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Post by 8675309 on Nov 2, 2018 10:12:51 GMT
One of my favorite quotes from her. I post quotes sometimes on my business IG, this one is in the line up. Can relate to people, business, etc.
“giving up doesn't always mean your weak sometimes your just strong enough to let go”
― taylor swift
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 17, 2018 16:50:15 GMT
Its been a bit over a month since cut off/no contact with my avoidant and yesterday I had a wave of urge to contact out of nowhere. It passed and I wont contact but just noting that even when you reach you're secure you'll still have moments sometimes. Its human, not just attachment.
I haven't had the urge even though I want to, even wanting to it wasn't a actual real urge for me. I set a boundary, Im sticking to it, Im good with it. And its been weeks so Ive gotten back into my groove leaving it to the universe. I have new business projects that are fun and exciting so Im good.
Sure I still have thoughts as its still 'fresh' but not urges. Yesterday it was a 'real urge'.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 17, 2018 17:35:24 GMT
Its been a bit over a month since cut off/no contact with my avoidant and yesterday I had a wave of urge to contact out of nowhere. It passed and I wont contact but just noting that even when you reach you're secure you'll still have moments sometimes. Its human, not just attachment. I haven't had the urge even though I want to, even wanting to it wasn't a actual real urge for me. I set a boundary, Im sticking to it, Im good with it. And its been weeks so Ive gotten back into my groove leaving it to the universe. I have new business projects that are fun and exciting so Im good. Sure I still have thoughts as its still 'fresh' but not urges. Yesterday it was a 'real urge'. Yes, I decided a week ago to walk from my ex DA and accept he won’t or can’t give me what I want or need. He avoided seeing me last Sat night w a vague text that something happened and then ignored 2 texts Sun. I’m trying to move from AP to secure, but I swear he’d trigger the most secure person with his stonewalling. It’s just so confusing bc he claimed I was the one and he wanted no one but me forever...and now he’s choosing to be alone and will only see me casually 2 times a month on his terms, when he feels like it. I couldn’t take the robotic and dehumanizing behavior anymore. One year since our break. One year I’ve spent studying attachment and improving myself but he’s not willing to do a thing. So I decided let go and break the cycle. We have no common social circles, he won’t do social media or ever reach out to me...so I just need to control myself and not contact him. I need to see him for the person he is...unwilling to invest or open his heart again to me. But those waves of sadness and desire...are hard. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 17, 2018 17:41:04 GMT
Hello stayhappy. For a successful recovery and moving on, I find that it is necessary to "deactivate" in our own way, mute all thoughts/signs/signals of and from him, including avoiding wondering if he is thinking of me, checking up on me, etc. I believe that once a break up is decisive, it is much more beneficial to focus on the thoughts and deeds that place greater distance apart, spiraling out of each other's orbit, so to speak. I'm not great at this, trust me, or I won't hang out here but enjoying my life without a care about relationships. That's where I hope to get, but got into a lapse because of renewed contact and flirting with this ex. He has no intention of getting back though, so I'm back to focus on my own Red Shift with all of my Jedi Force.  Hi Liz...How long no contact for you? I’m at one week and I’m feeling renewed resolve to not reach out to ex DA who won’t give me what I want. He’s completely shut down and after avoiding seeing me last weekend and then ignoring 2 texts- I woke up to reality. It’s still hard and part of me wants to call him out on his rude behavior but I know it won’t change anything and will make me vulnerable. I just can’t understand how he can choose to be alone rather than give us another chance. That’s hard for me- he said I was his “best and last” and now he stonewalls and chooses to sit home alone and admittedly unhappy. Hard to process. 😏 |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 17, 2018 17:50:54 GMT
For me the hardest thing to be involved with a DA was that he never really gave us a chance. He said I was not the one but from what I have read about avoidants that’s a classic deactivating strategy. But I got confuse, am I really not the one or he is pulling away because of his fear of true intimacy? I’m not delusional, I know there was a connection. Those mixed signals were the worst. I read somewhere that DAs pull away people that are actually important to them because it’s those people who can hurt them. I guess I will never know. We haven’t seen or speak with each other for a while now and I was totally ok with that, I was pretty indifferent actually. I had convinced myself that he is so over me and not even remember that I exist anymore... Until yesterday when he watched my stories on a social media. He never did that.I was surprised and anxious and trying to figure out if it meant anything. Than I went back to the rational and thought it didn’t mean anything, if he changes his mind he would say. For me the hardest part of my ex DA went from he was “positive” he finally found “the one” and wanted to marry me....to he’s incapable of being in relationships. Apparently, I wasn’t the one he thought I was...he was so positive, attentive and loving...then a few conflicts and he wrote me off. Stone cold. Ice heart. Walls. Almost like a sociopath with his lack of empathy. I still can’t process and it’s been a year. How does a person do a 180 like that? There’s no one else- he chooses to sit home alone. I know I needed to let go- that realization finally hit me last weekend but I don’t understand. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 18, 2018 0:45:36 GMT
What is so ironic is the things they fear they project on us. Abandonment, etc. They abandon, make you lose trust and you fear they will just peace out at any moment.
Ive been steady/open/honest with him this whole time. Is what it is and its left to the universe.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 18, 2018 3:26:59 GMT
What is so ironic is the things they fear they project on us. Abandonment, etc. They abandon, make you lose trust and you fear they will just peace out at any moment. Ive been steady/open/honest with him this whole time. Is what it is and its left to the universe. Yeah, I saw exactly that. He was always afraid I’d leave him...he’d tell me that. Then, he leaves me. He can’t trust- now I’m going to have a hard time trusting. He came into my life like a whirlwind and I had insecurities but nothing that couldn’t have improved in the context of a loving relationship. He bailed and shut his heart down. It may protect him, but he did nothing for me. I’ve found talk is cheap. Next time I’ll move much slower.... |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 18, 2018 11:52:37 GMT
What is so ironic is the things they fear they project on us. Abandonment, etc. They abandon, make you lose trust and you fear they will just peace out at any moment. Ive been steady/open/honest with him this whole time. Is what it is and its left to the universe. Yeah, I saw exactly that. He was always afraid I’d leave him...he’d tell me that. Then, he leaves me. He can’t trust- now I’m going to have a hard time trusting. He came into my life like a whirlwind and I had insecurities but nothing that couldn’t have improved in the context of a loving relationship. He bailed and shut his heart down. It may protect him, but he did nothing for me. I’ve found talk is cheap. Next time I’ll move much slower.... Its actually not protecting him, its hindering good things in his life just like mine. Its sad they would rather be alone/stay trapped and push good people out of their life... I feel really bad for him but its not my problem, he chooses to stay in the insanity cycle of failed relationships and fear. We all have a choice and he chooses the insanity wheel of doing the same thing over and over again. Im just another tossed in the insanity wheel fail bucket thats hooked to the side of the wheel.
They think its protection... now if were were bad people/not good to them, that would be another story.
I'll trust, I go in trusting everyone until they prove otherwise. I still can trust even tough Ive been burned several times in my life. Sometimes burned badly. I cant live life without trust, its hindering and wont live in fear of getting burned, I think thats worse than actuality getting burned. Im more cautious/aware now but still trust. I hope you can get to this kind of place.
My guys fears are unwarranted, with me anyways. Ive been there every time hes come back. I have his back and tried to show this but those fears of his... LOL. I dont cause drama, pressure him(he may feel I am but I dont, Im a mellow low pressure person in general) and genuinely want what is good for him in his life, to prosper, be loved, feel safe, be happy, etc, etc. Ive told him this several times/tried to show him with actions. Actions speak louder than words.
Im probably the first or one of the few healthy women hes come across and deep down he knows I know what healthy is and want that for him.
Sometimes I wonder why he was drawn to me as Im not his usual type as I think hes dated mostly AP's or another avoidants, thats what they are attracted to. Im so the opposite of that! Some things he said about being chased down lead me to believe hes been with more AP types, he expects to be chased down, funny it triggers him! LOL. Others gave him something he needed though(surely not healthy but..) because they made it to GF status and I didnt.
I mean I know Im perfectly imperfect awesomeness/have many things in common but still, what was the draw?! haha. And why keep circling back... I dont give him what he needs in his eyes like I just said above I never made it to a GF and others have.
One time he did something, then stopped it and said I did that to make sure you come back. I was like come back!?! You're the one the runs away from me... I never left, you leave me and run. he had nothing to say after that! LOL
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 18, 2018 12:50:38 GMT
Yeah, I saw exactly that. He was always afraid I’d leave him...he’d tell me that. Then, he leaves me. He can’t trust- now I’m going to have a hard time trusting. He came into my life like a whirlwind and I had insecurities but nothing that couldn’t have improved in the context of a loving relationship. He bailed and shut his heart down. It may protect him, but he did nothing for me. I’ve found talk is cheap. Next time I’ll move much slower.... Its actually not protecting him, its hindering good things in his life just like mine. Its sad they would rather be alone/stay trapped and push good people out of their life... I feel really bad for him but its not my problem, he chooses to stay in the insanity cycle of failed relationships and fear. We all have a choice and he chooses the insanity wheel of doing the same thing over and over again. Im just another tossed in the insanity wheel fail bucket thats hooked to the side of the wheel.
They think its protection... now if were were bad people/not good to them, that would be another story.
I'll trust, I go in trusting everyone until they prove otherwise. I still can trust even tough Ive been burned several times in my life. Sometimes burned badly. I cant live life without trust, its hindering and wont live in fear of getting burned, I think thats worse than actuality getting burned. Im more cautious/aware now but still trust. I hope you can get to this kind of place.
My guys fears are unwarranted, with me anyways. Ive been there every time hes come back. I have his back and tried to show this but those fears of his... LOL. I dont cause drama, pressure him(he may feel I am but I dont, Im a mellow low pressure person in general) and genuinely want what is good for him in his life, to prosper, be loved, feel safe, be happy, etc, etc. Ive told him this several times/tried to show him with actions. Actions speak louder than words.
Im probably the first or one of the few healthy women hes come across and deep down he knows I know what healthy is and want that for him.
Sometimes I wonder why he was drawn to me as Im not his usual type as I think hes dated mostly AP's or another avoidants, thats what they are attracted to. Im so the opposite of that! Some things he said about being chased down lead me to believe hes been with more AP types, he expects to be chased down, funny it triggers him! LOL. Others gave him something he needed though(surely not healthy but..) because they made it to GF status and I didnt.
I mean I know Im perfectly imperfect awesomeness/have many things in common but still, what was the draw?! haha. And why keep circling back... I dont give him what he needs in his eyes like I just said above I never made it to a GF and others have.
One time he did something, then stopped it and said I did that to make sure you come back. I was like come back!?! You're the one the runs away from me... I never left, you leave me and run. he had nothing to say after that! LOL
Yes, he think he’s protecting himself but he didn’t need protection from me. He knew that. He said if he couldn’t make it work with than he couldn’t make it work with anyone. He probably had good women before me too but he hits an intimacy wall and won’t go any further. He’s severely scarred from his marriage that ended 7 years ago and needs to remain in contact due to their shared children. This forced communication continues to rub salt in his wounds. He hurt me deeply with his abandonment and stonewalling but he also hurts himself and misses out on a life of love with his distrust and fears. Your ex sounds like he displays typical FA pattern of circling back- wanting someone but at the same time fearing closeness and rejection. Very confusing to be in a relationship like that...I understand your need to let go. I finally came to that place after one year of doing everything on his terms and trying to earn his trust. Being there for him didn’t work- his mind already wrote me off. So I move on. I’ll be much more careful in the future but I also refuse to give up. A life without hope isn’t worth living to me. I still believe there are good guys out there who will care to make a relationship work. Dependable guys that won’t shut down and run. Until I find that, I’d rather be alone, focused on my kids and my own healing. Trying to be with a severe DA who doesn’t wish to change is like being in a relationship alone anyway. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 18, 2018 18:55:56 GMT
Yeah, I saw exactly that. He was always afraid I’d leave him...he’d tell me that. Then, he leaves me. He can’t trust- now I’m going to have a hard time trusting. He came into my life like a whirlwind and I had insecurities but nothing that couldn’t have improved in the context of a loving relationship. He bailed and shut his heart down. It may protect him, but he did nothing for me. I’ve found talk is cheap. Next time I’ll move much slower.... Its actually not protecting him, its hindering good things in his life just like mine. Its sad they would rather be alone/stay trapped and push good people out of their life... I feel really bad for him but its not my problem, he chooses to stay in the insanity cycle of failed relationships and fear. We all have a choice and he chooses the insanity wheel of doing the same thing over and over again. Im just another tossed in the insanity wheel fail bucket thats hooked to the side of the wheel.
They think its protection... now if were were bad people/not good to them, that would be another story.
I'll trust, I go in trusting everyone until they prove otherwise. I still can trust even tough Ive been burned several times in my life. Sometimes burned badly. I cant live life without trust, its hindering and wont live in fear of getting burned, I think thats worse than actuality getting burned. Im more cautious/aware now but still trust. I hope you can get to this kind of place.
My guys fears are unwarranted, with me anyways. Ive been there every time hes come back. I have his back and tried to show this but those fears of his... LOL. I dont cause drama, pressure him(he may feel I am but I dont, Im a mellow low pressure person in general) and genuinely want what is good for him in his life, to prosper, be loved, feel safe, be happy, etc, etc. Ive told him this several times/tried to show him with actions. Actions speak louder than words.
Im probably the first or one of the few healthy women hes come across and deep down he knows I know what healthy is and want that for him.
Sometimes I wonder why he was drawn to me as Im not his usual type as I think hes dated mostly AP's or another avoidants, thats what they are attracted to. Im so the opposite of that! Some things he said about being chased down lead me to believe hes been with more AP types, he expects to be chased down, funny it triggers him! LOL. Others gave him something he needed though(surely not healthy but..) because they made it to GF status and I didnt.
I mean I know Im perfectly imperfect awesomeness/have many things in common but still, what was the draw?! haha. And why keep circling back... I dont give him what he needs in his eyes like I just said above I never made it to a GF and others have.
One time he did something, then stopped it and said I did that to make sure you come back. I was like come back!?! You're the one the runs away from me... I never left, you leave me and run. he had nothing to say after that! LOL
This post sounds identical to my experience with an FA. I understand the initial draw to me, but he only stays AP- side triggered with other avoidants, which I am not. 2.5 years in, and me rapidly approaching earned secure, he told me I'm a great partner and he's only attracted to bad ones. You can't do much in that situation besides what you've said here. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 18, 2018 19:21:08 GMT
alexandraI don’t understand his draw! Lol i come off confident and secure because I am. People know this instantly upon meeting me. I also don’t understand the circle back because I’m not giving him what he thinks he needs either. I’m not insecurely attached, I don’t do what he is used to. I’ll never understand because he won’t talk to me about it... Ah well, I’ve accepted I’ll probably never know unless he becomes self aware and opens up to me. After a year he has no trust, etc in me. It’s why I had to let go. I know he will circle back again but is he aware this time or his same crap! Lol sure I know it will take time/work for him so would not expect a miracle change at all but baby steps. Such a shame because we have a lot in common and we get along well when we actually spend time together. He will never meet another like me. Just like I have my own need for space, I can give that to him.
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Post by alexandra on Nov 18, 2018 19:36:13 GMT
alexandraI don’t understand his draw! Lol i come off confident and secure because I am. People know this instantly upon meeting me. I also don’t understand the circle back because I’m not giving him what he thinks he needs either. I’m not insecurely attached, I don’t do what he is used to. I’ll never understand because he won’t talk to me about it... Ah well, I’ve accepted I’ll probably never know unless he becomes self aware and opens up to me. After a year he has no trust, etc in me. It’s why I had to let go. I know he will circle back again but is he aware this time or his same crap! Lol sure I know it will take time/work for him so would not expect a miracle change at all but baby steps. Such a shame because we have a lot in common and we get along well when we actually spend time together. He will never meet another like me. Just like I have my own need for space, I can give that to him. I do believe if you understand what a secure mindset and healthy relationship looks like, if he ever came back because he'd actually changed you'd know. There's really a difference between someone showing back up ready (the desire for the relationship is about you) versus someone showing back up because they're triggered (it's still about them not you). When me and my ex FA reconnected after 2 years, I knew he still wasn't ready, but he'd made some superficial changes so I convinced myself he was on a healing path because I wanted it to work this time, and I'd done a lot of healing. But he wasn't, and his continued patterns which create limitations and sabotage behaviors came up as soon as we went deep again. I don't expect mine to come back again and I am making big plans without him in mind. But if he came back, able to describe his thoughts and needs and to show consistent commitment, then it's possible to believe he did his work to become increasingly secure and comfortable with being vulnerable. My ability to talk openly about my experience / thought patterns as an AP, and to communicate what I want now and how I think and feel more securely was simply impossible while I was stuck in my own insecure attachment, even if I was always a reliable partner because my personality is pretty responsible. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 19, 2018 12:30:19 GMT
alexandra I don’t understand his draw! Lol i come off confident and secure because I am. People know this instantly upon meeting me. I also don’t understand the circle back because I’m not giving him what he thinks he needs either. I’m not insecurely attached, I don’t do what he is used to. I’ll never understand because he won’t talk to me about it... Ah well, I’ve accepted I’ll probably never know unless he becomes self aware and opens up to me. After a year he has no trust, etc in me. It’s why I had to let go. I know he will circle back again but is he aware this time or his same crap! Lol sure I know it will take time/work for him so would not expect a miracle change at all but baby steps. Such a shame because we have a lot in common and we get along well when we actually spend time together. He will never meet another like me. Just like I have my own need for space, I can give that to him. I do believe if you understand what a secure mindset and healthy relationship looks like, if he ever came back because he'd actually changed you'd know. There's really a difference between someone showing back up ready (the desire for the relationship is about you) versus someone showing back up because they're triggered (it's still about them not you). When me and my ex FA reconnected after 2 years, I knew he still wasn't ready, but he'd made some superficial changes so I convinced myself he was on a healing path because I wanted it to work this time, and I'd done a lot of healing. But he wasn't, and his continued patterns which create limitations and sabotage behaviors came up as soon as we went deep again. I don't expect mine to come back again and I am making big plans without him in mind. But if he came back, able to describe his thoughts and needs and to show consistent commitment, then it's possible to believe he did his work to become increasingly secure and comfortable with being vulnerable. My ability to talk openly about my experience / thought patterns as an AP, and to communicate what I want now and how I think and feel more securely was simply impossible while I was stuck in my own insecure attachment, even if I was always a reliable partner because my personality is pretty responsible. I'll know. I know his patterns.
I hope he gets to a place where he finally wants to deal with his trauma even if its not with me, he never comes back, etc. I want him to be able to experience what secures can, that true open love and trust. Hes not a bad guy and want him to be happy. True open love and trust is a gift.
The universe is going to keep sending him people to make him face it. I pointed him in the direction to start healing. If he takes the advice or not, who knows, we havent spoke! LOL I brought it up to him(attachment styles) and have told him what some unhealthy behaviors(mentioned before I even knew about attachment).
Im making him face it differently than them. Not 'making him' but I hope you catch my drift. haha
Im also making plans without him too, Im not waiting for him but the door is not completely shut at this time, a least not shut for us to talk. Im doing me and moving on like hes never coming back or will speak again. Its how I roll, I just keep going like the energizer bunny. hehe. |
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