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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 12:40:37 GMT
I'm looking for the purely dismissive perspective on this, just curious about the inner world of my fellow DA's on what you think and feel about having a partner who gives structure and form to a relationship with you.
as i've shared, i'm in a relationship with a secure/ap man and it's so natural and easy for him to create our relationship, and i'm so thankful for that. i know that relationships require two people and i am showing up and participating with my entire heart. so i feel i am actually being a really good partner and his happiness and expressions of love and contentment validate that.
But he really is the leader, and i love it because i see that i just don't have that same ability to just build with a plan, when it comes to relationship. he is building with a plan. and i am right beside him following his blueprint. because i LOVE his blueprint.
the way i said it to him when we were cuddling :
"i feel like we're velcro. you're the grabby part and i'm the part that can be grabbed."
it's just a good match. we are both happy. i don't feel manipulated and controlled. i feel like i'm being led where i want to go.
i think this could sound really horrible to a DA, to the old me, to anyone with an experience of engulfment. but that's not it.
he initiates plans. he makes lots of space in his life and invites me and the kids into it. his energy is very inclusive, warm, and assertive. he's very demonstrative. he's generous and kind, and always aware of my needs, he asks what i need and then listens and respects that. so i am in full autonomy , and i of course don't have any difficulty with ensuring my needs are met.
So the question might be, what about his needs? he is very open and comfortable expressing them, and they are easy. Basically, i just respond in a loving way by meeting them. it isn't hard. So, for instance, he doesn't just say "when can i see you?". he invites me for a nice meal, or a nice plan. he arranges the activity and is so energetic to make it happen, all i have to do is show up happy and love on him.
i mean, i just love it. i can't do what he is doing. i just can't. it's like i don't have that setting. But i can respond and participate gratefully.
My natural way of course is to put all that energy and planning and happy anticipation into solitude. it's so funny.
we are so opposite but making this work very smoothly.
i don't have or need as much solitude as i have prior- not with him. and when i have that longing, it's easy to meet that need because he supports me and i have explained my DA process and progress very well.
At his house, i have lots of physical space because it is very large. and so he can do his thing and come visit me where i am and then go do his thing, im kind of hermity in the house but i like his little visits.
I told him that my natural environment, the one i thrive in, at my home, includes lots of actual outdoor nature and i miss going outside to lay under trees.
at his house, it is a wooded area but it's a neighborhood, not an open wild space.
i've been a little wilted without my tree time. So, he wants to go buy me a hammock to string between two pines to give me a place to lay still and be under a tree. that happens to be a favorite way for me to meditate, process feelings, or just enjoy silence and stillness.
I just feel so naturally supported. like he gives me the space i need to be free but provides a structure of a relationship for me have shelter in, and it feels like home.
it makes me see my limited capacity to create that, in stark contrast. but it's enough for me to participate in what he's creating. that makes me a co-creator, the best i can. i'm just very thankful that it works. and he is so happy, also. it just flows.
i'm really peaceful. do you think you could be this way, is it imaginable? i couldn't imagine such a thing before. it just would make me deflate i think. but in a healthy and supportive dynamic it's extremely good.
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Post by ocarina on Nov 7, 2018 15:12:46 GMT
I have been dancing around my house on a well earned day off from my demanding, challenging job - I have run in the rain, laughed on my own in the sea spray and funnily was just thinking how wonderfully freeing it is to be able to listen loudly to music and be just darn foolish once in a while.
I would not want to co habit at the moment - but i do welcome the clumsy structure my dismissive partner gives to our relationship - he does more of the planning than I. I think in my case it's life stages - I have a full on family life, artistic work in my spare time and then full on professional stuff too so in part I just don't think I have the capacity at the moment for what you describe. My journey here has been hard won and it would take quite something to tear me from my countryside quiet and my strangeness. I have just bought a shepherds hut as a personal sanctuary away from the chaos - maybe that's what you need?!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 15:26:42 GMT
I have been dancing around my house on a well earned day off from my demanding, challenging job - I have run in the rain, laughed on my own in the sea spray and funnily was just thinking how wonderfully freeing it is to be able to listen loudly to music and be just darn foolish once in a while. I would not want to co habit at the moment - but i do welcome the clumsy structure my dismissive partner gives to our relationship - he does more of the planning than I. I think in my case it's life stages - I have a full on family life, artistic work in my spare time and then full on professional stuff too so in part I just don't think I have the capacity at the moment for what you describe. My journey here has been hard won and it would take quite something to tear me from my countryside quiet and my strangeness. I have just bought a shepherds hut as a personal sanctuary away from the chaos - maybe that's what you need?! i typically live very much like you describe. i have my place of course still but opt to stay at his a lot- first because he was nursing me back to health and now i just like to be there. BUT- we work opposite schedules. it's perfect. He goes to work in the afternoon, so that's my time. Im picking up my art work again, and my physical space need for that is small, i just sculpt small things. so i can do my crazy stuff, art stuff, meditation stuff, all in the wonderful home he makes available to me and in solitude. then we connect in the shared times and it's just been groovy. i am scouting out the wild places nearby. a client of mine lives down the road and told me we are very close to open space. so i will have my wandering grounds mapped out shortly. for the most part i have the wild side still, its just been different domicile. hes extremely supportive of that. after all- i told him the woman he's falling for, i built from the ground up, so he has to let me be as i am to be what he loves. he understood that completely and i've not felt one bit impinged. we are very different in many ways but he thinks my quirks are fascinating and beautiful. how lucky am i. i'm feeling lucky! |
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 7, 2018 15:43:37 GMT
But he really is the leader, and i love it because i see that i just don't have that same ability to just build with a plan, when it comes to relationship. he is building with a plan. and i am right beside him following his blueprint. because i LOVE his blueprint. ...... he initiates plans. he makes lots of space in his life and invites me and the kids into it. his energy is very inclusive, warm, and assertive. he's very demonstrative. he's generous and kind, and always aware of my needs, he asks what i need and then listens and respects that. so i am in full autonomy , and i of course don't have any difficulty with ensuring my needs are met. ....... i'm really peaceful. do you think you could be this way, is it imaginable? i couldn't imagine such a thing before. it just would make me deflate i think. but in a healthy and supportive dynamic it's extremely good. I amd glad you are happy! I can imagine a similar dynamic working for me. In the two serious relationships I had, the guys were secure and assertive. Both were raised conservatively to be the leader in the relationship, though neither was politically conservative or religious. For me it would be essential to love his blueprint, if he cherishes me and if I like the direction he is going in, I'd gladly let him direct me. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 16:11:42 GMT
But he really is the leader, and i love it because i see that i just don't have that same ability to just build with a plan, when it comes to relationship. he is building with a plan. and i am right beside him following his blueprint. because i LOVE his blueprint. ...... he initiates plans. he makes lots of space in his life and invites me and the kids into it. his energy is very inclusive, warm, and assertive. he's very demonstrative. he's generous and kind, and always aware of my needs, he asks what i need and then listens and respects that. so i am in full autonomy , and i of course don't have any difficulty with ensuring my needs are met. ....... i'm really peaceful. do you think you could be this way, is it imaginable? i couldn't imagine such a thing before. it just would make me deflate i think. but in a healthy and supportive dynamic it's extremely good. I amd glad you are happy! I can imagine a similar dynamic working for me. In the two serious relationships I had, the guys were secure and assertive. Both were raised conservatively to be the leader in the relationship, though neither was politically conservative or religious. For me it would be essential to love his blueprint, if he cherishes me and if I like the direction he is going in, I'd gladly let him direct me. the assertiveness and leadership in the relationshipnis so awesome. i'm assertive and a leader ALONE. and with my children. it's just not my capacity for a romance, or as in an intimate partnership. i don't have it in me. i love that he is spontaneous, nothing is rigid. it's just dynamic. i do feel cherished, just as i am. really, no niggling little vibe of "if only". he seems very content and relaxed with me, but he gives us the juice. it's so cool. you and i haven't had a chance to visit offline goldi but i often have wondered "i wonder if goldi would like this? " i thought you might be able to appreciate something like this, but i wasn't sure. we haven't talked a whole lot about what its been like to be settled in with a partner! so, it's totally new to me but a welcome development. plus the sex is fantastical, lol. so there's that. woot! |
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 7, 2018 16:42:36 GMT
I'd have some intimate viewpoints to share next time we zoom.
But I love that you like it as is, rather than if only.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 19:41:36 GMT
also, i was pondering something.
what's your perspective and capacity for planning and executing a relationship? i mean the time together thing.
activities and planned dates or together time.
i simply don't seem to have that mode.
it's not that i have an aversion to doing that , really.
wait yes i do. i totally do.
i just can't do it. if it's left to me it won't happen.
inert, again.
with all my growth in security and overcoming DA isolation i still can't do this.
i'm not trying to change it now, i accept it and have obviously found the inhale to my exhale.
but i'm wondering what it's like for you.
maybe if i can experience your expression around this it will jog me to understand my own thing around it
maybe not, it's not a big deal to me.
do you think most people plan easily and fluidly with their partner? like, just naturally pick a thing to do and go do it with their partner?
just wondering what you think, as dismissives, what's your perception of that?
i don't really need to hear from other types on it. i'm looking for input from DA about how it is for them personally and how they PERCEIVE the relationship activity thing in people in general, if that makes sense. maybe lots of people are like this, idk.
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 7, 2018 20:58:47 GMT
also, i was pondering something. what's your perspective and capacity for planning and executing a relationship? i mean the time together thing. activities and planned dates or together time. Limited. I can organise for friends, but then organising two or three events a year tends to suffice. Also, I feel little sexual attraction if I have to take the lead. |
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Post by ocarina on Nov 7, 2018 21:56:50 GMT
It's something both me and my partner are terribly clumsy about and for this reason I have simply had to perfect it. I can organise myself - just - but factor in someone else and very often my preference for solitude takes over and I find it difficult to commit.
We kind of shuffle our way around this. My particular issue at the moment is that I have a full on job - new in the last 18 months, which requires holidays to be planned way in advance, I can't bear this - how do I know how and what I will feel like even next week let alone next year?
I think both my partner and I have built fairly unstructured lives for this reason - that planning and the kind of strict rigidity of most peoples lives doesn't really suit us.
One thing that has become obvious to us both since we have reunited is the need to carve out together time. Since I last posted we discussed this and at the moment I am as ever, sitting with the situation and allowing it to be. I aspire to a relation in balance even though I know I tend to sit back and allow my partner to drive things forward - in reality I think part of this is a kind of passivity which comes from avoidance. At the moment therefore I am putting on my big girl pants and trying to participate fully in this kind of engagement also. It doesn't come naturally though.
I wonder if part of the issue is that being the planner and executor leaves one vulnerable to rejection in some way - being passive kind of removes the risk.
We laugh about our inability to decide where to go on dates, but I do think that over time it's something that we have both become better at. I simply can't and won't do it all - and so if he doesn't pick up the slack, it simply won't happen, therefore most of the time he does!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 22:57:28 GMT
this sounds awful.
i care nothing about rejection.
i just can't be bothered , my need for ease takes over and i say "nah."
so simple to flow easy by myself.
but i love flowing with his momentum.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 22:58:36 GMT
also, i was pondering something. what's your perspective and capacity for planning and executing a relationship? i mean the time together thing. activities and planned dates or together time. Limited. I can organise for friends, but then organising two or three events a year tends to suffice. Also, I feel little sexual attraction if I have to take the lead. me too!!!! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 23:05:08 GMT
i'm proud of how he takes care of us though, and i take good care of him in my way, i love on him a lot and touch is my language, and acts of service.
and i make myself available easily for him.
i admire his bigness in this. i don't feel the need to change, we both accept this in me, it's ok. i don't feel bad, i just know my nature with this and glad i have a complimentary partner.
i don't reject this in myself at all.
what i'm saying is, it's not that i don't care.
that's just not what i bring.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 14:21:22 GMT
also, i was pondering something. what's your perspective and capacity for planning and executing a relationship? i mean the time together thing. activities and planned dates or together time. i simply don't seem to have that mode. it's not that i have an aversion to doing that , really. wait yes i do. i totally do. i just can't do it. if it's left to me it won't happen. inert, again. with all my growth in security and overcoming DA isolation i still can't do this. i'm not trying to change it now, i accept it and have obviously found the inhale to my exhale. but i'm wondering what it's like for you. maybe if i can experience your expression around this it will jog me to understand my own thing around it maybe not, it's not a big deal to me. do you think most people plan easily and fluidly with their partner? like, just naturally pick a thing to do and go do it with their partner? just wondering what you think, as dismissives, what's your perception of that? i don't really need to hear from other types on it. i'm looking for input from DA about how it is for them personally and how they PERCEIVE the relationship activity thing in people in general, if that makes sense. maybe lots of people are like this, idk. , I am so happy to hear your relationship is going so well. It sounds like you are doing very well with the interdependency which is so hard for me. I have no capacity to plan a relationship. The ones I have been in, I fell into or they persisted with me. I had no idea where they would go and didn't think much of it. As far as planning time together, I have limited capacity. If there is a show or something I would like to do with him, I can plan it , if it's not too far in advance. Otherwise, a lot of things were spontaneous, spur of the moment. I think it is a DA thing, not to plan too much in the future. I'm sure it's because it scares me, but it just feels like I don't think about it. I would like to get into a more planned relationship, but I think my fear is still too strong. I think I am falling into something right now and not sure if I should. It's all very confusing, so I know where you are coming from. It sounds like your bf now is more of a driving force, planning it and moving it in a forward direction, which is nice. Enjoy it! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 14:26:08 GMT
@mary, i'd love to keep sharing about all this if it will support you, it helps me too.
and yes- he is the driving force and it's so helpful.
i've always been looked to to be the driving force but don't have that capacity and so have been beat up about it.
this is much better for me.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 14:42:11 GMT
@mary , i'd love to keep sharing about all this if it will support you, it helps me too. and yes- he is the driving force and it's so helpful. i've always been looked to to be the driving force but don't have that capacity and so have been beat up about it. this is much better for me. Thank you. My last break up really gave me a lot of insight into myself and my patterns. It's great but also has put me at a loss as to what my needs are and how to find that happy medium. I have let others be the driving force, but never liked where they drove me to. I think it's too early for me to get into another relationship right now, but I am feeling a little drawn in. |
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