Post by callisto on Oct 23, 2018 23:47:56 GMT
This is probably going to be long but it's very complicated and I could use some guidance and insight. This overall just sucks but the fact we all work together makes it more complicated. We all work in a hospital, he and I are both providers of some type and his new woman is a nurse in the float pool so she can be anywhere.
So, just so you know where I'm coming from, I'm between secure and anxious, mostly. I had some stuff happen to me about 2 years ago that put me more to the anxious side. My mom is kinda a narc and I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore, and she told me the last thing she wanted me to know is that I have a half brother she gave up for adoption in high school and it was a closed adoption and we can't find him... she waited until I was 26 to tell me that, but she told my 21 year old sister about it first, and gave me a million excuses why she didn't tell me, but encouraged me to do 23andme and he could have found me.... but anyway, about two weeks after that one of my "friends" took lsd and tried to rape me. Two weeks after that, I had a reaction from my IBS medication (linzess) and fainted in my bathroom, burning my hand on my heater in my bathroom. I had a 3rd degree burn, was off work on FMLA for a month (can't work in a hospital with an open wound on your hand), basically just sat in the apartment I got hurt in alone and developed PTSD pretty quickly. One of my doctors put me on Xanax, which I should have refused, but I was pretty messed up at the time. I put all my energy into studying for a certification exam while I was off work and went to a conference. It was the only thing keeping me afloat. I passed my test with flying colors, but they denied me a raise for BS reasons. That killed me. Anyway, about this time is when my ex went after me. This was at the end of April 2017.
So, his wife left him in May 2016. She cheated on him and did all kinds of crazy stuff. He's in the army, his parents are kinda crazy. It's difficult for me to tell if he's truly avoidant or has just been hurt by his divorce. Sometimes I think he is dismissive, sometimes fearful, maybe in between? His first ex wife was an alcoholic and his second is a narc, I think. He has 3 little girls to his second wife. She got pregnant their first time having sex. He was paranoid I was tricking him into having a baby so 2 months in I got an iud and had him come with me to watch them put it in.
Anyway, so we got together and things were great at first. Told me I might be "the one," he was so sweet and understanding of all of my shit. He compared it to being in the army and being in a warzone, he said he understood how I felt. He made me feel safe for the first time in a very long time. That lasted about 3-4 months. I met his kids in that time, they LOVE me. Things started to go downhill a bit. He had been going through custody stuff and he was broke basically, he's still in the army and could get deployed, he had lots of dad guilt. Add on to that, his crazy parents were living with him when we first got together to "help" but really they just made him more stressed. Their house up in Maine doesn't have working plumbing so they just stayed with him for almost a year... the only time I met his family in Maine was when we went up there to BUY THEM A HOUSE. I was SO STRESSED. I fought with him so much that he couldn't possibly afford to buy his parents a house as he was already so financially strapped. That was an awful way for me to meet his family. I got drunk the one night, it was awful. That was very out of character for me. I finally convinced him not to buy the house, which in hindsight THANK GOD! He now has to sell HIS house because he can't afford the mortgage due to his child support payment. Also at the beginning of our relationship he would vent to me nonstop about his ex wife and cheating and how could she do this and that. Eventually, I bought him some books on amazon because I thought she was a narc like my mom, told him to get a therapist, and said all the emotional energy he is using on her, he should really be using on me. She became an everyday topic. That became a sore spot for the rest of our relationship. He would start to vent about his ex wife and then stop himself and be snarky towards me, saying "sorry, I know I can't talk about that" or something like that. I stopped him many times and said he can talk to me about whatever he likes, but there's a difference between occasional venting and therapy. I'm not a therapist. He continued to poke at me with this, though, even though I haven't been bothered by it in almost a year. He did go to a therapist at first but then she moved away. I think he just bitched to her. He said that she said I was expecting too much of him. He went for like maybe 3 months. I asked him to go back many times over the past 6-12 months and he would not.
In the back of all this, I had been going to therapy, I started when things with him got weird. I started seeing someone who's a stepmom so she would understand how I feel. It was a big adjustment dating someone with kids. I also started tapering myself off my benzos, so keep in mind I was literally in a chemically heightened state of anxiety for the first year of our relationship which was fairly outside of my control. I took my last in February. My ex was supportive at first, but over time made digs about me being an addict. I think I triggered him because of his first ex wife. It is so incredibly difficult to describe what it feels like to will yourself to be in a state of anxiety by tapering off anxiety medications, but I did it, and it would have been nice for him to acknowledge how difficult that really was for me and really mean it.
He had primary custody of his kids for the first year of our relationship then it switched to 50/50 in April. Before the switch, I would plans weekends away for us because I like to travel. He couldn't afford to pay me back. I planned things he liked, like going to hockey games, Marilyn Manson concerts. I mostly just like travel and food and I hadn't done some of those things so that was fun for me. I think it made him feel guilty though, but he never did anything but work, take care of his kids and clean his house and I like to travel so we did it. I never, ever made him feel guilty about me paying for these things, I always offered and he was free to decline. We also went to DC once a month for his army drill. THAT was awesome, I loved it. He was getting a hotel anyway so he asked me to join him for company and I would explore the city while he was working and we would meet at night for dinner.
In the beginning we talked about having kids. He's 39, I'm 28. He always wanted a son. We talked about doing it with IVF. He seemed into the idea at first. He's in the army and I expressed that I was willing to move wherever with him. At one point he got worried about being deployed, and I told him we could get married and as a stepparent I might be able to take over his custody as he didn't want his ex wife to have the kids. I made dinner with his kids, went to their sports things, read to them, tucked them in at night. As our relationship progressed, he got wishywashy about everything. He would make little comments about not being able to give me what I want. He'd say that he was looking for something better or implied that I wasn't good enough. At first, some of his reasons were valid. We did have a few fights/breakups. I think the adjustment to dating someone with kids was anxiety-provoking for me at first and made me a little insecure, but overtime, I was honestly very much adjusted and ready for it. And his reasons for us not working became pettier and pettier, down to the fact I don't really like fish, even though he bought me a fishing pole for my birthday last year after he taught me to fish, I expressed that I wanted to try to eat more fish and I wish I liked fish but my parents just never made fish when I was a kid. The fact I was trying, in anything, was really never good enough, which I don't understand because I feel like he didn't try. One of the only things that makes me feel better from all of this is knowing that I DID try. How does he deal with that?
Anyway, we had a breakup in March that stuck for a bit. That was a real breakup. He told the kids we were broken up. He acted like we weren't, though. I was actually surprised by what he told the kids, he told them he wasn't ready to settle down and get married basically and it wasn't fair to me. I didn't really think they needed to hear all that as they're young but whatever... We had our first "family" outing in April and I watched his kids in DC while he was doing army drill. First time I slept over in a house with them, did him a huge favor. That ended up getting overshadowed by the fact he failed his PT test by like 3 seconds on his mile time. The next time I asked to go away for army drill, which was always a positive thing, he said no because he was supposed to get promoted and he didn't want to "blame me" if he didn't get it, like he "blamed me" for failing his PT test because I "made him" let me watch the kids instead of giving them to his "monster" ex wife and the situation was not usual and caused him stress. So, no thank you for watching 3 little kids in DC for a weekend....... Also in April I went on a cruise with a friend. He got very triggered thinking that I would cheat on him on the cruise. He interrogated me after I got back, pretty much and had been upset beforehand. He was also jealous of 2 guys I had mentioned before from work even though literally nothing had ever gone on or ever would, ew.
I went to one of his kids' birthdays the weekend after I watched his kids in DC. While we were there, one of the parents said something about how it was a shame it rained and my ex cancelled the bonfire last night. I kept my mouth shut at the time as it was his daughters' birthday, but the next day I sent him a text that I was very upset. Bonfires are like my favorite thing and he knows that, and he apparently was going to have one without inviting me and I had just done him a HUGE FAVOR without so much as a thank you. He blew up on me and told me that if he had wanted me to be there he would have invited me and we were broken broken up at this point. I didn't see the kids anymore. We kinda slowly started having sex and hanging out again, but it was just weird. At one point I kinda laid it out there of what I wanted and he was still being wishywashy, it was mostly about how if he doesn't want to have a kid with me then I'm leaving. He cited minor things I had done to break his trust as the reason for his hesitance and said he was arguing with his "rational self and his fantasy life" or something along those lines. We kept up being together but not really being together. He said he didn't want to be with me but acted like he did, and like always, I figured I'd just give him time because he had a lot of shit going on.
Randomly, one day, something switched in him. This was in early August. He paid for a movie for me. He hadn't bought me anything in forever. I said something the week before about how he always tells me how much money he spends on frivolous things for the kids and it makes me feel like crap that he tells me that but won't pay for anything, not that I expect or need him to, but that he just shouldn't tell me that information if he can't contribute. I was shocked. He invited me over to see the kids for the first time in 3 months, we had dinner and hung out and I tucked them in. Then like a week later he called me. That was a big deal. That he called me. He was stressed and said he wanted a distraction. After venting, he said "I don't know what you get out of this." He said he wanted me to come over so I went over to spend the night. I tried to initiate sex and he ended up not being able to get it up and he blew up about it. Turns out his stressor was he had been talking to his lawyer about what he'll owe in child support. He has dick issues when he gets stressed and it always ruins EVERYTHING. I never, EVER get mad but he gets so upset with himself that it just kills any good mood at all. I understand he is stressed, but he didn't really communicate that well to me at all. We had a HUGE BLOW UP. Things never really recovered after this. We hung out a few more times, but he was being very critical of me. He would tell me he doesn't have time to do xyz thing, but he wouldn't tell me that until in the moment, he never told me his schedule ahead of time or made boundaries but then was mad at me after the fact for "distracting" him or getting him off task. Sometimes he'd be glad I distracted him and got him out of his head, but when it suited him he'd get mad at me about it. I tried to patch things up, didn't work. He was just so angry. At one point I offered to help him watch the kids for something and he yelled at me that he didn't want to "owe me anything." I was kind of shocked/upset and asked him if I made him feel this way. He was very defensive, and he said it was his issue.
About two weeks went by and we were tentatively going to hang out over labor day weekend. I planned a fishing trip to lake erie because he wants to catch a walleye. But then I think he didn't want to leave town, so I planned things in town. Then he texted me the friday before labor day and told me he had to take call that weekend and cancelled his plans with me. Something just went off in me, I texted him that I couldn't do casual with him anymore and he had to stop being so wishywashy. He asked me if I was at home but I was out at a bar with friends at the time. I assumed he wanted to talk, so when I was done I went over to his place. He was mad that I did that... he said it wasn't a big deal what he wanted to tell me. But he basically said he wanted to break up. He got upset and didn't want to talk. So I said I'll leave, grabbed my purse and put my hand on the knob and he said "wait." And he dumped a million feelings onto me, basically that he is confused, that I'm great but there might be better for him out there. He feels guilty. blah blah blah. He said he wants to be friends because I'm awesome and we have fun together. Then he asked me how I'd do if he found someone else. And used that to segue into that he flirted with someone at his kids' school the day before and he added her on facebook that day. When he first mentioned her to me, he said "I'm trying to figure out if she's crazy, though." WOW! That was just an awful night. I sent him an angry text at some point that weekend. He called me on Monday to tell me he went out on a date with that woman. He said he wanted me to hear it from him since we all work at the same hospital.
Anyway, I was upset for a bit and texted him for a while, mostly I was angry that he finally switched to being more proactive and putting in effort and it was confusing to me, but he vehemently denied doing so, but I finally went no contact for 3 weeks. I ended up texting him 2-3 weeks ago just a funny joke that was on our work facebook page. We ended up just casually chatting for a few days. My birthday was a few days later and he sent me a funny video for my birthday. The day after that he had custody court. I took the day off when we were still together to be supportive. I texted him that I was thinking of him that day because I still had off and I hope he had a great day etc. He replied later that night and just went off on me, that he didn't want to talk to me because of his new girlfriend, that he's finding happy, he doesn't want to hurt her and he'd be hurt if she was talking to exes. He said he didn't want to be friends "right now" and that all I bring to the table is the opportunity to fuck up his life. Left him alone for a few days. Texted him something related to army stuff as I know someone in a local unit (closer than his in DC) who said he might be able to help him transfer and it would probably help alleviate some of his stress. I also just sent him a minor snapchat of a local band covering one of his favorite bands. I was just being friendly. Again, he went off on me that that guy doesn't know what he's talking about and brought about 1000 other things into the discussion. He said I was violating his boundaries by texting him but was also bringing up 1000 other points so it was kind of a bitch move if he didn't want me to reply. I kinda left it alone, then a few days later I sent him a text that I had been nothing but friendly and supportive towards him and I didn't deserve the way he was treating me, why did he say he wanted to be friends if he had no intention of acting on it. He never replied.
A few days later his ex wife texted me freaking out because his new girlfriend had met their kids, after 6 weeks, and he met her 2 sons. He also accidentally texted his ex wife a text meant for his gf. It was a HUGE LONG ranty text, and at the end it said "I'll be getting a therapist soon so I won't need to vent to you so much." So, I let that stew for a bit and I texted my ex to ask if he cheated on me because 6 weeks was incredibly fast for her to meet the kids. Apparently they are still very upset and miss me. He didn't reply. I sent him a longer reply and basically said I didn't know who he was anymore, I unfriended him on facebook, I asked if he was pretending the whole time we were together, that if I had treated him the way he treated me he would have lost his mind because of how he acted after my cruise. I called him a hypocrite. again, didn't reply.
Today, I was feeling empathetic and I had been at a conference the past few days and I was anxious about coming back to work with the way things were left with him. I don't see him there that often but it might be awkward. I sent him an email and said I forgive him for the way he treated me, that I understand, if I see him at work I'll be friendly, that actually I do know who he is because that actually has been very consistent, if it wasn't something in his life that kept him from being fully intimate with me then it was something he made up in his own mind about me. I think the grass is greener where you water it. I said I learned a lot in our relationship about myself and he was an important part of my life and I am thankful. I told him if he wants to reach out to me in the future I'll be here but it won't be the same because he severely broke my trust. I told him I'm casually dating other people but working on myself as well as I know I need to bring my best self to my relationships and I didn't with him. I don't even know if he'll read my email tbh.
I know some things about the other woman from work. She has been engaged at least 4 times and married at least once, she has 2 kids to 2 dads. She let her ex fiance move in last year after 2 months, they were engaged at 4, and he broke up with her at 8 because she told him to "man up" about him being upset about his mom dying. I know her ex fiance from work, he says she is crazy, keeps secrets, plays games, goes way too fast in relationships and burns through men very quickly. He met like 10 of her exes in the time they were together.
I feel like their relationship is going to burn out as she is really not his type. I am very conflicted about how I feel about him. Some of my hurt is definitely attachment related but I do genuinely miss him as a person as well, as well as his kids and that sucks. Does anyone have any guidance or ideas how this will play out? Does he even give a crap that he treated me this way? I've never really not contacted him for more than a month so I don't really know what's going to happen. Is there anything I can do at this point other than honor his request for space and smile if I see him at work? He doesn't have any friends, I am really the only person he was close to and I feel very replaced. I don't get it. I was here for him through 16 months of stress-filled, court-laden nonsense and as soon as it's all resolving and our relationship could actually go somewhere, he bailed to the first warm body available.
I keep remembering random little things and adding to this post, or just adding them to my checklist in my head. Like, he told me he only did oral with 3 girls, 2 of them were his ex wives, and he was really excited to do that with me at first. He said it was really intimate for him and he loved it. And I remember him doing it a handful of times, then it got to the point that I had to ask for it. We had sex like every time we saw each other, but it was very him-oriented, not me, but it's still confusing. He also constantly blamed me for having heartburn.
So, just so you know where I'm coming from, I'm between secure and anxious, mostly. I had some stuff happen to me about 2 years ago that put me more to the anxious side. My mom is kinda a narc and I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore, and she told me the last thing she wanted me to know is that I have a half brother she gave up for adoption in high school and it was a closed adoption and we can't find him... she waited until I was 26 to tell me that, but she told my 21 year old sister about it first, and gave me a million excuses why she didn't tell me, but encouraged me to do 23andme and he could have found me.... but anyway, about two weeks after that one of my "friends" took lsd and tried to rape me. Two weeks after that, I had a reaction from my IBS medication (linzess) and fainted in my bathroom, burning my hand on my heater in my bathroom. I had a 3rd degree burn, was off work on FMLA for a month (can't work in a hospital with an open wound on your hand), basically just sat in the apartment I got hurt in alone and developed PTSD pretty quickly. One of my doctors put me on Xanax, which I should have refused, but I was pretty messed up at the time. I put all my energy into studying for a certification exam while I was off work and went to a conference. It was the only thing keeping me afloat. I passed my test with flying colors, but they denied me a raise for BS reasons. That killed me. Anyway, about this time is when my ex went after me. This was at the end of April 2017.
So, his wife left him in May 2016. She cheated on him and did all kinds of crazy stuff. He's in the army, his parents are kinda crazy. It's difficult for me to tell if he's truly avoidant or has just been hurt by his divorce. Sometimes I think he is dismissive, sometimes fearful, maybe in between? His first ex wife was an alcoholic and his second is a narc, I think. He has 3 little girls to his second wife. She got pregnant their first time having sex. He was paranoid I was tricking him into having a baby so 2 months in I got an iud and had him come with me to watch them put it in.
Anyway, so we got together and things were great at first. Told me I might be "the one," he was so sweet and understanding of all of my shit. He compared it to being in the army and being in a warzone, he said he understood how I felt. He made me feel safe for the first time in a very long time. That lasted about 3-4 months. I met his kids in that time, they LOVE me. Things started to go downhill a bit. He had been going through custody stuff and he was broke basically, he's still in the army and could get deployed, he had lots of dad guilt. Add on to that, his crazy parents were living with him when we first got together to "help" but really they just made him more stressed. Their house up in Maine doesn't have working plumbing so they just stayed with him for almost a year... the only time I met his family in Maine was when we went up there to BUY THEM A HOUSE. I was SO STRESSED. I fought with him so much that he couldn't possibly afford to buy his parents a house as he was already so financially strapped. That was an awful way for me to meet his family. I got drunk the one night, it was awful. That was very out of character for me. I finally convinced him not to buy the house, which in hindsight THANK GOD! He now has to sell HIS house because he can't afford the mortgage due to his child support payment. Also at the beginning of our relationship he would vent to me nonstop about his ex wife and cheating and how could she do this and that. Eventually, I bought him some books on amazon because I thought she was a narc like my mom, told him to get a therapist, and said all the emotional energy he is using on her, he should really be using on me. She became an everyday topic. That became a sore spot for the rest of our relationship. He would start to vent about his ex wife and then stop himself and be snarky towards me, saying "sorry, I know I can't talk about that" or something like that. I stopped him many times and said he can talk to me about whatever he likes, but there's a difference between occasional venting and therapy. I'm not a therapist. He continued to poke at me with this, though, even though I haven't been bothered by it in almost a year. He did go to a therapist at first but then she moved away. I think he just bitched to her. He said that she said I was expecting too much of him. He went for like maybe 3 months. I asked him to go back many times over the past 6-12 months and he would not.
In the back of all this, I had been going to therapy, I started when things with him got weird. I started seeing someone who's a stepmom so she would understand how I feel. It was a big adjustment dating someone with kids. I also started tapering myself off my benzos, so keep in mind I was literally in a chemically heightened state of anxiety for the first year of our relationship which was fairly outside of my control. I took my last in February. My ex was supportive at first, but over time made digs about me being an addict. I think I triggered him because of his first ex wife. It is so incredibly difficult to describe what it feels like to will yourself to be in a state of anxiety by tapering off anxiety medications, but I did it, and it would have been nice for him to acknowledge how difficult that really was for me and really mean it.
He had primary custody of his kids for the first year of our relationship then it switched to 50/50 in April. Before the switch, I would plans weekends away for us because I like to travel. He couldn't afford to pay me back. I planned things he liked, like going to hockey games, Marilyn Manson concerts. I mostly just like travel and food and I hadn't done some of those things so that was fun for me. I think it made him feel guilty though, but he never did anything but work, take care of his kids and clean his house and I like to travel so we did it. I never, ever made him feel guilty about me paying for these things, I always offered and he was free to decline. We also went to DC once a month for his army drill. THAT was awesome, I loved it. He was getting a hotel anyway so he asked me to join him for company and I would explore the city while he was working and we would meet at night for dinner.
In the beginning we talked about having kids. He's 39, I'm 28. He always wanted a son. We talked about doing it with IVF. He seemed into the idea at first. He's in the army and I expressed that I was willing to move wherever with him. At one point he got worried about being deployed, and I told him we could get married and as a stepparent I might be able to take over his custody as he didn't want his ex wife to have the kids. I made dinner with his kids, went to their sports things, read to them, tucked them in at night. As our relationship progressed, he got wishywashy about everything. He would make little comments about not being able to give me what I want. He'd say that he was looking for something better or implied that I wasn't good enough. At first, some of his reasons were valid. We did have a few fights/breakups. I think the adjustment to dating someone with kids was anxiety-provoking for me at first and made me a little insecure, but overtime, I was honestly very much adjusted and ready for it. And his reasons for us not working became pettier and pettier, down to the fact I don't really like fish, even though he bought me a fishing pole for my birthday last year after he taught me to fish, I expressed that I wanted to try to eat more fish and I wish I liked fish but my parents just never made fish when I was a kid. The fact I was trying, in anything, was really never good enough, which I don't understand because I feel like he didn't try. One of the only things that makes me feel better from all of this is knowing that I DID try. How does he deal with that?
Anyway, we had a breakup in March that stuck for a bit. That was a real breakup. He told the kids we were broken up. He acted like we weren't, though. I was actually surprised by what he told the kids, he told them he wasn't ready to settle down and get married basically and it wasn't fair to me. I didn't really think they needed to hear all that as they're young but whatever... We had our first "family" outing in April and I watched his kids in DC while he was doing army drill. First time I slept over in a house with them, did him a huge favor. That ended up getting overshadowed by the fact he failed his PT test by like 3 seconds on his mile time. The next time I asked to go away for army drill, which was always a positive thing, he said no because he was supposed to get promoted and he didn't want to "blame me" if he didn't get it, like he "blamed me" for failing his PT test because I "made him" let me watch the kids instead of giving them to his "monster" ex wife and the situation was not usual and caused him stress. So, no thank you for watching 3 little kids in DC for a weekend....... Also in April I went on a cruise with a friend. He got very triggered thinking that I would cheat on him on the cruise. He interrogated me after I got back, pretty much and had been upset beforehand. He was also jealous of 2 guys I had mentioned before from work even though literally nothing had ever gone on or ever would, ew.
I went to one of his kids' birthdays the weekend after I watched his kids in DC. While we were there, one of the parents said something about how it was a shame it rained and my ex cancelled the bonfire last night. I kept my mouth shut at the time as it was his daughters' birthday, but the next day I sent him a text that I was very upset. Bonfires are like my favorite thing and he knows that, and he apparently was going to have one without inviting me and I had just done him a HUGE FAVOR without so much as a thank you. He blew up on me and told me that if he had wanted me to be there he would have invited me and we were broken broken up at this point. I didn't see the kids anymore. We kinda slowly started having sex and hanging out again, but it was just weird. At one point I kinda laid it out there of what I wanted and he was still being wishywashy, it was mostly about how if he doesn't want to have a kid with me then I'm leaving. He cited minor things I had done to break his trust as the reason for his hesitance and said he was arguing with his "rational self and his fantasy life" or something along those lines. We kept up being together but not really being together. He said he didn't want to be with me but acted like he did, and like always, I figured I'd just give him time because he had a lot of shit going on.
Randomly, one day, something switched in him. This was in early August. He paid for a movie for me. He hadn't bought me anything in forever. I said something the week before about how he always tells me how much money he spends on frivolous things for the kids and it makes me feel like crap that he tells me that but won't pay for anything, not that I expect or need him to, but that he just shouldn't tell me that information if he can't contribute. I was shocked. He invited me over to see the kids for the first time in 3 months, we had dinner and hung out and I tucked them in. Then like a week later he called me. That was a big deal. That he called me. He was stressed and said he wanted a distraction. After venting, he said "I don't know what you get out of this." He said he wanted me to come over so I went over to spend the night. I tried to initiate sex and he ended up not being able to get it up and he blew up about it. Turns out his stressor was he had been talking to his lawyer about what he'll owe in child support. He has dick issues when he gets stressed and it always ruins EVERYTHING. I never, EVER get mad but he gets so upset with himself that it just kills any good mood at all. I understand he is stressed, but he didn't really communicate that well to me at all. We had a HUGE BLOW UP. Things never really recovered after this. We hung out a few more times, but he was being very critical of me. He would tell me he doesn't have time to do xyz thing, but he wouldn't tell me that until in the moment, he never told me his schedule ahead of time or made boundaries but then was mad at me after the fact for "distracting" him or getting him off task. Sometimes he'd be glad I distracted him and got him out of his head, but when it suited him he'd get mad at me about it. I tried to patch things up, didn't work. He was just so angry. At one point I offered to help him watch the kids for something and he yelled at me that he didn't want to "owe me anything." I was kind of shocked/upset and asked him if I made him feel this way. He was very defensive, and he said it was his issue.
About two weeks went by and we were tentatively going to hang out over labor day weekend. I planned a fishing trip to lake erie because he wants to catch a walleye. But then I think he didn't want to leave town, so I planned things in town. Then he texted me the friday before labor day and told me he had to take call that weekend and cancelled his plans with me. Something just went off in me, I texted him that I couldn't do casual with him anymore and he had to stop being so wishywashy. He asked me if I was at home but I was out at a bar with friends at the time. I assumed he wanted to talk, so when I was done I went over to his place. He was mad that I did that... he said it wasn't a big deal what he wanted to tell me. But he basically said he wanted to break up. He got upset and didn't want to talk. So I said I'll leave, grabbed my purse and put my hand on the knob and he said "wait." And he dumped a million feelings onto me, basically that he is confused, that I'm great but there might be better for him out there. He feels guilty. blah blah blah. He said he wants to be friends because I'm awesome and we have fun together. Then he asked me how I'd do if he found someone else. And used that to segue into that he flirted with someone at his kids' school the day before and he added her on facebook that day. When he first mentioned her to me, he said "I'm trying to figure out if she's crazy, though." WOW! That was just an awful night. I sent him an angry text at some point that weekend. He called me on Monday to tell me he went out on a date with that woman. He said he wanted me to hear it from him since we all work at the same hospital.
Anyway, I was upset for a bit and texted him for a while, mostly I was angry that he finally switched to being more proactive and putting in effort and it was confusing to me, but he vehemently denied doing so, but I finally went no contact for 3 weeks. I ended up texting him 2-3 weeks ago just a funny joke that was on our work facebook page. We ended up just casually chatting for a few days. My birthday was a few days later and he sent me a funny video for my birthday. The day after that he had custody court. I took the day off when we were still together to be supportive. I texted him that I was thinking of him that day because I still had off and I hope he had a great day etc. He replied later that night and just went off on me, that he didn't want to talk to me because of his new girlfriend, that he's finding happy, he doesn't want to hurt her and he'd be hurt if she was talking to exes. He said he didn't want to be friends "right now" and that all I bring to the table is the opportunity to fuck up his life. Left him alone for a few days. Texted him something related to army stuff as I know someone in a local unit (closer than his in DC) who said he might be able to help him transfer and it would probably help alleviate some of his stress. I also just sent him a minor snapchat of a local band covering one of his favorite bands. I was just being friendly. Again, he went off on me that that guy doesn't know what he's talking about and brought about 1000 other things into the discussion. He said I was violating his boundaries by texting him but was also bringing up 1000 other points so it was kind of a bitch move if he didn't want me to reply. I kinda left it alone, then a few days later I sent him a text that I had been nothing but friendly and supportive towards him and I didn't deserve the way he was treating me, why did he say he wanted to be friends if he had no intention of acting on it. He never replied.
A few days later his ex wife texted me freaking out because his new girlfriend had met their kids, after 6 weeks, and he met her 2 sons. He also accidentally texted his ex wife a text meant for his gf. It was a HUGE LONG ranty text, and at the end it said "I'll be getting a therapist soon so I won't need to vent to you so much." So, I let that stew for a bit and I texted my ex to ask if he cheated on me because 6 weeks was incredibly fast for her to meet the kids. Apparently they are still very upset and miss me. He didn't reply. I sent him a longer reply and basically said I didn't know who he was anymore, I unfriended him on facebook, I asked if he was pretending the whole time we were together, that if I had treated him the way he treated me he would have lost his mind because of how he acted after my cruise. I called him a hypocrite. again, didn't reply.
Today, I was feeling empathetic and I had been at a conference the past few days and I was anxious about coming back to work with the way things were left with him. I don't see him there that often but it might be awkward. I sent him an email and said I forgive him for the way he treated me, that I understand, if I see him at work I'll be friendly, that actually I do know who he is because that actually has been very consistent, if it wasn't something in his life that kept him from being fully intimate with me then it was something he made up in his own mind about me. I think the grass is greener where you water it. I said I learned a lot in our relationship about myself and he was an important part of my life and I am thankful. I told him if he wants to reach out to me in the future I'll be here but it won't be the same because he severely broke my trust. I told him I'm casually dating other people but working on myself as well as I know I need to bring my best self to my relationships and I didn't with him. I don't even know if he'll read my email tbh.
I know some things about the other woman from work. She has been engaged at least 4 times and married at least once, she has 2 kids to 2 dads. She let her ex fiance move in last year after 2 months, they were engaged at 4, and he broke up with her at 8 because she told him to "man up" about him being upset about his mom dying. I know her ex fiance from work, he says she is crazy, keeps secrets, plays games, goes way too fast in relationships and burns through men very quickly. He met like 10 of her exes in the time they were together.
I feel like their relationship is going to burn out as she is really not his type. I am very conflicted about how I feel about him. Some of my hurt is definitely attachment related but I do genuinely miss him as a person as well, as well as his kids and that sucks. Does anyone have any guidance or ideas how this will play out? Does he even give a crap that he treated me this way? I've never really not contacted him for more than a month so I don't really know what's going to happen. Is there anything I can do at this point other than honor his request for space and smile if I see him at work? He doesn't have any friends, I am really the only person he was close to and I feel very replaced. I don't get it. I was here for him through 16 months of stress-filled, court-laden nonsense and as soon as it's all resolving and our relationship could actually go somewhere, he bailed to the first warm body available.
I keep remembering random little things and adding to this post, or just adding them to my checklist in my head. Like, he told me he only did oral with 3 girls, 2 of them were his ex wives, and he was really excited to do that with me at first. He said it was really intimate for him and he loved it. And I remember him doing it a handful of times, then it got to the point that I had to ask for it. We had sex like every time we saw each other, but it was very him-oriented, not me, but it's still confusing. He also constantly blamed me for having heartburn.
