Giving space versus being available

Thanks compassionateavoid for your advice. It's long distance, so no coffee 

Yes, so i'm trying to be secure and act on secure principles (link below) which is be available but don't interfere -- I'm aware that sometimes I might be interfering unwittingly, so i want to be mindful of that. 

In any case, in moving towards being secure, I also want to be mindful of my needs and take care of myself, without overextending myself to meet other people's needs. This is a delicate balance which I'm still learning, because I think APs generally overextend themselves in putting others' needs before themselves and then feel very aggrieved that they're not being taken care of, then feel fear that if they put themselves first, they will risk losing the relationship. Constant struggle between choosing between the self and the other. 

see: medium.com/@phdconfidential/understanding-and-improving-your-attachment-style-a-worksheet-b5625ffa022b

absolutely, I think you're very right. The risk of losing the relationship is more real than one perceives, because the dynamic already seems so tenuous. In any case, i chose to do the email because i needed to be honest and stand up for myself unapologetically, even if that meant ending the relationship. I did tell him i don't want to be in this relationship anymore, but it doesn't mean i don't want to be with him. it's just that the dynamic that has been built up over time is really unhealthy and frankly, quite pointless.

You're absolutely right in that that was extremely triggering and also because I was extremely triggered. In hindsight, I was screaming to be heard. You are spot on in the part about fooling myself because im communicating my needs. I've tried telling him multiple times how it looks for me without any emotion, but it didn't seem like it got through at all. the injustice and hurt just builds over time with every failed attempt and it'll just come out as an emotional outburst. I feel like I have to scream it just so that he (and my mum really - she literally ignores what i say when it's things she does not want to hear) take what I say seriously.  The trigger was also that I feel manipulated.. like whatever changes he makes to his behavior is highly suspicious because I don't see it as sustainable change coming from real emotional involvement. It's just change for the moment to keep me in check and once it's ok, he'll just go right back to being dismissive with no remorse - this is the worst fear of an AP, the inconsistency and sudden removal of connection. I don't know how to explain all these without making it sound like i'm accusing him. I've shown him videos, i've analyzed our interactions, i've put it in business terms so that he'll understand (he's very work oriented), and he'll seem to understand cognitively but not emotionally. 

When you say that your AP friends are often very demanding and should know what's ok with them, can you elaborate on what that means? For example, what does demanding means?

(1) Based on what? Because he doesn't react to it or gives you reassurance? His first instinct will be to protect himself, and probably won't react the way you want(I did catch myself a few times expecting my DA to react the way I wanted, the way I would but he isn't me).
It's the time when giving him space is needed and when he cools down, he should be able to see your side. He probably still will be improving in his own way(not yours), that's why patience and being secure is the key. He'll never ever see your side when he's deactivating. 

(2) This is exactly why you have to know what your boundaries are and keep them. My mother wasn't listening to me either, after learning about the attachment theory I got fed up. I told her it flat out she's not listening to me and that I do not like it. I do the same with my DA; I simply tell him 'you are being very disrespectful towards me right now' and stop engaging before a discussion becomes an argument.
I give him a clear sign that I won't be tolerating it. What I'm trying to do is to communicate that certain behaviors are not accepted anymore by me but at the same time I'm trying NOT to say/suggest HE is not accepted by me.
Instead giving up on my needs and building resentment, because there's no way they'll change over night even if they love you, I draw a big fat line. If they step on it, I warn them very firmly but calmly. I think it's very important not to show any signs of hostility and be very available at this point. If they cross the line you have to be ready to get out, and they have to know it. But you have to be secure, while triggered you won't know where the line is and whether they only stepped on it or crossed it. 

Oddly enough, it works. Little by little. 

(3) You'll have to accept it is not sustainable. It can't be. Is it for you? You can be self-aware, working on yourself, but once you're triggered you are triggered and everything goes to point A. For some it takes years and years of self awareness and therapy to become secure. It's deeply rooted, often traumatic events created it. He'll have to relearn the way he functioned and coped his whole life. It is a process. I think it'd be unfair to expect him to and it's your decision if it's ok with you to be part of that, if your needs can be met. I'm FA so in a sense that distance of my DA is safe for me and I don't mind this very, very slow process. I wouldn't be able to meet AP's needs though.


(4)They (silently) expect from me to take care of them, they project their attachment wound on me(like I'm the one responsible for that). I can help but I'm not their mommy/daddy. 

Hey Anxious....hang in there..I know it is tough. Just keep coming here and asking questions. I think you can reach out...in general I have found that men like shorter messages and keep it upbeat.  I would suggest you craft a message and have a few friends review it first before you send it to him. Hugs.

Hi Juniper, thanks for dropping in during this difficult time!

What did you mean by I took a damaging approach? Which part is damaging?

I’m not intending to ask anyone to curate my msgs. That in itself is also exhausting and too much time and resources involved. My friends wouldn’t want to be involved either.

I thought carefully about what I wanted to say and I did say it in the email. Those might be hurtful things for him to hear but that’s how I felt and the behaviours he was exhibiting made me feel like I cannot trust him to be committed and kind to me.

He said he would get back to me but did not specify a time frame Nor if we would stay in contact. So I have left him alone and did not initiate contact. I’m wondering if contacting at this point would be considered triggering for DAs who are already triggered. I’m not playing a chess game. if he clearly told me that no let’s end this, I’m good with it. But we left it hanging and I would like to have clarity on where we stand.