Post by omega14 on Oct 4, 2018 22:39:42 GMT
Hello friends,
I have been reading you pour yourself onto my screen for about 3 months now. I commend this collective for being brave, for taking accountability, for helping one another and for sharing your truths. Introspection and the path to our 'best selves' is often cloudy and arduous. It takes dedication, commitment and self-love to face the authentic person we are once the mud settles. Often, who we want to be, whether to please others or in spite of them, gets way more attention than the authentic self. For the authentic self is often at peace and doesn't need much attention
I found this forum because I found myself in a relationship with an avoidant. I hadn't experienced these behaviours in a romantic partner before and it was a difficult experience for me.
I finally decided to post, because if I can be of service I would like to. I am happy to answer questions, or confirm stereotypes or simply engage you in some discourse because maybe it will distract you enough to give you some temporary peace. Here is a bit of background on me:
- I took Jebs test and others and I am a secure.
- Although I have lots parent resent, I grew up in a stable environment and am very close with my family. I would say my mom is mega anxious and my dad is less so and also has narcissistic tendencies. In the family dynamic, I would be considered the avoidant. I had a very close group of friends growing up and through them and their families, I knew by about 15-16 I was 'normal' whereby I behaved more like my friends but their parents didn't behave like mine or brake so many boundaries.
- When analyzing myself, I have displayed both avoidant and anxious behaviours in my relationships. I have always had long term relationships (I am 37) and have always had casual ones in between. The latter could vary from one night stands to 6 months FWB. Some of them I pined over, some of them I was indifferent about a month later. There isn't a particular trend.
-I was married for 8 years to someone with narcissistic personality disorder. I was very dedicated to my husband and loved him tremendously. By year 5, I went to therapy for depression. By year 7 I was now onto my 3rd doctor who was a psychoanalyst and recognized it wasn't depression at all but my husband who was the real problem. I had been blocking and blaming myself so I can keep him. I was amazed what my mind can do to give me what I want!! It took 10 months to accept this new reality, mourn my love and move out. We have a child and I let both our families (I was and still am close with his) know my intentions as soon as I decided it was the only solution to our marital problem and gave him 3 months to seek help for the parts of him that were destructive to me (namely anger, blame,emotional instability), but of course nothing happened and now I am 2 years out of that relationship.
- Since moving out, I learned to play guitar, I got my motorcycle license, I changed jobs to be more available to my child...I slowly reclaimed myself. My ex husband was by far the most amazing connection I ever had. He was also the person who needed to hurt me when he felt bad about himself. It impacted me emotionally, physically and mentally. I am not angry with him.
- After leaving,I was mainly focused in therapy on understanding why I chose my husband and how to not do that again.
This brings me to attachment theory. I started dating 8 months after moving out in order to get myself out there. I enjoy being alone and I had my hobbies, but a relationship is top priority for me because I want a family for myself and my son and these things take time to find and cultivate. I met my avoidant, I will call him A, 1.5 years post divorce. I was consistently dating before that and if there was any red flags I wouldn't pursue anything. When I met A, I liked him instantly. There was a physical raw attraction, there was this kindness and stilliness in him and just a sweet guy who was fun. The avoidant behaviours were obvious to me right away. On our first date, I kissed him first. He didn't pull away, but he wasn't what I was used to. I have dated shy guys, ones on the spectrum or men who have social anxiety and I am happy to take the pressure off. After our kiss, I immediately commented on his hesitation and told him I sensed his walls and that there is a fortress around him. We continued dating, and each dating variable required negotiation such as if he didn't reply to me, then I would write him off. When he would reappear I would tell me his inconsistent style of communicating made me think he wasn't interested (I didn't see this as unreasonable) and I require something more predictable when getting to know a man. Each time it felt like a critique and I would spend time reflecting how I contribute to my anxiety. Each time he would give me what I wanted. Texts, Calls, after sex cuddling, touching while lounging, holding one another while sleeping. Each one of these things felt like an obstacle we had to overcome. During all of this, I am also experiencing classic push/pull behaviours. At one point midway through I was at my anxious peak (I would say 2-3 months) and I articulated this peak to him by explaining that I was feeling very primal negative feelings like rejection and abandonment from him. When you have a wonderful time with someone who has indicated they will be there in the future and they disappear on you - you will feel bad regardless of you are. It's what we do with that bad feeling that separates us all I think. I finally learned about attachment theory at that time, and after 2 more break up/back together cycles I went NC. Each time we broke up, he would come back and ask me to not leave and hang in there with him but as soon as he would have me back he would go back to the same self sabotaging narrative of "i can't give you what you want, I cant be your bf, I don't want to string you along, etc'. When I would ask however if he understood I wanted marriage and family and long term he always said yes and that he respects me too much to string me along. Lots of contradictory behaviour. I got him into therapy by month 5. I had asked my therapist for a reco and it was my non negotiable. I spent a lot of time explaining myself and my machinations but I tried to stay away from telling him what I thought of him as far as attachment and psychology goes. I knew that's his path to walk. We were on our last break up, (during these breaks he usually initiates after a week) and I wasn't engaging in a reconciliation. I would just maintain I care, and that I don't want to interfere in his journey to heal. I let him text me (usually I would steer the convo into addressing the obvious like the fact that text isn't between people who have lots of emotions for one another and we should discuss things in person), and I would text him back. One night he told me he loved me, he always feels me and that he is always there with me - which was the first time. He was also high or drunk so not many defences. I just replied I loved him. I had told him I loved him before and never needed it back. Same with I miss you's. I let him know that expressing my emotions makes me feel good and and always made sure to check in if my word of affection were welcome. They always were. The day after I love you, I had 2 shitty things happen to me that devastated me and I wanted to run to him for support, he was the guy that loved me and it was instictual. I asked if we can speak in person. After 3 hours he finally replied it wasn't a good idea. By that time I had found solace in a few friends and family and was feeling less emotional. I replied that I reached out for his friendship because some personal challenges arose, and I understand I didn't give him context. In actuality, I felt very let down and disappointed. He got panicky and started asking if I was ok and that he is always there for me if I need him. I didn't reply. I knew I could no longer walk in the same direction as him. I wanted to vent, and write him how I felt and get closure, and...and...and I didn't care enough to actually do it anymore. I no longer wanted to serve someone who doesn't serve me. I could not give that which I cannot get back anymore. Simply, I just didn't give a fuck anymore to end up where he is going. I sent him a text that our journey was over and he sent me back panic, and anger quoting me from before when I told him I would be there for him. Neither one of us called. I replied I am and will continue to be that person but I can no longer offer him those things. I apologized and closed the chapter. It has been 2 weeks and I would rather put my energy to serve you guys.
My friends, being secure does not make it any easier to walk away or make me less angry and hurt. Trust me, it is difficult and I sketch out and my fingers get itchy to just reach out. I also can relate to the avoidance and have always felt empathy for A because of that. I know none of it is easy...but believe me it is VERY possible to put yourself first. It is very possible to choose to be good to yourself. It is very possible to choose those dreams that you never wish for yourself.
The motivational factor to post here after all these months was all of you. I wanted to say thank you and hopefully my thoughts weren't too fragmented (I am not editing so apologies ahead of time!). If you have questions, regardless of your attachment, I am happy to discuss.
I have been reading you pour yourself onto my screen for about 3 months now. I commend this collective for being brave, for taking accountability, for helping one another and for sharing your truths. Introspection and the path to our 'best selves' is often cloudy and arduous. It takes dedication, commitment and self-love to face the authentic person we are once the mud settles. Often, who we want to be, whether to please others or in spite of them, gets way more attention than the authentic self. For the authentic self is often at peace and doesn't need much attention
I found this forum because I found myself in a relationship with an avoidant. I hadn't experienced these behaviours in a romantic partner before and it was a difficult experience for me.
I finally decided to post, because if I can be of service I would like to. I am happy to answer questions, or confirm stereotypes or simply engage you in some discourse because maybe it will distract you enough to give you some temporary peace. Here is a bit of background on me:
- I took Jebs test and others and I am a secure.
- Although I have lots parent resent, I grew up in a stable environment and am very close with my family. I would say my mom is mega anxious and my dad is less so and also has narcissistic tendencies. In the family dynamic, I would be considered the avoidant. I had a very close group of friends growing up and through them and their families, I knew by about 15-16 I was 'normal' whereby I behaved more like my friends but their parents didn't behave like mine or brake so many boundaries.
- When analyzing myself, I have displayed both avoidant and anxious behaviours in my relationships. I have always had long term relationships (I am 37) and have always had casual ones in between. The latter could vary from one night stands to 6 months FWB. Some of them I pined over, some of them I was indifferent about a month later. There isn't a particular trend.
-I was married for 8 years to someone with narcissistic personality disorder. I was very dedicated to my husband and loved him tremendously. By year 5, I went to therapy for depression. By year 7 I was now onto my 3rd doctor who was a psychoanalyst and recognized it wasn't depression at all but my husband who was the real problem. I had been blocking and blaming myself so I can keep him. I was amazed what my mind can do to give me what I want!! It took 10 months to accept this new reality, mourn my love and move out. We have a child and I let both our families (I was and still am close with his) know my intentions as soon as I decided it was the only solution to our marital problem and gave him 3 months to seek help for the parts of him that were destructive to me (namely anger, blame,emotional instability), but of course nothing happened and now I am 2 years out of that relationship.
- Since moving out, I learned to play guitar, I got my motorcycle license, I changed jobs to be more available to my child...I slowly reclaimed myself. My ex husband was by far the most amazing connection I ever had. He was also the person who needed to hurt me when he felt bad about himself. It impacted me emotionally, physically and mentally. I am not angry with him.
- After leaving,I was mainly focused in therapy on understanding why I chose my husband and how to not do that again.
This brings me to attachment theory. I started dating 8 months after moving out in order to get myself out there. I enjoy being alone and I had my hobbies, but a relationship is top priority for me because I want a family for myself and my son and these things take time to find and cultivate. I met my avoidant, I will call him A, 1.5 years post divorce. I was consistently dating before that and if there was any red flags I wouldn't pursue anything. When I met A, I liked him instantly. There was a physical raw attraction, there was this kindness and stilliness in him and just a sweet guy who was fun. The avoidant behaviours were obvious to me right away. On our first date, I kissed him first. He didn't pull away, but he wasn't what I was used to. I have dated shy guys, ones on the spectrum or men who have social anxiety and I am happy to take the pressure off. After our kiss, I immediately commented on his hesitation and told him I sensed his walls and that there is a fortress around him. We continued dating, and each dating variable required negotiation such as if he didn't reply to me, then I would write him off. When he would reappear I would tell me his inconsistent style of communicating made me think he wasn't interested (I didn't see this as unreasonable) and I require something more predictable when getting to know a man. Each time it felt like a critique and I would spend time reflecting how I contribute to my anxiety. Each time he would give me what I wanted. Texts, Calls, after sex cuddling, touching while lounging, holding one another while sleeping. Each one of these things felt like an obstacle we had to overcome. During all of this, I am also experiencing classic push/pull behaviours. At one point midway through I was at my anxious peak (I would say 2-3 months) and I articulated this peak to him by explaining that I was feeling very primal negative feelings like rejection and abandonment from him. When you have a wonderful time with someone who has indicated they will be there in the future and they disappear on you - you will feel bad regardless of you are. It's what we do with that bad feeling that separates us all I think. I finally learned about attachment theory at that time, and after 2 more break up/back together cycles I went NC. Each time we broke up, he would come back and ask me to not leave and hang in there with him but as soon as he would have me back he would go back to the same self sabotaging narrative of "i can't give you what you want, I cant be your bf, I don't want to string you along, etc'. When I would ask however if he understood I wanted marriage and family and long term he always said yes and that he respects me too much to string me along. Lots of contradictory behaviour. I got him into therapy by month 5. I had asked my therapist for a reco and it was my non negotiable. I spent a lot of time explaining myself and my machinations but I tried to stay away from telling him what I thought of him as far as attachment and psychology goes. I knew that's his path to walk. We were on our last break up, (during these breaks he usually initiates after a week) and I wasn't engaging in a reconciliation. I would just maintain I care, and that I don't want to interfere in his journey to heal. I let him text me (usually I would steer the convo into addressing the obvious like the fact that text isn't between people who have lots of emotions for one another and we should discuss things in person), and I would text him back. One night he told me he loved me, he always feels me and that he is always there with me - which was the first time. He was also high or drunk so not many defences. I just replied I loved him. I had told him I loved him before and never needed it back. Same with I miss you's. I let him know that expressing my emotions makes me feel good and and always made sure to check in if my word of affection were welcome. They always were. The day after I love you, I had 2 shitty things happen to me that devastated me and I wanted to run to him for support, he was the guy that loved me and it was instictual. I asked if we can speak in person. After 3 hours he finally replied it wasn't a good idea. By that time I had found solace in a few friends and family and was feeling less emotional. I replied that I reached out for his friendship because some personal challenges arose, and I understand I didn't give him context. In actuality, I felt very let down and disappointed. He got panicky and started asking if I was ok and that he is always there for me if I need him. I didn't reply. I knew I could no longer walk in the same direction as him. I wanted to vent, and write him how I felt and get closure, and...and...and I didn't care enough to actually do it anymore. I no longer wanted to serve someone who doesn't serve me. I could not give that which I cannot get back anymore. Simply, I just didn't give a fuck anymore to end up where he is going. I sent him a text that our journey was over and he sent me back panic, and anger quoting me from before when I told him I would be there for him. Neither one of us called. I replied I am and will continue to be that person but I can no longer offer him those things. I apologized and closed the chapter. It has been 2 weeks and I would rather put my energy to serve you guys.
My friends, being secure does not make it any easier to walk away or make me less angry and hurt. Trust me, it is difficult and I sketch out and my fingers get itchy to just reach out. I also can relate to the avoidance and have always felt empathy for A because of that. I know none of it is easy...but believe me it is VERY possible to put yourself first. It is very possible to choose to be good to yourself. It is very possible to choose those dreams that you never wish for yourself.
The motivational factor to post here after all these months was all of you. I wanted to say thank you and hopefully my thoughts weren't too fragmented (I am not editing so apologies ahead of time!). If you have questions, regardless of your attachment, I am happy to discuss.
