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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2018 6:12:51 GMT
i agree on the fact that he could be FA! its hard for me to figure it out. he will literally say his self confidence is in the dumpster but then sometimes in conversation act above people in a certain way. he was HS class prez prom king etc, and basically describes his transition into adulthood into "becoming aspergers"....lol. meanwhile, i was always a weirdo that became attractive in adulthood and am still awkward but men seem to think i am "alpha" somehow juniper what you wrote: "i'm sure a dismissive would be more comfortable alone even if unhappy, because of the energy it takes to maintain a relationship. it's not necessarily about not wanting responsibility- it's about just living more naturally according to how we are wired. especially if a partner is AP and has intimacy and connection need that is much much greater than ours. in many many cases, a happy medium cannot be reached. a dismissive moves AWAY from relationship to self soothe, and not TOWARD. It is our natural way, until a lot of deep healing takes place and it takes years." that is definitely what he is doing. and honestly i had gotten used to seeing him once a week only. but every time he had to leave i got sad and frustrated and it just got too much for him. he said being around me was like "watching the shittiest parts of himself"..... oof we still share iphone locations which is probably not great for me but i truthfully never look at it bc i always know where he is anyway. at home or at work by himself. he also hasnt re entered any dating apps. i really wonder what he does all weekend alone. i mean, i was basically alone too all weekend, but i also know i was all sad about him at my apt, and i know thats not what he was doing.. ha last thing- i just texted my mom about attachment styles and she read some stuff and said she is definitely avoidant and now she feels terrible. she definitely is though. of course i told her not to worry about it. i think both my parents are DA not even FA at all. anyway.. well, i only pointed out that he doesn't seem Da because i'm one and i think you've had it wrong. but the thing is, he could be a Martian, for all it matters. He's capable of giving you a shit relationship, and that's the bottom line. what you described above is extremely unhealthy for a relationship- both for him to provide and you to accept. i'm sure your AP kicked up and made you a toxic and unhealthy, unavailable partner also. you can't control his choices, i know you know that. he broke up with you, and is not able or interested in having the relationship you want.regardless of what you believe to be true about his happiness, or his depression, that's his deal that he hasn't turned to you to solve. and you can't. even if he turned to you to solve it, you can't and you weren't happy with him being avoidant, but he IS. The best advice you will get on this board is to somehow overcome your anxious preoccupation with him because you're in THE DANCE. THE TRAP. and the only person you can change or influence to any substantial degree is yourself. sucks but it's the truth. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 30, 2018 22:30:31 GMT
i'm sure a dismissive would be more comfortable alone even if unhappy, because of the energy it takes to maintain a relationship. it's not necessarily about not wanting responsibility- it's about just living more naturally according to how we are wired. especially if a partner is AP and has intimacy and connection need that is much much greater than ours. in many many cases, a happy medium cannot be reached. a dismissive moves AWAY from relationship to self soothe, and not TOWARD. It is our natural way, until a lot of deep healing takes place and it takes years. being in an unhappy or imbalanced relationship that overwhelms our comfort level (which is individual and nuanced) makes unhappiness magnified. we don't gain a lot of comfort from relationship especially with difficult dynamics, it's not our go-to. solitude is. until we develop a better capacity for intimacy and engagement. depression is another story, but still i wouldn't expect it to drive a dismissive into relationship for any kind of relief. Yes, I completely see it as his “comfort” level to be apart. Being alone is comfortable, less work and feels safer than being intimate. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2018 23:39:01 GMT
I want to respond to his last text where he wrote "being alone prob doesn't make him happier but at least he feels like he isn't hurting anyone or ruining anyone's day(mine)" ---- with something that conveys "I just wanted to see you is all" but 1) that's pathetic and 2) that therein, kind of lies the problem, because by breaking it off he broke off all expectations from my end of wanting to see him so he wasn't obligated to anymore and cause any more disappointment by needing to go away. i wish I could backstep and just have established better communication from the get go. I also wish we had even one mutual friend I could talk to. I know he still has strong feelings for me, and i it's hard for me to wrap my head around why we are torturing ourselves. 🙂 This reminds me of....I asked my ex months ago if he was happier alone than when we were together...he said “of course I’m not happier alone! I’m miserable.” So confusing as to why he chose to break up and chooses to remain in that miserable state. I understand a lot more now after research and awesome insight on this forum, but still confusing bc he won’t try to change. Then again, I’m not happy with our dynamic and yet I won’t cut him out. I guess we’re both doing things that don’t make sense to an observer but based on our fears and insecurities, we do them anyway. Here is how I think about it and it may resonate with you and it may not. I, too, would have said that I was happier with my ex and if I really think about it, I am happier with him than without him. Here's the but and it's a big but. But I have an attachment wound (it is deep) and he kept making the wound deeper and deeper with his words and actions. Deepening the wound doesn't make me unhappier, but it makes me feel less whole. Just because someone or something makes you happy doesn't make it good for you. It's like eating your favorite candy, but it gives you a stomachache. It makes you happy to eat it, but at the end of the day, you have a stomachache an hour later. One person keeps eating it and says it's worth the stomachache, another person stops eating it all together, because they feel it's not worth it. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 31, 2018 0:27:10 GMT
This reminds me of....I asked my ex months ago if he was happier alone than when we were together...he said “of course I’m not happier alone! I’m miserable.” So confusing as to why he chose to break up and chooses to remain in that miserable state. I understand a lot more now after research and awesome insight on this forum, but still confusing bc he won’t try to change. Then again, I’m not happy with our dynamic and yet I won’t cut him out. I guess we’re both doing things that don’t make sense to an observer but based on our fears and insecurities, we do them anyway. Here is how I think about it and it may resonate with you and it may not. I, too, would have said that I was happier with my ex and if I really think about it, I am happier with him than without him. Here's the but and it's a big but. But I have an attachment wound (it is deep) and he kept making the wound deeper and deeper with his words and actions. Deepening the wound doesn't make me unhappier, but it makes me feel less whole. Just because someone or something makes you happy doesn't make it good for you. It's like eating your favorite candy, but it gives you a stomachache. It makes you happy to eat it, but at the end of the day, you have a stomachache an hour later. One person keeps eating it and says it's worth the stomachache, another person stops eating it all together, because they feel it's not worth it. Hey, Mary...yep, totally resonates with me. As an AP, I tend to hold on to that feel good feeling at my own detriment, where DA cuts his losses. I guess it’s strange to me bc this guy was SO enthusiastic and so high on a future with me and how I make everything better and he wished he found me earlier etc to then turn around and shut down. I never saw someone so positive before about declaring his undying love to give up and do such a 180?? So confusing. Makes it harder to accept |
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Post by kibbins on Oct 31, 2018 18:32:47 GMT
So, my DA/FA guy "D" has reached out twice since his text about how him being alone means not ruining my day, which I ignored. Yesterday sent me some funny joke article which I ignored and today "Halloween party at the office today" which we had talked a lot about previously bc of how awkward he is at work events. Which I also ignored.
On one hand it's interesting to me how ignoring him seems to be getting his attention, also I still miss him but feel like he doesn't deserve these breadcrumbs from me after basically dumping me for his own self preservation. I'm actually at a point where I'm starting to get a little angry. I wouldn't verbalize it..(to him) but I was the only one willing to put in the work. He made all those sweeping statements about wanting to give me what I need emotionally bc he can't imagine being with anyone else- just to break it off a week later. Also, I don't want to talk to him unless we see each other in person, which he is unable to do. If I say something like that though it will be obvious I've just been stewing in this and if there's ever hope for him changing I don't think it will be achieved by essentially reaming him.
Sorry I'm talking in circles
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