Post by snowy on Sept 27, 2018 10:44:40 GMT
I hope this is the right place to post this, sorry if not (my first post).
I'm a Fearful-Avoidant who has been communicating with a Dismissive-Avoidant a lot for the past year.
At first I thought he was so cool and mysterious and put-together.
He is also very polite and well mannered to others, very well spoken... he offers to listen, never badmouths others.. Really, the whole bundle of sophisticated and charming.
Most importantly to me, he never intruded on my privacy (which has been horrendously abused by others in the past). So he was basically like a dream come true.
I really wanted to get to know him, so I asked if he would spend time with me online (we live very far away). I thought he'd say no, but surprisingly he said yes.
We now spend hours together every day online, for months. I got very, very infatuated. I even asked him out, to which he declined. But I wanted to stay friends.
(TL;DR) This is where the problems have started. I'll try to list them so this doesn't ramble on.
- He always says he doesn't need emotional connection with anyone, yet he offers to listen to me when I'm having really bad emotional breakdowns.
- He changed his schedule to spend more time with me online, but he refuses to meet in person, refuses to talk to me (I talk and he types).
- He won't really open up to me at all, even though I've taken the risk of opening up to him. (I understand it's not a business transaction, and he doesn't owe me anything, but it still kind of hurts to spend so much time together and not even be allowed the most basic information. For example he won't tell me how his day went beyond one word).
This has been really making me so confused and drained. I've never met anyone like him (Dismissive-Avoidant), I suppose because as an Avoidant myself, I hardly ever reach out to people or try to initiate anything.
I don't know what to do or what to think, or even what to say. I've tried kinda talking about it, and how it makes me feel. His first reaction was defensiveness and threatening to pull back, but then later compromise (which hasn't really happened..).
Can either Jeb or someone who is Dismissive Avoidment please help me understand, if any of this relates?
Is there any point for me to keep spending time with him? Does he really want to be my friend? Or perhaps is he just pitying me?
Is there a better way I can ask for compromise? (Maybe an actual list of things?) I do want to respect his boundaries, but I also want my own needs met (if both are possible).
I just can't understand why someone would bother listening to all of my depressed and stressed rambles, spend so much time with me, change their schedule for me (I didn't even ask him to, he did it on his own), and so on and so forth, if they never ever want to speak to me or ever see me in person. I tried asking him about it and he just says he's 'private' and doesn't want connection.. but for me those behaviors clearly feel like someone who's reaching out? Am I the one who's wrong? Am I putting too much meaning in those actions?
Sorry again for the text-dump, I'm just desperate for understanding and answers. Thank you in advance to anyone who helps. Feel free to ask questions.
This is the first person I've ever actively tried to be friends with, so it just hurts a lot to think it's not reciprocated.
I know it will take me a hell of a long time to ever lower my guard again if this all really means nothing, but I do want the blunt truth, no sugar-coating.
Edit: I'm also sorry if I am accidentally rude. I don't mean to come off as aggressive or anything like that, I'm just very confused and want to learn to understand him better and how to make things work for both of us, or to be told it's not possible. I have no problem against Dismissive Avoidants. I think he is an amazing person. My brain is just in overdrive trying to figure this situation out.
I'm a Fearful-Avoidant who has been communicating with a Dismissive-Avoidant a lot for the past year.
At first I thought he was so cool and mysterious and put-together.
He is also very polite and well mannered to others, very well spoken... he offers to listen, never badmouths others.. Really, the whole bundle of sophisticated and charming.
Most importantly to me, he never intruded on my privacy (which has been horrendously abused by others in the past). So he was basically like a dream come true.
I really wanted to get to know him, so I asked if he would spend time with me online (we live very far away). I thought he'd say no, but surprisingly he said yes.
We now spend hours together every day online, for months. I got very, very infatuated. I even asked him out, to which he declined. But I wanted to stay friends.
(TL;DR) This is where the problems have started. I'll try to list them so this doesn't ramble on.
- He always says he doesn't need emotional connection with anyone, yet he offers to listen to me when I'm having really bad emotional breakdowns.
- He changed his schedule to spend more time with me online, but he refuses to meet in person, refuses to talk to me (I talk and he types).
- He won't really open up to me at all, even though I've taken the risk of opening up to him. (I understand it's not a business transaction, and he doesn't owe me anything, but it still kind of hurts to spend so much time together and not even be allowed the most basic information. For example he won't tell me how his day went beyond one word).
This has been really making me so confused and drained. I've never met anyone like him (Dismissive-Avoidant), I suppose because as an Avoidant myself, I hardly ever reach out to people or try to initiate anything.
I don't know what to do or what to think, or even what to say. I've tried kinda talking about it, and how it makes me feel. His first reaction was defensiveness and threatening to pull back, but then later compromise (which hasn't really happened..).
Can either Jeb or someone who is Dismissive Avoidment please help me understand, if any of this relates?
Is there any point for me to keep spending time with him? Does he really want to be my friend? Or perhaps is he just pitying me?
Is there a better way I can ask for compromise? (Maybe an actual list of things?) I do want to respect his boundaries, but I also want my own needs met (if both are possible).
I just can't understand why someone would bother listening to all of my depressed and stressed rambles, spend so much time with me, change their schedule for me (I didn't even ask him to, he did it on his own), and so on and so forth, if they never ever want to speak to me or ever see me in person. I tried asking him about it and he just says he's 'private' and doesn't want connection.. but for me those behaviors clearly feel like someone who's reaching out? Am I the one who's wrong? Am I putting too much meaning in those actions?
Sorry again for the text-dump, I'm just desperate for understanding and answers. Thank you in advance to anyone who helps. Feel free to ask questions.
This is the first person I've ever actively tried to be friends with, so it just hurts a lot to think it's not reciprocated.
I know it will take me a hell of a long time to ever lower my guard again if this all really means nothing, but I do want the blunt truth, no sugar-coating.
Edit: I'm also sorry if I am accidentally rude. I don't mean to come off as aggressive or anything like that, I'm just very confused and want to learn to understand him better and how to make things work for both of us, or to be told it's not possible. I have no problem against Dismissive Avoidants. I think he is an amazing person. My brain is just in overdrive trying to figure this situation out.
