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Post by 8675309 on Oct 16, 2018 14:22:09 GMT
From what I read you usually don't come back after you start to deactivate and cut out.
Its been about a year of in and out. We have a situation-ship and never got to anything committed.
Im a secure with a bit of DA according to tests. He turned me anxious for a bit as Ive never dealt with a DA before but got over it quickly as now I understand attachment styles and it has nothing to do with me. As secure as I am it threw me for a loop.
He knows Im not looking for a FWB but also knows Im not looking to rush moving it, getting married, etc. He also knows I need my independence like he does. Im good with slow and steady, Im a busy person and a total loner type. I probably have a stronger need for independence than a DA but Im a secure. It would be ideal for me to have that separate house next door like Ive seen talked about here! haha. AP's and I certainly dont mix.
I have not pressured him to commit but have told him how I feel and Im certainly looking for consistency/stability and slow grow. When Ive talked about my feelings I keep that 'low pressure' too, DA or not when it comes to feelings I take the low pressure approach with anyone because feelings can be tricky with many. My feeling talks have been mostly in person and I ask if we can talk about something before I spill.
Comes in chasing hard then fizzles 3 weeks to a month. Gone two weeks to a month and comes back. When he starts the deactivate/dismissive/ignore me I dont chase it I let him be. I just live my life as if hes not coming back.
I let this go as I have this soft spot for him and Im so busy I was ok with it for now, Im not in a rush. We have a great time when we are together, we dont fight, hes affectionate/relaxed with me and we have tons in common.
Its now been a year now so Ive finally 'had it'.
This last time the ignore me started I finally said dont contact me again unless he his willing to try and work on himself. My text was caring, positive and kind. Ive always have been kind, caring, positive and nurturing with him as that is who I am. Im a happy go lucky Sag, Im my sun sign for sure. haha.
I told him to look up attachment styles to help himself and stop the insanity. He knows his behavior is odd but I dont think he knows why at all or bothered to see why either. I told him I want nothing but good things for him and feel true love even if its not with me.
Now Im fully aware I allowed him to come back and know the reality of him. His coming back cant just be because I allowed it, there is more to it, why come back to someone you dont want... I guess Im looking for some thoughts on this from other DA's as many of you dont seem to come back.
I could understand a bit more if sex was involved on his come backs but on many of his come backs but we dont because he cuts out before that, Im not just jumping in your bed after you've been gone for a month...
Its been about a week since I said not to contact me again and of course he ignored the text I sent! LOL I think we could actually work if he would work on himself as Im so independent and I dont need validation from him or 'need' him.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 16, 2018 14:59:20 GMT
The DA that keeps coming back might be an FA.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 16, 2018 23:09:36 GMT
The DA that keeps coming back might be an FA. I thought so too but he shows more DA with dismissing my feelings, etc. I can relate more to DA info over FA with his behavior.
This is why his come backs have me perplexed! LOL
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Post by alexandra on Oct 17, 2018 2:46:47 GMT
This is why his come backs have me perplexed! LOL
Have you told him how you feel about the length and frequency of these times he vanishes? Has he told you why it happens or at least what he's doing during those time periods? I once dated a person like this, who would periodically disappear for 7-10 days then resurface as normal. At first I was really angry and thought he was looking for other women during those breaks, or had other women, or something, even though he wasn't a shady guy. I talked to him about it the second time it happened, and he basically explained he's introverted and, being a creative type, when life overwhelmed him he had to shut it out and make art to rebalance. He was literally just sitting at home not speaking to anyone and creating, though he didn't understand why this was his pattern. I decided I was fine with that (his next gf was not). I think he was probably on the DA side. So my point is, what matters most is if you are okay with it, which it doesn't sound like you are? 3-4 weeks is a long time. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2018 5:00:22 GMT
It doesn't seem like FA dynamic to me.
I'd say he's coming back because you're doing everything right.
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Post by ocarina on Oct 17, 2018 12:22:42 GMT
Hello - I am DA/FA/secure ie headging my bets and have a DA partner.
I don't think the why he does it is important - understanding another persons attachment style doesn't impact how the behaviour leaves you feeling. This sounds to me like one of those nearly perfect but not quite situations which makes it difficult to give up on. I get that, I have been there in a very similar place to yours.
Ask yourself if you're fully available - I know with an uber hectic, busy life, need nobody kind of personality, I am not really emotionally available and that's part of the reason I like this kind of distance from a partner. As I have become more aware, the distance has become less attractive.
The disappearance is fine in a casual kind of relationship - but I found over many years, that when I wasn't feeling on top of the world/ uber busy/ when I needed support, this kind of inconsistent behaviour just didn't cut - in the end resentment brewed and I left. He returned full of undying love some time later, but that's another story and a work in progress.
I looked deeply at how it made me feel and why I was making myself unavailable for an all in relationship (I didn't really recognise this in myself at the time but I do now) - it didn't help my self esteem long term and I have absolutely no regrets about doing what you have done, being authentic and honest and admitting that the dynamic wasn't working for me. It led to a very long withdrawal on his side and was really painful for me at the time but ultimately extremely liberating and continues to be.
Of course I can't say if this works for you - but I would not lose your head, as I did, in wondering why he's doing what he's doing and trying to get him to fix things in himself. Ask whether it's ok with you and if it is, that's fine, if not again examine your own attachment to an unavailable significant other. This kind of communication is not "normal" or healthy -a relationship that is functional requires functional communication and two people who are able and willing to work on that together.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 17, 2018 13:51:11 GMT
This is why his come backs have me perplexed! LOL
Have you told him how you feel about the length and frequency of these times he vanishes? Has he told you why it happens or at least what he's doing during those time periods? I once dated a person like this, who would periodically disappear for 7-10 days then resurface as normal. At first I was really angry and thought he was looking for other women during those breaks, or had other women, or something, even though he wasn't a shady guy. I talked to him about it the second time it happened, and he basically explained he's introverted and, being a creative type, when life overwhelmed him he had to shut it out and make art to rebalance. He was literally just sitting at home not speaking to anyone and creating, though he didn't understand why this was his pattern. I decided I was fine with that (his next gf was not). I think he was probably on the DA side. So my point is, what matters most is if you are okay with it, which it doesn't sound like you are? 3-4 weeks is a long time. He wont tell me why, he ignores me and dismisses when I ask. Only thing I got once was I do it to everyone. Im ok with space but not weeks like this and he knows Im not ok with it. Id personally want communication daily, and Im as simple and just send me a kiss emoji to say hi, we dont need to text all day everyday. He knows this too but not something Ive pressured him for at all. he also just knows because I dont text and hound him for attention, Im busy, but Im never too busy to say hello. Hello - I am DA/FA/secure ie headging my bets and have a DA partner. I don't think the why he does it is important - understanding another persons attachment style doesn't impact how the behaviour leaves you feeling. This sounds to me like one of those nearly perfect but not quite situations which makes it difficult to give up on. I get that, I have been there in a very similar place to yours. Ask yourself if you're fully available - I know with an uber hectic, busy life, need nobody kind of personality, I am not really emotionally available and that's part of the reason I like this kind of distance from a partner. As I have become more aware, the distance has become less attractive. The disappearance is fine in a casual kind of relationship - but I found over many years, that when I wasn't feeling on top of the world/ uber busy/ when I needed support, this kind of inconsistent behaviour just didn't cut - in the end resentment brewed and I left. He returned full of undying love some time later, but that's another story and a work in progress. I looked deeply at how it made me feel and why I was making myself unavailable for an all in relationship (I didn't really recognise this in myself at the time but I do now) - it didn't help my self esteem long term and I have absolutely no regrets about doing what you have done, being authentic and honest and admitting that the dynamic wasn't working for me. It led to a very long withdrawal on his side and was really painful for me at the time but ultimately extremely liberating and continues to be. Of course I can't say if this works for you - but I would not lose your head, as I did, in wondering why he's doing what he's doing and trying to get him to fix things in himself. Ask whether it's ok with you and if it is, that's fine, if not again examine your own attachment to an unavailable significant other. This kind of communication is not "normal" or healthy -a relationship that is functional requires functional communication and two people who are able and willing to work on that together. I was this way years ago but Im open now, I did much self reflection on this years back.
I was a serial monogamous FWB dater for at least a decade. I just wasnt ready for all of it. I also think part of it was I just didnt meet one I really wanted to go there with as well.
My last relationship moved fast so I was very ok with us going slow. I dont want to go that fast again because I ended up being smothered. Lessons learned.
Him being gone for weeks and the ignoring me is not ok and he knows it. His last ignore me was the last straw. i 'lost my head' many months ago but over that now knowing this attachment thing, its relived any anxious feelings I had because its not about me. I understand him more now. I never really got angry it made me disappointed and a bit sad.
I just said my piece in that text about trying to help himself, I know I cant help or fix him, only encourage him if he decides he want to get the help he needs. Id be there for him if he was actually Really willing to try, he not a bad guy.
Last time he ran was when I asked if we can move into seeing each other once a week, poof he went for almost two months, he never stayed away that long before so I thought he wasnt coming back... but sure enough he came when I was just getting Really used to him being gone and it was really over...
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 17, 2018 14:16:13 GMT
I hope he went and at least looked up avoidant behavior. One tiny step forward if he did to help understand himself because I just dont think he does.
Hes been in and out on all his relationships, I did get that out of him once! LOL I got that out of him before just before he went poof again.
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 17, 2018 14:17:08 GMT
Double post
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Post by ocarina on Oct 17, 2018 18:12:52 GMT
I would reiterate that it's unusual for a secure person who claims to want consistency and stability and slow growth, to spend so long with someone who has offered anything but and deactivates at the slight whiff of anything feelings related.
The constant busyness rang alarm bells for me also - it's easy to feel that you want a committed and loving relationship, but hanging out over a long period of time with someone clearly unable to provide one - or unwilling or whatever, would seem, in my mind an indicator that maybe you are not as available/ secure as you believe.
Analysing a partner is often the easy way out to avoid actually having to really really delve into the uncomfortable making truth about what triggers us in relationships. We see this on these boards again and again and it played out in my own relationship for a very long time.
If you really feel that it's all about the other person and they are the one with the problem while you're just fine, you are missing out on the lesson that the relationship has to teach you.
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Post by ocarina on Oct 17, 2018 18:35:42 GMT
I don't quite understand this part:
"Its been about a week since I said not to contact me again and of course he ignored the text I sent! LOL I think we could actually work if he would work on himself as Im so independent and I dont need validation from him or 'need' him."
So has he contacted you since you asked him not to?
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 17, 2018 19:04:23 GMT
I don't quite understand this part: "Its been about a week since I said not to contact me again and of course he ignored the text I sent! LOL I think we could actually work if he would work on himself as Im so independent and I dont need validation from him or 'need' him." So has he contacted you since you asked him not to? No he has not. And I understand what you’re saying in your other post. A lot of my busyness is my small business. I’ve learned a ton because of him. I didn’t even know I was a secure till I tested. Nor did I even know about attachment. I have a bit of DA myself too but I recognized my DA side comes out when I’m ready to be done with the relationship. I did some hard thinking back to my behavior in my relationships. I’ve never had any insecurities in my relationships but he sure brought some out! Lol I had good relationships it just was not meant to be with them. It’s not because they were bad, etc. we just didn’t fit anymore. I was not looking when he came in, in general I don’t look as it comes to me so I stay open to it if it comes. I didn’t in the past. I’m more of a leave it to the universe. Divine timing and if it was meant to be it will. The universe sent him for me to learn lessons. People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. He’s a reason. I’ve been thinking Long and hard as to why I have this soft spot for him because I know darn well I can meet someone available... |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 17, 2018 20:00:21 GMT
Oh and thank you to everyone that took the time to reply.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2018 9:17:26 GMT
From what I read you usually don't come back after you start to deactivate and cut out.
Its been about a year of in and out. We have a situation-ship and never got to anything committed.
Im a secure with a bit of DA according to tests. He turned me anxious for a bit as Ive never dealt with a DA before but got over it quickly as now I understand attachment styles and it has nothing to do with me. As secure as I am it threw me for a loop.
He knows Im not looking for a FWB but also knows Im not looking to rush moving it, getting married, etc. He also knows I need my independence like he does. Im good with slow and steady, Im a busy person and a total loner type. I probably have a stronger need for independence than a DA but Im a secure. It would be ideal for me to have that separate house next door like Ive seen talked about here! haha. AP's and I certainly dont mix.
I have not pressured him to commit but have told him how I feel and Im certainly looking for consistency/stability and slow grow. When Ive talked about my feelings I keep that 'low pressure' too, DA or not when it comes to feelings I take the low pressure approach with anyone because feelings can be tricky with many. My feeling talks have been mostly in person and I ask if we can talk about something before I spill.
Comes in chasing hard then fizzles 3 weeks to a month. Gone two weeks to a month and comes back. When he starts the deactivate/dismissive/ignore me I dont chase it I let him be. I just live my life as if hes not coming back.
I let this go as I have this soft spot for him and Im so busy I was ok with it for now, Im not in a rush. We have a great time when we are together, we dont fight, hes affectionate/relaxed with me and we have tons in common.
Its now been a year now so Ive finally 'had it'.
This last time the ignore me started I finally said dont contact me again unless he his willing to try and work on himself. My text was caring, positive and kind. Ive always have been kind, caring, positive and nurturing with him as that is who I am. Im a happy go lucky Sag, Im my sun sign for sure. haha.
I told him to look up attachment styles to help himself and stop the insanity. He knows his behavior is odd but I dont think he knows why at all or bothered to see why either. I told him I want nothing but good things for him and feel true love even if its not with me.
Now Im fully aware I allowed him to come back and know the reality of him. His coming back cant just be because I allowed it, there is more to it, why come back to someone you dont want... I guess Im looking for some thoughts on this from other DA's as many of you dont seem to come back.
I could understand a bit more if sex was involved on his come backs but on many of his come backs but we dont because he cuts out before that, Im not just jumping in your bed after you've been gone for a month...
Its been about a week since I said not to contact me again and of course he ignored the text I sent! LOL I think we could actually work if he would work on himself as Im so independent and I dont need validation from him or 'need' him.
Wow I bloody love this post, this is my aim that I am working on myself to achieve. Thanks for sharing from your secure point of view. How are things with you now, I hope you ar keeping well. Lotsies 😘 |
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Post by blueunif on Oct 19, 2018 23:29:36 GMT
I'm with a DA too and my take on it would be that he actually does want to be with you which is why he keeps returning.
From what I've learnt about DAs, they leave or turn their back as soon as the relationship looks like it is serious, because commitment scares them away. Also with the sex - he won't give you that because that means more commitment. (I'm currently grappling with something similar)
The other bit is that my DA would never take my advice to look up attachment or work on himself. That is part of being a DA!!!! So don't hold your breath.
Thanks for your post, I'm taking inspiration from you to shore up my own confidence when I communicate. I'm good with doing my own thing but I slide a lot.
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