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Post by goldilocks on Oct 31, 2018 14:00:53 GMT
I disagree with you, I think that hyper-availability is a form of emotional unavailability, and accepting and staying in a relationship that is hardly there and does not meet your needs is makes you unavailable for a relationship with an emotionally available partner. You can't secure-base your way into someone's life in the hopes that they will become your secure base, but I understand your thinking because it's a classic AP move. I have done the "fixer-upper", many times. Your love is not big enough for the two of you to make this whole thing go round, and that is the hole we fall into as APs. Accepting less-than relationships that can only work if we disown our needs or work to change the other person are making us unavailable to the right relationships where we won't need to do that. You are emotionally unavailable if you need to "shave off" and disown parts of yourself in order to fit into a relationship and make it work, when you aren't your genuine self, when you hustle for love and try to become The Best Girlfriend Ever™ in the hopes you can win someone over, how can you be yourself and communicate your true needs and feelings, especially when they are suffocating to him so you have to become some misshapen version of yourself. If you would rather be in this desolate situation than be alone, it is worth having another think about whether that is having emotional availability for your own self. This is so true! From a DA-Earned secure perspective, I actually really got turned off when guys would bend over backwards to be compatible with me when the were not. There is someone out there who is more than willing to love them just as they are. What is worse is that the deep disrespect they are showing to their own self is going to clap back at some point in my opinion. I´d be afraid those angry disowned parts would come back with a vengeance, perhaps in a protest behaviour. A very good reason to steer clear! Also, I would not want someone who sees me as a `fixer upper` because I respect my own values and seek a partner who appreciates my innermost self. There is no need for someone to be perfect or to see me as perfect, people have salty moods, smelly feet, snore or whatever, everyone has flaws and that is okay. Buty being open and honest about who you are, what you need and what you value even if that means we have to conclude that we do not make the best lovers and are better off going seperate ways. Sure it is scary and sad to split from a potential beau, but not as sad as splitting from oneself. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2018 14:07:31 GMT
I disagree with you, I think that hyper-availability is a form of emotional unavailability, and accepting and staying in a relationship that is hardly there and does not meet your needs is makes you unavailable for a relationship with an emotionally available partner. You can't secure-base your way into someone's life in the hopes that they will become your secure base, but I understand your thinking because it's a classic AP move. I have done the "fixer-upper", many times. Your love is not big enough for the two of you to make this whole thing go round, and that is the hole we fall into as APs. Accepting less-than relationships that can only work if we disown our needs or work to change the other person are making us unavailable to the right relationships where we won't need to do that. You are emotionally unavailable if you need to "shave off" and disown parts of yourself in order to fit into a relationship and make it work, when you aren't your genuine self, when you hustle for love and try to become The Best Girlfriend Ever™ in the hopes you can win someone over, how can you be yourself and communicate your true needs and feelings, especially when they are suffocating to him so you have to become some misshapen version of yourself. If you would rather be in this desolate situation than be alone, it is worth having another think about whether that is having emotional availability for your own self. This is so true! From a DA-Earned secure perspective, I actually really got turned off when guys would bend over backwards to be compatible with me when the were not. There is someone out there who is more than willing to love them just as they are. What is worse is that the deep disrespect they are showing to their own self is going to clap back at some point in my opinion. I´d be afraid those angry disowned parts would come back with a vengeance, perhaps in a protest behaviour. A very good reason to steer clear! Also, I would not want someone who sees me as a `fixer upper` because I respect my own values and seek a partner who appreciates my innermost self. There is no need for someone to be perfect or to see me as perfect, people have salty moods, smelly feet, snore or whatever, everyone has flaws and that is okay. Buty being open and honest about who you are, what you need and what you value even if that means we have to conclude that we do not make the best lovers and are better off going seperate ways. Sure it is scary and sad to split from a potential beau, but not as sad as splitting from oneself. i couldn't have said this better, well done. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2018 17:14:59 GMT
I disagree with you, I think that hyper-availability is a form of emotional unavailability, and accepting and staying in a relationship that is hardly there and does not meet your needs is makes you unavailable for a relationship with an emotionally available partner. You can't secure-base your way into someone's life in the hopes that they will become your secure base, but I understand your thinking because it's a classic AP move. I have done the "fixer-upper", many times. Your love is not big enough for the two of you to make this whole thing go round, and that is the hole we fall into as APs. Accepting less-than relationships that can only work if we disown our needs or work to change the other person are making us unavailable to the right relationships where we won't need to do that. You are emotionally unavailable if you need to "shave off" and disown parts of yourself in order to fit into a relationship and make it work, when you aren't your genuine self, when you hustle for love and try to become The Best Girlfriend Ever™ in the hopes you can win someone over, how can you be yourself and communicate your true needs and feelings, especially when they are suffocating to him so you have to become some misshapen version of yourself. If you would rather be in this desolate situation than be alone, it is worth having another think about whether that is having emotional availability for your own self. This is so true! From a DA-Earned secure perspective, I actually really got turned off when guys would bend over backwards to be compatible with me when the were not. There is someone out there who is more than willing to love them just as they are. What is worse is that the deep disrespect they are showing to their own self is going to clap back at some point in my opinion. I´d be afraid those angry disowned parts would come back with a vengeance, perhaps in a protest behaviour. A very good reason to steer clear! Also, I would not want someone who sees me as a `fixer upper` because I respect my own values and seek a partner who appreciates my innermost self. There is no need for someone to be perfect or to see me as perfect, people have salty moods, smelly feet, snore or whatever, everyone has flaws and that is okay. Buty being open and honest about who you are, what you need and what you value even if that means we have to conclude that we do not make the best lovers and are better off going seperate ways. Sure it is scary and sad to split from a potential beau, but not as sad as splitting from oneself.You really just highlighted for me the pattern that was invisible for most of my life: the bending over backwards and expecting a return on a full investment of my entire identity at the expense of my own value system and needs. I think what makes me more amazed is that I would expect that investment at the expense of the other person's values too... like the cheek of me expecting that haha, and as you said, punish the other and myself with protest. The fantasy just ran so deep that I didn't even realise that I was being so manipulative. I actually now think that it's incredibly beautiful that we are all so nuanced when we stick by our value systems and allow our quirks to shine through, and how amazing it would be to really find a good fit that would actually work with our strange idiosyncrasies ... like that line in Good Will Hunting, that we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds and that's what intimacy is all about |
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Post by goldilocks on Oct 31, 2018 19:22:24 GMT
This is so true! From a DA-Earned secure perspective, I actually really got turned off when guys would bend over backwards to be compatible with me when the were not. There is someone out there who is more than willing to love them just as they are. What is worse is that the deep disrespect they are showing to their own self is going to clap back at some point in my opinion. I´d be afraid those angry disowned parts would come back with a vengeance, perhaps in a protest behaviour. A very good reason to steer clear! Also, I would not want someone who sees me as a `fixer upper` because I respect my own values and seek a partner who appreciates my innermost self. There is no need for someone to be perfect or to see me as perfect, people have salty moods, smelly feet, snore or whatever, everyone has flaws and that is okay. Buty being open and honest about who you are, what you need and what you value even if that means we have to conclude that we do not make the best lovers and are better off going seperate ways. Sure it is scary and sad to split from a potential beau, but not as sad as splitting from oneself.You really just highlighted for me the pattern that was invisible for most of my life: the bending over backwards and expecting a return on a full investment of my entire identity at the expense of my own value system and needs. I think what makes me more amazed is that I would expect that investment at the expense of the other person's values too... like the cheek of me expecting that haha, and as you said, punish the other and myself with protest. The fantasy just ran so deep that I didn't even realise that I was being so manipulative. I actually now think that it's incredibly beautiful that we are all so nuanced when we stick by our value systems and allow our quirks to shine through, and how amazing it would be to really find a good fit that would actually work with our strange idiosyncrasies ... like that line in Good Will Hunting, that we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds and that's what intimacy is all aboutThat is exactly right. I am a weird girl and fall in love with weird guys. Someone would just love the person you are hiding. You know what would be sad? If you wanted to play dungeons and dragons and have 250 pairs of heels and have a guy bring you chocolate coated strawberries in bed and get your toes sucked. You were pretending to enjoy watching the game with your guy (Because you went to a sports bar to meet men) wear sneakers because he is not into fussy chicks and thinks girls with lots of shoes are golddiggers, you pretend not to notice his beer belly and secretly lusted after the man next door. Meanwhile, the man next door would love to play dungeons and dragons, has a foot fetish and would gladly buy you new shoes every month as long as you would let him suck on your toes. Every person has the right to try to live according to their own values. I would say that especially with deeper values, if we don´t respect our own, we don´t respect those of others. While well intended, that is a form of violence. No one is perfectly authentic. I for one do not always succeed in living according to my values, but I find great satisfaction in the fact that at least my efforts are going towards what my values are. And even when someone disagrees with my values, being able to express them is important to me. |
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liz
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by liz on Oct 31, 2018 19:38:13 GMT
*Quickly runs to the next door and starts banging!*  |
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