Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2018 23:48:04 GMT
I just want to catch the board up with where i'm at.
i've been through a bunch the last couple years,
and had some big hits. most recently, the death of my mother and in quick succession, the death of my best friend who was like a mom or auntie to me.
i'm healing up.
for the past two years, i've been in a relationship with a fellow dismissive, which grew me a lot.
i've worked hard on my own internal issues, struggled through deactivation time and time again, and found within myself the desire and capacity to commit to a long term, solid relationship. I have the ability to be consistent. To be intimate, open, and vulnerable.
My partner didn't embark on the same deep work i did. I love him, i respect him, i care deeply about him. He has been simply unable to remain consistent with me, and in my time of greatest need, was unable to be present and available to me in the ways that i needed.
I became weary of the cycle, weary of the let down, and made the choice to lovingly let him go.
The choice was painful but deep inside, i know, necessary.
It felt like loving me, first, and believing that the right partner for me, can love like i am now able to love, and show up how i am now able to show up.
He was sad but deeply respectful and supportive and understanding. he is still in the thick of figuring this out. we made it so far together, we both grew so much. but i'm ready for relaxing into something that i can count on. And i can be counted on.
We remain friends, and have a special bond that i believe will endure. I've backed away from contact to give space, i believe he is grieving harder than i not because i cared less,but because he still suffers under the weight of so much. the contact that we have had is around the loss of our mutual friend and our warm wishes for each other's best.
In the meantime, one of the "Angel Squad" of men from our gym, who became my support network as i cared for my dying friend, fell in love with me, and indeed, has swept me off my feet with his kindness, respect, care, genuine openness, and emotional availability. We've known each other two years, and became more acquainted through the illness and death of our mutual friend. We came to know each other in a way that showed who and what we are, when we are loving with all we've got.
A DA woman, swept off her feet? lol. No, an earned secure formerly dismissive woman. I wouldn't say i'm all the way there. But, going into this, i have been open about the areas i still am growing. and i have asked for his help.
He tests secure with a good dollop of Anxious, about the same i test as dismissive.
It's been a great balance, and very comfortable, and comforting. I appreciate his forward movement into the relationship. When he first began pursuing me, i was very hesitant and inert, and missed some cues. but i recognized it and asked him to keep coming at me, be patient: and let me adjust and practice courtship in his way which i am totally down for, just unaccustomed to.
it's been great.
it's early days; but i feel good. i feel blessed. i feel reciprocated, and i feel at peace. my last partner gives his blessing to us both; which is poignant and sad but also a relief.
i haven't wanted to hurt anyone, least of all, myself.
So, it's a new journey, i feel like i have a compass.
i have new things to share about what i see an anxiously inclined individual brings to a relationship, which in a foundation of some security, is a tremendous asset. it's been refreshing actually. Very warm.
Anyway, that's all for now, i'm headed to my sweetheart's house for dinner. who woulda thunk. 🌸
did not see this coming.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 28, 2018 0:13:43 GMT
I just want to catch the board up with where i'm at. i've been through a bunch the last couple years, and had some big hits. most recently, the death of my mother and in quick succession, the death of my best friend who was like a mom or auntie to me. i'm healing up. for the past two years, i've been in a relationship with a fellow dismissive, which grew me a lot. i've worked hard on my own internal issues, struggled through deactivation time and time again, and found within myself the desire and capacity to commit to a long term, solid relationship. I have the ability to be consistent. To be intimate, open, and vulnerable. My partner didn't embark on the same deep work i did. I love him, i respect him, i care deeply about him. He has been simply unable to remain consistent with me, and in my time of greatest need, was unable to be present and available to me in the ways that i needed. I became weary of the cycle, weary of the let down, and made the choice to lovingly let him go. The choice was painful but deep inside, i know, necessary. It felt like loving me, first, and believing that the right partner for me, can love like i am now able to love, and show up how i am now able to show up. He was sad but deeply respectful and supportive and understanding. he is still in the thick of figuring this out. we made it so far together, we both grew so much. but i'm ready for relaxing into something that i can count on. And i can be counted on. We remain friends, and have a special bond that i believe will endure. I've backed away from contact to give space, i believe he is grieving harder than i not because i cared less,but because he still suffers under the weight of so much. the contact that we have had is around the loss of our mutual friend and our warm wishes for each other's best. In the meantime, one of the "Angel Squad" of men from our gym, who became my support network as i cared for my dying friend, fell in love with me, and indeed, has swept me off my feet with his kindness, respect, care, genuine openness, and emotional availability. We've known each other two years, and became more acquainted through the illness and death of our mutual friend. We came to know each other in a way that showed who and what we are, when we are loving with all we've got. A DA woman, swept off her feet? lol. No, an earned secure formerly dismissive woman. I wouldn't say i'm all the way there. But, going into this, i have been open about the areas i still am growing. and i have asked for his help. He tests secure with a good dollop of Anxious, about the same i test as dismissive. It's been a great balance, and very comfortable, and comforting. I appreciate his forward movement into the relationship. When he first began pursuing me, i was very hesitant and inert, and missed some cues. but i recognized it and asked him to keep coming at me, be patient: and let me adjust and practice courtship in his way which i am totally down for, just unaccustomed to. it's been great. it's early days; but i feel good. i feel blessed. i feel reciprocated, and i feel at peace. my last partner gives his blessing to us both; which is poignant and sad but also a relief. i haven't wanted to hurt anyone, least of all, myself. So, it's a new journey, i feel like i have a compass. i have new things to share about what i see an anxiously inclined individual brings to a relationship, which in a foundation of some security, is a tremendous asset. it's been refreshing actually. Very warm. Anyway, that's all for now, i'm headed to my sweetheart's house for dinner. who woulda thunk. 🌸 did not see this coming. Awe...happy for you!! 🌺❤️ |
|
|
|
Post by blueunif on Oct 28, 2018 1:58:27 GMT
Really happy for you and thank you for your great contributions which I am still wading through - they have helped me a lot. What goes around comes around eh.  |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Oct 28, 2018 2:28:57 GMT
I just want to catch the board up with where i'm at. i've been through a bunch the last couple years, and had some big hits. most recently, the death of my mother and in quick succession, the death of my best friend who was like a mom or auntie to me. i'm healing up. for the past two years, i've been in a relationship with a fellow dismissive, which grew me a lot. i've worked hard on my own internal issues, struggled through deactivation time and time again, and found within myself the desire and capacity to commit to a long term, solid relationship. I have the ability to be consistent. To be intimate, open, and vulnerable. My partner didn't embark on the same deep work i did. I love him, i respect him, i care deeply about him. He has been simply unable to remain consistent with me, and in my time of greatest need, was unable to be present and available to me in the ways that i needed. I became weary of the cycle, weary of the let down, and made the choice to lovingly let him go. The choice was painful but deep inside, i know, necessary. It felt like loving me, first, and believing that the right partner for me, can love like i am now able to love, and show up how i am now able to show up. He was sad but deeply respectful and supportive and understanding. he is still in the thick of figuring this out. we made it so far together, we both grew so much. but i'm ready for relaxing into something that i can count on. And i can be counted on. We remain friends, and have a special bond that i believe will endure. I've backed away from contact to give space, i believe he is grieving harder than i not because i cared less,but because he still suffers under the weight of so much. the contact that we have had is around the loss of our mutual friend and our warm wishes for each other's best. In the meantime, one of the "Angel Squad" of men from our gym, who became my support network as i cared for my dying friend, fell in love with me, and indeed, has swept me off my feet with his kindness, respect, care, genuine openness, and emotional availability. We've known each other two years, and became more acquainted through the illness and death of our mutual friend. We came to know each other in a way that showed who and what we are, when we are loving with all we've got. A DA woman, swept off her feet? lol. No, an earned secure formerly dismissive woman. I wouldn't say i'm all the way there. But, going into this, i have been open about the areas i still am growing. and i have asked for his help. He tests secure with a good dollop of Anxious, about the same i test as dismissive. It's been a great balance, and very comfortable, and comforting. I appreciate his forward movement into the relationship. When he first began pursuing me, i was very hesitant and inert, and missed some cues. but i recognized it and asked him to keep coming at me, be patient: and let me adjust and practice courtship in his way which i am totally down for, just unaccustomed to. it's been great. it's early days; but i feel good. i feel blessed. i feel reciprocated, and i feel at peace. my last partner gives his blessing to us both; which is poignant and sad but also a relief. i haven't wanted to hurt anyone, least of all, myself. So, it's a new journey, i feel like i have a compass. i have new things to share about what i see an anxiously inclined individual brings to a relationship, which in a foundation of some security, is a tremendous asset. it's been refreshing actually. Very warm. Anyway, that's all for now, i'm headed to my sweetheart's house for dinner. who woulda thunk. 🌸 did not see this coming. Sorry for your loss, but happy for your new journey! hugs and much love! |
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Oct 28, 2018 6:41:32 GMT
I’m sorry for the sad things you experienced but happy that good things are on your way!
|
|
andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
|
Post by andy on Oct 28, 2018 7:44:21 GMT
So good to get your update, juniper. Wishing you fulfillment, connection, comfort and peace during this time of huge transformation. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2018 9:22:57 GMT
A lesson for all APs who want to alter their behavior for their ex or think "only if I were more secure..."
You do that and things will be good... when they're good. But when the tougher time comes, they won't be there for you; you'll be on your own. No matter how much you love them and how much you want them to stay, that's not partnership.
Both partners have to equally work on improving themselves and a relationship.
Good for you, Juni.
|
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Oct 28, 2018 10:10:00 GMT
Juni, you deserve the very best in love. Your journey it's inspiring and I'm very happy you can be with someone that is there for you. You've gone through a lot 💐💐
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Oct 28, 2018 13:24:02 GMT
Good for you. I hope mine will get here one day even if its not with me. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2018 15:24:25 GMT
juniper , I am so happy for you! I'm glad you are healing and things are going well with your new sweetie.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2018 17:20:46 GMT
thank you for all the warmth and kindness.
i had no idea this was around the corner for me, but all the work i did i guess made me ready. it's been hard and i've been really discouraged at times.
but this has been easy and natural.
i have so much to share about it.
i'm still knocked down, physically- my immune system seems to have taken a real hit from the continuous intensity of my life over the last few months and i'm trying to get healthy and strong again, i've been puny and sick more than ever.
but i'll share more about this new process when i am back to feeling more like myself!
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Oct 28, 2018 17:28:26 GMT
Sending supportive hugs while you rest and take care of you.❤️❤️❤️
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Oct 28, 2018 20:24:25 GMT
I just want to catch the board up with where i'm at. i've been through a bunch the last couple years, and had some big hits. most recently, the death of my mother and in quick succession, the death of my best friend who was like a mom or auntie to me. i'm healing up. for the past two years, i've been in a relationship with a fellow dismissive, which grew me a lot. i've worked hard on my own internal issues, struggled through deactivation time and time again, and found within myself the desire and capacity to commit to a long term, solid relationship. I have the ability to be consistent. To be intimate, open, and vulnerable. My partner didn't embark on the same deep work i did. I love him, i respect him, i care deeply about him. He has been simply unable to remain consistent with me, and in my time of greatest need, was unable to be present and available to me in the ways that i needed.
I became weary of the cycle, weary of the let down, and made the choice to lovingly let him go.
The choice was painful but deep inside, i know, necessary.
It felt like loving me, first, and believing that the right partner for me, can love like i am now able to love, and show up how i am now able to show up.
He was sad but deeply respectful and supportive and understanding. he is still in the thick of figuring this out. we made it so far together, we both grew so much. but i'm ready for relaxing into something that i can count on. And i can be counted on. We remain friends, and have a special bond that i believe will endure. I've backed away from contact to give space, i believe he is grieving harder than i not because i cared less,but because he still suffers under the weight of so much. the contact that we have had is around the loss of our mutual friend and our warm wishes for each other's best. In the meantime, one of the "Angel Squad" of men from our gym, who became my support network as i cared for my dying friend, fell in love with me, and indeed, has swept me off my feet with his kindness, respect, care, genuine openness, and emotional availability. We've known each other two years, and became more acquainted through the illness and death of our mutual friend. We came to know each other in a way that showed who and what we are, when we are loving with all we've got. A DA woman, swept off her feet? lol. No, an earned secure formerly dismissive woman. I wouldn't say i'm all the way there. But, going into this, i have been open about the areas i still am growing. and i have asked for his help. He tests secure with a good dollop of Anxious, about the same i test as dismissive. It's been a great balance, and very comfortable, and comforting. I appreciate his forward movement into the relationship. When he first began pursuing me, i was very hesitant and inert, and missed some cues. but i recognized it and asked him to keep coming at me, be patient: and let me adjust and practice courtship in his way which i am totally down for, just unaccustomed to. it's been great. it's early days; but i feel good. i feel blessed. i feel reciprocated, and i feel at peace. my last partner gives his blessing to us both; which is poignant and sad but also a relief. i haven't wanted to hurt anyone, least of all, myself. So, it's a new journey, i feel like i have a compass. i have new things to share about what i see an anxiously inclined individual brings to a relationship, which in a foundation of some security, is a tremendous asset. it's been refreshing actually. Very warm. Anyway, that's all for now, i'm headed to my sweetheart's house for dinner. who woulda thunk. 🌸 did not see this coming. Juniper - how very brave of you - there can be real comfort (actually not real comfort, but a feeling of security from a familiar dynamic), for avoidants paired with other avoidants and to let go of such a coupling and recognise and admit a need for a partner who really has your back consistently is a big step. A big step of self love and of courage since it takes such to actually move from the comfort zone of familiarity and to see yourself as deserving. What magic that such a partner showed up at such a time. How amazing to have been able to lay yourself bare and open and welcome such support. Also, if you are anything like me, rocking the boat and making these kind of changes can be a true challenge in itself. A compass is all that's needed to navigate these things - there are no certainties or happy ever afters |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2018 23:35:14 GMT
ocarina, it is like magic that he showed up at such a time.i had ended the relationship with my previous partner (in an amicable and mutually understood way) during the illness of my friend, because it was critical for me to focus on relationships that could be totally present and supportive during this time. This guy was such a guy- that pulled in close to support me in every way. in fact, he was my dear friend's favorite man on the planet, because of his character and kindness. she shared her thoughts about him with me before she passed, but i had no idea he was falling for me at that point as we cared for her. i wish she could have seen us together while she was alive. she would have been so blessed and proud. she really would. she always told me , Juni, find a man who will take care of you and support you. I became so annoyed with her about this, i told her i'm not like that, i don't need it. i realized before she passed, that she was correct, and that my heart wanted to not settle, and that i would never settle again. because i know what i can bring to a relationship, and i believe in myself. and i really want the same in return. she was happy i at least told her these things. i was finally at peace with my vision for a relationship, and content to be patient. really. that was the deal. and then this guy, it's been really nice and i feel good. relaxed, i feel just relaxed about myself and our process of discovery and warmth. he takes care of me in such loving and supportive ways. i am accustomed to being an overachiever when it comes to taking care of mine. even dismissive, im a caregiver by profession and nature and i've always been good at taking care. i just have avoided true intimacy. and never felt i had the capacity to develop it. i simply never ever had anyone take care of me like this and it's very healing to me. i haven't much to give right now, but he's ok with that because he saw my last two years, he witnessed the difficulty i faced. so we are really just trying to let me rest and heal and recover my strength. i'm tired. i cried about my mother the for the first time since she passed when he held me. i just felt sad about all the pain she caused, actually. i don't miss her. i really don't. but i think i haven't allowed myself to grieve what she did to me at the end because i felt guilty for feeling that instead of missing her and mourning her. but when he held me and listened to me i realized i just feel so sad about what she did. so that's something. he was a really safe place for me to feel.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Oct 29, 2018 0:28:33 GMT
That is huge, juniper. That's fantastic that you've been able to open up so much to him and around him and let him be there with no talk of deactivating afterwards. I'm glad you're processing your feelings about your mother, as well. It sounds like your dear friend continues to be a blessing even after she's passed on. |
|
