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Post by omega14 on Oct 6, 2018 17:48:21 GMT
Here is another question: Once you are in a committed relationship (or any other commitment if applicable) is it easy for you to get out once you sense the partner is not a good fit? I ask because upon reflecting, I think people in general have an easier time getting into something rather than getting out. Your reservation about a good partner is a good spidey sense to have in my opinion! A lot of us catch the feels and rush into things - whether people, jobs, friendships, purchases - only to later realize it was and impulsive decision. People change over time so a good partner 'today' is often chosen by criteria that changes over time which means a bad partner today can turn into a great partner after 20 years of ups and downs of learning. Can a commitment be made to the person rather than the relationship because let me tel ya...there is no way to ever be sure....ever lol! So what if the commitment is to do your best to know someone vs. being with them? So if the relationship goes to a place of discomfort - you can step back and understand this level of intimacy (using intimacy as just a placehoplder) prevents you from getting to know them authentically and you will need to try again later. Maybe none of us have the ability to know if someone is a good partner but all of us can commit to finding out if someone is a good person.
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 6, 2018 18:04:10 GMT
That's like 20 different questions LOL I do think that long-term relationships (years and years) will have ups and downs and in most cases times where you consider breakup/divorce. Assuming there is no abuse (in which case separation is often the best option), I think it does take some stubbornness to stick it out and stick around with some faith that you will have a better stage of your relationship later on. Most long-term relationships really are for better and for worse. So yeah, I do think sometimes commitment may be about the relationship not the person. I think if you're together for year and years, sometimes you love the person but not the life you have together, sometimes you love the life you have together but not exactly feeling super keen on the person, but neither situation is necessarily permanent. Life will likely change and get better a time goes on, and your regard for the person (assuming they are a decent person) will likely change and get better as you evolve as a person. I think we go through disillusionment, but we also learn to appreciate things we didn't appreciate before.
I don't know if this answers your question.but I have had times I wondered if I was a "good fit" with someone and then later felt glad I stuck it out. The grass isn't always greener over there for the right reasons.
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Post by camper78 on Oct 7, 2018 3:15:27 GMT
Hi @mary - I think this is a really interesting question. Thanks for posting and to all those that shared their perspectives, too.
I don't have a history of choosing bad or abusive partners. Almost all of my exes are good people, though of course there are instances in each relationship where feelings were occasionally hurt (on both sides). My fear of commitment is partly connected to deep and unhelpful belief that I'M the bad partner.. because I'm the one who disassociates and avoids, who is afraid of intimacy, of relying on others and having others depend on me emotionally. I can be selfish and lack empathy at times because of these fears. So it has seemed to me that failure of any relationship is inevitable because I have a switch that flips, and this always leaves my person confused and hurt.
I'm working hard to better understand and work through my issues and injuries - I know the source of them and over the years I have become a lot more aware of my patterns and triggers. I want connection and relationship and was married once - but that is a post for a different thread - lol.. sigh.
I want to believe it is possible for me to overcome this fear, but I'm not there yet. I know I am love-able (even though I don't always feel it and I am a PITA sometimes), but it is hard for me to accept or relax into that love and to reciprocate it once past the limerant phase of relationship, where intimacy is needed and love/commitment becomes a choice that needs to be made over and over again. Right next to this is my fear of engulfment/loss of autonomy. All big stones to try and push around. :/
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2018 4:12:42 GMT
Hi @mary - I think this is a really interesting question. Thanks for posting and to all those that shared their perspectives, too. I don't have a history of choosing bad or abusive partners. Almost all of my exes are good people, though of course there are instances in each relationship where feelings were occasionally hurt (on both sides). My fear of commitment is partly connected to deep and unhelpful belief that I'M the bad partner.. because I'm the one who disassociates and avoids, who is afraid of intimacy, of relying on others and having others depend on me emotionally. I can be selfish and lack empathy at times because of these fears. So it has seemed to me that failure of any relationship is inevitable because I have a switch that flips, and this always leaves my person confused and hurt. I'm working hard to better understand and work through my issues and injuries - I know the source of them and over the years I have become a lot more aware of my patterns and triggers. I want connection and relationship and was married once - but that is a post for a different thread - lol.. sigh. I want to believe it is possible for me to overcome this fear, but I'm not there yet. I know I am love-able (even though I don't always feel it and I am a PITA sometimes), but it is hard for me to accept or relax into that love and to reciprocate it once past the limerant phase of relationship, where intimacy is needed and love/commitment becomes a choice that needs to be made over and over again. Right next to this is my fear of engulfment/loss of autonomy. All big stones to try and push around. :/ I think all insecures have the belief/fear to some extent (consciously or unconsciously) of being the bad partner. It's all so intertwined with the fear of picking the wrong partner I think. Yes, we may fear commitment, but there also may be real factors as to why we fear it. One person in the relationship cannot take all the blame. It's all so hard to see the triggers and determine if they are something to be feared or if it's just the fear itself that is holding us back, if that makes sense. |
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Post by howpredictable on Oct 14, 2018 3:35:16 GMT
I find commitment to be suffocating. It's about the lack of an (easy) escape route, in case I need one.
I'm not so concerned about choosing bad partners. In truth, they are all flawed in some way because I'm hard-wired to seek them out in a crowd, due to my own issues.
But I don't like being constrained, having to report my whereabouts to a partner, being accountable, etc.
And without commitment, it's easier to leave if necessary. With commitment, the whole relationship is somehow deemed more significant and "heavier," so wriggling out of it is a bigger deal.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 17:03:35 GMT
I find commitment to be suffocating. It's about the lack of an (easy) escape route, in case I need one.
I'm not so concerned about choosing bad partners. In truth, they are all flawed in some way because I'm hard-wired to seek them out in a crowd, due to my own issues.
But I don't like being constrained, having to report my whereabouts to a partner, being accountable, etc.
And without commitment, it's easier to leave if necessary. With commitment, the whole relationship is somehow deemed more significant and "heavier," so wriggling out of it is a bigger deal.
Yes, I know all about being wired to seek those that are not good for us. Yes, everyone is flawed, but I have picked some doozies which is in part due to my own issues and blindness. Not liking being accountable for my whereabouts I think is part of the whole package as well. I guess there are many reasons and some are more distasteful than others to me. If it is someone I trust, being accountable is a lot easier. I think the trust part for is the most difficult. I believe trusting myself more, then in turn others, would make the other parts easier. I am not sure. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 17:23:36 GMT
I find commitment to be suffocating. It's about the lack of an (easy) escape route, in case I need one.
I'm not so concerned about choosing bad partners. In truth, they are all flawed in some way because I'm hard-wired to seek them out in a crowd, due to my own issues.
But I don't like being constrained, having to report my whereabouts to a partner, being accountable, etc.
And without commitment, it's easier to leave if necessary. With commitment, the whole relationship is somehow deemed more significant and "heavier," so wriggling out of it is a bigger deal.
Yes, I know all about being wired to seek those that are not good for us. Yes, everyone is flawed, but I have picked some doozies which is in part due to my own issues and blindness. Not liking being accountable for my whereabouts I think is part of the whole package as well. I guess there are many reasons and some are more distasteful than others to me. If it is someone I trust, being accountable is a lot easier. I think the trust part for is the most difficult. I believe trusting myself more, then in turn others, would make the other parts easier. I am not sure. in all honesty, being where i am now in my relationship capacity and willingness to be "accountable", i don't find it to even be an issue in any relationship i choose. reporting whereabouts, a stringent "accountability", blah blah blah has only been an issue for me in toxic relationships that weren't founded in mutual love, care, and respect. so commitment isn't an issue for me- committing to toxic relationships is definitely a no go though. as i have said many times before, my ultimate romantic relationship mirrors a true and deep friendship and the give and take in that kindness of dynamic is organic and not forced or unnatural. |
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Post by ocarina on Oct 14, 2018 20:05:00 GMT
I think once you find inner freedom, the fear of commitment kind of dissolves - commitment is only a willingness to meet another on an equal playing field of openness and willingness to stay present. Once you're in that state of mind - then it's much easier to let go of something that isn't working without actually witholding - and in a relationship that is working, there is a natural inclination to share and feeling constrained just isn't on the radar. This at least is my experience.
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Post by omega14 on Oct 18, 2018 4:35:17 GMT
That's like 20 different questions LOL I do think that long-term relationships (years and years) will have ups and downs and in most cases times where you consider breakup/divorce. Assuming there is no abuse (in which case separation is often the best option), I think it does take some stubbornness to stick it out and stick around with some faith that you will have a better stage of your relationship later on. Most long-term relationships really are for better and for worse. So yeah, I do think sometimes commitment may be about the relationship not the person. I think if you're together for year and years, sometimes you love the person but not the life you have together, sometimes you love the life you have together but not exactly feeling super keen on the person, but neither situation is necessarily permanent. Life will likely change and get better a time goes on, and your regard for the person (assuming they are a decent person) will likely change and get better as you evolve as a person. I think we go through disillusionment, but we also learn to appreciate things we didn't appreciate before.
I don't know if this answers your question.but I have had times I wondered if I was a "good fit" with someone and then later felt glad I stuck it out. The grass isn't always greener over there for the right reasons.
Ha! Sorry about the bulk questions  It took a lot of life lessons for me to learn distinguish when my feelings are about me/about him/about us. I also learned somewhere...don't remember where to always ask if someone is unable, unknowing or unwilling. If someone is unable or unknowing then there is incentive to stick around and value them for the whole of their parts. Sometimes unable and/or unknowing is a deal breaker because we are at different stages in our journey and one of us isn't willing to stick around. An unwilling partner will never be a right fit. I believe for me a willing partner is a right partner and a relationship needs two willing partners. So an insecure doesn't really scare me as long as they are willing to grow. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2018 22:48:42 GMT
That's like 20 different questions LOL I do think that long-term relationships (years and years) will have ups and downs and in most cases times where you consider breakup/divorce. Assuming there is no abuse (in which case separation is often the best option), I think it does take some stubbornness to stick it out and stick around with some faith that you will have a better stage of your relationship later on. Most long-term relationships really are for better and for worse. So yeah, I do think sometimes commitment may be about the relationship not the person. I think if you're together for year and years, sometimes you love the person but not the life you have together, sometimes you love the life you have together but not exactly feeling super keen on the person, but neither situation is necessarily permanent. Life will likely change and get better a time goes on, and your regard for the person (assuming they are a decent person) will likely change and get better as you evolve as a person. I think we go through disillusionment, but we also learn to appreciate things we didn't appreciate before.
I don't know if this answers your question.but I have had times I wondered if I was a "good fit" with someone and then later felt glad I stuck it out. The grass isn't always greener over there for the right reasons.
Ha! Sorry about the bulk questions It took a lot of life lessons for me to learn distinguish when my feelings are about me/about him/about us. I also learned somewhere...don't remember where to always ask if someone is unable, unknowing or unwilling. If someone is unable or unknowing then there is incentive to stick around and value them for the whole of their parts. Sometimes unable and/or unknowing is a deal breaker because we are at different stages in our journey and one of us isn't willing to stick around. An unwilling partner will never be a right fit. I believe for me a willing partner is a right partner and a relationship needs two willing partners. So an insecure doesn't really scare me as long as they are willing to grow. It's good to ask questions. You definitely need 2 willing partners, but in my experience, someone can be willing, but cannot always overcome their own obstacles. If someone is willing to work and try to learn, but unintentionally keeps doing hurtful things, I am not sure that is or ever will be a right partner. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2018 22:52:32 GMT
I think once you find inner freedom, the fear of commitment kind of dissolves - commitment is only a willingness to meet another on an equal playing field of openness and willingness to stay present. Once you're in that state of mind - then it's much easier to let go of something that isn't working without actually witholding - and in a relationship that is working, there is a natural inclination to share and feeling constrained just isn't on the radar. This at least is my experience. I have come to this conclusion as well. I am distrustful but only because I have picked partners that aren't trustworthy. I do think that if I trust myself more, I will pick a better partner and in turn, trust them. Such a spidey web we weave for ourselves sometimes. |
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