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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:45:29 GMT
Thanks tnr9 - it's interesting that everyone wants to talk about my motives for my behaviour, instead of his behaviour and what would benefit him! haha. I guess it comes with this board's territory. But in thinking about your questions - i am modifying my behaviour because i want to accommodate him yes. What i believe truly is that he will continue to do the same things REGARDLESS of whether i object to it or not (or to put it your way 'teach him how i want to be treated'). So i have the option of walking away, or try and accommodate him. It's worth it to me to change my attachment tendencies and accommodate him. As for resentment, well i don't know if that would come or not. I think what i would resent more is losing him. I’d focus on your motives and intentions more only because you can only control your own motives and actions- no one else’s. I’m trying to understand my ex but I can only change me. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:45:51 GMT
Juni...AP. Calm isn’t our strong suit Lol 🤷♀️😂 😂 🤐😉 😂😂😉❤️🙈 |
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beth
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 2:49:13 GMT
I actually don't know what prevailing attachments style I am. I made the username when I was gaining some insight that I probably act DA in my marriage and that I need to work on that, but I have a very strong AP side (not in regards to my spouse) and some recent posts made me wonder if I'm FA-ish. So I have no idea! When I'm acting avoidant, I would want someone to reach out. Their not reaching out would to me reinforce the idea that they don't care and/or can't be trusted. But, again, I'm not sure that being avoidant is my most prevailing style. I actually think I'm probably more AP and that my advice above was more of an AP perspective, because if you're AP and reach out and he doesn't want you to reach out, then you're doing it on your terms rather than his terms. What I'm saying is if you are doing it on his terms-- which I agree with those above is NOT healthy but you're saying it's what you want anyway-- then that would mean not taking it personally or feeling disrespected if he doesn't return a text, but rather accepting it as how things are. If you can't accept it or do feel disrespected then cool, you're figuring out what YOU want, but then don't pretend you're doing it on his terms. I don't suppose the next time you're together (because I'd do it in person) you could ask him his preference in these situations and there'd be any chance he'd give you a real answer that isn't his defensive walls speaking? Ahh i'm finding your insights really helpful! Thank you! I have no idea if he would be capable/comfortable with telling me his preferences. We did try to have a conversation like that over a year ago and he said he was happy to try and be more communicative if that was what i wanted, but then he called the whole thing off a week later saying that he "couldn't be in a relationship right now". So I suspect that when put on the spot, he will automatically placate to avoid criticism, as from all my research, DAs will avoid any form of criticism because it feels too uncomfortable. So yeah, his defensive walls would speak |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 2:52:01 GMT
I actually don't know what prevailing attachments style I am. I made the username when I was gaining some insight that I probably act DA in my marriage and that I need to work on that, but I have a very strong AP side (not in regards to my spouse) and some recent posts made me wonder if I'm FA-ish. So I have no idea! When I'm acting avoidant, I would want someone to reach out. Their not reaching out would to me reinforce the idea that they don't care and/or can't be trusted. But, again, I'm not sure that being avoidant is my most prevailing style. I actually think I'm probably more AP and that my advice above was more of an AP perspective, because if you're AP and reach out and he doesn't want you to reach out, then you're doing it on your terms rather than his terms. What I'm saying is if you are doing it on his terms-- which I agree with those above is NOT healthy but you're saying it's what you want anyway-- then that would mean not taking it personally or feeling disrespected if he doesn't return a text, but rather accepting it as how things are. If you can't accept it or do feel disrespected then cool, you're figuring out what YOU want, but then don't pretend you're doing it on his terms. I don't suppose the next time you're together (because I'd do it in person) you could ask him his preference in these situations and there'd be any chance he'd give you a real answer that isn't his defensive walls speaking? Ahh i'm finding your insights really helpful! Thank you! I have no idea if he would be capable/comfortable with telling me his preferences. We did try to have a conversation like that over a year ago and he said he was happy to try and be more communicative if that was what i wanted, but then he called the whole thing off a week later saying that he "couldn't be in a relationship right now". So I suspect that when put on the spot, he will automatically placate to avoid criticism, as from all my research, DAs will avoid any form of criticism because it feels too uncomfortable. So yeah, his defensive walls would speak He may be FA? |
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beth
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 3:02:16 GMT
Also, to give you some perspective of how attachment issues can show up under different circumstances for different people - you said that your AP tendencies don't show up until 5-6 months into a serious relationship - Well my AP tendencies show up after like 2-3 dates with someone i barely know! So there you go, everyone has different levels that will activated their attachment problems! Beth- I’ve had guys been extremely anxious, needy and demanding of me before we even had a first date- guys I met online. I don’t know if it’s considered an attachment issue though if this behavior presents before or immediately after meeting someone. I always assumed attachment issues surfaced w people you’re attached to...and it’s my experience, as well. Whether personality traits or attachment, if this guy has been acting this way with you for months with no sign of wanting to take things deeper, then I’d assume he wants to keep things very casual and distant and not returning texts, will likely continue. Personally, even casual or a platonic friendship I’d want someone to reply to a message. If you’re ok with being casual then you are probably in the fortunate place of not being too attached so that asserting a boundary and being prepared to let go if he’s not on the same page will not cause you extreme heartache at this point. If you’re in that safe place, maybe best to cut ties before you head for heartache. I’m in that tough spot now and it’s not easy. Wish you the best whatever you decide! These are really interesting ideas! Thank you! From my feelings and also from my research i understand that attachment issue can (might not, but can) influence our interaction with people from the very first time we meet them. Why some people are people pleasers, etc. When you say "if you're ok with being casual then you are probably in the fortunate place of not being too attached" - just wanted to let you know in case you found it interesting that it's possible (in my case anyway) to be ok with being casual but actually be greatly attached! For example, i have deep attachment to some of my friends and i really value their friendship and would be sad if they were gone from my life, but i actually go weeks without speaking to them or tagging them in something on facebook or anything. Similarly, i am deeply attached to my mother and father, but i go weeks without calling them, and only see them a few times a year. I definitely am an AP so i am deeply deeply attached to this man, but i value our connection to accept it for it is. And i also do a lot of work on my own attachment issues and make sure i am loosening my own phsyche's hold over me, by resisting the belief that i "need" someone on my terms. |
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beth
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 3:06:52 GMT
Ahh i'm finding your insights really helpful! Thank you! I have no idea if he would be capable/comfortable with telling me his preferences. We did try to have a conversation like that over a year ago and he said he was happy to try and be more communicative if that was what i wanted, but then he called the whole thing off a week later saying that he "couldn't be in a relationship right now". So I suspect that when put on the spot, he will automatically placate to avoid criticism, as from all my research, DAs will avoid any form of criticism because it feels too uncomfortable. So yeah, his defensive walls would speak He may be FA? Hmmm. I just assumed from all my research that he is not FA because he has never ever reached out to me, or tried to contact me, even when we stopped seeing each other for 9 months about a year ago. So i guess he has no fear at all of losing a 'partner'. He is supremely independent. Buttt, his mother keeps coming and living with him, she's only ever away for about 1 week in 5. So he might be affected by some weird mother enmeshment thing haha |
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beth
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 3:07:30 GMT
If anyone knows anything about men and mother enmeshment, let me know! haha
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 3:31:29 GMT
Beth- I’ve had guys been extremely anxious, needy and demanding of me before we even had a first date- guys I met online. I don’t know if it’s considered an attachment issue though if this behavior presents before or immediately after meeting someone. I always assumed attachment issues surfaced w people you’re attached to...and it’s my experience, as well. Whether personality traits or attachment, if this guy has been acting this way with you for months with no sign of wanting to take things deeper, then I’d assume he wants to keep things very casual and distant and not returning texts, will likely continue. Personally, even casual or a platonic friendship I’d want someone to reply to a message. If you’re ok with being casual then you are probably in the fortunate place of not being too attached so that asserting a boundary and being prepared to let go if he’s not on the same page will not cause you extreme heartache at this point. If you’re in that safe place, maybe best to cut ties before you head for heartache. I’m in that tough spot now and it’s not easy. Wish you the best whatever you decide! These are really interesting ideas! Thank you! From my feelings and also from my research i understand that attachment issue can (might not, but can) influence our interaction with people from the very first time we meet them. Why some people are people pleasers, etc. When you say "if you're ok with being casual then you are probably in the fortunate place of not being too attached" - just wanted to let you know in case you found it interesting that it's possible (in my case anyway) to be ok with being casual but actually be greatly attached! For example, i have deep attachment to some of my friends and i really value their friendship and would be sad if they were gone from my life, but i actually go weeks without speaking to them or tagging them in something on facebook or anything. Similarly, i am deeply attached to my mother and father, but i go weeks without calling them, and only see them a few times a year. I definitely am an AP so i am deeply deeply attached to this man, but i value our connection to accept it for it is. And i also do a lot of work on my own attachment issues and make sure i am loosening my own phsyche's hold over me, by resisting the belief that i "need" someone on my terms. Yes, similar to me as far as I care for and love friends, my parents and kids but I don’t feel anxious about them. My anxious attachment is limited to my intimate partners- other tendencies may come from the AP in me, but not the fear of abandonment and neediness I feel with a partner. So...you already are deeply attached to this man, so much for getting out before the going gets tough. Welcome to push/pull land 😏 Sounds like open communication will likely be tough, but if you weren’t happy with the way he ignored your texts, then bring it up. Tell him you were surprised when you didn’t hear back and a little hurt. Whatever it is you felt...otherwise, you just leave or accept. At least try being direct. That’s what I would do... |
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beth
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 3:56:07 GMT
These are really interesting ideas! Thank you! From my feelings and also from my research i understand that attachment issue can (might not, but can) influence our interaction with people from the very first time we meet them. Why some people are people pleasers, etc. When you say "if you're ok with being casual then you are probably in the fortunate place of not being too attached" - just wanted to let you know in case you found it interesting that it's possible (in my case anyway) to be ok with being casual but actually be greatly attached! For example, i have deep attachment to some of my friends and i really value their friendship and would be sad if they were gone from my life, but i actually go weeks without speaking to them or tagging them in something on facebook or anything. Similarly, i am deeply attached to my mother and father, but i go weeks without calling them, and only see them a few times a year. I definitely am an AP so i am deeply deeply attached to this man, but i value our connection to accept it for it is. And i also do a lot of work on my own attachment issues and make sure i am loosening my own phsyche's hold over me, by resisting the belief that i "need" someone on my terms. Yes, similar to me as far as I care for and love friends, my parents and kids but I don’t feel anxious about them. My anxious attachment is limited to my intimate partners- other tendencies may come from the AP in me, but not the fear of abandonment and neediness I feel with a partner. So...you already are deeply attached to this man, so much for getting out before the going gets tough. Welcome to push/pull land 😏 Sounds like open communication will likely be tough, but if you weren’t happy with the way he ignored your texts, then bring it up. Tell him you were surprised when you didn’t hear back and a little hurt. Whatever it is you felt...otherwise, you just leave or accept. At least try being direct. That’s what I would do... Yeah maybe i could say i was surprised. Just to get a handle on how it feels to him when i contact him. Than you so much for all your suggestions! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 14:42:12 GMT
beth, I would say I am squarely in the DA camp and there is no amount of pushing or texting that will get me to respond faster than I am willing. If you are to text him again, I would text something that doesn't require a reply and is not pushing. I'm not saying this is fair to you to accommodate him when he's ignoring you, but this is my perspective as DA.
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andy
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Post by andy on Oct 27, 2018 17:40:47 GMT
Thanks tnr9 - it's interesting that everyone wants to talk about my motives for my behaviour, instead of his behaviour and what would benefit him! haha. I guess it comes with this board's territory. But in thinking about your questions - i am modifying my behaviour because i want to accommodate him yes. What i believe truly is that he will continue to do the same things REGARDLESS of whether i object to it or not (or to put it your way 'teach him how i want to be treated'). So i have the option of walking away, or try and accommodate him. It's worth it to me to change my attachment tendencies and accommodate him. As for resentment, well i don't know if that would come or not. I think what i would resent more is losing him. Hey beth. I am a fellow AP here, increasingly secure. Regarding "change my attachment tendencies and accommodate him," what would you like to change in your attachment tendencies? Do you mean that you would like to feel okay with the limited contact from him and his non-responses to your texts? Because to me, it seems healthy and appropriate not to feel okay with those things (if that's your true emotional response to the situation). Maybe one approach to changing your attachment tendencies would actually be to start right there with those feelings: really pay attention to your dissatisfaction and challenge yourself to honour it as valid and self-loving rather than wishing it away. You may not be able to get rid of it if it's a healthy part of how you really feel in this situation, and by trying to get rid of it you may suffer and undermine your self-aceptance rather than building it up. From my own experience, there's nothing more classically AP than stuffing down one's own feelings to accommodate another person's avoidance and guard against losing a relationship. I know that protest behaviours, outbursts, excessive contact etc might all be recognized more readily as AP, but that was never me. My AP behaviour (which I've promised myself never to repeat) WAS accommodation all the way, combined with a lack of acceptance of my own need for consistent reciprocation. So to me, accommodating and changing AP attachment tendencies are pretty much opposites. I hear you that you don't want to let go of the infrequent/casual connection with this person you care about, and that's okay. Just throwing an idea out there: would you consider actively looking for other people to date even as you keep this connection going? It doesn't seem like a relationship format that would prevent you from going on dates, am I right? I wonder if that would be a way to reduce your focus on this person (which I think is stressful, from the way you've described it) and also maybe find someone else to get excited about who could better meet your need for contact? The one big caution would be to keep checking in with yourself to make sure you're really feeling open to dating other people and not just using them as some kind of strategy, you know? This suggestion might not be a good fit at all, but it popped into my mind so I thought I'd share just in case. Edited to add: just reviewed your original post and saw that you are dating exclusively. So my suggestion might not be a fit for you. Or maybe there is an opportunity to reconsider whether exclusivity meets your needs in this situation (it wouldn't meet mine, but for you it might be what feels right). |
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beth
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 20:30:48 GMT
Thanks tnr9 - it's interesting that everyone wants to talk about my motives for my behaviour, instead of his behaviour and what would benefit him! haha. I guess it comes with this board's territory. But in thinking about your questions - i am modifying my behaviour because i want to accommodate him yes. What i believe truly is that he will continue to do the same things REGARDLESS of whether i object to it or not (or to put it your way 'teach him how i want to be treated'). So i have the option of walking away, or try and accommodate him. It's worth it to me to change my attachment tendencies and accommodate him. As for resentment, well i don't know if that would come or not. I think what i would resent more is losing him. Hey beth . I am a fellow AP here, increasingly secure. Regarding "change my attachment tendencies and accommodate him," what would you like to change in your attachment tendencies? Do you mean that you would like to feel okay with the limited contact from him and his non-responses to your texts? Because to me, it seems healthy and appropriate not to feel okay with those things (if that's your true emotional response to the situation). Maybe one approach to changing your attachment tendencies would actually be to start right there with those feelings: really pay attention to your dissatisfaction and challenge yourself to honour it as valid and self-loving rather than wishing it away. You may not be able to get rid of it if it's a healthy part of how you really feel in this situation, and by trying to get rid of it you may suffer and undermine your self-aceptance rather than building it up. From my own experience, there's nothing more classically AP than stuffing down one's own feelings to accommodate another person's avoidance and guard against losing a relationship. I know that protest behaviours, outbursts, excessive contact etc might all be recognized more readily as AP, but that was never me. My AP behaviour (which I've promised myself never to repeat) WAS accommodation all the way, combined with a lack of acceptance of my own need for consistent reciprocation. So to me, accommodating and changing AP attachment tendencies are pretty much opposites. I hear you that you don't want to let go of the infrequent/casual connection with this person you care about, and that's okay. Just throwing an idea out there: would you consider actively looking for other people to date even as you keep this connection going? It doesn't seem like a relationship format that would prevent you from going on dates, am I right? I wonder if that would be a way to reduce your focus on this person (which I think is stressful, from the way you've described it) and also maybe find someone else to get excited about who could better meet your need for contact? The one big caution would be to keep checking in with yourself to make sure you're really feeling open to dating other people and not just using them as some kind of strategy, you know? This suggestion might not be a good fit at all, but it popped into my mind so I thought I'd share just in case. Edited to add: just reviewed your original post and saw that you are dating exclusively. So my suggestion might not be a fit for you. Or maybe there is an opportunity to reconsider whether exclusivity meets your needs in this situation (it wouldn't meet mine, but for you it might be what feels right). Hey Andy - thank you so much for replying! Several things you suggested here made me quite emotional. You're absolutely right in that i am like you with the AP behaviour of accommodation and this is what i meant when i said i wanted to modify my behaviour - so that i could be more accommodating of things on his terms and not have expectations of things on my terms. This DOES sound really sad! And actually it is really sad! And i feel really sad right now! haha. Especially because reading your post made me think about a lot of things - especially the next part of your post where you talk about whether i would consider dating other people. The reality is, that i have found after 7 years of dating proactively and being really positive in thinking that it is possible to find a real relationship where someone wants to commit, i have to be honest with myself and accept that it is NOT possible. In 7 years of dating (and before that i was just taking it easy) i have not been out with a SINGLE guy who wanted me for anything more than sex. I am unfortunately the kind of person who only goes on dates with people whom i actually like and are attracted to, and men seem to be able to smell this a mile off. My friends all get boyfriends by starting off dating men whom they seem to despise, or at least look down upon, on some level, and this keeps the men keen and determined to 'prove' to them that they are worthy, and so eventually they end up in long term, committed relationships. I just can't bring myself to date people i don't like. So go out with men who i like, but they know i like them, and consequently there is not challenge and i'm the nice, boring girl. I'm 33 years old. It's almost 'times up' for me. I just know, from the core of my soul, that i will never find someone who wants to be with me (who i actually like and respect), so i have to take what i can get. And the only way to do that is accept how these men want to treat me. |
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 27, 2018 20:43:25 GMT
Hey beth . I am a fellow AP here, increasingly secure. Regarding "change my attachment tendencies and accommodate him," what would you like to change in your attachment tendencies? Do you mean that you would like to feel okay with the limited contact from him and his non-responses to your texts? Because to me, it seems healthy and appropriate not to feel okay with those things (if that's your true emotional response to the situation). Maybe one approach to changing your attachment tendencies would actually be to start right there with those feelings: really pay attention to your dissatisfaction and challenge yourself to honour it as valid and self-loving rather than wishing it away. You may not be able to get rid of it if it's a healthy part of how you really feel in this situation, and by trying to get rid of it you may suffer and undermine your self-aceptance rather than building it up. From my own experience, there's nothing more classically AP than stuffing down one's own feelings to accommodate another person's avoidance and guard against losing a relationship. I know that protest behaviours, outbursts, excessive contact etc might all be recognized more readily as AP, but that was never me. My AP behaviour (which I've promised myself never to repeat) WAS accommodation all the way, combined with a lack of acceptance of my own need for consistent reciprocation. So to me, accommodating and changing AP attachment tendencies are pretty much opposites. I hear you that you don't want to let go of the infrequent/casual connection with this person you care about, and that's okay. Just throwing an idea out there: would you consider actively looking for other people to date even as you keep this connection going? It doesn't seem like a relationship format that would prevent you from going on dates, am I right? I wonder if that would be a way to reduce your focus on this person (which I think is stressful, from the way you've described it) and also maybe find someone else to get excited about who could better meet your need for contact? The one big caution would be to keep checking in with yourself to make sure you're really feeling open to dating other people and not just using them as some kind of strategy, you know? This suggestion might not be a good fit at all, but it popped into my mind so I thought I'd share just in case. Edited to add: just reviewed your original post and saw that you are dating exclusively. So my suggestion might not be a fit for you. Or maybe there is an opportunity to reconsider whether exclusivity meets your needs in this situation (it wouldn't meet mine, but for you it might be what feels right). Hey Andy - thank you so much for replying! Several things you suggested here made me quite emotional. You're absolutely right in that i am like you with the AP behaviour of accommodation and this is what i meant when i said i wanted to modify my behaviour - so that i could be more accommodating of things on his terms and not have expectations of things on my terms. This DOES sound really sad! And actually it is really sad! And i feel really sad right now! haha. Especially because reading your post made me think about a lot of things - especially the next part of your post where you talk about whether i would consider dating other people. The reality is, that i have found after 7 years of dating proactively and being really positive in thinking that it is possible to find a real relationship where someone wants to commit, i have to be honest with myself and accept that it is NOT possible. In 7 years of dating (and before that i was just taking it easy) i have not been out with a SINGLE guy who wanted me for anything more than sex. I am unfortunately the kind of person who only goes on dates with people whom i actually like and are attracted to, and men seem to be able to smell this a mile off. My friends all get boyfriends by starting off dating men whom they seem to despise, or at least look down upon, on some level, and this keeps the men keen and determined to 'prove' to them that they are worthy, and so eventually they end up in long term, committed relationships. I just can't bring myself to date people i don't like. So go out with men who i like, but they know i like them, and consequently there is not challenge and i'm the nice, boring girl. I'm 33 years old. It's almost 'times up' for me. I just know, from the core of my soul, that i will never find someone who wants to be with me (who i actually like and respect), so i have to take what i can get. And the only way to do that is accept how these men want to treat me. I get so sad when I read what you wrote. 30 are the new 20. And believe me you don’t have to accept what him or anyone else treating you in an way you don’t appreciate. |
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beth
New Member
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Post by beth on Oct 27, 2018 21:04:29 GMT
Hey Andy - thank you so much for replying! Several things you suggested here made me quite emotional. You're absolutely right in that i am like you with the AP behaviour of accommodation and this is what i meant when i said i wanted to modify my behaviour - so that i could be more accommodating of things on his terms and not have expectations of things on my terms. This DOES sound really sad! And actually it is really sad! And i feel really sad right now! haha. Especially because reading your post made me think about a lot of things - especially the next part of your post where you talk about whether i would consider dating other people. The reality is, that i have found after 7 years of dating proactively and being really positive in thinking that it is possible to find a real relationship where someone wants to commit, i have to be honest with myself and accept that it is NOT possible. In 7 years of dating (and before that i was just taking it easy) i have not been out with a SINGLE guy who wanted me for anything more than sex. I am unfortunately the kind of person who only goes on dates with people whom i actually like and are attracted to, and men seem to be able to smell this a mile off. My friends all get boyfriends by starting off dating men whom they seem to despise, or at least look down upon, on some level, and this keeps the men keen and determined to 'prove' to them that they are worthy, and so eventually they end up in long term, committed relationships. I just can't bring myself to date people i don't like. So go out with men who i like, but they know i like them, and consequently there is not challenge and i'm the nice, boring girl. I'm 33 years old. It's almost 'times up' for me. I just know, from the core of my soul, that i will never find someone who wants to be with me (who i actually like and respect), so i have to take what i can get. And the only way to do that is accept how these men want to treat me. I get so sad when I read what you wrote. 30 are the new 20. And believe me you don’t have to accept what him or anyone else treating you in an way you don’t appreciate. No i don't have to accept it. I can choose to walk away and be alone for the rest of my life, if i choose. I've tried being alone. Tried travelling, meeting people, joining groups, moving cities, etc. But like most AP people, we need love (to be in love with someone, even if that love is not returned). I wish that 30 was the new 20. But by 30, most single men are avoidant, because the ones who want relationships actually are in long term relationships. So no, 30 is just lonely haha. Accept this, or be alone. |
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andy
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Post by andy on Oct 27, 2018 21:26:58 GMT
Hey Andy - thank you so much for replying! Several things you suggested here made me quite emotional. You're absolutely right in that i am like you with the AP behaviour of accommodation and this is what i meant when i said i wanted to modify my behaviour - so that i could be more accommodating of things on his terms and not have expectations of things on my terms. This DOES sound really sad! And actually it is really sad! And i feel really sad right now! haha. Especially because reading your post made me think about a lot of things - especially the next part of your post where you talk about whether i would consider dating other people. The reality is, that i have found after 7 years of dating proactively and being really positive in thinking that it is possible to find a real relationship where someone wants to commit, i have to be honest with myself and accept that it is NOT possible. In 7 years of dating (and before that i was just taking it easy) i have not been out with a SINGLE guy who wanted me for anything more than sex. I am unfortunately the kind of person who only goes on dates with people whom i actually like and are attracted to, and men seem to be able to smell this a mile off. My friends all get boyfriends by starting off dating men whom they seem to despise, or at least look down upon, on some level, and this keeps the men keen and determined to 'prove' to them that they are worthy, and so eventually they end up in long term, committed relationships. I just can't bring myself to date people i don't like. So go out with men who i like, but they know i like them, and consequently there is not challenge and i'm the nice, boring girl. I'm 33 years old. It's almost 'times up' for me. I just know, from the core of my soul, that i will never find someone who wants to be with me (who i actually like and respect), so i have to take what i can get. And the only way to do that is accept how these men want to treat me. , this may seem strange, but I think your sadness may be a healthy sign that you are starting to have some compassion for yourself. A sign that you KNOW you deserve more than what you've been telling yourself is possible. So I think it may be okay to sit with the sadness and really experience it and think about what is making you sad. In other words, what are you not allowing yourself that you know you need and deserve? How does your current relationship not line up with your deepest values? When you think about your deepest values and your healthy self-loving standards for yourself, you may be able to start to shift things slowly. So sadness can be part of a very positive process. Congratulations may be in order! <3 I strongly disagree with you that it is not possible for you to find a relationship with a guy who wants to commit and not just to use you for sex. It is great that you don't date people you don't like, but have you given some thought to what you believe you "like"? Is it attractive to you when someone acts elusive and makes you feel inadequate? That is a common experience, nothing to be ashamed of but something to reflect on and work on, and there are lots of threads talking about what's behind the "fireworks" or "sparks" experience (often insecure attachment). (If anyone can link to those specific threads, please do!) Have you tried dating clearly nice (possibly boring-seeming) guys even if you don't feel drawn to them at first - just giving it a bit of time to see what develops? "Smell this a mile off"... to me this is a very concerning way to think about caring about someone and being attracted to them. Do you believe that your romantic feelings and attraction will always be a turn-off to prospective partners and be used against you in some kind of abuse of power dynamic? A secure partner will want to know that you are really into them and would not date you if this were not the case. Liking somebody is not a liability or weakness in a relationship with a secure partner but an absolute requirement. I don't know what your social circle is like... maybe you have lots of friends who have their own serious attachment issues on the avoidant spectrum and like to hold their partner at arm's length and feel less invested in the relationship in order to stuff down their feelings of vulnerability. But I can tell you that there are many, MANY relationships out there where nobody is trying to get a one-up on anyone else in terms of power and both people really like each other and it's not a struggle or mystery in any way. 33 is absolutely not too late. There are people who find happy relationships at absolutely every stage of the human lifespan. My grandpa was 80+ when he found a very loving and dedicated girlfriend after my grandma passed away. I'm 36 and I actually prefer to date people who are a little older than me. In saying all of this, I am not trying to suggest that the path forward is easy or obvious. I suspect that your attachment issues are deeply rooted - they are for most of us, as they helped us to survive when we were really young and helpless. Do you have any way of accessing counselling? It can be out of reach for lots of people financially, but maybe there are community-based organizations near you that offer reduced-fee counselling? Or places where counselling students have their practicum placements - often way cheaper? Or some services may be covered in a health benefits plan, if you have one? Keep posting here, too - it is free and I've seen many people do excellent work with support from others posters and start to see some changes in themselves. Very best wishes to you. *hugs offered* |
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