Giving space versus being available

i think it's very important to look deeply and honestly at the anxious preoccupied trance of choosing an emotionally unavailable partner to play out the attachment injury script.

it gets lost in the story of the relationship and what one imagines it could or should be. then the avoidant is the bad guy failing to be what you need. but you chose him INSTEAD of an available partner. you have a choice.

do not forget- if you are AP you did this.
you created this trap for yourself. he's just the other participant. he created a trap too. he can't blame anyone just like you can't. script. narrative. injury. that's the subplot to this story.

and you're rebelling against the partner you chose specifically, unconsciously, because he fit your abandonment narrative.
i didn't make this up. it's suggested by the literature.

understand your own internal drama to be free from it.
you cannot change someone else, nor are you entitled to someone else.

you have to heal yourself , not "heal" your partner.

your partner has to heal themselves , not "heal" you.

once a level of health and reciprocity is reached then partners can be interdependent and help each other grow.
when that happens it doesn't look like this tired tale. it is a tired tale, from the attachment theory perspective. it's textbook. again, i did not make this up.

stop seeing the AP/Avoidant trap as anything other than what it is. stop seeing your part as anything other than what it is. stop seeing your partner's part as anything other than it is. your situation is not unique, it is textbook.
you aren't the good strong person to his weak wounded person.
you aren't the healthy person to his unhealthy person.
you aren't the answer to his problem.
he isn't the answer to yours.

you don't accept him as he is, you don't accept that he has withdrawn, and told you that he can't do what you need.
you want him to do what you want him to do- is that right? you want him to be more like you, don't you? you want him to meet your expectations, and he doesn't. am i off base?
whatever he isn't doing, you don't accept that he has autonomy and freedom to be exactly as he is whether you endorse and accept it or not, and you have the freedom and responsibility to decide what works for you only, not what you think should work for him or your idea of "us".

it is what it is, he is as he is, you are as you are.
now- what does anyone owe you? what do you owe anyone?
what do you owe yourself?

questions to ponder.

these are attachment wounds. what do you think about that, when you set aside your agenda to have what you want?

these are deep matters. underlying it all is excruciating pain in his psyche, and in yours.
are you tired of tippy toeing? why are you tippy toeing?
that's what you've got to look at. what's your attachment narrative? are you as eager to identify it as you are to identify his?

are you projecting anything?
are you wrestling with your own shadow?

fair questions, in response to your comments and questions.

i'm here to heal myself not complain about a partner.
i'm here to deal with my triggers, my wounding, my narrative, my dysfunction, my unavailability.

i've answered some questions of yours and i just had some of my own, not because i need the answers but you might?

This is just... musings of my own after reading this thread, and maybe it'll strike a chord for some readers.

There is often a narrative of APs that this person can do so much better, he/she can live a much more fulfilling life if only he/she can see how being avoidant keeps them in their own shell. This is definitely what I think of my DA, because when we do connect, he is such an amazing soul that it's such a pity he isn't doing more of it! Also, he/she is so strong and capable, that he/she should not be wary of risk and vulnerability in the way he/she is used to anymore. I often think that my DA is so amazing and strong, I cannot see why he has so much fear. he has so much fear that he is also afraid of just being with me, even though he wants to. he just has to let go of that fear. that is why APs continue to insist and protest when the DAs draw into themselves. I still think the same of him, i still want him to be better, but the fact is, love is not enough. me loving him as hard as i possibly can is not enough, because he does not trust himself to be vulnerable in that.

I think more importantly, for APs, DAs do not feel safe because that love we have is not deep, stable and strong. it is excitable, passionate, and intense, all of which are also insecurity inducing for APs and DAs both. it is deep in the sense that we feel it in our soul, but that love hasn't expanded to fill our bodies and our presence. The cold, withdrawn, absent person IS also our DA, and if we don't love that part of him/her, then it's also a sort of rejection of who they are. this is how i'm starting to see our relationship.

guys.
i have to keep it real here.
all this altruistic love is coming from anxious preoccupied a who DA's don't see as necessarily altruistic.
maybe you intentions are good, but only till you get triggered.
then it's all about you.
talk about the blind leading the blind.
and, this is pure PROJECTION to try to convince us we are lovable and can be free.
it is the AP that feels unlovable, and wishes to be set free from their rumination, activation, despair.

this is extremely dysfunctional love we are talking about.

you can say you're working toward secure- but each of you admit to being seriously AP.

in short- your rescue love has no credibility.
we are emotionally withdrawn, not blind.

i just have to turn this conversation on it's head.

AP really need to focus on their own potential to be free and healthy and stop trying to fix someone they are free to leave alone and walk away from.

you know what it feels like to a DA? being treated like a child. engulfed. controlled.

this is what i have to say about an AP seeing a DA'd "potential" and trying to prod them toward it.

you don't have our answers, please believe this. we are not you. we don't see the world the same way you do.
if you are secure, you will have better boundaries and you won't have this rescue fantasy.

AP become obsessed with feelings of being unlovable, if we move away to be ourselves.
that's not freedom- find your own freedom.

AP panic at abandonment as an adults, and that's not freedom. AP make a list of needs and then deny them so that they can make us "free" to trust, relax, be happy, not reject the AP.. not reject the AP... that's the point- you squash your needs so you won't be rejected. that's not freedom and you need to look after your own potential.

AP want us to heal so we can feel better and do what the AP wants also. APs have an agenda. it's not free from control or manipulation.

So- this is a DA response to all this talk of love and rescuing and potential and freedom.

I agree with the assessment that the AP/DA pairing is the most toxic and damaging of all foe both partners.

i don't see the dynamic as altruistic and misunderstood. i see it how the experts see it- full of control and punishment of expectations are not met.

Very well said.  The projection is real and stifling to me as a DA.  My ex was always looking to me for the answers.  What can he do to make me act the way he wanted.  What can he do to make me want him back.  He saw it as he just wanted to love me and he thought I just couldn't see that.    I refused to engage in that tomfoolery.  I could see all the tiptoeing, the protests, the bids, him trying to "figure me out" and it all just felt like manipulation.  

The one and only thing that has made me want to reconsider is his beginning to look inward.  To look at why he acts the way he does. To see things differently.  That real freedom for me is to be free of a" love" that is possessive, a "love" that is looked upon to fill a hole.  I am not sand to fill in the gaps for another person.  I need a person that is whole on their own.