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Post by elawrence17 on Oct 3, 2018 3:46:11 GMT
Hello, I’m an 18 year old female, and just recently looking into this type of attatchment disorder.
I was born in Russia, put into an orphanage before I was a year old. At the age of 4 I was adopted and now live in the United States. I feel as if my needs must not have been met as I was in the orphanage, because these qualities really represent me. I do not remember much about being in the orphanage, but have video tapes of my (now) family as they adopted myself and my siblings. I seemed to be very sad and insecure in these videos, and relied only on my sister when making decisions. Her and I have a very close relationship to this day, I feel like that is because we grew up together in the same environments.
Growing up, I always looked to please my parents. They were strict and wanted to keep me sheltered. Whenever arguments would happen, I tried to fix them. I wanted to make everybody happy, without really thinking about myself. I grew up in independent person. I had trouble making friends and knew I didn’t quite fit in. I began to do whatever pleased other people to maintain the friendships I did have. Still, I never really felt like I belonged. I was never asked to do anything, it would always be me reaching out. To this day, it’s the same way. As I’m in my first year of college, I have made no friends. I go to school and I leave. I don’t attempt to reach out to anybody anymore.
I’m currently in a 2 year relationship. He is 3 years older than me. I always felt as if he helped me mature and grow up. I think I’ve become very dependent of him, yet I’ll still get mad when he tries to help me figure out how to adult. He is my first relationship, and we are currently taking another ‘break’ because of our constant bickering. I would get mad when I wouldn’t get a response I wanted to hear. He is very busy, yet I’m not supportive of him or his future. I get angry when he won’t talk to me for hours on end (even though he told me he’d be busy for a while), and in return ignore him for hours. I’m seeing I’m very manipulative. I blame him for not loving and giving me enough attention. I blame him for not sacrificing anything for me as I gave up my dream college so I could be with him. I completely shut out all my friends and family. I gave all my time to him. We argue about arguing all the time. He says he will try and make more time for me countless times and fails, and so I in return get frustrated and ignore him. I know this is not healthy. He has told me he gets sad around me. I’m rarely in a good mood or happy to see him. I can’t tell if I really love love him or if he’s the only thing I know and have. He’s told me he doesn’t want to engage with me when I am upset all the time and I shouldn’t wonder why he ignores me when I’m just yelling at him. We are on our first day of our break, and I’ve checked his location several times. I’ve been thinking of him constantly. I said we should take the break but I still got upset and disappointed when I didn’t hear anything from him all day. I don’t know if I need to take time to work on myself without him, or what I need to do in general.
I moved out of my parents house on bad terms, and am slowly regaining communication with them again. I still don’t like the idea of upsetting them or saying anything hurtful. My sister is the complete opposite.
I want to be happy, I’m ofton sad and alone as I have no hobbies. I am very self conscious of myself, and very dependent on other people’s reactions. I want to make everyone around me happy, but I’m not happy myself. I don’t want to have to stare at my phone for hours upset I haven’t heard from a single person. I would just like some guidance.
Thank you,
Ellie
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2018 4:33:54 GMT
bless your heart Ellie. elawrence17 welcome to this forum. i am very tired and have to go to bed but i read your thread and wanted to respond. there are so many wise and kind and supportive people in this forum to help you. I am another attachment style, but we all share the same deep wounds. i will return to this thread when i am rested and have more to express, i am very tired. But welcome. Others will be along shortly. 🌸 |
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andy
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Post by andy on Oct 3, 2018 6:05:38 GMT
Ellie, I am glad you reached out here! You are very insightful about your ways of relating to others and how your life experiences have shaped you, and very resourceful for doing research online and ending up here. Your post seems to me to be a strong and courageous step towards the life you want.
I am exactly double your age but it has taken me this long to find my way here. And many others are in a similar boat. So I think you can feel good about all you've achieved so far, even if it doesn't seem like much to you. You have such a clear vision for how you'd like to change and are already gathering resources around you to support that change (like this board and the people on it), and you are taking the leap to be authentic with us.
Welcome! <3
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 3, 2018 11:54:34 GMT
Hey Ellie..welcome to the forums. I think it is great as well that you are so self aware...but...it can be a very double edged sword as the tendency will be to focus on the negative traits...what is interpreted as being either not enough or too much. While it is good to recognize this...it is equally important to recognize your strengths. Codependency forms when there is an expectation that someone else will provide what we think we need and lacked to receive....however...the reality is that everything that you seek from him is actually within yourself to give to yourself. It does require a choice to go against the automatic thoughts and behaviors that you have developed over the years...but in the end...if you can give to yourself what you would like him to give to you...you will find yourself attracting people towards you. If you can find it in your library..the book Leaving the enchanted forest may be helpful as it speaks to developing a life where your relationship is only a part of your life and not the primary source of your life. Sending you cyber hugs.
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andy
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Post by andy on Oct 3, 2018 16:22:53 GMT
I have had some more ideas, elawrence17 ! 1) Do you have access to free counselling as a student? I think sometimes colleges and universities provide this (in Canada it is pretty much a given at every post-secondary school, not sure about the US). It could be great to tap into counselling resources if you have free access, as they can be so helpful and are often out of reach for people financially. 2) Book recommendations are great! Good suggestion by tnr9 ! I have another one, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by McKay, Wood and Brantley. Though DBT was designed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, I think the techniques are almost universally useful. There are tons of concrete steps you can take for self-care, grounding, interpersonal/communication skills, distress tolerance/self-soothing and more, all outlined in this book. If you are interested in this book and cannot track it down at a library or afford to buy it, please direct message me as I can pass along a PDF copy that a friend passed along to me. I believe in paying for books when you can, but when you can't and your mental health is at stake, I think it is worth it for us to share resources. <3 Edited to add: Anybody reading this who wants to look at the DBT Skills Workbook and doesn't otherwise have access is welcome to direct message me about it. |
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andy
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Post by andy on Oct 4, 2018 0:08:08 GMT
PS. I have now put the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook on Google Drive for someone who requested it, so really don't be shy to message me for the link, folks!
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Post by lilyg on Oct 4, 2018 8:26:50 GMT
Hi and welcome  So many good books! Just yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine as she had a really rough week in terms of relating to other people. She's very similar to you as in she always felt she didn't feel she belonged when she was younger and tends to please people of be mortified if she feels someone is not happy with her. Now we have a very solid group of friends and sometimes she still struggles to let go the anxiety. So you can see 'adulting' is hard for all of us sometimes. It's normal to feel insecure, but is great that you realised you want to change that and I'm sure you'll be able to grow into a more secure adult if you focus on yourself in a kind way. The thing that I told my friend that helped her the most is that adult relationships are very different and have very different expectations that the relationships we cultivate during our younger years (mind you, we're 28, I understand right now you're in a different position than us, as your journey it's just starting). I know it sounds very... 'duh', but sometimes we forget about this. Adults tend to be way more 'forgiving' and having their own life and set of things to do... no adult expects you to please them, and you should not expect that from anyone. Just a small thing to remember if you feel engulfed. But of course it takes time and work, and lots of practice. I think it's important for you to talk to a therapist and focus on some personal goals you'd like to acomplish on your own (getting fit, play an instrument, learn to paint). You can try doing one solitary activity and one in group so you can practice healthy bonding and build a nice support group outside family and boyfriend. It's important that you feel good about yourself before starting a relationship, but I think learning how to be in a healthy, happy relationship is better learn while being in one. Sorry I cannot offer more help, as I don't have much but practical advice to give. You can read these books other posters are commenting, they sound very interesting and helpful. I would recommend you try at least for a month to not contact if you both decide to break up for a while, and focus on you. Then maybe you can both revisit if the things keeping you apart from each other are going to change and if you're both commited in the long run. You're very young, whatever that happens, with the insight you have of yourself, will be ok. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 4, 2018 10:04:16 GMT
I don't know if you currently have a pet..but there are a lot of studies that show that pet ownership is a very positive thing. I recently adopted a cat and although he can very very annoying at times..he has shown me a love that is really beneficial to me right now. In fact...he is laying beside me as I type this reply.
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joan
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Post by joan on Oct 5, 2018 1:20:17 GMT
Hey Ellie..welcome to the forums. I think it is great as well that you are so self aware...but...it can be a very double edged sword as the tendency will be to focus on the negative traits...what is interpreted as being either not enough or too much. While it is good to recognize this...it is equally important to recognize your strengths. Codependency forms when there is an expectation that someone else will provide what we think we need and lacked to receive....however...the reality is that everything that you seek from him is actually within yourself to give to yourself. It does require a choice to go against the automatic thoughts and behaviors that you have developed over the years...but in the end...if you can give to yourself what you would like him to give to you...you will find yourself attracting people towards you. If you can find it in your library..the book Leaving the enchanted forest may be helpful as it speaks to developing a life where your relationship is only a part of your life and not the primary source of your life. Sending you cyber hugs. Thank you tnr9 for the book suggestion! I'm always looking for new information and reading material about this subject. Reading the introduction of this book it sounds really good. Hopefully Ellie will look into it and find some helpful information too. |
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joan
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Post by joan on Oct 5, 2018 1:54:43 GMT
Hi Ellie and welcome to the forum -
I hope you'll find some insight, support and understanding that we all have found on here. It's been my go to whenever I'm feeling down and helps me feel less alone.
I completely understand your struggle even though my situation growing up was a little different than yours. It must have been very difficult. I grew up in a broken home and lived in different group homes. Like you, I too felt like I never belonged, tried really hard to fit in, but always felt like an outsider. It's a lonely feeling, but you are not alone. You sound very smart, wise and insightful for your young age. The fact that you're looking within yourself to understand your reactions and issues is really great. I had a tendency to point fingers at everyone, parents, boyfriends, and husband for whatever I was feeling or going through emotionally. It wasn't until my thirties that I realized it was a pattern that I was creating. You already see that while you have your issues with your boyfriend, your dependency on him to feel better about yourself is unhealthy and you want to change that.
I would highly suggest you consider therapy if you have the ability to do so. It's not a cure all, the work is always going to have to come from you, but it's one of the first things you can do for yourself. When you start to work on yourself more, other things like hobbies will come easier for you. When you're in this place where you're sad often, not feeling good about yourself and your dependency on your boyfriend is so high, it can be hard to even think of a hobby. It's baby steps. One day you may feel like going for a walk or hike. The next you won't want to leave your room. I struggle with that myself. It takes effort and sometimes pushing yourself. Once you're actually doing it, you might be glad you did. I've been there too. The more you do that, the easier it becomes. The same with the thoughts.
I don't know if you've heard of positive affirmations, but I've had a couple of therapists recommend it to me. I've done it on and off but unfortunately I've failed to be consistent with it.
You write down three things you like about yourself that day, for example: I like myself today because I helped my brother with his resume, or I smiled at a stranger. It could be something big or small, it doesn't matter.
To take that a step further, you can also write three things you're grateful for. The next morning read over what you wrote. This exercise is obviously not some quick fix. What it's supposed to do is continually feed your brain with positive messages about yourself and others, and over time quiet down the negative messages you feed your brain.
I could go on, but I really felt for you and your experience and wanted to share some things to hopefully help you along the way. I have high hopes for you, and wish you well!
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So many good books!