you should not contact him in any way until after the weekend? How do you know how much "space" he needs between seeing you and speaking to you?


Thanks in advance for any help!

Thanks andy, excellent points made, and you're right. It is not a good sign if I feel like walking on eggshells around him. I sent him a light-hearted message yesterday, joking that I'm stuck with something I have procrastinated on and asking him if he has encouragement or reward for me to motivate me, thinking I'd love for him to text back or call. He waited a day and sent a short and curt reply. I'm having flashback to how I was always waiting around for him, and I really don't want this anymore. Things won't change, it'll always be this uncertainty. So I've decided to fade away, won't contact him anymore. Hope to meet a secure someday!

Thank you all for helping me to clarify my thoughts. It's not easy to fall out of an infatuation, especially with him, so I've got some work to do. I'm learning quite a lot from the exchanges here, keep up the good work and best of luck on your love journey!