Does Ignoring Me Mean "Go away and leave me alone"?

Thanks, I think you're right, in that anything gets interpreted negatively.

In fact, one of the last times we met, we had a great evening, and she brought up the possibility of getting back together. She expressed that it would be hard for her, as we weren't living together anymore, and she'd struggle on the days we were apart, but had been thinking about it, and was open to trying. I even suggested moving back in, but she'd signed a one year lease on her new place, and saw that as an obstacle. Things were happy and fun. After dinner, I went to pay, and said I'd take her home, as I knew she had an early start, but out of nowhere she snapped at me. She mistakenly took my offer to take her home as meaning I wanted to get rid of her early, and when I explained she laughed and said "yeah, yeah, abandonment issues".

Afterwards she was flirty again, but I didn't push it, and we parted on really good terms, with her reluctant for me to leave. It's funny, because she always seemed to respond well when I was pushy and more assertive with her but, given her hot and cold behaviour, I was being more cautious. She has opened the door a couple of times and, whilst I think I tried to move things forward, she resisted, but would then get impatient and say I was guarded and wanted to take things slowly.

It was a week later that she started to become more distant, and that coincided exactly with her deferring her assignments because she couldn't concentrate on anything since we split. I imagine she decided that she had to focus on work/studies and so pulled away to do that.

I thought I was doing the right thing by calling and telling her that I knew she had a lot on her plate, and so I'd give her a bit of space, and so never expected her to get angry at that. Maybe she took that as rejection, or me being impatient and backing off.

Either way, she's ignored the couple of attempts I've made to reach out since. It would be easy if she just said she didn't feel the same anymore, as I'd accept that, but if anything she's always said the opposite, and that she hates being apart, but then resists getting back together. So she won't close the door, but won't open it fully either.

I suppose I'm trying to understand what the silent treatment means, rather than just telling me to stop contacting her. I mean it could be:

a) She's given up and is moving on, so leave her alone, but in which case why not say, as she's always been open before, and we were on friendly terms, and she knows I'd accept that and wouldn't bother her anymore.

b) Punishing me for pro actively giving her space, and appearing to back off, as she did get angry at that.

c) Genuine confusion, and a need for some space, to clear her head, and so leaving the door open, and seeing if I'll stick around or move on.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, it helps.

Haha, I'm pretty sure asking her wouldn't work at all:)

It's also hard to know just how much impact normal emotions have, when mixed with such feelings. After all, with anyone else it would be easy. The feelings still seem to be there, very strongly, and there's no real falling out between us, and so a bit of space would usually result in them reaching out when emotions have cooled, and things being able to be resolved if possible.

However, with someone that you know is always nervous and scared about reaching out, and thinks you might have moved on, even though it was them who did the leaving, it leaves you feeling that you have to be the one to make the effort and do any initiating.

That has always been the case with her, and I don't mind, as I'm used to it. But it's that much harder to know the best way to do it, when you're not getting any feedback. I mean I have a lot of insight into how she feels and acts, but genuinely don't know if someone with an avoidant nature would tell you to stop trying if that's what they wanted, or ignore you and see what you do. At best I'd guess that if she was angry she'd tell me to get lost; but saying nothing could be indifference, genuine uncertainty, or trying to let go and move on and not knowing how or if to express that.

Hi HowPredicatable1

Thanks so much for taking the time to offer your perspective on my own predicament. I totally agree that it could it be any number of things, or a combination of factors.

I guess I can rule out guilt, or failing to meet my expectations though. When she raised the possibility of getting back together, the biggest obstacle was that we were no longer living together, and that whilst she could stay certain days at mine, she would find the other days very painful, even though she now only lives about a 10 minute walk away ( is that severe pain of missing someone something you can explain/relate to?) It's something I understand, but find hard to relate to, as I said that she could call me whenever she felt like that, and if she wanted I'd come and get her, but whilst she will admit to some neediness, she hates to show it. Of course I also suggested moving back in, but she's signed a one year lease. As a result, I didn't set any expectations, and was pretty easy going about doing whatever she felt comfortable with.

Looking back, she was very nervous when she raised the subject, and said she'd been giving it some thought and thought maybe she could manage her fears. Unusually, it was also her who suggested to meet that day, and she was very flirty, almost deliberately so. I'm pretty certain that had I made any advances she would have responded. In fact the only reason I didn't was that she has this thing about not letting anyone into her home. I asked to come in, and she hesitated, and seemed to consider it, but I didn't push. In fact the minute she went indoors she sent me a text to thank me for the evening, and to ask me to tell her when I got home safely, and when I said I was still waiting for a bus she came back down to wait with me. Over the next couple of days she talked about plans for hanging out further, and then a week later things reversed.

In hindsight, I'd say that perhaps rather than guilt at not being able to live up to my expectations, she may have felt I wasn't enthusiastic enough by not being more insistent on her moving back in, or not responding more assertively to her flirting. However, a day or two, later she was ok and still making plans for future dates. We did discuss things again briefly, but she said she was still confused and didn't want to think about it until after her exams later that week, to which I said ok, and wouldn't pressure her, and would accept whatever she decided.

It's tough, because to most people my desires and intentions are clear, and moderated only to not pressurise on someone. However, not long after breaking up, even after I was initiating things, and making plans to see her, she was worried that I didn't think about her, and had moved on.

If that was all there was to it then it's easy. I was hesitant, which gave her doubt, and so I'd just need to be more positive. However there was a further problem, in that when the time came she decided not to take the exams, and to defer them for a year, which I know was because she couldn't concentrate on anything because she said she'd been missing me. So, my best guess is that she pulled away to clear her head and regain her focus on work studies.

I guess then my questions are:

1. If that's true, why would she have got angry at me calling her to say I'd give her space once I saw her backing off. Maybe I didn't expect a thank you, but we were on very good terms when we last met/spoke and so I'd have at least expected a more positive response.

2. No doubt she's upset at deferring her exams, and at the very least the fault lies with the situation, and probably I got blamed. If so, does that dissipate over time, as she calms down?

3. She's never completely ignored me before. In fact when she's angry she's happy to tell me she's done for good, even if she might take it back later. In fact after we split, she asked me why I never called or texted her, and when I reminded her of the angry text she sent, she said "you know me, I get angry and then calm down after a couple of days". So, is the silence likely to be temporary, until she's figured out what she wants, and so is buying time, or a message for me to get lost?

4. Would you reply and tell someone to just leave it, if that's what you'd decided, or just ignore them, given you'd never ignored them before?

I should add, that even though we broke up because I shouted at her, she's never brought that up once since. She's always been complimentary towards me, and said that I'm the only person she can talk to, who understands her, and doesn't react to her moods and knows how to handle them. If anything, the only negatives she'd said is that I'm guarded with my feelings, and the week that she was flirty began with her snapping a little at me for suggesting we take things slow after she called me crying, and saying how she couldn't think of anything else, and was worried that I'd moved on and met someone else.

So, despite the logical reasons for wanting to shut off and move on, there are strong emotional feelings in the other direction. As I said in my post, I want to show that I'm still here for her if that's what she wants, so that she's not scared of being rejected if she wants to draw back again, but equally I don't want to push her away if she's not ready and still in either an undecided or avoidant phase. I've also made it clear that I'd understand and accept if she didn't want to get back together, so she could easily just tell me that and know I wouldn't make a fuss about it.

Right now I've sent one text, a week or so after the phone call, another a week later, both of which were light, but both ignored, and so have sent nothing for the last 10 days. I'm guessing that anything more frequent will just add pressure and make things worse, and so am trying to leave enough time for any pressure to reset, but not too much that she thinks I've given up. Or do you think that if she thinks I've given up that might prompt a response, or just a running away?

If I do reach out again, any suggestions on the best way to approach it. In some ways I'm inclined to just act as though everything's normal, and I'm not fazed by anything, and see if she just rolls with it. Would that be infuriating, or easier and less stressful to respond to, than something more direct?

Sorry for such a long post, but you're the nearest thing to an oracle on this:)

Hi and thanks again.

You're right, I had at first considered bpd and did a lot of reading up on it. What similarities could you see?

I could see some similarities, but equally some things not the same. For example there was no initial "love bombing" or over idealisation. Sure, we got on great, but had known each other a while, and whilst she was happy to live together, she was guarded in her emotions and resistant to the idea of love. Sure, she'd say how she loved being with me, but equally would call me an unfeeling a-hole, often in good humour though, so she always tempered any good feelings towards me, rather than over idealised.

In fact, even though she would sometimes push me to say how I felt, she would visibly cringe at anything romantic, and hates romantic gestures like flowers. Equally there was no devaluing, at least not directly, and nor has she ever said anything nasty to me. The last time we met she said I was kind. In fact, the catalyst for us breaking up was the fact that I got angry and shouted at her (in part it was a reaction to her being moody), which naturally she blamed the break up on me for at the time, and I guess justifiable, as I know she hates conflict and is fearful of anger. However, she has never once raised that since as an issue for not getting back together, and never once since blamed me for us being apart.

Equally there were no rages as such, and she internalised her anger and mood swings, and never took them out on me, unless I fussed around her.

So, I'd read a lot about bpd, as well as some terrible stories about what people had been through. However, had I been through any of that, I'd have just caught my breath and been glad to have been out of it. To be honest, I haven't even suffered much compared to many who've had avoidant partners. In truth, I can think of nothing bad that happened really. All there was were the occasional moods, a little distancing sometimes and withdrawals, along with the occasional mild reaction to anything that might be perceived as rejection while we were together, which always passed quite quickly; and then the push/pull, confusion and mixed signals since we split. Since the split, the only time she got angry with me was when I called to say I'd give her space, and she seemed agitated by that at first, and asked me why I was calling to tell her that, and then hung up, and we've not spoken since. The only reason I called to offer space was because it was obvious she was distancing herself after being so friendly a week earlier, and that was specifically after she deferred her exams, which I knew would have upset her a lot.

I can pretty much say with some certainty that the deferring of her exams, and problems with her studies, was the big trigger in the last withdrawal, as they are very important to her. No doubt the confusion about "us" was the issue, and so it's possible she'd transfer that blame to me, at least in some ways. At the very least I can see that she'd want some distance, to remove that confusion and be able to focus on work and studies again. It's also clear that my call to her, acknowledging that she had a lot on her plate, and that me wanting her back was unfairly adding to that, and suggesting I'd give her some space backfired, and pushed her further away.

Mostly though, she was good natured, good humoured, and quite affectionate, if a little stubborn, both when we were together and since we parted. So, apart from having to be aware that she was quite sensitive to some things, it was quite a good relationship, and we got on really well. If anything, she was really nice to me, and I cared about her a lot, and genuinely thought we had a good future together, and a lot to look forward to. Despite that, I'd even get it if it was just that her feelings changed, as I honestly like and respect her as a person, and would want her to be happy, but it seems that it's the strength of her feelings that are more of a problem than any lack of them, which is frustrating, as mine are just as strong, and so I'm keen to work things out if possible.

I had previously never heard of avoidance disorder but, when I came across it, I could see many similar behaviours, without the overly chaotic extremes of what I'd read about bpd.

In some ways, if it was bpd, it might be easier, as I could just leave her alone, and she'd probably come back of her own accord. However, she's always been a bit sheepish about approaching me, and worried that I've lost interest, even when she can be fairly sure I haven't, so there's a strong fear of rejection.

In fact I'll list all the things I know, and maybe you can let me know what you think.

1. She wanted a relationship (in fact she left me before because she misunderstood and thought I didn't), but admitted that she has a tendency to run when things get close, but really wanted to try not to this time.
2. She has alluded to some past abuse.
3. She hates anything overly gushy, emotional, and romantic, despite sometimes trying to push me to admit my feelings.
4. Even when we lived together she preferred not to sleep in the same bed.
5. She preferred sex to be recreational, and even purely for my enjoyment, and didn't like it if it appeared too intimate. In fact she previously said that she preferred casual relationships, as she was in control and didn't have to have any feelings and wouldn't get hurt. I think she once admitted to sex being a form of validation for her at times.
6. She would have random mood swings, where she'd withdraw and get into a funny headspace, but would recover quickly and apologise if she was rude to me. I can see they were probably less random now, and driven either by perceptions of rejection, or too much intimacy. In fact the withdrawal that led to the argument which resulted in us splitting up, was the day before her birthday, with Valentine's Day a week later, so perhaps that was a trigger.
7. She would like male attention, but have no respect for those who showed it, chased after her or got emotional.
8. She didn't drink or party much, and preferred a quiet night in. Most of her time was spent working or studying, and she'd often be in bed by 8.30pm.
9. She tried to end things before by just being "busy" or "tired" and unavailable, but was easily persuaded back. She would later admit that the reason was that she loved being together, but found the time apart in between to be unbearably painful. This was mitigated when we started living together, although that no doubt triggered some intimacy fears.
10. She openly admitted she had strong abandonment issues, and to taking things wrongly as a sign of rejection. This was despite putting on a strong front and appearing independent, and yet also admitting to neediness at times.
11. She also said how her thinking was black and white.
12. She had insecurities, and for no reason would say that she was worried I'd get fed up of her or find her boring.
13. She avoids drama and conflict. If she's angry she never shouts and will walk away instead, until she calms down.
14. She's not comfortable with compliments, and will tend to deflect them.

So, what are your thoughts?


I should also add that before we lived together, and after we split, that it often felt that I always had to initiate things, and even gently pull her back if she seemed to be drifting away. She was always really happy that I did, and seemed to like to tease me about liking her so much, so maybe it was a misperception on my part, but I sometimes felt she would just fade out if I didn't persist, even though she said it hurt to be apart. It was almost as if she needed me to prove it, and would just resign herself to it if I didn't.

Robnew, I wrote a long, long, LONG reply that I then lost because my laptop ran out of battery power without me noticing. I will try to re-create it soon. Hang in there!

Thanks HowPredictable1

I'm hanging in there, and really appreciate your help and support on this. It means a lot, and really helps to be able to speak to someone who understands such feelings first hand.