Post by lilos on Sept 28, 2018 2:47:50 GMT
I read somewhere that Self awareness isn’t always great news. And now that I am finding it I am left with some regret and guilt that I can’t seem to shake after acting out with an assumed DA. I have so many things I want to say but I don’t know if I will ever attempt it. So since I can’t/won’t send this to him- I am putting it here instead. I know that this is a lot for a DA- but it’s not something I plan to send- just somethings I am getting off my chest. Please keep that in mind.
___________
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since those last emails- seeing things as they really are- not as I want them to be or in a way that makes them easier to tolerate. It has me wanting to say some things to you again. I wonder if you would hear them from me?
I never should have contacted you the way I did. I had a lot of pent up stuff I had to deal with that never should have involved you. I should have known this but I didn’t and I said, did and asked for often inappropriate things. You spent your 20s working on yourself and I admire you for that. I didn’t but am trying to now. I couldn’t see past myself to you- which is strange considering how often I only looked at you so i wouldn’t have to see myself. It was unfair and unempathetic of me and I am sorry.
I heard what you said- you don’t trust me and that is valid. It made me look at what trust is and how the things I do and say sometimes don’t foster that in my relationships. How I may have very little of it for others too even though I would like to think I do. Thank you for sharing that with me.
You were right about me in a lot of ways. I did see myself as a victim- I was living a very armored and defensive life and I couldn’t see it. As much as you were right- you were also wrong about me in a lot of ways and I hope part of you could see that too. I was wrong in many of the things I believed about you.
You told me some things I really needed to hear and made me think. You showed me a different way to respond, not just different for you but from most people I have ever known but at the time I was too caught up to see it. I have a lot of respect for you and the person you have become. I think I can safely assume it wasn’t a good experience for you but...it was a catalyst for a lot of change in me that I didn’t actually believe was possible. Thank you for all the goodness you showed me- I couldn’t be more grateful to you for that.
_______
Thanks for the space to put that in. I’m embarrassed to post it. But I felt like I needed to share it with someone.
___________
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since those last emails- seeing things as they really are- not as I want them to be or in a way that makes them easier to tolerate. It has me wanting to say some things to you again. I wonder if you would hear them from me?
I never should have contacted you the way I did. I had a lot of pent up stuff I had to deal with that never should have involved you. I should have known this but I didn’t and I said, did and asked for often inappropriate things. You spent your 20s working on yourself and I admire you for that. I didn’t but am trying to now. I couldn’t see past myself to you- which is strange considering how often I only looked at you so i wouldn’t have to see myself. It was unfair and unempathetic of me and I am sorry.
I heard what you said- you don’t trust me and that is valid. It made me look at what trust is and how the things I do and say sometimes don’t foster that in my relationships. How I may have very little of it for others too even though I would like to think I do. Thank you for sharing that with me.
You were right about me in a lot of ways. I did see myself as a victim- I was living a very armored and defensive life and I couldn’t see it. As much as you were right- you were also wrong about me in a lot of ways and I hope part of you could see that too. I was wrong in many of the things I believed about you.
You told me some things I really needed to hear and made me think. You showed me a different way to respond, not just different for you but from most people I have ever known but at the time I was too caught up to see it. I have a lot of respect for you and the person you have become. I think I can safely assume it wasn’t a good experience for you but...it was a catalyst for a lot of change in me that I didn’t actually believe was possible. Thank you for all the goodness you showed me- I couldn’t be more grateful to you for that.
_______
Thanks for the space to put that in. I’m embarrassed to post it. But I felt like I needed to share it with someone.