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Post by howpredictable on Jun 19, 2017 22:42:35 GMT
Oh, and the "dance" between Narcissist and BPD is very unique and the bond is inexplicable and unusually deep, psychologically (not in a good way). I have strong narcissistic traits and dated both a BPD male and a guy with diagnosed NPD. The BPD male still lingers (I heard from him yesterday, in fact) even though it's been 10 years. These BPD/NPD "relationships" tap into something very deep, and they are hard to get away from, fully.
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Post by anonymous10 on Jun 20, 2017 8:02:45 GMT
My ex is afraid to come back to me - afraid to say anything because he genuinely feels he doesn't have a right. It's really sad but he feels worthless with me. I don't think my relationship with him fed his ego/his narcissistic side as the relationship with his ex did. I think it shattered that and thats what frightened him the most. His defences and his fake self shattered with me.
Also - you said his "post-disconnection disinterest".. what do you mean when you say "he didn't come back to you that way"?
My ex doesn't have weird control needs with me.. in fact he feels so out of control thats what scares him the most. The reason we ended our friendship was because we both want to be with each other but I told him there is no way i'm going back there with him while he has all this attachment/narcissistic stuff to figure out. He had no ego, he was vulnerable and sad. And he always respects me when I go NC. He has never tried to win me back and then discarded me again. he has much more "shame" or "fear".
So... I have always believed and felt that I am different to the ex in that he just wants to control her. With me - it's not the same. Do I sound silly?
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Post by anonymous10 on Jun 21, 2017 2:13:10 GMT
Oh, and the "dance" between Narcissist and BPD is very unique and the bond is inexplicable and unusually deep, psychologically (not in a good way). I have strong narcissistic traits and dated both a BPD male and a guy with diagnosed NPD. The BPD male still lingers (I heard from him yesterday, in fact) even though it's been 10 years. These BPD/NPD "relationships" tap into something very deep, and they are hard to get away from, fully. This explains a lot. He finds it so hard to remove himself fully from the BPD ex and even says "it would honestly just be so much easier if she got a boyfriend" or "She knows how to get to me i can be so weak".. it's all a bit fucked up. I think BPD learn to use seduction and learn how to manipulate their Narcissistic partners. Can you please also let me know your thoughts on my previous reply!? Thank you so much. |
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Post by mrscuba on Jun 21, 2017 16:46:18 GMT
This is for mrscuba. I feel your pain. I'm going thru the same thing with a co-worker. I started dating this person not knowing anything about what I learned after our "break". She is an avoidant and I was blindsided. She did warn me however that I should "run" while I could and didn't want a relationship yet we dated like we were in one. It sucks cause I still have to work with her. At work she was distant and cold and it was almost as if she didn't even know me. She was adamant about not wanting to talk about things or feelings. I always wanted to know where I stood with her and never got a straight answer other than I was "special". Intimacy was an issue.Just the way she would interact with me physically made me think she hadn't been with a lot of men. I could tell she didn't like to be touched. When we hugged she would embrace me for a few seconds then start patting me on the back like I was her brother. When we made love she would go cold and turn her back on me. Kissing her was like kissing someone when they're asleep. First 4 months were wonderful though. The last month was a downward spiral until we decided to take a break. I just couldn't seem to communicate with her. I started getting clingy. I thought I needed to do more for her which only drove her further away. She said I did everything right. Her head was in it but not her heart. After the first few weeks into our relationship she told me she wasn't used to being treated as kindly as I was treating her and she was thankful I was in her life. The men in her past relationships treated her badly, yet she says the love of her life was some co-worker that tried to get into everyone's pants and she said she was okay with his behavior. I never ever realized there are some many people out there with almost the exact same story. I want to do NC but I wonder if it will do any good since she didn't invest emotionally in our relationship. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this. If how I feel now is any indication of how an avoidant must feel with any kind of intimacy, then I wouldn't want to love either. This pain fucking sucks and drowns every other part of my life. If anything our break and NC has helped me to get myself back. Time heals all wounds so they say...give it time. I will never make the same mistake again. and my next relationship will be better for it. Yours will to my friend. Keep your head up. It sucks because you cared and being treated the way avoidants treat you can mess with your head because you never know if you're in a Good spot or a bad one! Its crazy-making behavior! You cared and bonded with that person and yet the reason they reject you is so not understandable to anyone with a rational mind. Things got better with my ex Now that we are best friends but sometimes her behavior can still drive me a little nuts even though I understand it much better now. |
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Post by howpredictable on Jun 22, 2017 14:54:07 GMT
My ex is afraid to come back to me - afraid to say anything because he genuinely feels he doesn't have a right. It's really sad but he feels worthless with me. I don't think my relationship with him fed his ego/his narcissistic side as the relationship with his ex did. I think it shattered that and thats what frightened him the most. His defences and his fake self shattered with me. Also - you said his "post-disconnection disinterest".. what do you mean when you say "he didn't come back to you that way"? My ex doesn't have weird control needs with me.. in fact he feels so out of control thats what scares him the most. The reason we ended our friendship was because we both want to be with each other but I told him there is no way i'm going back there with him while he has all this attachment/narcissistic stuff to figure out. He had no ego, he was vulnerable and sad. And he always respects me when I go NC. He has never tried to win me back and then discarded me again. he has much more "shame" or "fear". So... I have always believed and felt that I am different to the ex in that he just wants to control her. With me - it's not the same. Do I sound silly? All I meant was that you seem to be comparing his connection to her, with his connection to you. The fact that he may have an urge to go back to her repeatedly, whereas he apparently broke off with you (if I'm remembering correctly -- I haven't gone back to re-read everything) just means that he's complex and the attachment to her is driven by different considerations, likely BPD/NPD bonding.
I know there's a tendency to micro-analyze everything, but the fact remains that people are very complex. Even without attachment or personality disorders working in the background, the reasons people are attracted to / stay with / leave / permanently abandon partners is unfathomably complex at the best of times.
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