Is this something DAs experience too?

i think there were times i felt similar to what you're describing, but it all becomes a blur to me sometimes, as i look back over my life and the serious traumas i was encountering along the way.
sometimes it's hard to know what to attribute certain things to- was it the PTSD? substance abuse (when i was younger, been sober 25 years now) ... or attachment? there are so many factors that influence our perspectives and internal landscapes.

for the most part, i think that being "alone" has just been normal to me. like i had a bubble around me, somewhat self contained, and never fully connecting. kind of like life has been a cocktail party (without the festive feel lol) Mingle here, step over there and engage lightly, move on, chat, wave, go home alone. so i don't think i felt lonely really--- because that would have meant that i was in touch with the existence of something other than what i experienced, and that i wanted it. does that make sense? it's just the way it was, i don't recall if it was painful. feeling connected was just not my thing.

i have , i guess, always felt like i didn't belong, was somehow alien. but not really in a longing sense, around people. more like, "this isn't my element."

i did feel a sense of existential loneliness when i was in very abusive relationships, but as i think of it i believe it was because i was being treated so cruelly, and i felt isolated from the outside world because what happened inside my home was so dark and criminal, there was a sense of disorientation looking out the window at people doing simple every day things without thinking they might die from a crime any day. i think it's my dismissive attachment that made me feel i had to cope and figure out what to do instead of cry out. i don't know, it's all so dark and messy.

I have heard and relate to the idea that dismissives want someone in the house, but not in the same room. we tend grew up in environments where that was the norm- minimal engagement, left to our own devices, not sought out.
separate. i relate to that a lot, but as i have earned secure i crave and enjoy more time engaged and connected, in a relaxed way. it's like i'm a feral cat that finally came indoors and likes the snuggles and lap time now lol. i'm enjoying a deep sense of connection in my relationships now, i just feel at ease and ok with myself, and with the other. it's good.

i still spend a great deal of time enjoying solitude, but i don't guard it so tightly, and i am allowing other things to become my go-to. i notice that i still retreat to the safety of my solitude and independence when i notice how much i need and want my new partner, but it's just a little mental shift, i haven't been deactivating and shutting down. i think it's because he has a big measure of security and is consistent and i feel generally relaxed and not triggered by him. anyway, i digress.

thanks for the question, it's good for me to remember how far i've come.

wow.