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Post by tnr9 on Sept 30, 2018 12:40:44 GMT
As I explore things now that I am back to being single...I realize that there are some general stories that keep cropping up. One of them is that if I don't contact B, he will forget me. This even was a driver in the relationship...the notion that silence is "bad", that space is "intolerable" and that the success or failure of any relationship falls squarely on my shoulders. What a heavy burden to carry...and yet...that explains so much of the checking, the ruminating, the desire to "check in" and make sure things are "ok". I admit, i don't know a different way of being...that perspective...it all falls to me..is so heavily ingrained and so too is the fear and misinterpretation of silence and space. Those aspects of myself are still stuck in a very young place and i frankly don't know how to grow them up. I don't want to take this perspective forward..and at some point I would like to date again...so any suggestions are appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2018 16:34:28 GMT
As I explore things now that I am back to being single...I realize that there are some general stories that keep cropping up. One of them is that if I don't contact B, he will forget me. This even was a driver in the relationship...the notion that silence is "bad", that space is "intolerable" and that the success or failure of any relationship falls squarely on my shoulders. What a heavy burden to carry...and yet...that explains so much of the checking, the ruminating, the desire to "check in" and make sure things are "ok". I admit, i don't know a different way of being...that perspective...it all falls to me..is so heavily ingrained and so too is the fear and misinterpretation of silence and space. Those aspects of myself are still stuck in a very young place and i frankly don't know how to grow them up. I don't want to take this perspective forward..and at some point I would like to date again...so any suggestions are appreciated. I think this is a wonderful realization. |
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andy
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Post by andy on Sept 30, 2018 18:03:28 GMT
Hmm... I have some tentative ideas. I struggle with my own solitude and tend to be scheduled to the max with friends, activities and volunteering, to the extent that my life is often stressful and I wonder when I'll fit in laundry (even though I don't have kids!). If I see a weekend with no plans coming up two or three weeks away, I get anxious and start scheduling social activities. I know it's anxiety that makes me imagine that being alone will necessarily feel lonely and that not having plans means I'm unloved by my friends. What has helped me lately is to adopt some of the practices in a book about getting unlocked creatively called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. One of the practices is to schedule a weekly Artist's Date with oneself to do something really fun and maybe exploratory or playful or out of the ordinary, in solitude. For example, you could schedule a date with yourself to walk around connecting fall leaves, or buy yourself stickers at the dollar store and stick them on affirmations that you write up for yourself, or play games at an arcade, or make a goofy collage, or go to a museum... and the list goes on. The key is to schedule it and do your utmost to honour the date as though it were a social date with a friend. I have found it helpful to be really thoughtful about how I can use my alone time in a way that's delicious FOR ME and not necessarily 'productive' or 'serious.' This has started to shift my relationship to solitude so that I can more often get a really happy peaceful feeling even just from folding laundry or washing dishes while listening to music by myself. And I'm less keen on being scheduled to the max. So I am wondering whether you can find anything enjoyable about space and solitude for YOU? Since you talk about feeling that the whole relationship was on your shoulders, I am also wondering if there was anything that B was doing to make you feel that space meant he was forgetting about you or neglecting you. While you may have your own fears about space that are deeply ingrained, they will obviously be activated more by someone who doesn't provide much consistency and security. It isn't all on you. Do you have any friendships where you see each other somewhat infrequently but never doubt that your friend cares deeply about you? If so, what factors enable you to feel that way? I'm not sure where I'm going with this but feel it could be an interesting avenue for reflection. Great awareness and intention, tnr9! |
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Post by cris88 on Sept 30, 2018 20:10:51 GMT
As I explore things now that I am back to being single...I realize that there are some general stories that keep cropping up. One of them is that if I don't contact B, he will forget me. This even was a driver in the relationship...the notion that silence is "bad", that space is "intolerable" and that the success or failure of any relationship falls squarely on my shoulders. What a heavy burden to carry...and yet...that explains so much of the checking, the ruminating, the desire to "check in" and make sure things are "ok". I admit, i don't know a different way of being...that perspective...it all falls to me..is so heavily ingrained and so too is the fear and misinterpretation of silence and space. Those aspects of myself are still stuck in a very young place and i frankly don't know how to grow them up. I don't want to take this perspective forward..and at some point I would like to date again...so any suggestions are appreciated. I guess sometimes we have to be a bit negative and clear on what we want in our dating life to get over these feelings. Believe me, I'm going through something similar and it's been tough, still after one year. You are a beautiful individual. You have your own likings, ways of being, quirkiness, passions and hobbies (I don't need to see it to believe it) You're soooo many things when you're not with him or in a relationship! But you need to get real, believe it and remove yourself completely from that cycle. If he forgets you, you'll still be you. Regain your confidence, your self love -I know this is cliche but it's true- Remember what it's like to be with yourself. Have you tried creating something artsy? I know it hurts to not be loved back by the person you still feel so close to, it takes guts to let go and say enough is enough for your own sake and to remember this moment with a smile and not with sadness. You did your best, be happy you tried. I know it may look like we AP are manipulative and super self righteous but I can tell it comes from a place of real compassion and care and love (it's a mirror). Try and be a bit selfish with your heart and your kindness. Protect your heart, that is something beautiful we can learn from Avoidants. I've learned so far that before committing you may want to get to know that person for a least a year before letting yourself go because there are some seasonal traumas. You will be ok. Nothing is permanent as long as you let yourself heal, mourn as much as you need but don't let the pain turn into suffering. You are worth a beautiful life and to be truly appreciated. Personally for me it's really hard to stop seeing someone I truly connect with because of various loses (deaths) in my family, the only thing that helped this time was that I promised myself I would never let myself be disrepected or be disrespectful to him. I wished I could have stopped sooner when everything was ok. I'd rather be forgotten than remembered as just 'some other needy woman he had to get rid of'. My dignity and sense of self is wobbly as it is and no one will ever be worth losing it. Everything is going to be ok. It may be different from what you imagined but it will be beautiful. I know this may be a big rambling and completely useless but it's sincere!  |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 1, 2018 0:19:43 GMT
Do you have any friendships where you see each other somewhat infrequently but never doubt that your friend cares deeply about you? If so, what factors enable you to feel that way? I'm not sure where I'm going with this but feel it could be an interesting avenue for reflection. I was going to suggest this as well, tnr9. I think if a foundation is solid, space doesn't disturb it too much. Perhaps you don't feel confident that your foundation with B is solid, but from what you've described, I think he does want to be your friend and is aware of your emotional struggles. If he's a decent person, he'll understand the reasons for your distance and not hold it against you. I blocked my ex for 8 months to work on myself, even though making that decision was so difficult for me, and he was thrilled and appreciative when I unblocked him. And it was a turning point for me to focus on myself first. But rather than sharing my experience again, if you do have any friends or family that you can talk to after a long absence and pick right back up where you left off, then you know shouldering an entire relationship with someone (whether romantic, friendly, family, etc.) isn't actually on you. People who care don't just forget, even with distance. You're asking yourself the right questions and taking note of your feelings as you take new actions. I also think it's good you're identifying your behaviors and intentions, because what you are describing is typical AP. It's a process, but you continue to seem to be pointed in the right direction |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 2, 2018 2:24:32 GMT
Hmm... I have some tentative ideas. I struggle with my own solitude and tend to be scheduled to the max with friends, activities and volunteering, to the extent that my life is often stressful and I wonder when I'll fit in laundry (even though I don't have kids!). If I see a weekend with no plans coming up two or three weeks away, I get anxious and start scheduling social activities. I know it's anxiety that makes me imagine that being alone will necessarily feel lonely and that not having plans means I'm unloved by my friends. What has helped me lately is to adopt some of the practices in a book about getting unlocked creatively called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. One of the practices is to schedule a weekly Artist's Date with oneself to do something really fun and maybe exploratory or playful or out of the ordinary, in solitude. For example, you could schedule a date with yourself to walk around connecting fall leaves, or buy yourself stickers at the dollar store and stick them on affirmations that you write up for yourself, or play games at an arcade, or make a goofy collage, or go to a museum... and the list goes on. The key is to schedule it and do your utmost to honour the date as though it were a social date with a friend. I have found it helpful to be really thoughtful about how I can use my alone time in a way that's delicious FOR ME and not necessarily 'productive' or 'serious.' This has started to shift my relationship to solitude so that I can more often get a really happy peaceful feeling even just from folding laundry or washing dishes while listening to music by myself. And I'm less keen on being scheduled to the max. So I am wondering whether you can find anything enjoyable about space and solitude for YOU? Since you talk about feeling that the whole relationship was on your shoulders, I am also wondering if there was anything that B was doing to make you feel that space meant he was forgetting about you or neglecting you. While you may have your own fears about space that are deeply ingrained, they will obviously be activated more by someone who doesn't provide much consistency and security. It isn't all on you. Do you have any friendships where you see each other somewhat infrequently but never doubt that your friend cares deeply about you? If so, what factors enable you to feel that way? I'm not sure where I'm going with this but feel it could be an interesting avenue for reflection. Great awareness and intention, tnr9 ! Hey Andy...appreciate the insight into what you do with solitude. As far as whether B did anything to exacerbate my fears....gosh...that is so tricky for me. Right now, Iam feeling so protective of him and anything I come up with I view as being "normal" and my fear as being "irrational". That means I am not in a mature space but in a codependent one...so...I will comeback later when I have found my footing again and respond. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2018 2:52:35 GMT
tnr9, it may be helpful to remember that this relationship from his perspective was just as cuddle buddies, that reflects the nature of his investment. so, in light of the casual nature of it, the space wasn't space in a committed relationship, it was distance in a casual relationship. if you were more heavily invested emotionally, and you were, hoping for progression into something beyond a casual relationship, it makes sense that you would be uncomfortable with behaviors that demonstrated a lack of investment and commitment. If you were in a committed relationship with a partner exhibiting a high level of investment and commitment you probably wouldn't be having to try to figure out so much internally: maybe you are overthinking. it felt bad because it was bad. is that possible?
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Post by ocarina on Oct 2, 2018 19:17:47 GMT
I agree with Juniper - that when your relationship ended, whilst B moved on, you remained in relationship mode, looking for the kind of validation you required in a relationship - when it didn't come (because he wasn't in the same place as you emotionally), unsurprisingly it was unsettling and set off all kinds of alarm bells which then had you repeating stories about how you shouldn't interpret things this way, because it wasn't personal.
You are right in that it wasn't personal, but you still felt bound in anxiety in the way that an insecure relationship would feel - even though he felt single and behaved as a single person a long time ago, it's taken you a while to get there - as such, maybe you feel almost as though you've had a recent breakup? Does that make sense? Whilst he experienced the breakup a long time ago.
It's not your fault - or his - but his silence was just that - he wasn't with you relationship wise and it was your expectations that he was, or should be, that led to the pain - rather than succumbing early on to the gut wrenching band aid removal feeling, that the end of a relationship tends to bring.
Bravo for getting there Tnr - what might be difficult is that your head is so used to coming up with B stories, and ruminations that it's difficult to turn this narrative off now. I think of it as a kind of well worn default thinking mode, and when we've been at it for a while the pathways neurologically become pretty strong - but like any muscles, if you don't use them, they will atrophy and now the the chance to develop new ways of thinking that align more with what you want for yourself and for the future.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 3, 2018 0:39:42 GMT
tnr9 , it may be helpful to remember that this relationship from his perspective was just as cuddle buddies, that reflects the nature of his investment. so, in light of the casual nature of it, the space wasn't space in a committed relationship, it was distance in a casual relationship. if you were more heavily invested emotionally, and you were, hoping for progression into something beyond a casual relationship, it makes sense that you would be uncomfortable with behaviors that demonstrated a lack of investment and commitment. If you were in a committed relationship with a partner exhibiting a high level of investment and commitment you probably wouldn't be having to try to figure out so much internally: maybe you are overthinking. it felt bad because it was bad. is that possible? Thank you Juniper...you are right..it was a casual relationship for him and that is so very difficult for me to fathom because I have never entered into a relationship "casually". I tried, really tried to meet him in that casual space...even when alarm bells were internally going off, I always knew it was my issue and not his. Even when he starting leaving cloths at my place and we had regularly scheduled days...even then I could sense he wasn't fully in it...but I would chock that up to my inability to accept his laid back nature and need for freedom. Every time I thought we had made progress, his doubts would come to the surface. I always thought of those as my doing...and I really struggle with avpccepting that he only saw me as a cuddle buddy and nothing more. Although I appreciated his honesty..that was a punch to my gut. So I see this time as a fight between wanting to hold onto a fantasy and accepting reality. Thank you for being so very kind...I swear I must hold the record on this forum for longest time in denial. ❤️❤️❤️ |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 3, 2018 0:51:51 GMT
I agree with Juniper - that when your relationship ended, whilst B moved on, you remained in relationship mode, looking for the kind of validation you required in a relationship - when it didn't come (because he wasn't in the same place as you emotionally), unsurprisingly it was unsettling and set off all kinds of alarm bells which then had you repeating stories about how you shouldn't interpret things this way, because it wasn't personal. You are right in that it wasn't personal, but you still felt bound in anxiety in the way that an insecure relationship would feel - even though he felt single and behaved as a single person a long time ago, it's taken you a while to get there - as such, maybe you feel almost as though you've had a recent breakup? Does that make sense? Whilst he experienced the breakup a long time ago. It's not your fault - or his - but his silence was just that - he wasn't with you relationship wise and it was your expectations that he was, or should be, that led to the pain - rather than succumbing early on to the gut wrenching band aid removal feeling, that the end of a relationship tends to bring. Bravo for getting there Tnr - what might be difficult is that your head is so used to coming up with B stories, and ruminations that it's difficult to turn this narrative off now. I think of it as a kind of well worn default thinking mode, and when we've been at it for a while the pathways neurologically become pretty strong - but like any muscles, if you don't use them, they will atrophy and now the the chance to develop new ways of thinking that align more with what you want for yourself and for the future. Thanks Ocarina...you are correct as well....I think I have avoided for so long the idea that this is truly over and as such....I do feel that the break up is fresh..even though it was over a year and a half ago. I was trying to remember what I did before when there was a break up....I either went head first into another relationship or spent years in isolation....neither has addressed my issue. I think you are right...ruminations and stories about B are my default....and sometimes I do still indulge in them...but....I have found that I don't stay in them nearly as long...so I am hoping in time they will fade along with the feelings of letting him down and feeling protective of him. I would love to be able to see him the way he sees me....as just a friend...hopefully in time I can get there. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 3, 2018 1:26:20 GMT
Hmm... I have some tentative ideas. I struggle with my own solitude and tend to be scheduled to the max with friends, activities and volunteering, to the extent that my life is often stressful and I wonder when I'll fit in laundry (even though I don't have kids!). If I see a weekend with no plans coming up two or three weeks away, I get anxious and start scheduling social activities. I know it's anxiety that makes me imagine that being alone will necessarily feel lonely and that not having plans means I'm unloved by my friends. What has helped me lately is to adopt some of the practices in a book about getting unlocked creatively called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. One of the practices is to schedule a weekly Artist's Date with oneself to do something really fun and maybe exploratory or playful or out of the ordinary, in solitude. For example, you could schedule a date with yourself to walk around connecting fall leaves, or buy yourself stickers at the dollar store and stick them on affirmations that you write up for yourself, or play games at an arcade, or make a goofy collage, or go to a museum... and the list goes on. The key is to schedule it and do your utmost to honour the date as though it were a social date with a friend. I have found it helpful to be really thoughtful about how I can use my alone time in a way that's delicious FOR ME and not necessarily 'productive' or 'serious.' This has started to shift my relationship to solitude so that I can more often get a really happy peaceful feeling even just from folding laundry or washing dishes while listening to music by myself. And I'm less keen on being scheduled to the max. So I am wondering whether you can find anything enjoyable about space and solitude for YOU? Since you talk about feeling that the whole relationship was on your shoulders, I am also wondering if there was anything that B was doing to make you feel that space meant he was forgetting about you or neglecting you. While you may have your own fears about space that are deeply ingrained, they will obviously be activated more by someone who doesn't provide much consistency and security. It isn't all on you. Do you have any friendships where you see each other somewhat infrequently but never doubt that your friend cares deeply about you? If so, what factors enable you to feel that way? I'm not sure where I'm going with this but feel it could be an interesting avenue for reflection. Great awareness and intention, tnr9 ! Andy...I am back...better spirits....so...as far as B goes...i think if I am honest...I never sensed that he was fully in it....and as such...space meant he could find someone else...but....I still see that more as my issue...because I never discussed that fear with him. As to friends who I see infrequently but still know we are ok....yes..I have a few...mainly secure friends who have made it very clear that nothing I do or say would ever change their feelings for me and I feel very assured of their kindness and care. It is however different from the way I feel about B...i don't have any romantic interest in my friends and I never shared any physical intimacy with them...so that is different. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2018 4:28:25 GMT
i'm really proud of you tnr9, you've come a long way. denial is a coping mechanism, and it is going through some death throes with you, don't be hard on yourself about it. just keep coming back, we will help you along. you're getting there, so don't lose heart. you are gaining your freedom slowly but surely. just keep going. 🌸 |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 5, 2018 2:48:04 GMT
Thank you juniper...the last couple of days have been amazing...it is as if something finally clicked for me. I was able to do a lot of cleaning and have started to give some items away. My place looks so much better and I have felt better. Yesterday I told my dad I was on Lexipro and he was actually happy for me and said I sounded really good. I have a ton of plans for this weekend and a friend and I may take a trip together next spring. Just pausing to be grateful. 🙂 |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2018 13:35:15 GMT
Thank you juniper...the last couple of days have been amazing...it is as if something finally clicked for me. I was able to do a lot of cleaning and have started to give some items away. My place looks so much better and I have felt better. Yesterday I told my dad I was on Lexipro and he was actually happy for me and said I sounded really good. I have a ton of plans for this weekend and a friend and I may take a trip together next spring. Just pausing to be grateful. 🙂 hugs tnr9! what if you can be free, to have and do better and find your real home with reciprocal love? it's possible! one step at a time, forward. very proud of you. |
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Post by omega14 on Oct 6, 2018 18:34:07 GMT
As I explore things now that I am back to being single...I realize that there are some general stories that keep cropping up. One of them is that if I don't contact B, he will forget me. This even was a driver in the relationship...the notion that silence is "bad", that space is "intolerable" and that the success or failure of any relationship falls squarely on my shoulders. What a heavy burden to carry...and yet...that explains so much of the checking, the ruminating, the desire to "check in" and make sure things are "ok". I admit, i don't know a different way of being...that perspective...it all falls to me..is so heavily ingrained and so too is the fear and misinterpretation of silence and space. Those aspects of myself are still stuck in a very young place and i frankly don't know how to grow them up. I don't want to take this perspective forward..and at some point I would like to date again...so any suggestions are appreciated. I don't know your whole story with B (perhaps you can send a link where I can get the summary) but I can definitely relate to that feeling of being forgotten. It sucks balls! Rest assured though that somewhere in B's neuropathways there is a place where it says "tnr9 WuZ HeRe 2018). My favourite quote of all time is from Tao Te Ching - "To a still mind the whole universe surrenders". Mastering silence, space and solitude is a lifelong struggle for all of us so consider yourself in good company...the struggle is real Re: checking in and wanting to get the 411 on the other end - smile and give yourself a hug that you are someone who cares about others. Your caring energy is most welcome and appreciated in the collective consciousness of mankind It doesn't have to be actioned to be real. If you care then consider mission accomplished. |
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