What should i do when DA won't message back?

I had the same problem when I was seeing a guy who might be DA.
What did I do? Well I told him that I don’t like being ignored. I also remember saying to him “I don’t know if you do that intentionally or not and it doesn’t really matter because I don’t appreciate it anyway. I like knowing things and we should not see each other anymore if you can’t compromise with giving me answers.”

Did it work? Kind of, mostly of the times.

People do have a life, I have no expectations that someone need to answer my texts right away but I can’t really buy that that someone are so busy that they just have time to answer efter 3 days. I’m most secure so even if I am really busy I’m going to take some minutes of my day to answer someone’s messages or at least let them know that I don’t have time to talk or meet for somedays.

Thanks Stayhappy - sorry everyone i don't know how to directly reply to people's posts - or do that thing that where you copy the message of someone into your own message. Someone let me know!
Your advice is interesting and it has got me thinking about whether it would be worth it to raise this issue with him. I am just figuring that because of his DA problems, it's not as though he is 'choosing' to reply 3 days later (or not at all), any more than i 'choose' to get anxious when i don't hear from him. It's just each of own anxieties showing up in different ways. And as i am currently the one who is more self aware, and aware of my attachment style, it can only be me who modifies my behaviour at this point - he cannot because he is not aware. Hmmmm i am thinking about it all

hi beth, i'm going to be frank with you.
i am DA/earned secure.
you have made assumptions about his level of involvement by assuming that his want for hugs meant he wanted to be close to you in such a way that would trigger deactivation in him.

i don't know him, or you.
But this involvement you have here is strictly casual, and it seems more likely to me that he is not answering not because he is freaked out and paralyzed by deactivation, but because communicating with you simply is not a priority.

From my DA perspective, i see you creating your own narrative of what you might like to believe, which overestimates his intention here. It may be that you believe that if you limp this along, he will become more secure and respond to text messages.

I really think you should try to get out of his head, and determine whether or not you are ok with being ignored because that is essentially what is happening.
it's ludicrous to think that someone can't make time for a five second response after 3 days.

it's also far-fetched to think this low-level engagement is enough to activate attachment defenses. its barely there.

If you're happy with him, get used to how he rolls because he's showing you what he will contribute.
you'll do all the initiating ( or most of it) and be ignored when you're not a priority, which is for 4-5 weeks at a time and when you text about something other than meeting up.

Please don't make the mistake of projecting your own ideas on the situation. just see it as it is and focus on how and why you are adjusting yourself to a situation that feels like drowning with no life guard.

My intention is not to be harsh but to provide my perspective as a DA, as you requested.

i like to see all individuals, of any attachment type, understand and address any issues internal to them that block them from finding the relationship that would enhance and satisfy them. that's where the intention of this post lies.

Attachment or not, he doesn’t want to talk right now. Just let him be and do you.

Thanks tnr9 - it's interesting that everyone wants to talk about my motives for my behaviour, instead of his behaviour and what would benefit him! haha. I guess it comes with this board's territory. But in thinking about your questions - i am modifying my behaviour because i want to accommodate him yes. What i believe truly is that he will continue to do the same things REGARDLESS of whether i object to it or not (or to put it your way 'teach him how i want to be treated'). So i have the option of walking away, or try and accommodate him. It's worth it to me to change my attachment tendencies and accommodate him. As for resentment, well i don't know if that would come or not. I think what i would resent more is losing him.

hi beth, i'm going to be frank with you.
i am DA/earned secure.
you have made assumptions about his level of involvement by assuming that his want for hugs meant he wanted to be close to you in such a way that would trigger deactivation in him.

i don't know him, or you.
But this involvement you have here is strictly casual, and it seems more likely to me that he is not answering not because he is freaked out and paralyzed by deactivation, but because communicating with you simply is not a priority.

From my DA perspective, i see you creating your own narrative of what you might like to believe, which overestimates his intention here. It may be that you believe that if you limp this along, he will become more secure and respond to text messages.

I really think you should try to get out of his head, and determine whether or not you are ok with being ignored because that is essentially what is happening.
it's ludicrous to think that someone can't make time for a five second response after 3 days.

it's also far-fetched to think this low-level engagement is enough to activate attachment defenses. its barely there.

If you're happy with him, get used to how he rolls because he's showing you what he will contribute.
you'll do all the initiating ( or most of it) and be ignored when you're not a priority, which is for 4-5 weeks at a time and when you text about something other than meeting up.

Please don't make the mistake of projecting your own ideas on the situation. just see it as it is and focus on how and why you are adjusting yourself to a situation that feels like drowning with no life guard.

My intention is not to be harsh but to provide my perspective as a DA, as you requested.

i like to see all individuals, of any attachment type, understand and address any issues internal to them that block them from finding the relationship that would enhance and satisfy them. that's where the intention of this post lies.
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Thanks juniper - i am certainly not creating the narrative i would like to believe - there are far nicer narratives about this situation that i could convince my of that would be nicer to believe! I am ok with being ignored in the context of understanding that some people are not as capable of replying to texts as others. When i say 'capable' of course i understand that everyone is 'capable' of replying to texts - like you said, of course anyone can take 5 seconds out of their day to reply. But the issue is, why is that some people feel more inclined/comfortable to do that, whereas others, for many reasons, feel inclined to ignore a text. I understand that i am not a priority - that is exactly the situation that i have described. What i am interested in is in continuing this level of non priority - maybe people on this board should stop projecting what THEY would prefer onto me! The 'drowning with no life guard' comment described my lack of understanding in how to keep this level of contact going. It was NOT a reflection of how i feel about this level of contact or about how to get more contact. I understand that your intention is just to provide your perspective - and i thank you for that. My intention in this reply is simply to provide my perspective on your understanding of me!