doesn't make sense, what the heck happened?

Hello everyone, 

I want to thank anyone who stumbles upon this and reads what i have to say as i hope this will contribute to clarity.  I suspect that what i'm about to write here has been shared here numerous times before me in some way shape or form but i'm writing this for me and to see how others feel. 

Some quick info about me: Im a 32 year old male from the New England area, i work as an Electrical engineer and have leared from jeb's material and Dr Stan Tatkin that i seem to fall under the pre-occupied spectrum of attachment, i also have ADHD and take aderall for it. 

In October of 2016 i started dating a co-worker whom i have always absolutely loved and adored, she is a little older than me in her early to mid 40's, however when i met her in 2014 she was unhappily married and i was always there to support her though there was always a special bond between us and even now she agrees to this.  Her husband was an alchoholic that she knew when she was in college but they reunited over the internet and had a distance relationship. Eventually after visiting back and forth they decided to get married so she took the chance and moved here and found a job where i currently work.  What she didn't know is that he was an alchoholic, was diagnosed with aspergers (super highly functional) and also had a son (that she knew and met a few times before) but that he too was functioning autistic.  So needless to say he ended up manipulating her, using her for money, and she was basically miserable and just hiding in her basement all the time to be alone.  Long story short, they got divorced and he sort of conned and manipulated over $60K from her 401k... this left her very sad... around this time i moved job facility locations to another area nearby so we lost touch but kept in frequent distant contact.  About a year later, we started talking more and i eventually asked her out.  I figured a year had passed and she had started to heal and was maybe ready to date since we both always felt a strong mutual attraction.  She is a very warm and loving person and incredibly caring at work and this was incredibly appealing.  

So we start dating and we hit it off... sparks fly, it's the happiest i've ever been in my life.  The perception i had of her being an amazing person an would make an amazing partner was validated.  within a very short period of time the feelings we had for one another just flourished and it didn't take long for us to express our love for one another and after a few short months we discussed moving in and a few other things.  She met my family and everyone loved her, and i met her family it was all great.  

However there were times early on when she would focus on work or school and it would seem like i was almost invisible to her, and i kept wanting to spend time with her to offer comfort and support because that's just how i am and how i've done things.  I've never been considered needy or clingy before, but holy shit, this woman drew this into overdrive.   I became a helpless lost puppy wondering what went wrong.  She would then bounce back and become "normal" after i would not be there for a few days. I found out she had been married 3 times in total, that her father was basically absent from her life and as a child expressed that he basically wanted nothing to do with her, and her step father molested her... heres some noteworthy info: her mom has been married 5 times and is now going through an unbelievably horrible lawsuit that is going to strip her of eveerything because of her late husband #5.  My girlfriend and i, through converstaions have come to the realization that she sabotages relationships when they get too close and she pushes people away.  It appears she only lasted in her marriages as long as she did because these men were basically incredibly avoidant or didn't really care about her.  Interestingly, this made her feel unloved and sad and empty inside but the irony is she seems to panic and get suffocated when closeness happens.  


We've taken "breaks" a few times when she gets incredibly stressed out, i seem to always be the only thing she has control of to push away, between her trying to support her crazy mom through her hard times, dealing with what happened in her last marriage,  and the craziness her and i both experience in our highly demanding careers.  

She says she can't show affection to me right now and has to withdraw and says stuff about how she has limited energy for this relationship and its too much for her... yet as she is saying this she is petting her dog, kissing it and saying how much she loves it lol... 

She finally ended it but we basically said it was a long break... no more " i love you's" or kisses or affection, and i can't ask to hang out with her but she wants me to give her a chance to invite me back into her life (if that ever happens)... she says she loves me and i'm the best person she's ever dated but that she's a broken and defective person... in short she said he's a "lemon", and she doesn't know why i put up with her "craziness" and "instability". 

I'm just hurt because it feels as though we've made substantial progress but as we make progress and understand eachother better she seems to find a way to keep me at a distance... for example she randomly asked for my keys back to her apartment, i couldn't shower or stay over anymore because it would stress her out, she would stop offering me things when she'd get up to get them (which was surprisingly hurtful).  

Now she says she just wants to distance to be my best friend.   


There were so many red flags that i ignored because i love her, and even now she still says i don't deserve what she is doing to me... she has sent so many mixed messages bu i'm not sure if that was just to drive me away but i guess it never did since i just wanted to be there for her and support her. 

At one point she was the most amazing person I've ever loved in my life and now it seems like she doesn't want to care about my needs or feelings and constantly has mixed emotions and feelings.  Sometimes it feels like my presence bothers her and everything i do is just problematic or burdensome.  She will call me dramatic or get angry when i want to talk about stuff, then i make mention of her ex husbands and the other men that have done bad things to her dramatically in life and she gets angry at that. 

She has started seeing a therapist a few months back but i feel like she isn't up front with the guy and seems to blame herself for my presence in her life saying that she needs to be able to establish more boundaries.  

She doesn't like to leave her apartment much or be around people outside of work though she is one of the most charismatic and charming people i've ever met. She's not controlling but she's a control freak and seems to panic when things are out of her control... one of the silly reasons she said she didn't want me to shower there anymore after we go to the gym is that the idea of using a towel after shes done laundry and things getting wet in there stress her out to no end.  I try to convince her this is craziness and i think she knows but this whole pushing me away and controlling what access i have to her life seems to help her cope.  She talks so much about how she needs "alone time" or " quiet time".  Before we broke up she had talked about this guy that she dated after her divorce, turns out the guy lied about being married and she felt used for sex only once a week... but she said that it was easier to feel used and abused because at least she knew what to expect and she could get her "alone time" back.  The more we try to talk about stuff she just says "i'm drained and i don't have the energy to deal with this". The reason it hurts so god damned much is because she manages to have energy and can be interrupted to solve other peoples issues or handle other things like it's no problem but once it comes to us and her she gets incredibly edgy and defensive and "drained".  Its so confusing to me why i'm being treated this way... she wants me one second and then the next she doesn't.   She even makes a big deal about me texting her a few times a day sometimes, she says its too much and it stresses her out, but i see her text friends and work peers all the time... I then ask her about that and why that isn't tiring her and she responds "well that's different i'm not in a romantic relationship with them" as if i'm truly supposed to know what the hell that hypocrisy even means?!?!  Am i the crazy one or the overly attached one?  i'm here to see if others have maybe experienced this or can make sense of it somewhat, somehow. My guess is that she falls under some type of avoidant attachment as her mom has admitted to me that as a child she wasn't as affectionate or loving or playful with her as she probably should have been.  Maybe her and i have fallen under the preoccupied-avoidant relationship cycle I've read about here already.  

I've been sensing her withdrawing and she says she feels like she is also a bad girlfriend because she can't be "kissy, lovey or huggy" with me.  I told her that i'm here for her and she always says some excuse now as to why it's not fair to me and she can't stand that she's a bad girlfriend.  I always ask, "well why can't we work through this together, you've been an amazing girlfriend before and now you just seem to be going through things i don't understand and you won't communicate with me" and she basically just doesn't want to talk much further and seems annoyed. She has tried to end this relationship 3-4 times always when she was feeling stress from school and work and quite frankly i'm tired and exhausted and emotionally drained.  A part of me feels like if she wants to give this another chance that it's not fair to me like she says.  Maybe this is my inner anxious attachment speaking but i get so hurt and angry at the idea that if we truly break up she will find some other guy and treat him perfectly the way i want to be treated and he would probably be a scum bag... i say this only because she has admitted that shes not used to men being nice and loving to her, shes used to takers and abusers because that's what she has grown up knowing.  At first i thought she was full of crap, then she explained to me she has an M.O of sabotaging relationships with men that are too "nice". So i asked her "am i just not broken or awful enough or selfish enough to date you?" and she just gives me this sad stare like she feels guilty. She constantly struggles with feeling inadequate in many facets or her life, and apparently with us where she feels like i deserve better than her since she's "broken and defective" and she "cant handle this anymore". She also says she doesn't know "how to navigate in this relationship" because shes never gotten close to someone like before not even her ex husbands.  According to her, her and i have had more sex and intimacy than her previous husbands or relationships that lasted up to 5 years.  That probably should have been a red flag since we were very intimate very often for a while then when we got back from visiting her mother in another state is when she completely changed on me. 

I'm sorry for rambling but i think this is a way for me to share my feelings and getting some sort of help.  i've even started seeing a therapist for this on top of my med checks for my aderall because this has left me feeling so spun up and drained.  can anyone offer some insight, do you think i'm right, or am i wrong... From your experiences what does this sound like to you all?  Is this really how she probably is? uncaring of my needs and feelings and having to be somewhat cold towards me in order for her to feel safe? 

Thank you to everyone in advance for reading this and sharing your thoughts, if this didn't make sense please feel free to ask clarifying questions as i am still somewhat stressed, anxious and distraught over this whole thing.   She hasn't completely cut me off and she is basically treating me like i'm her best friend again, which is fine but it still hurts.  She has expressed that she feels sorry this hurt me but it doesn't really make me feel better lol