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Post by ocarina on Nov 3, 2018 15:56:47 GMT
There are a fair few reams of threads on here cataloguing my relationship - I started posting here probably a year or so ago when we were no longer together - he had withdrawn in a big way - after 6 years together, the distance habitual to our relationship just wasn't working for me - I had worked on becoming more available and was becoming emotionally damaged by the familiar push pull - and really despite loving him very much, just wanted more for myself.
Fast forward to July and he returned having worked on himself and declaring with quite surprising intensity, his undying love. It was a complete surprise and I was admittedly and understandably guarded in my response but we have been seeing each other ever since - in many ways life has got in the way - with children, very busy work times but I have done my best to continue to show up, be present and honest and if I feel deactivation to notice and show up nonetheless.
We haven't been physically intimate - I didn't feel safe enough and I know and value myself enough now to know that I need the security that a real connection rather than just an attraction, brings and I wasn't there yet. I did hope for a new start, but have felt gradually over the months, a return to the old dynamic - he plans holidays without mentioning to me ( we are in a group going on a tour next year and he replied and sorted all his own arrangements without one word to me), the kind of space a relationship requires just isn't there and I now understand my reticence was a kind of self protection. He has had challenges - from his daughter and work - but relationships need to be able to withstand these eventualities not be put on the back burner for months because life gets in the way.
So, I feel so much further ahead in the process than he is, that do be honest I think I am selling myself short by hanging on. I feel I am hanging on by a string at the moment, but he is simply not able to be there for me in the way (quite limited in true DA style!) that I need. It's a shame as there is still so much good - but the distance, which was a big pull for me in the past, is now a bit of a turn off. I feel brave enough to really dance the dance with a partner who is ready to do the same - or if not then on my own is just fine too.
I haven't voiced any of this to him - he's withdrawn communication wise at the moment and the moment hasn't arrived but I know deep down that this kind of relationship with limited communication and no mutual support is just not what I want going forward.
I also care enough about myself nowadays and trust myself enough to really know this - it's not a deactivation in response to closeness - it's a deeper recognition that disfunction is keeping me stuck.
I am using Junipers meditation asking the ancestors for support - love it and it really helps to make me feel and accept being loved and loving. So it's kind of good and bad, happy and sad really.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2018 19:26:49 GMT
There are a fair few reams of threads on here cataloguing my relationship - I started posting here probably a year or so ago when we were no longer together - he had withdrawn in a big way - after 6 years together, the distance habitual to our relationship just wasn't working for me - I had worked on becoming more available and was becoming emotionally damaged by the familiar push pull - and really despite loving him very much, just wanted more for myself.
Fast forward to July and he returned having worked on himself and declaring with quite surprising intensity, his undying love. It was a complete surprise and I was admittedly and understandably guarded in my response but we have been seeing each other ever since - in many ways life has got in the way - with children, very busy work times but I have done my best to continue to show up, be present and honest and if I feel deactivation to notice and show up nonetheless.
We haven't been physically intimate - I didn't feel safe enough and I know and value myself enough now to know that I need the security that a real connection rather than just an attraction, brings and I wasn't there yet. I did hope for a new start, but have felt gradually over the months, a return to the old dynamic - he plans holidays without mentioning to me ( we are in a group going on a tour next year and he replied and sorted all his own arrangements without one word to me), the kind of space a relationship requires just isn't there and I now understand my reticence was a kind of self protection. He has had challenges - from his daughter and work - but relationships need to be able to withstand these eventualities not be put on the back burner for months because life gets in the way.
So, I feel so much further ahead in the process than he is, that do be honest I think I am selling myself short by hanging on. I feel I am hanging on by a string at the moment, but he is simply not able to be there for me in the way (quite limited in true DA style!) that I need. It's a shame as there is still so much good - but the distance, which was a big pull for me in the past, is now a bit of a turn off. I feel brave enough to really dance the dance with a partner who is ready to do the same - or if not then on my own is just fine too.
I haven't voiced any of this to him - he's withdrawn communication wise at the moment and the moment hasn't arrived but I know deep down that this kind of relationship with limited communication and no mutual support is just not what I want going forward.
I also care enough about myself nowadays and trust myself enough to really know this - it's not a deactivation in response to closeness - it's a deeper recognition that disfunction is keeping me stuck.
I am using Junipers meditation asking the ancestors for support - love it and it really helps to make me feel and accept being loved and loving. So it's kind of good and bad, happy and sad really.
ahhh, i understand. this is where my process took me, as well- and beyond, as once i defined for myself what it is i want and need, it appeared in short order and i'm enjoying the.beginnings of a new relationship that's been very warm and consistent so far. The decision to let go was poignant, and sad, it was a loss, but a calculated one. does that make sense? i handled both myself and my former partner with tenderness and care, and the mutual care and respect and warmth continues now. in fact i just got off the phone with him, as he was in a motorcycle accident and is hospitalized. it's a surreal deal but it is what it is. like you, i've grown to enough emotional security and availability to understand that without consistency and a level of reliability and shared agenda, a real tangible commitment to togetherness and sharing, predictably.... i feel destabilized and discontent. where intimacy used to trigger me, that morphed to feeling more comfortable with intimacy, and getting triggered by his deactivation and unavailability. i need someone showing up in the way that i know i can, now. our conversations about it were warm and serious and understanding, and completely unambiguous. it was time for me to let go, for both of us. the relationship provided a lot of growth and good things for both of us, and now evolution is at hand and it's time to release it for the next right thing. It comes down to the security of knowing that you know yourself well enough to understand and honor your needs. relationships are mutually negotiable. if the negotiations can't be mutually beneficial and satisfying, then the commitment to yourself and your well being may rightfully prevail. it's not the easiest thing to do but neither is childbirth. it's a process, a transformation, an inevitable outcome of gestation that comes to fullness. there's an element of the unknown, like with childbirth also. you've got that new life to take care of and help develop. there isn't a manual. you work it out a day at a time, with your commitment to providing care, nurture, protection, and opportunity. we can do the same for us that we do for our children, we can provide the conditions for the life we envision. sometimes that means removing what no longer serves, what is worn out, what no longer fits. to allow for something new. |
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Post by ocarina on Nov 3, 2018 19:35:26 GMT
Juniper - as so often, you have described things in exactly the way they feel to me. I hope I can navigate this in the way that you describe with wisdom and presence.
I am not quite there yet - but I am also extremely firm in the security of my own needs and wants and the conviction that I neither want or wish to manipulate someone not ready to change into change for my sake. I am enjoying the feeling of my own security and feel increasingly optimistic for the future, infinitely more so than a year ago so that is all good.
Reliability and a shared agenda are exactly what I feel are missing - last time round, I felt I could accept this, but now I know that if I am to give myself physically and emotionally to another person, this is a non negotiable. That commitment to togetherness sums it up beautifully. Before I would have pushed forward in the name of love and hoped that by being my best self I would make him show up but I am wiser now. He messaged me asking if I would like dinner this evening - but it's already early evening and I am settled in my warm home by the fire and can't bring myself to make room for yet another last minute call out. Funnily enough I have another friend - a man, he's kind, warm and reliable and communication is easy, we met on the beach today and agreed to get together to walk our dogs soon - it was so easy and comfortable in a way that I fear my current relationship will never be. Food for thought.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2018 19:51:13 GMT
Juniper - as so often, you have described things in exactly the way they feel to me. I hope I can navigate this in the way that you describe with wisdom and presence. I am not quite there yet - but I am also extremely firm in the security of my own needs and wants and the conviction that I neither want or wish to manipulate someone not ready to change into change for my sake. I am enjoying the feeling of my own security and feel increasingly optimistic for the future, infinitely more so than a year ago so that is all good. Reliability and a shared agenda are exactly what I feel are missing - last time round, I felt I could accept this, but now I know that if I am to give myself physically and emotionally to another person, this is a non negotiable. That commitment to togetherness sums it up beautifully. Before I would have pushed forward in the name of love and hoped that by being my best self I would make him show up but I am wiser now. He messaged me asking if I would like dinner this evening - but it's already early evening and I am settled in my warm home by the fire and can't bring myself to make room for yet another last minute call out. Funnily enough I have another friend - a man, he's kind, warm and reliable and communication is easy, we met on the beach today and agreed to get together to walk our dogs soon - it was so easy and comfortable in a way that I fear my current relationship will never be. Food for thought. i get it! i get it. the relationship i am building with an equally available man is very easy, it has its own momentum, and teamwork and shared objectives are the foundation of it. there's a really natural flow- whether it's talking about what to do for dinner, what our individual needs and priorities for the day are, how we will satisfy our personal preferences in a joyfully cooperative way, all of it is just effortless compared to an insecure pairing. and that's all it is, an insecure pairing can't , by nature... offer security. no crimes involved. just the limitations of wounded people. there is so much i appreciate about my last relationship that i have carried forward, also. it's not like i traded shit for gold. i appreciate the things my former partner and i were able to help heal in each other. one thing that i appreciate about him is the kindness and listening he offered me as i peeled off my mask and became authentic. i've shared before, he gave me a safe space to feel myself out and learn how to express myself. he let me be an Ambassador of My Own Heart with him and he respected that. In a couple of conversations and situations with my new partner that could easily lead to hardness or defensiveness, i've been able to stand in my own space as that sincere ambassador and my new partner has welcomed me as well. I learned to show up in a new way during my last relationship and it's making this even healthier and more intimate new relationship possible. so, nothing is lost. everything gained will multiply. losses will be assimilated into the larger pattern of evolution and growth. easy does it. enjoy what feels good. loosen the grip on the rest. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 3, 2018 20:44:37 GMT
“so, nothing is lost. everything gained will multiply. losses will be assimilated into the larger pattern of evolution and growth.”
”easy does it. enjoy what feels good. loosen the grip on the rest.”
I LOVE that mindset above because it’s the opposite of an anxious mindset. It’s one of confidence, self assurance and security. Faith in good things to come.
“Enjoy! Loosen up!!” To an AP those things sound impossible for any length of time but so necessary.
In reading literature about AP I found insecure ways primarily affected my relationships with my intimate partners, but I’m finding the anxiety part of AP to be prevalent in all areas of my life. I just thought the anxiety was normal functioning- like a person who is born blind and never knew what it was like to see. I never knew what confidence and security felt like or what I was missing. How would we know what we are missing if we never experienced it? Maybe that’s why I’m finally addressing attachment trauma into my 40’s...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2018 20:56:21 GMT
“so, nothing is lost. everything gained will multiply. losses will be assimilated into the larger pattern of evolution and growth.” ”easy does it. enjoy what feels good. loosen the grip on the rest.” I LOVE that mindset above because it’s the opposite of an anxious mindset. It’s one of confidence, self assurance and security. Faith in good things to come. “Enjoy! Loosen up!!” To an AP those things sound impossible for any length of time but so necessary. In reading literature about AP I found insecure ways primarily affected my relationships with my intimate partners, but I’m finding the anxiety part of AP to be prevalent in all areas of my life. I just thought the anxiety was normal functioning- like a person who is born blind and never knew what it was like to see. I never knew what confidence and security felt like or what I was missing. How would we know what we are missing if we never experienced it? Maybe that’s why I’m finally addressing attachment trauma into my 40’s... haha i get it--- this is what it's like being dismissive avoidant also. it only looks weird or broken from the outside, and people's expectations of what it should be like for me don't resonate, it's like a foreign idea completely. at least before awareness. keep going ! |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 3, 2018 23:32:17 GMT
Something I'm not sure of in these situations-- when do you just decide that since the other person isn't where you're at it's time to separate, and when do you invite them on the journey with you and see if they're able and willing? It could take a lot of work, but if you want to sustain a relationship it would be worth inviting them on the journey. It's possible they want to make similar changes. At least have conversations about it before making assumptions about the person.
Granted people often really aren't ready at the same time, but sometimes I think people make assumptions their DA partner is unwilling to work on things, when that might not be the case.
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Post by ocarina on Nov 4, 2018 11:38:42 GMT
Something I'm not sure of in these situations-- when do you just decide that since the other person isn't where you're at it's time to separate, and when do you invite them on the journey with you and see if they're able and willing? It could take a lot of work, but if you want to sustain a relationship it would be worth inviting them on the journey. It's possible they want to make similar changes. At least have conversations about it before making assumptions about the person. Granted people often really aren't ready at the same time, but sometimes I think people make assumptions their DA partner is unwilling to work on things, when that might not be the case. I hear what you are saying - we have a long old history of love and dysfunction and to be honest, now that I am increasingly self aware and boundaried, I am more aware of what I need and more aware of how far he is from that. I have invited him on the journey as such - told him I needed this relationship to become a joint venture so to speak - and time and time again he's said this is what we wants - but wanting and being able to do the deep work to make this happen, is a very different thing and at the moment all I have to go on is that despite me being increasingly open and vulnerable, his side remains closed and super independent.
I have to decide my own limit - I am not willing or able to be a mother, counsellor here - while we were apart and I was tearing through the pain, he spent the majority of the time denying and drinking his way past whatever it was he didn't want to feel - the love he feels now has been really quite a recent thing and it requires some kind of guidance which up to now he's been unwilling to take, in order to build a sustainable and mutually satisfying relationship.
There's no big drama - but also nothing here to make me willing to jump in feet first and I think this is wisdom and self care rather than avoidance speaking.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2018 15:10:45 GMT
Something I'm not sure of in these situations-- when do you just decide that since the other person isn't where you're at it's time to separate, and when do you invite them on the journey with you and see if they're able and willing? It could take a lot of work, but if you want to sustain a relationship it would be worth inviting them on the journey. It's possible they want to make similar changes. At least have conversations about it before making assumptions about the person. Granted people often really aren't ready at the same time, but sometimes I think people make assumptions their DA partner is unwilling to work on things, when that might not be the case. in answer to the question when do you decide? when you trust your descretion and know what you are or are not willing to partake further in. for me, the decision comes by opening and letting go of notions enough to see things as they really are, as opposed to how i would like them to be. in a relationship with no commitment, i myself wouldn't invite a partner on a journey to address their issues standing in the way. that's me. i prefer to partner up with someone who can readily and healthily participate in a mutual relationship so i can get on with my growth and happiness and have a stable base of partnership to launch from and return to, an asset to my life rather than a project. If someone isn't including me in holiday plans i doubt i will be considering LIFE plans and a remodeling project with them- im just not into rehabilitation of grownups. For example- in my last relationship, there was consistent effort, we were on a journey together... and for what we accomplished individually and as a couple, it was great! And, my level of recovery and commitment to growth took me to a place of realizing that my bar is higher, and he was unable due to various influences, to match my availability and commitment and presence. Bottom line? I want and am ready for more. I was at peace letting go, knowing that his path and my path were no longer the same path, and our priorities didn't match. i was able to be there for his hardships, his needs, his comfort, but unfortunately, he was unable to be there for mine. and i forgive that! i wouldn't trade places with him, he is in pain and overwhelmed. and he has to find his way, in his own way. he knows that. he trusts his own process as well. The last loss i faced without the comfort of his embrace was the last loss i was willing to face without the comfort of his embrace. we are both ok. i am more than ok! i've got someone embracing me.  |
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