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Post by tnr9 on Oct 27, 2018 4:53:07 GMT
I have been there more times than I can count! I definitely know how hard it is for sure. Writing it out on a Word doc, everything I want to say really does help- at the very least you purge those thoughts from your mind, or even saying what you want to say out loud can really help. When I have gone NC with my ex, whether he imposes it, or I do, after a few days I start to feel much better in terms of calmness and not fixating on him. Mind you, this takes time and working through simply not reaching out. What trips me up is when he finally reaches out, I get so easily sucked back in, and you know what? I actually feel A LOT worse. He reached out all of last weekend and this past week and prior to that, we were silent and I was starting to get clarity in my mind and my body felt calm- now? I'm an F-in' wreck again and we are speaking! So, my point is, maybe look at my example as a good reason to push through the silence to reclaim yourself. If he is leaving you alone, trust me from the bottom of my heart, its a blessing. Talking to friends, listening to Youtube videos etc can all help you when you really need it. Distractions are great, get busy! And just know, this will pass...i promise. I dunno kristyrose I've been NC for like 4 months now and I'm definitely not getting that sense of calm. If you are...have you considered blocking his number? I hate to see you in pain like this when it seems like you really do have the ability to move on. I still go to B's FB page even though he hasn't posted anything in ages....it is pathetic..but that is how I get my connection fix met. I could totally see myself still at this for 8.5 more years...it is already 1.5 years and I still want contact and a second chance. |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 27, 2018 4:58:11 GMT
I dunno kristyrose I've been NC for like 4 months now and I'm definitely not getting that sense of calm. If you are...have you considered blocking his number? I hate to see you in pain like this when it seems like you really do have the ability to move on. I still go to B's FB page even though he hasn't posted anything in ages....it is pathetic..but that is how I get my connection fix met. I could totally see myself still at this for 8.5 more years...it is already 1.5 years and I still want contact and a second chance. Yeah, I was doing that with my ex Instagram page for the last month and then she uploaded a new photo after a month of silence on monday....I wanted to die. So, lesson learned, no more checking Instagram. Deleted all of the entries in my search history and the autocomplete so that it isn't right there for me to get. I looked into blocking software too, but didn't find what I was looking for. I'd definitely reccomend you stop the FB stuff, when he uploads something new it is going to crush you. At least when you talk to the real him there is some real relating and some impact on him as well....the digital stalking is just masochism that nobody sees. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 10:12:37 GMT
I have been there more times than I can count! I definitely know how hard it is for sure. Writing it out on a Word doc, everything I want to say really does help- at the very least you purge those thoughts from your mind, or even saying what you want to say out loud can really help. When I have gone NC with my ex, whether he imposes it, or I do, after a few days I start to feel much better in terms of calmness and not fixating on him. Mind you, this takes time and working through simply not reaching out. What trips me up is when he finally reaches out, I get so easily sucked back in, and you know what? I actually feel A LOT worse. He reached out all of last weekend and this past week and prior to that, we were silent and I was starting to get clarity in my mind and my body felt calm- now? I'm an F-in' wreck again and we are speaking! So, my point is, maybe look at my example as a good reason to push through the silence to reclaim yourself. If he is leaving you alone, trust me from the bottom of my heart, its a blessing. Talking to friends, listening to Youtube videos etc can all help you when you really need it. Distractions are great, get busy! And just know, this will pass...i promise. [b I you thought about blocking him for now. Kirsty you have been thru the mill with your ex. To hear you doing so well is wonderful when he leaves you be. That is why I mentioned blocking him for you sanity ❤️ |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 27, 2018 11:11:55 GMT
You dont want to block on SM, mute them. Im not a blocker unless someone is cray cray, I just mute so I cant see their stuff. My guy is on mute and his phone number is deleted. Frankly this is the first guy Ive dated that is on my social media. This is new for me on this end. haha! If you cant help yourself, deactivate your social media for now. Social media is a black hole of feels! LOL Ive been dark on FB/IG since May, it was partly him and my new business venture, I cut out any distractions. I just ran my business accounts. I just opened my personal IG back up this past month. FB I dont care to have back, its just noise there. I dont need it to see family and friends. I do like IG, its not as much throw up of people drama, etc. LOL. My personal IG is more hobby related. Hes 'stalking' me on social media right now... kristyrose Ive been sucked back in too and felt worse but that was months back when I was in more of that anxious state before I stumbled upon attachment. Ive become a bit indifferent now, my secure side has kicked out the anxious-ness. I do know that feeling though... I will have to cross this bridge again! LOL I know he will be back. Hes going to come back different this time after what I said or the same crap and I'll really be done. I don't expect change over night at all because thats unrealistic but, I expect effort put in if he really wants me in his life.
I do write him letters and I burn them, its therapeutic. It helps me release since we are not taking. I actually write not type. Typing doesn't 'purge' as well for me over actually writing it and burning it leaves it to the universe.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 27, 2018 11:43:04 GMT
I still go to B's FB page even though he hasn't posted anything in ages....it is pathetic..but that is how I get my connection fix met. I could totally see myself still at this for 8.5 more years...it is already 1.5 years and I still want contact and a second chance. Yeah, I was doing that with my ex Instagram page for the last month and then she uploaded a new photo after a month of silence on monday....I wanted to die. So, lesson learned, no more checking Instagram. Deleted all of the entries in my search history and the autocomplete so that it isn't right there for me to get. I looked into blocking software too, but didn't find what I was looking for. I'd definitely reccomend you stop the FB stuff, when he uploads something new it is going to crush you. At least when you talk to the real him there is some real relating and some impact on him as well....the digital stalking is just masochism that nobody sees. The whole checking thing was the reason I left the community FB page. I stopped checking his IM and that was actually a huge victory.....and at some point, I will likely slow down the FB page checking...just need to sit with myself and understand why no contact is so scary. |
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 27, 2018 12:20:34 GMT
I’m one of those kind of people who doesn’t know or can’t do no contact. When I stop contacting someone is because I feel that I don’t have anything to say to them anymore or if they are the ones who don’t want any contact with me, than I have to respect their decision.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 14:28:18 GMT
10 years? Fuck. Good thoughts otherwise though. What can I say, I'm a nostalgic, loyal, idealistic person who is not good at letting go  I'd still like to reconcile someday, but it took me 10 years to decide to (or be able to) stop wondering if I should reach out. Maybe this will help someone. My past ex tried reaching out to me almost every day for 9 years and we never got back together. |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 27, 2018 14:33:18 GMT
What can I say, I'm a nostalgic, loyal, idealistic person who is not good at letting go I'd still like to reconcile someday, but it took me 10 years to decide to (or be able to) stop wondering if I should reach out. Maybe this will help someone. My past ex tried reaching out to me almost every day for 9 years and we never got back together. Wow Mary, 9yrs! I'm surprised you didn't block them. How old were you/them? Did it have any impact on you? Did you care about them at all at this point? |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 14:41:11 GMT
if i could describe the complete indifference and lack of interest that settles in to me when i have left a relationship, it might be stunning and eye opening.
it's not that i am heartless.
it's not that i never felt anything.
it's not that i have some magical power over my emotions and just turn the switch off on this undying love within me, tortured by my internal conflicts and unsure what to do.
it's that when i am done, emotionally, i am done.
i know what didn't work.
i'm not going back.
i don't even consider it.
this length of time that has passed, is substantial. if i were to want to try a failed dynamic again it wouldn't be months down the line. it would be weeks, and my ex would know about it because i would just say
"i think we might be able to try something else to make this work."
DA tend to be direct, after all.
if we want something we go get it.
i've never sat back and tortured myself over something i wanted to achieve, not even in relationship.
i know how to make an effort, to at least initiate.
if i'm not initiating, it's because for whatever reason, it's not a seriously viable thing in my mind. i've let go, or am in the process, and i'm not turning back.
i've gone another direction.
this is just how it works for me, having DA attachment style, earned secure. when i'm done i'm done. nobody will alter my course, i'm going my way.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 15:03:17 GMT
and in an attitude of kindness, and also stark realism, understanding that the AP pitfall is holding on way past a relationship's expiration date,
i have to admit that these accounts of pining for a long gone DA are painful and uncomfortable to read simply because they are so unrealistic and seem somewhat delusional.
i am not wanting to be insulting or demeaning.
but that is my honest perspective, delivered without judgement, and in utter honesty.
you guys have to keep focused on how to stop the madness because it's extremely detrimental to you and the reconciliation narrative is fantasy.
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 27, 2018 15:58:06 GMT
I think the problem about NC is that many people use it to make the other person miss them. This method will certainly work for some people but not to everybody. Under my break ups I never did NC. I contacted my exes at the beginning, not because I wanted them back but because I missed talking to them and cutting them away from my life so fast didn’t seem been the right thing to do. I have some kind of contact with two of my exes. I’m rarely the one who iniates contact with them today but I still think it’s funny talking to them.
The only guy I don’t feel like I contacting efter efter the breakup is my “ex” DA. And it was really confusing even for myself as I prefer to gradually decrease contact. I seriously thought I was making some kind of protest behavior or deactivating but no, I realized that I didn’t have anything to say but I do answer when/if he contacts me.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 27, 2018 16:58:49 GMT
and in an attitude of kindness, and also stark realism, understanding that the AP pitfall is holding on way past a relationship's expiration date, i have to admit that these accounts of pining for a long gone DA are painful and uncomfortable to read simply because they are so unrealistic and seem somewhat delusional. i am not wanting to be insulting or demeaning. but that is my honest perspective, delivered without judgement, and in utter honesty. you guys have to keep focused on how to stop the madness because it's extremely detrimental to you and the reconciliation narrative is fantasy. Hey, Juniper...yes, DA’s use logic and cut and release much faster than an AP, but I don’t think getting back together with an ex is pure fantasy. Couples do get back together- my ex husband and I got back together after a two year separation. Stayed together after that for 15 years. My in-laws separated for two years also and then reconciled. Many couples do this. People can learn from their mistakes and failures what they should have done differently- this most recent break opened up my eyes to attachment trauma and all my blind spots regarding my AP ways. Loss is a great motivator. I believe anything is possible. |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 27, 2018 17:24:39 GMT
I have been there more times than I can count! I definitely know how hard it is for sure. Writing it out on a Word doc, everything I want to say really does help- at the very least you purge those thoughts from your mind, or even saying what you want to say out loud can really help. When I have gone NC with my ex, whether he imposes it, or I do, after a few days I start to feel much better in terms of calmness and not fixating on him. Mind you, this takes time and working through simply not reaching out. What trips me up is when he finally reaches out, I get so easily sucked back in, and you know what? I actually feel A LOT worse. He reached out all of last weekend and this past week and prior to that, we were silent and I was starting to get clarity in my mind and my body felt calm- now? I'm an F-in' wreck again and we are speaking! So, my point is, maybe look at my example as a good reason to push through the silence to reclaim yourself. If he is leaving you alone, trust me from the bottom of my heart, its a blessing. Talking to friends, listening to Youtube videos etc can all help you when you really need it. Distractions are great, get busy! And just know, this will pass...i promise. I dunno kristyrose I've been NC for like 4 months now and I'm definitely not getting that sense of calm. If you are...have you considered blocking his number? I hate to see you in pain like this when it seems like you really do have the ability to move on. I should clarify, I get calmness initially after maybe the first week or two of NC, then there is some more pain, but then calmness again. It doesn't mean I'm not hurting and thinking of him, it just means I can start to put him aside here and there and not ruminate. The longest I went was 2 months and slowly I started to feel a bit better, again, this is in the context of feeling absolutely panicked and distraught, so I went from a 10 to like an 8.5 which in those moments is relieving. He kept reaching out and I finally gave in, so my point is, had I stayed the course, I would have continued to heal, though I do not think I wouldn't feel pain and occasional rumination, I mean it was a good kick start for me. If that makes sense? My ex recently reached out and I gave in again, thats the part that is too hard for me right now. He is overseas so the distance will help, we agreed to talk about what a friendship could look like when he gets back, with the understanding that I'm not interested in what he is laying out right now. I think while he is gone, he will cherish his freedom and most likely not want to engage for some time even when he returns. I dont know for sure but given he tends to act on whatever he's feeling, I think that is possible. As for me, it's hard to have started contact again, especially when he ignored me then came back and I wasn't strong enough to stay away. I feel like I have to hit the reset button to get my bearings back. |
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Post by kristyrose on Oct 27, 2018 17:29:35 GMT
I have been there more times than I can count! I definitely know how hard it is for sure. Writing it out on a Word doc, everything I want to say really does help- at the very least you purge those thoughts from your mind, or even saying what you want to say out loud can really help. When I have gone NC with my ex, whether he imposes it, or I do, after a few days I start to feel much better in terms of calmness and not fixating on him. Mind you, this takes time and working through simply not reaching out. What trips me up is when he finally reaches out, I get so easily sucked back in, and you know what? I actually feel A LOT worse. He reached out all of last weekend and this past week and prior to that, we were silent and I was starting to get clarity in my mind and my body felt calm- now? I'm an F-in' wreck again and we are speaking! So, my point is, maybe look at my example as a good reason to push through the silence to reclaim yourself. If he is leaving you alone, trust me from the bottom of my heart, its a blessing. Talking to friends, listening to Youtube videos etc can all help you when you really need it. Distractions are great, get busy! And just know, this will pass...i promise. I second what Epic said- if you do so much better in nc and then he reaches out...Would you be able to block him? I blocked my ex husband in every way 3 years ago and I never regretted it. It was the way to gain peace and move forward... I should but I cannot bring myself to do it. I don't even like going NC - but there are times when he just goes silent so its forced upon me anyway until he eventually reaches out. I think given how we both respond to one another, telling each other that we are blocking and ending things looks like the only way. I don't want to hurt him and I know he doesn't want to hurt me either. We can't detach but there is no hope in being together, the half-in half-out way we engage hurts us both. When he said he feels trapped, I think that its his ambivalence that causes him to strongly pursue , then run away fast and of course I'd feel trapped in that as well. I feel trapped in the push/pull and desire to keep finding a different outcome that will never come. Idk, time and distance seems to help, if not calm things down for a while, but the bigger solution is too hard for us to face right now. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 27, 2018 19:35:15 GMT
It isn't the NC that is healing, it is the work that gets done during NC. In the case of higher anxiety insecure attachments, that usually involves some focus and reflection on one's self and rebuilding of self confidence. NC can make it easier by taking away an anxiety trigger and taking away the distraction of what is my love interest doing, how can I influence that person? If NC involves continuous rumination, then progress will be very slow if at all, and then contact or not doesn't really matter.
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