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Post by blueunif on Oct 19, 2018 4:58:35 GMT
Hi - any and every comment / help welcome! My DA partner has had enough of our DA-AP cycle and has now said we are to be friends only and no longer (physical) partners. Of course as an AP I'm wavering between freaking out and trying to fill my own cup. But in our history we've had many bouts of 'almost walking out'.
Is this just another desperate cry for more 'space'? Because often I see it as an attempt to destroy the relationship completely, once & for all, but without taking a direct route (ie not breaking up immediately). Or - is that just my AP jabber just exaggerating? What I'm trying to work out is if they really do want to break up permanently or if this is just another joust for more distance (as we've had in the past). There are kids involved so very messy and maybe that why the break up is being avoided. Like most DAs who aren't aware, they don't know it themselves and can't express very much at all. So here's me the AP trying to figure it all out. |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 19, 2018 6:06:31 GMT
Hi - any and every comment / help welcome! My DA partner has had enough of our DA-AP cycle and has now said we are to be friends only and no longer (physical) partners. Of course as an AP I'm wavering between freaking out and trying to fill my own cup. But in our history we've had many bouts of 'almost walking out'.
Is this just another desperate cry for more 'space'? Because often I see it as an attempt to destroy the relationship completely, once & for all, but without taking a direct route (ie not breaking up immediately). Or - is that just my AP jabber just exaggerating? What I'm trying to work out is if they really do want to break up permanently or if this is just another joust for more distance (as we've had in the past). There are kids involved so very messy and maybe that why the break up is being avoided. Like most DAs who aren't aware, they don't know it themselves and can't express very much at all. So here's me the AP trying to figure it all out. Hello and welcome! I'm so sorry, this is a very hard place to be  My partner has never asked me this but we've had broke up in the past and my partner had told me it was a mistake as he still wanted to be with me, but yes, wanted space and was fearful of intimacy. Maybe it's something similar going on but your partner decided to be friends as you shared a lot of years together and have kids. I don't think being his friend will help but maybe a DA can chime in to help you more. I still have some difficulties while dealing with these details, so I don't feel confident enough to give feedback about this, much more if there's family involved. HAs he told you anything about why does he want to end the physical relationship with you? |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2018 10:14:35 GMT
Hi - any and every comment / help welcome! My DA partner has had enough of our DA-AP cycle and has now said we are to be friends only and no longer (physical) partners. Of course as an AP I'm wavering between freaking out and trying to fill my own cup. But in our history we've had many bouts of 'almost walking out'.
Is this just another desperate cry for more 'space'? Because often I see it as an attempt to destroy the relationship completely, once & for all, but without taking a direct route (ie not breaking up immediately). Or - is that just my AP jabber just exaggerating? What I'm trying to work out is if they really do want to break up permanently or if this is just another joust for more distance (as we've had in the past). There are kids involved so very messy and maybe that why the break up is being avoided. Like most DAs who aren't aware, they don't know it themselves and can't express very much at all. So here's me the AP trying to figure it all out. Bless you my fellow AP. You have come to the right place, this forum will help you in ways you would never have expected when you arrive hear. Scared, confused and desperate...well I was anyway. Please read thru lots of different threads. Juniper writes amazingly from the heart of a recovering DA to secure. My partner is FA and we are only beginning this journey together. He left me once every month for the first 6 mths. I was besides myself, it was my first encounter with an avoidant and I was in early mourning still from the loss of my husband of almost 28 yrs. Unexpectedly I have learnt more about the parts my AP has played out in relationships, " my husband was an functioning alcoholic throughout most of the marriage until he got into recovery, then unfortunately in his new found early recovery was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my heart broke, and life sure sucks sometimes ". What I have learnt about myself thru the love and support of all people with different attachments has changed my whole life for the better. More so than any off the therapy I have had over the years. I now understand why I put up with, and also the carnage I can bring into a relationship. I had a bit of a victim mentality if true be told. Not so anymore. I have taken responsibility and taken action. I really don't have enough perspective to comment on your situation. But wanted to offer you a warm welcome, a loving cyber hug and hope that from others contributions so comfort and peace. Blessings to you X |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2018 13:07:18 GMT
Hi - any and every comment / help welcome! My DA partner has had enough of our DA-AP cycle and has now said we are to be friends only and no longer (physical) partners. Of course as an AP I'm wavering between freaking out and trying to fill my own cup. But in our history we've had many bouts of 'almost walking out'.
Is this just another desperate cry for more 'space'? Because often I see it as an attempt to destroy the relationship completely, once & for all, but without taking a direct route (ie not breaking up immediately). Or - is that just my AP jabber just exaggerating? What I'm trying to work out is if they really do want to break up permanently or if this is just another joust for more distance (as we've had in the past). There are kids involved so very messy and maybe that why the break up is being avoided. Like most DAs who aren't aware, they don't know it themselves and can't express very much at all. So here's me the AP trying to figure it all out. This is a little confusing. It seems that he has or is breaking up with you if he wants to be friends only? In my experience, enough mini break ups or "almost walk outs" will eventually end up in a permanent break up. |
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Post by blueunif on Oct 19, 2018 22:53:23 GMT
Thank you everyone for replying. I can see it's hard to write clearly when so much is going on - seems to be true for all of us! So the background is: We've been in the AP-DA vicious cycle for years (me anxiously trying to fix us and the more I do, the more he distances, so try even more...) This cycle has peaked a few times resulting in him threatening to break up. I've recently come to realise my responsibilities: that up till now I've hurt him so much (my anxious & manipulative behaviour), I've driven him to it HelsbellsPresently I'm dealing with a new threat (him witholding intimacy explicitly) My question was: is this really a new threat to end the relationship once and for all, or just a repeat of the same pattern? If any DAs could offer their take please? I'm trying to understand what he's REALLY asking for / needing bc, in true DA fashion, he can't put it into words. I'm going to paste this same post into the AP thread too now, so it will continue there if you can check in on me there please. Thanks all |
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 20, 2018 0:42:18 GMT
Tough call because some people really are okay with a partnership that is like a close friendship without the physical aspect, including one that may involve living together and parenting together. That may be enough for your partner indefinitely in which case you have to decide if it's enough for you. (And then there are other options too, like maintaining the marriage and you date who you want on the side, and they either do or don't date someone else on the side, etc. If both people consent to that arrangement.)
The question is, is that really what they want-- to stay together and marriage and living together and coparenting but without a physical relationship-- or do they really want more of a long slide into permission for them to disassociate further from your marriage-- like they want more of a dissolution but aren't ready to admit it?
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Post by blueunif on Oct 21, 2018 0:10:24 GMT
Tough call because some people really are okay with a partnership that is like a close friendship without the physical aspect, including one that may involve living together and parenting together. That may be enough for your partner indefinitely in which case you have to decide if it's enough for you. (And then there are other options too, like maintaining the marriage and you date who you want on the side, and they either do or don't date someone else on the side, etc. If both people consent to that arrangement.) The question is, is that really what they want-- to stay together and marriage and living together and coparenting but without a physical relationship-- or do they really want more of a long slide into permission for them to disassociate further from your marriage-- like they want more of a dissolution but aren't ready to admit it?
I am guessing that they THINK they're ok with (your description of) living/ parenting together, as it was their suggestion and the only solution they see fit.
For the moment, I am going along with it, but emotionally it hurts like hell bc we are so sexually compatible and we were lucky to have it so good - it got destroyed by the emotional side which is why they want out of it. So I've taken it personally, and all I am hearing from this is "I don't care about you and our love life is finished".
Because of all the pluses we did have, I find it hard to believe that they really do honestly want this, but they are so cut up emotionally that they can't deal with it any other way than to cut that bit out of their life.
You have re-worded my question spot on...this is why I asked it at the DA board, to try and gauge what a DA taking this path is really trying to say.
I guess time will tell and till then I have to manage my anxiety.
Thanks again for helping me reflect.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2018 2:53:15 GMT
Thank you everyone for replying. I can see it's hard to write clearly when so much is going on - seems to be true for all of us! So the background is: We've been in the AP-DA vicious cycle for years (me anxiously trying to fix us and the more I do, the more he distances, so try even more...) This cycle has peaked a few times resulting in him threatening to break up. I've recently come to realise my responsibilities: that up till now I've hurt him so much (my anxious & manipulative behaviour), I've driven him to it Helsbells Presently I'm dealing with a new threat (him witholding intimacy explicitly) My question was: is this really a new threat to end the relationship once and for all, or just a repeat of the same pattern? If any DAs could offer their take please? I'm trying to understand what he's REALLY asking for / needing bc, in true DA fashion, he can't put it into words. I'm going to paste this same post into the AP thread too now, so it will continue there if you can check in on me there please. Thanks all Please take this with a grain of salt as I don't knw your situation. I am going on very limited information. I am DA and the lack of wanting sex is a symptom of the hurt (an extension). He may want the hurt to go away and part of the route is to close up, mentally and physically. It's "safer" that way. The only way I can see my way back is if I start to feel it's safe again. If every time someone comes knocking on your door and you throw the door open to them and you see a bomb. You do that enough times, next time you open the door more cautiously yet the bomb is still there. Next time, you crack the door open, yep, the bomb is still there. Next time there is a knock, you keep the door closed. |
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