Looking for insight into DA experience

Yes, I guess in my case never hearing “I love you” growing up translated into me not loving myself. On to better days! Thank you 💗 you inspire me!!

i think we really can help each other.
as for me, IRL the AP warmth and movement toward relationship has been a real blessing that facilitates what i have going right now.... our styles, when influenced by a healthy degree of security, can provide a shared experience that's rich.

and i see it the same on the boards. we are at varying levels of healing and security, but the interactional sweetness of the AP approach impacts me. i (try to) carry it out into my real life and relationships to try to emulate it because it's a facet of mine that's underdeveloped, and i'm a work in progress.

i have a lot of internal sweetness that doesn't present strongly in interaction as much as i'd like. you guys are a good example .

i heard "i love you" from a woman who had some sort of disorder and was intentionally cruel to me in ways that cost me huge chunks of my life. it's been hard to learn to trust.
but i'm there- my internal radar is strong and accurate. i trust myself, to be able to choose what's safe and appropriate for me. when i do deactivate (which hasn't happened in this new relationship, i think because it's just calm and consistent and friendly and amazing) i'm able to reach out to my fellow humans and ask for help, and this board was the first place i could do that. and it's still my go- to first.

and, be inspired! i don't say that from a superior mindset. I'm saying, i was inspired by the stupid articles on the internet that i suggested i could work toward secure by doing certain things.
The information that anne12 has posted for understanding and healing attachment styles has been PRICELESS. PRICELESS!! Life changing!

I happen to have taken that hope very very seriously over the last two years or so- the hope that if i consistently do what is suggested to me to do, i could actually heal and transform things in myself that kept me from being a part of what i really do want- intimacy, safety, love that heals and feels good, a team. a real partnership.

That advice came from other humans.... people who could lead the way for me. Get this- this avoidant followed. that was an act of trust and openness and it paid off big time for me.

I am currently enjoying the warmth of a really beautiful man who ticks all my boxes so far in how he treats me and how i feel around him. it's not all crazy and intense, it's EASY.
we have the same idea and the same capacity to realize our vision for what we want this to look like. SO FAR SO EASY.

I've been reading about sparks and attraction here lately. i used to really struggle with that also.

This man, i wouldn't have picked him out of a lineup of potential suitors, he's not my "type". haha!! or he wasn't until he demonstrated to me every day so far his loving presence, leadership, commitment to being a good friend and partner to me, and his genuine constant care for my personal well being. You know what this means? and for me to say this, as a high sex drive avoidant who isn't ashamed to say she goes after what she wants....
i want this man. he's HOT to me.

Hot in a comfortable, sexy, easy and authentic way.
This matters. I WANT him and i HAVE him. those two things are really cool when they EXIST TOGETHER. lol!!!

I love this! It makes me feel full of hope. I'm 25, and luckily I have never wanted children, but lately I've felt the tension of needing to slow down and focus on my healing and be uninvolved romantically so that's what I have done, but also carry this fear that all the secure people will be taken by the time I'm done. I love hearing that it isn't the case, as some attachment sources do hammer on the urgency of finding a secure before the insecures swell up the dating pool aha

I admit I didn't read everything and I might be off topic but I'd like to chime in to say:

In my opinion, as much as I agree that it's a person's personal decision whether they should work on their attachment or not, that this work has to be done by themselves and that you should leave a relationship that isn't working, I also think that when you enter a relationship or a friendship you create a "union" with another person that has certain responsibilities.

The dismissive approach of DAs make them look more put together and as if they aren't crossing any boundaries, they just mind their own business. It's the crazy APs who try to change them to get their own needs met.
But DAs dismiss one thing, they agreed to join that union, while still thinking they can be independent. It's not independence, it's taking without giving. It's sucking the blood from the other person till they become a burden. It's not taking responsibility for their actions because leaving is often flighting.

Some DAs are smarter and avoid labels to avoid those responsibilities but they're still taking. They're still trying to get their needs met while pretending they have non.

If one claims they don't want intimacy or a relationship they shouldn't seek it. They do, or they wouldn't have found themselves in those situations but they often dismiss they took part in it.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I don't mean to attack anyone, it's just a different perspective.

Of course I didn't mean they do it with premeditation. It's unawareness (combined with positive self-esteem) more than anything.
I'd say they're vampires, FAs are tornadoes, APs are Donkey from Shrek 

the whole point , to me, is this:
be responsible for yourself. no matter the style.
put that first and you won't be messing up your life or anyone else's.

that's the whole point, it isn't blame.
i can't find another way to say this to me is about each person healing their wounds : not blame.

that's all i can say about it, i can't make it any more clear.