beth
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 0:35:04 GMT
hi beth , i'm going to be frank with you. i am DA/earned secure. you have made assumptions about his level of involvement by assuming that his want for hugs meant he wanted to be close to you in such a way that would trigger deactivation in him. i don't know him, or you. But this involvement you have here is strictly casual, and it seems more likely to me that he is not answering not because he is freaked out and paralyzed by deactivation, but because communicating with you simply is not a priority. From my DA perspective, i see you creating your own narrative of what you might like to believe, which overestimates his intention here. It may be that you believe that if you limp this along, he will become more secure and respond to text messages. I really think you should try to get out of his head, and determine whether or not you are ok with being ignored because that is essentially what is happening. it's ludicrous to think that someone can't make time for a five second response after 3 days. it's also far-fetched to think this low-level engagement is enough to activate attachment defenses. its barely there. If you're happy with him, get used to how he rolls because he's showing you what he will contribute. you'll do all the initiating ( or most of it) and be ignored when you're not a priority, which is for 4-5 weeks at a time and when you text about something other than meeting up. Please don't make the mistake of projecting your own ideas on the situation. just see it as it is and focus on how and why you are adjusting yourself to a situation that feels like drowning with no life guard. My intention is not to be harsh but to provide my perspective as a DA, as you requested. i like to see all individuals, of any attachment type, understand and address any issues internal to them that block them from finding the relationship that would enhance and satisfy them. that's where the intention of this post lies. Hi beth - I agree with Juniper’s post. Not even the President is too busy to reply to a text, in fact he tweets all the time. It literally takes a few seconds to respond- he’s showing you with his actions that you are not a priority. Most likely intentionally showing you so you don’t get the wrong idea. I also wonder if you’re really ok with this casual dynamic since it bothered you enough to post about it and refer to yourself as drowning? My last observation is that if this relationship with him has always been this casual, then I doubt he’s deactivating as part of his attachment style. I’m AP and when I see a man casually- my AP ways aren’t an issue. I have no reason to fear abandonment from a person I don’t love- a person who assumes a limited part of my life. I’ve noticed a pattern in me that attachment issues surface and become a hinderace 5-6 months into a serious relationship. Serious meaning I have very deep and raw feelings for this man- he’s become my life, so to speak, we talk about getting married and I love you’s are said etc It’s at that level of attachment that my attachment trauma surfaces and I sabotage myself. Attachment aside- it seems like this guy only wants casual and is only responding (or not responding) in a way that suits him. That’s my take as an AP... Also, to give you some perspective of how attachment issues can show up under different circumstances for different people - you said that your AP tendencies don't show up until 5-6 months into a serious relationship - Well my AP tendencies show up after like 2-3 dates with someone i barely know! So there you go, everyone has different levels that will activated their attachment problems! |
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beth
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Posts: 41
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 0:39:53 GMT
Thanks Stayhappy - sorry everyone i don't know how to directly reply to people's posts - or do that thing that where you copy the message of someone into your own message. Someone let me know! Your advice is interesting and it has got me thinking about whether it would be worth it to raise this issue with him. I am just figuring that because of his DA problems, it's not as though he is 'choosing' to reply 3 days later (or not at all), any more than i 'choose' to get anxious when i don't hear from him. It's just each of own anxieties showing up in different ways. And as i am currently the one who is more self aware, and aware of my attachment style, it can only be me who modifies my behaviour at this point - he cannot because he is not aware. Hmmmm i am thinking about it all hi beth , i'm going to be frank with you. i am DA/earned secure. you have made assumptions about his level of involvement by assuming that his want for hugs meant he wanted to be close to you in such a way that would trigger deactivation in him. i don't know him, or you. But this involvement you have here is strictly casual, and it seems more likely to me that he is not answering not because he is freaked out and paralyzed by deactivation, but because communicating with you simply is not a priority. From my DA perspective, i see you creating your own narrative of what you might like to believe, which overestimates his intention here. It may be that you believe that if you limp this along, he will become more secure and respond to text messages. I really think you should try to get out of his head, and determine whether or not you are ok with being ignored because that is essentially what is happening. it's ludicrous to think that someone can't make time for a five second response after 3 days. it's also far-fetched to think this low-level engagement is enough to activate attachment defenses. its barely there. If you're happy with him, get used to how he rolls because he's showing you what he will contribute. you'll do all the initiating ( or most of it) and be ignored when you're not a priority, which is for 4-5 weeks at a time and when you text about something other than meeting up. Please don't make the mistake of projecting your own ideas on the situation. just see it as it is and focus on how and why you are adjusting yourself to a situation that feels like drowning with no life guard. My intention is not to be harsh but to provide my perspective as a DA, as you requested. i like to see all individuals, of any attachment type, understand and address any issues internal to them that block them from finding the relationship that would enhance and satisfy them. that's where the intention of this post lies. I'm not sure if you're right when you say "it's far-fetched to think that low level engagement is enough to activate attachment defenses" - my attachment defenses are activated after about 2-3 dates with someone who i barely know! So, maybe different people have different levels of what activates their defenses? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 1:03:22 GMT
beth, you don't agree with my DA perspective and that's cool but i won't argue any points,
good luck.
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 27, 2018 1:37:40 GMT
I can see you're trying to understand him, but I think people above are probably right that there's really no way to know what's going on in his head/feelings/attachment/etc.
Without knowing what the texts you wrote say it's hard to fully answer your original question. Maybe he just didn't think they warranted a response. Like I have all sorts of people in my Facebook messenger who I have not responded to because the conversation didn't seem to necessitate any further communication. I know he left an item and that might seem pressing to you, but maybe he just figures he'll get it from you the next eventual time you see each other.
If you really want the relationship on his terms, then accept that he isn't responding to these two texts, and try texting him again in a few weeks in regards to getting together, see what happens then.
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Post by cris88 on Oct 27, 2018 1:41:51 GMT
Hi there. This is my first time posting. My DA is not my partner - we date exclusively (because he would never be able to be "in a relationship" with someone. I only see him once ever 4 or 5 weeks. We do not communicate often - only really when i want to meet up (every 4 or 5 weeks). Occasionally i will have a reason to contact him outside of that. The last 2 messages i sent him have gone read, but ignored. The last time we spent together was 2 weeks ago and he was very affectionate, wanting lots of long hugs (i am aware that his own desire for closeness has probably freaked him out). I messaged him the next day about an item he left at my house and he messaged back 3 days later. This does not bother me - I replied to his message and he ignored it. This also does not bother me per se, because i figured he needed some space. What is worrying me though is that yesterday, i messaged him about something and he again has read the message and ignored it. I understand he is pulling away and deactivating (maybe this time for good). What is the best thing for me to do in this situation? Two messages in a row ignored (which he has never done) - should i send a third asking if he is ok? Or should i leave it a couple of days then ask? Particularly keen to hear from other DAs - what do you need/appreciate when at the point of thinking that is easier if you just insist on calling the whole thing off (which he has done once before when we were dating about a year ago)? I really appreciate any replies and help as i am drowning here and there is no life guard. Thank you so much! If you like it as it is and you want to keep going because you're not troubled by the lack of contact then just leave him alone and don't text him until he answers. If he deactivates this time for good there is nothing you can do but accept it and move on, you will hardly understand him and to keep the game going you need at least two players. |
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beth
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Posts: 41
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 1:51:21 GMT
beth, you don't agree with my DA perspective and that's cool but i won't argue any points, good luck. Hey Juniper - please don't perceive other people giving THEIR perspective as arguing with you. All of us are allowed to give our own perspective without judgement of it being called "arguing" |
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beth
New Member
Posts: 41
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 1:54:35 GMT
Hi there. This is my first time posting. My DA is not my partner - we date exclusively (because he would never be able to be "in a relationship" with someone. I only see him once ever 4 or 5 weeks. We do not communicate often - only really when i want to meet up (every 4 or 5 weeks). Occasionally i will have a reason to contact him outside of that. The last 2 messages i sent him have gone read, but ignored. The last time we spent together was 2 weeks ago and he was very affectionate, wanting lots of long hugs (i am aware that his own desire for closeness has probably freaked him out). I messaged him the next day about an item he left at my house and he messaged back 3 days later. This does not bother me - I replied to his message and he ignored it. This also does not bother me per se, because i figured he needed some space. What is worrying me though is that yesterday, i messaged him about something and he again has read the message and ignored it. I understand he is pulling away and deactivating (maybe this time for good). What is the best thing for me to do in this situation? Two messages in a row ignored (which he has never done) - should i send a third asking if he is ok? Or should i leave it a couple of days then ask? Particularly keen to hear from other DAs - what do you need/appreciate when at the point of thinking that is easier if you just insist on calling the whole thing off (which he has done once before when we were dating about a year ago)? I really appreciate any replies and help as i am drowning here and there is no life guard. Thank you so much! If you like it as it is and you want to keep going because you're not troubled by the lack of contact then just leave him alone and don't text him until he answers. If he deactivates this time for good there is nothing you can do but accept it and move on, you will hardly understand him and to keep the game going you need at least two players. Thanks cris88. I guess you are right that there is nothing i can do if he deactivates for good. I wonder if giving more space and leaving him alone is likely to help prevent, or cause him to deactivate for good? hmmm |
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beth
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Posts: 41
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 2:01:45 GMT
I can see you're trying to understand him, but I think people above are probably right that there's really no way to know what's going on in his head/feelings/attachment/etc. Without knowing what the texts you wrote say it's hard to fully answer your original question. Maybe he just didn't think they warranted a response. Like I have all sorts of people in my Facebook messenger who I have not responded to because the conversation didn't seem to necessitate any further communication. I know he left an item and that might seem pressing to you, but maybe he just figures he'll get it from you the next eventual time you see each other. If you really want the relationship on his terms, then accept that he isn't responding to these two texts, and try texting him again in a few weeks in regards to getting together, see what happens then. Thank you compassionateavoid. The last text i sent said "could you please take the copy of the magazine from the plane for me please? There's an article in it i want to show one of my students and i forgot to take it with me when i last flew". Yeah maybe thats a good idea - to just leave it as usual and text him in a few weeks as per usual. Your username looks like you might lean towards being avoidant? So if you were in this situation, is that what you would appreciate? Because most of the other posters are alluding to the notion that i should be calling him out on this behaviour, or at least that i should not be willing to accept a lack of reply because it is deemed 'disrespectful'? I'm not sure what to think? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 2:14:06 GMT
beth, you don't agree with my DA perspective and that's cool but i won't argue any points, good luck. Hey Juniper - please don't perceive other people giving THEIR perspective as arguing with you. All of us are allowed to give our own perspective without judgement of it being called "arguing" beth, i didn't accuse you of arguing. i said what I wouldn't do. i gave my perspective and you don't agree with it so much which is fine but i just didn't have further comment is all. calm. down. lol! |
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 27, 2018 2:15:32 GMT
I actually don't know what prevailing attachments style I am. I made the username when I was gaining some insight that I probably act DA in my marriage and that I need to work on that, but I have a very strong AP side (not in regards to my spouse) and some recent posts made me wonder if I'm FA-ish. So I have no idea!
When I'm acting avoidant, I would want someone to reach out. Their not reaching out would to me reinforce the idea that they don't care and/or can't be trusted.
But, again, I'm not sure that being avoidant is my most prevailing style. I actually think I'm probably more AP and that my advice above was more of an AP perspective, because if you're AP and reach out and he doesn't want you to reach out, then you're doing it on your terms rather than his terms.
What I'm saying is if you are doing it on his terms-- which I agree with those above is NOT healthy but you're saying it's what you want anyway-- then that would mean not taking it personally or feeling disrespected if he doesn't return a text, but rather accepting it as how things are. If you can't accept it or do feel disrespected then cool, you're figuring out what YOU want, but then don't pretend you're doing it on his terms.
I don't suppose the next time you're together (because I'd do it in person) you could ask him his preference in these situations and there'd be any chance he'd give you a real answer that isn't his defensive walls speaking?
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:25:12 GMT
Hi beth - I agree with Juniper’s post. Not even the President is too busy to reply to a text, in fact he tweets all the time. It literally takes a few seconds to respond- he’s showing you with his actions that you are not a priority. Most likely intentionally showing you so you don’t get the wrong idea. I also wonder if you’re really ok with this casual dynamic since it bothered you enough to post about it and refer to yourself as drowning? My last observation is that if this relationship with him has always been this casual, then I doubt he’s deactivating as part of his attachment style. I’m AP and when I see a man casually- my AP ways aren’t an issue. I have no reason to fear abandonment from a person I don’t love- a person who assumes a limited part of my life. I’ve noticed a pattern in me that attachment issues surface and become a hinderace 5-6 months into a serious relationship. Serious meaning I have very deep and raw feelings for this man- he’s become my life, so to speak, we talk about getting married and I love you’s are said etc It’s at that level of attachment that my attachment trauma surfaces and I sabotage myself. Attachment aside- it seems like this guy only wants casual and is only responding (or not responding) in a way that suits him. That’s my take as an AP... Also, to give you some perspective of how attachment issues can show up under different circumstances for different people - you said that your AP tendencies don't show up until 5-6 months into a serious relationship - Well my AP tendencies show up after like 2-3 dates with someone i barely know! So there you go, everyone has different levels that will activated their attachment problems! Beth- I’ve had guys been extremely anxious, needy and demanding of me before we even had a first date- guys I met online. I don’t know if it’s considered an attachment issue though if this behavior presents before or immediately after meeting someone. I always assumed attachment issues surfaced w people you’re attached to...and it’s my experience, as well. Whether personality traits or attachment, if this guy has been acting this way with you for months with no sign of wanting to take things deeper, then I’d assume he wants to keep things very casual and distant and not returning texts, will likely continue. Personally, even casual or a platonic friendship I’d want someone to reply to a message. If you’re ok with being casual then you are probably in the fortunate place of not being too attached so that asserting a boundary and being prepared to let go if he’s not on the same page will not cause you extreme heartache at this point. If you’re in that safe place, maybe best to cut ties before you head for heartache. I’m in that tough spot now and it’s not easy. Wish you the best whatever you decide! |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:26:51 GMT
Hey Juniper - please don't perceive other people giving THEIR perspective as arguing with you. All of us are allowed to give our own perspective without judgement of it being called "arguing" beth, i didn't accuse you of arguing. i said what I wouldn't do. i gave my perspective and you don't agree with it so much which is fine but i just didn't have further comment is all. calm. down. lol! Juni...AP. Calm isn’t our strong suit Lol 🤷♀️😂 |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:30:39 GMT
I actually don't know what prevailing attachments style I am. I made the username when I was gaining some insight that I probably act DA in my marriage and that I need to work on that, but I have a very strong AP side (not in regards to my spouse) and some recent posts made me wonder if I'm FA-ish. So I have no idea! When I'm acting avoidant, I would want someone to reach out. Their not reaching out would to me reinforce the idea that they don't care and/or can't be trusted. But, again, I'm not sure that being avoidant is my most prevailing style. I actually think I'm probably more AP and that my advice above was more of an AP perspective, because if you're AP and reach out and he doesn't want you to reach out, then you're doing it on your terms rather than his terms. What I'm saying is if you are doing it on his terms-- which I agree with those above is NOT healthy but you're saying it's what you want anyway-- then that would mean not taking it personally or feeling disrespected if he doesn't return a text, but rather accepting it as how things are. If you can't accept it or do feel disrespected then cool, you're figuring out what YOU want, but then don't pretend you're doing it on his terms. I don't suppose the next time you're together (because I'd do it in person) you could ask him his preference in these situations and there'd be any chance he'd give you a real answer that isn't his defensive walls speaking? Wow...quite a mix that u describe as ur style! Maybe u should take an attachment survey?  |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:35:18 GMT
I can see you're trying to understand him, but I think people above are probably right that there's really no way to know what's going on in his head/feelings/attachment/etc. Without knowing what the texts you wrote say it's hard to fully answer your original question. Maybe he just didn't think they warranted a response. Like I have all sorts of people in my Facebook messenger who I have not responded to because the conversation didn't seem to necessitate any further communication. I know he left an item and that might seem pressing to you, but maybe he just figures he'll get it from you the next eventual time you see each other. If you really want the relationship on his terms, then accept that he isn't responding to these two texts, and try texting him again in a few weeks in regards to getting together, see what happens then. Thank you compassionateavoid. The last text i sent said "could you please take the copy of the magazine from the plane for me please? There's an article in it i want to show one of my students and i forgot to take it with me when i last flew". Yeah maybe thats a good idea - to just leave it as usual and text him in a few weeks as per usual. Your username looks like you might lean towards being avoidant? So if you were in this situation, is that what you would appreciate? Because most of the other posters are alluding to the notion that i should be calling him out on this behaviour, or at least that i should not be willing to accept a lack of reply because it is deemed 'disrespectful'? I'm not sure what to think? If it was on my mind I’d text tomorrow- but that’s me. If he was wanting space, it sounds like u already provided that... |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 2:43:02 GMT
beth, i didn't accuse you of arguing. i said what I wouldn't do. i gave my perspective and you don't agree with it so much which is fine but i just didn't have further comment is all. calm. down. lol! Juni...AP. Calm isn’t our strong suit Lol 🤷♀️😂 😂 🤐😉 |
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