Does Ignoring Me Mean "Go away and leave me alone"?

Hi and thanks again,

Funnily enough, I wasn't pinning any hopes on the separation anxiety, and actually felt the opposite, and that it makes things even harder, as that was always her biggest concern. In fact, now that I think of it, she never directly raised any concerns about fears of intimacy towards me, and would often be the one to push for it, despite cautiously withdrawing to catch her breath every now and then. So, if anything, I would say that it was the separation anxiety that was the most extreme factor, and certainly her biggest fear, as the rest were relatively mild in comparison, if I look back at them all dispassionately. I guess I don't find it flattering though, and more frustrating, as it's just a part of who she is, and would exist with anyone she had an attachment to.

It's interesting what you say about your experiences with narcissists, as she would definitely describe me as a bit narcissistic, and even a little avoidant. I'm not really, it's just that I didn't act predictably to any push/pull. If she was warm to me, then I'd be warm with her, but if she pulled away it would vary. If she did it whilst remaining calm and communicative, I'd know she wanted me to pull her back, and she'd come back easily; but if she pushed me away angrily, or silently then, instead of chasing harder, I'd back off and leave her alone, until she found her own way back, or tentatively reached out. That would frustrate her though, as she'd complain if I didn't try after a while, and say that I know her moods and know that she calms down quite quickly. Mostly I could read her well, and so mirrored her rather than reacted to her. Maybe then it's her perception of my narcissism that allowed us to get so close, and heightened the separation anxiety. Who knows?

On further reading, it seems that it is more common with those with attachment disorders, both anxious and avoidant, and with her she was happy to admit it went way beyond longing, and into severe pain and distress, and so the symptoms I read seem to fit very closely with what she described. Apparently though, it mainly affects those who can't regulate their emotional responses so well. So it seems a separate thing, that exists for separate reasons, that might occur in some and not others.

Given her self awareness, and desire to overcome these things, I had hoped things were possible. In fact, we were almost on the point of reconciliation, with her reminiscing about things and talking about spending several nights a week at mine. Had it not been for the pressures of her exams/studies occurring the following week, at a time when we were still apart, and thus heightened stress/anxiety, then I'm pretty sure we'd have got there, as she's raised these feelings before, and we've always been able to talk and get over them pretty easily; and until the week of her exams she seemed eager to try.

In some ways the silence isn't so bad, as she'll usually happily speak her mind, but has always said that she'd rather withdraw and say nothing when upset or angry, than say something she regrets or didn't mean. It's just the length of time that makes it hard, as it's never been this long.

So you're definitely right, in that she's not amenable to reconciliation. Otherwise there'd at least be low contact, which she knows would result in me drawing her back, unless she told me there was definitely no way, where I'd just drop it and move on.

Equally, you could also be right in that she may have painted me black as, whilst that's equally frustrating when you know you've done nothing wrong, I can see the logic in it as a defence/distancing mechanism.

So, even if my ego allowed me to think it's just a means to move on, and avoid the chance of me persuading her otherwise, it makes no difference, as any attempt to contact her has been ignored, regardless of the reason. Not that I've been overly persistent, as since we last spoke I've only sent two messages, one a week or so later, and one a week after that, and haven't tried again for two weeks now. It's funny, as a year or so ago we split, again not really on angry terms, but in some ways less friendly, and yet when I contacted her a month after, with no real intentions, she responded as though nothing had happened and was pretty friendly. It would just make life so much simpler if she said to leave her be, either angrily, or because it's for the best.

So, you're right, and all I can do is move on, and if she reaches out so be it. If I'm honest though, I would like to try and make things work, as I like and care about her a lot, and there were none of the extremes I often read about, and mostly it was a normal, happy relationship. So ultimately my frustration is mostly with the potential ambiguity (on my part) from our last conversation, where she could have read my offer of giving her space as me backing off and rejection. I suppose all I really wanted was to be able to re open the lines of communication, or find a way to tell her that when/if she'd got over the exam stuff, and any anger or frustration, she could make contact if ever she felt she wanted, and know that it wouldn't be rejected.

Anyway, thanks again, it really does help to be able to talk about it with someone who understands. That said, I'm so sorry that my problems led you to read up and caused you anxiety. I hope you're feeling a little better now, and will once again extend my gratitude for your kindness, time and patience.

Well, the inevitable happened, and we bumped into each other in the street as I was on my way out, and she was on her way home from work. On the plus side I found out why she's been ignoring me but, on the minus side, I'm still none the wiser as to why it's such an issue, and with seemingly no way to overcome it now.

Anyway, when we met it started off ok, with cautious greetings, and how are you's, what have you been doing etc. I suggested an "awkward hug" and she said no, as she said she was in an odd mood as she'd been on coke, which isn't something she would do often. I said it was funny we bumped into each other, as I'd been thinking about her earlier, to which she half jokingly said I shouldn't think about her. It was awkward, but she was friendly enough. So far, so good.

I said I was on my way out, and we both said see you later. I was happy to leave it at that for now, with lines of communication tentatively re opened, and didn't want to raise anything difficult. I said it was good to her see her, and apologised for not being in touch these last weeks, and just said I assumed she was busy. She said she was, but then went on to add the phone call I made about 6 weeks ago, about giving her space, as why she's ignored me. Deep down I knew all along this must have been what angered her, and pushed her away, but have no idea why, or why it's still stuck with her, as all she said was that I shouldn't have called her about it at work.

I apologised and said I agree it probably wasn't a good idea, but tried to explain that I could see she was under pressure at the time, and that me wanting her back while she was busy and confused was just adding to it, and that I was trying to be nice by saying I'd back off and give her space. She said I shouldn't have called her at work to tell her that, and so I said I only did it then because I was going to be away for a few days, and wanted to tell her before I went. She responded by saying that was just me putting my bs on her (I have no idea what she meant by that), and that in any case she didn't want to discuss it on the street.

I didn't know what to say at that point, as she was clearly in no mood to talk, and so I didn't press it and just said ok and sorry, and we parted. So she was agitated and a bit angry by the end, but only because she raised the issue of what really bugged her, but then didn't want to talk about it. I know this will now sit with her and, whilst we've gone a couple of months without bumping each other, I assume she'll now be stressed in case it happens again. So, it started out as naturally awkward but ok, then ended with her still upset and angry about that phone call.

Because of how she reacted at the time, I always figured that was the issue. My intention by it was just to back off and give her space, as it was clear she was stressed and backing away at the time, and so I thought it was a good thing. She obviously see's it in a completely different light, big enough to still hold a grudge about it. Of course there's no way of clearing the air on it, as she obviously doesn't want to talk about it. If I'd done something bad, like cheating, or even constantly chasing her, then I guess I'd understand. But clearly this was important to her, and I guess I have to respect that, even if I don't understand it.

No doubt the coke didn't help, and in fairness she did warn me she wasn't in the best of moods because of it. However, even once that wears off, I doubt it will make any difference, as the underlying issue is still there, with no way of addressing it.

So, there it is.