Appropriateness of how we speak to each other on this forum

there is much more kindness and understanding that you realize in the advice you have received.
think about it, maybe you will feel more inclined to continue participating when you have some rest and maybe recover from the painful feelings you have right now.

you've had a horrible few days. but that's because of the breakdown of your relationship and the hope that has been thwarted.

we couldn't give you the advice that you sought, nobody could. not even a DA.

we gave you the advice that we gave the integrity to give, the things we have learned through our own agony.

it can work for you if you open to it, it really can help you if you can trust a bigger body of experience than just your own understanding. it's meant well but people got hot.
it happens. but it's reparable.

Beth

Firstly sorry for your experience - both in real life and on the forums.

I think it is really difficult in this kind of medium to display real empathy simply because of the remote connection and because the medium lends itself to giving advice - and seeking advice. Very often in the early stages of grief really what we need to for our experience to be validated as such and are not in an emotional place for anything but this kind of support. We come from a range of backgrounds and experiences, each of us bringing our own lens of life on the experience and our own stage of growth and experience - there's a tendency to feel "right" which can make another feel wrong. Not purposefully of course but I am sure this comes across together with a kind of invalidation of feelings.

What many of us have experienced is that it is possible to really love fully and truly but to learn that when that love is hurting us, detachment with love is part of the process and may also be a blessing to our partner in allowing them the space to choose to heal if they wish. When a relationship is damaging us, it is almost never loving to remain - the oxygen mask metaphor is relevant here, reach for your own and heal yourself before you can be of service to anyone else.

It is sad to hear of your experience in dating in your 30s - I am older than you and living in the UK but have to say that this is not my experience and I do wonder if in perceiving this lack of suitable partners, you may in some way be making the perception become a reality? I have been working through The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris ( I think you're in Australia so may be familiar with ACT - if not I highly recommend it as a gift to yourself during this difficult time) and it has helped me to realise that my own perceptions have a big impact on my behaviours and my future. This doesn't mean living in denial of reality, it means recognising when perceptions and belief are not serving them well and choosing to let go of them for that reason.

Thank you for your 'advice'. Please stop telling me what you think i should think and feel. I am begging people to stop shoving their opinions ABOUT ME down my throat. It is hurtful.

Thank you for your 'advice'. Please stop telling me what you think i should think and feel. I am begging people to stop shoving their opinions ABOUT ME down my throat. It is hurtful.

beth , I don't feel it genuine to say sorry for any of what I have said that has felt offensive for you. I don't even feel that what I've said was so far out of line that I should feel guilt, I just don't feel that way. I also don't feel it's a very effective way of asking for that kind of thing from me personally, as it's difficult for me to really hear what you're saying when you demand it with that energy.
I'm going to step away from this thread now as I don't feel like it's something I can interact with in the way that it sounds like you want, and I don't want to be combative - we want to be accommodating in this forum and we are here to grow our awareness and use each other as mirrors and support each other in this.
I do hope you decide to stick around in the forum, and I hope you do decide to post again in future, and I hope you see that we are all working this stuff out just the same as you, but that there is a great body of wisdom to draw from in the experience of each other, and this is one of the rare places we get to do that with other self aware people who might be totally different from us - it's such a rich thing.
I know you feel hurt by your experience here in the forum, and although I don't feel the accountability you may think I should for the feelings you've felt about what I've said, I can acknowledge that I gave you unsolicited feedback and it won't happen again. As I say, hopefully you decide to stick around in the forum, but that is ultimately your choice.
It's absolutely crushing to be broken hearted by the person you invested your best self into - so many of us here know that feeling, and maybe that's why we felt the need to say what we did, as a way of saving one other person from feeling pain we've also endured. You're in a place with other people who know what that crushing grief is like.

I think it's worth making it clear that this forum is not really a "safe space". It is supportive but it can feel provocative if you aren't used to being challenged, but I feel that that's what gives us all a growing edge. From what I've seen here, intention matters more than if you accidentally trigger somebody - I feel like we are all responsible adults who can be accountable for our own triggers and I probably wouldn't come to this forum if we had to police our language and our feedback to the degree we would need to make it a safe space where nobody's feelings can be hurt by the feedback given. If the intention is good, I feel like that counts for something. I don't believe anyone has been so careless and heartless to you that I feel that they should feel responsible for your emotions right now.

to me, it's another case of learning to read the room before one goes acting out.
any time spent reading on this forum will reveal that the general tone of feedback overall, is to work in your own attachment issues and not try to manipulate your way into a relationship with someone who isn't interested.

it's the basic message- heal your own issues. that's what most people here are doing , and many who come here without that insight quickly open to it and are thankful.

not the case here, which is just fine. people come and go, it's an internet forum and it's pretty par for the course for people to take what they want and leave the rest.