Post by sunlighter on Nov 1, 2018 13:21:33 GMT
This has been a problem throughout my entire life... apologies, this is long... and overanalyzed...
I am aware I have always kept people at a certain distance. With my closest friends it’s been a dynamic of ‘they speak, I listen’. This way I can protect myself by not letting anyone know me. I have been able to make friends easily due to what I think is a lack of sincere intimacy. ‘I’ was never present in my friendships, just what I thought the other person wanted from me. Sometimes what the other person wanted,
and the ‘true me’ overlapped so I was able to be myself in front of them. But not in full. Only the parts that I percieved that were acceptable to the other party.
I believe this behaviour is also called codependency... I often felt that half of my soul was empty, that I was an empty person.
Not only this but, I had a bad habit of cutting and running from any relationships that I felt got too close. I do mean cutting and running. I would disappear from social media, stop talking to people... or lash out when they reached out to me after I cut them out of my life. However, the sad thing is that when I think back to what they did wrong, it is never a real legitimate reason. Those people that I cut from my life really liked me and sometimes cherished me as a friend. They were people that I talked to daily online. In one case I’d recieved a box of gifts from a friend overseas who I eventually cut the relationship with. In another case it was me who sent a box of gifts, overseas again, paying out of my own pocket to get them something nice. And these sorts of relationships end with the reasoning of... “they didn’t understand me enough.” “They put too much pressure on me.” “They expected too much from me.” “We had different values anyway.” “I could have never gotten along with them in the long run.” “We were just too different.” All of these thoughts and more, always blaming the other person for not being exactly what I wanted from them, feeling cornered and pressured to be a perfect person for them.
When I think back to the relationships I had with them, I feel guilty, sad, and angry at them for ever liking me. Sometimes I want to reach out to them again. I think if I were to do that, I’d have to apologize first. But writing the apology just seems so difficult so the relationships stay buried, and they have stayed that way for years.
About two years ago, I became fed up with not knowing who I was and feeling lonely in all of my relationships and after reading a lot of online articles, decided I needed to be more present in my relationships. For myself. Because I do love people, I enjoy having friends, and I hated feeling like I couldn’t get close with them or show anyone who I really was. Cue a lot of soul searching, experiencing new things, and now present day I have become more comfortable with myself, my relationship with my family has vastly improved... and for the first time, I have a boyfriend! (I’d also met him online, again... My best relationships are always online. Part of this is because I live in a primarily non-English speaking country, and my native language is English..)
My boyfriend is dismissive avoidant, at least I thought he was, like me. But he actually loves me very much. He is very affectionate. I have revealed a lot of information about myself, but he tells me he loves me, and he always seems to want to spend time with me. I give him his space, so perhaps he feels safe around me. I do not know. But even this...
We have arrangements to meet in the states in about a month. I have been experiencing many thoughts about our relationship, such as... “do I really like him?” “We are incompatible.” “We have different sense of humor.” “Maybe I am using him.” “We won’t make it long term, that’s alright though” “But I don’t want to lead him on and hurt him.” “So to prevent him from being hurt I should end it now.”
It is extremely difficult to wade through what seems in my mind, rational explanations to split with him. That is what makes it so difficult, because there are often good reasons to the incompatibilities that cloud my judgement and make me think of the relationship negatively. And I don’t know how to act or what I should do. It is extremely confusing. I would just like to enjoy a relationship for what it is.
So my question is... are these genuine incompatibilities or just deactivation? And how to tell between the two? I think at this point in time I will just go see him the once, because why not... He is a very calming, reassuring presence for me... but still I would like to know what others think.
I should also mention that I have a group of local friends that I was also extremely close with, for example we’d meet up every few months or so and keep consistent contact. We’re all introverts so that’s a big deal. We also helped one of our friends mourn the loss of her mother. But nowadays I have stopped talking to them. Again it is because “they don’t understand me” “we are fundamentally incompatible” “I don’t like how I feel when I’m around them” “I feel like I’m not good enough for them” “I always mess up and I’m not a good friend for them” “they’re not good friends for me” ... so I stopped talking to them. Almost akin to ghosting. I am aware it’s extremely rude but... I am not good at understanding when to cut, or how to gracefully carry on relationships, or if in those cases we really were too different to be as close of friends as we were.
Any insight is appreciated. I am sorry this is so convoluted and all over the place. In some ways I am just as worried about my local friend group and if I again, cut and run for no reason... or if my discomfort was real and I’m justified in getting space away from them. I thank anyone who has read all of that.
I am aware I have always kept people at a certain distance. With my closest friends it’s been a dynamic of ‘they speak, I listen’. This way I can protect myself by not letting anyone know me. I have been able to make friends easily due to what I think is a lack of sincere intimacy. ‘I’ was never present in my friendships, just what I thought the other person wanted from me. Sometimes what the other person wanted,
and the ‘true me’ overlapped so I was able to be myself in front of them. But not in full. Only the parts that I percieved that were acceptable to the other party.
I believe this behaviour is also called codependency... I often felt that half of my soul was empty, that I was an empty person.
Not only this but, I had a bad habit of cutting and running from any relationships that I felt got too close. I do mean cutting and running. I would disappear from social media, stop talking to people... or lash out when they reached out to me after I cut them out of my life. However, the sad thing is that when I think back to what they did wrong, it is never a real legitimate reason. Those people that I cut from my life really liked me and sometimes cherished me as a friend. They were people that I talked to daily online. In one case I’d recieved a box of gifts from a friend overseas who I eventually cut the relationship with. In another case it was me who sent a box of gifts, overseas again, paying out of my own pocket to get them something nice. And these sorts of relationships end with the reasoning of... “they didn’t understand me enough.” “They put too much pressure on me.” “They expected too much from me.” “We had different values anyway.” “I could have never gotten along with them in the long run.” “We were just too different.” All of these thoughts and more, always blaming the other person for not being exactly what I wanted from them, feeling cornered and pressured to be a perfect person for them.
When I think back to the relationships I had with them, I feel guilty, sad, and angry at them for ever liking me. Sometimes I want to reach out to them again. I think if I were to do that, I’d have to apologize first. But writing the apology just seems so difficult so the relationships stay buried, and they have stayed that way for years.
About two years ago, I became fed up with not knowing who I was and feeling lonely in all of my relationships and after reading a lot of online articles, decided I needed to be more present in my relationships. For myself. Because I do love people, I enjoy having friends, and I hated feeling like I couldn’t get close with them or show anyone who I really was. Cue a lot of soul searching, experiencing new things, and now present day I have become more comfortable with myself, my relationship with my family has vastly improved... and for the first time, I have a boyfriend! (I’d also met him online, again... My best relationships are always online. Part of this is because I live in a primarily non-English speaking country, and my native language is English..)
My boyfriend is dismissive avoidant, at least I thought he was, like me. But he actually loves me very much. He is very affectionate. I have revealed a lot of information about myself, but he tells me he loves me, and he always seems to want to spend time with me. I give him his space, so perhaps he feels safe around me. I do not know. But even this...
We have arrangements to meet in the states in about a month. I have been experiencing many thoughts about our relationship, such as... “do I really like him?” “We are incompatible.” “We have different sense of humor.” “Maybe I am using him.” “We won’t make it long term, that’s alright though” “But I don’t want to lead him on and hurt him.” “So to prevent him from being hurt I should end it now.”
It is extremely difficult to wade through what seems in my mind, rational explanations to split with him. That is what makes it so difficult, because there are often good reasons to the incompatibilities that cloud my judgement and make me think of the relationship negatively. And I don’t know how to act or what I should do. It is extremely confusing. I would just like to enjoy a relationship for what it is.
So my question is... are these genuine incompatibilities or just deactivation? And how to tell between the two? I think at this point in time I will just go see him the once, because why not... He is a very calming, reassuring presence for me... but still I would like to know what others think.
I should also mention that I have a group of local friends that I was also extremely close with, for example we’d meet up every few months or so and keep consistent contact. We’re all introverts so that’s a big deal. We also helped one of our friends mourn the loss of her mother. But nowadays I have stopped talking to them. Again it is because “they don’t understand me” “we are fundamentally incompatible” “I don’t like how I feel when I’m around them” “I feel like I’m not good enough for them” “I always mess up and I’m not a good friend for them” “they’re not good friends for me” ... so I stopped talking to them. Almost akin to ghosting. I am aware it’s extremely rude but... I am not good at understanding when to cut, or how to gracefully carry on relationships, or if in those cases we really were too different to be as close of friends as we were.
Any insight is appreciated. I am sorry this is so convoluted and all over the place. In some ways I am just as worried about my local friend group and if I again, cut and run for no reason... or if my discomfort was real and I’m justified in getting space away from them. I thank anyone who has read all of that.
