Appropriateness of how we speak to each other on this forum

well epicgum, what i see in insecure attachment and particularly the AP nareative, is a self-denying pattern in which one's own needs are suppressed in order to try to fit into the limited space available in an unavailable partner's life. The feel is that love is scarce and has to be extracted little by little with the Most Accomodating Behavior Possible directed at an unavailable partner, leaving the seeker starved and anxious and constantly hoping for change in the resistant mate, instead of adjusting their internal vision and being inspired to find a willing and able love partner.

(I understand the process of making that switch isn't easy, but it is indeed possible.)

i've seen in stated in so many ways, sometimes so eloquently, it's hard to top the ways i've seen this described by those who suffer themselves. it's heartbreaking.

my input from the avoidant perspective seems to be helpful in dispelling some misunderstandings about the avoidant's part in the tango, and i just try to be honest about my observations which may help someone caught in a trap see things another way and recognize their own self -defeating behaviors.



and i do this based on my own experience.
as an avoidant, the outside looks different but the injuries are very similar- we've just reacted different ways.

we all have cut ourselves off from the love that we want and need. we all are emotionally unavailable to ourselves, and to others- until we undertake the journey of self-discovery and healing our own wounds.

Ooop attacked not attached!

This is the nature of forums.

I didnt read every post in that thread but people were coming from a place of well intentioned help.

I have no dog in this fight but what I see from the outside looking in... is you're in an emotional place and blinded right now. Im not telling you how to feel, etc, Im an outsider, its just what I see in that thread and even this thread. Im a secure type that stumbled here with my own DA person issue so I get it. I have walked in your shoes dealing with an avoidant and I still see your emotions are hot.

Maybe take a step back and revisit when your emotions are not running so hot. You may be able to see people were trying to help and accept people are not always going to say what you want hear, even if well intentioned. People are people. Even if you had this talk with a group in person, they are not all going to say what you want to hear and you could be feeling just like you are right now.

Not much sugar coating here and thats how it should be. Sugar doesn't heal you. This place is a tool to use during ones healing journey. Im hardcore no sugar coat so I do hold back a bit on what I post, I am my sun sign but people are not like me so I cant just yell. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!? STOP THE MADNESS!! haha. I know people are emotionally different so I cant yell that at them! LOL

This is a also public forum, you post it, you own what comes with it.

beth came here with a failed situation looking for dysfunctional advice and didn't get it.
instead, posters observed a failed situation and offered a lot of respectful and insightful advice and support that's truly in line with proven experience and the LITERATURE.
beth didn't like it and is now flaming and attacking.

sure, she's in pain. and she's acting out. AP style.
ok.
i'm not going to molly coddle that.
anyone can that wants to but it won't be me.

My 2 cents. I'm rereading a book "Frientimacy" about intimacy in friendships and it has a line that jumped out at me:

"people are most likely to change when they feel strong and safe and loved"

I think if your advice, regardless of its content, is not doing that, then it is unlikely to be effective. Part of feeling loved is feeling heard and understood.