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Post by sissyk on Dec 5, 2018 16:07:53 GMT
Update on my update. Ouch. I could not resist texting him after a week of silence. I was brief and upbeat and I said if my directness overwhelmed him I was sorry and I would be happy to keep things squarely in friend zone as I value his company more than categories. Which I on real reflection do--or did. He has not replied. Ouch ouch. I am realizing though that the past seven months were in some ways a series of small rejections--an unanswered text, a rain check, a invitation not followed through on. This is just the latest--and maybe last. We have/had a real connection in a lot of ways but I am painfully aware that he would never be a good partner unless he wants to work hard and I see no sign of that. He ran at the first really direct talk and doesn't have the ability or instinct to empathize with me. The Gottman Institute (the marriage research folks) have found that in good relationships, people respond to most of the many small "bids for intimacy" partners offer each other daily and he has not been able to. Feeling appropriately sad here and also like the past months were a bit of a mirage. But I just had to be direct and don't think I could have played this otherwise. I want someone who is sturdy enough to give to me too. I think that it is best to rephrase it as not mini rejections but more of an inability on his part to meet you where you are at...that way...it isn't about you...but more about him. He has revealed to you who he is....so now you have the information you need to move forward. Unrelated: I sent B a text message this morning as a touch base and he has not responded yet...and it is soooooo easy for me to interpret it as rejection....but that is my interpretation of silence versus knowing his true intentions. And when I have jumped to that conclusion in the past and have owned it as rejection...then it impacts my mood, it raises my anxiety and has made me scared that I did something "wrong"....but that is a little girl's response to silence as opposed to an adult. It says that his silence has meaning and input into my value and worth...which is something I am working on. Detangling my worth from his silence or his words or his actions will be a huge step forward for me because I do struggle with enmeshment and giving people I care about power over my thoughts about myself/them and my reactions. Then I believe I have the same power/influence over them. It truly is exhausting to try to untangle things. That is a good point about rejection. I am sorry for DA/FA too as he really wants a relationship (OK, maybe not with me!) and has lamented to me his loneliness and has said-propheticlly, it appears- he is bad at relationships. He is likely not replying because he doesn't have the words or the emotional tolerance to end things or even make sense of things, or he has decided I am an overly emotional needy person who hmmmmmppphhhhh he doesn't need in his life!!!!!! You are right I can't mindread. I do have real empathy for his struggle with personal demons but can't fix that. |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 5, 2018 16:08:55 GMT
That is a good point about rejection. I am sorry for DA/FA too as he really wants a relationship (OK, maybe not with me!) and has lamented to me his loneliness and has said-prophetically, it appears- he is bad at relationships.
He is likely not replying because he doesn't have the words or the emotional tolerance to end things or even make sense of things, or he has decided I am an overly emotional needy person who hmmmmmppphhhhh he doesn't need in his life!!!!!! You are right I can't mindread.
I do have real empathy for his struggle with personal demons but can't fix that.
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Post by ocarina on Dec 5, 2018 16:58:36 GMT
That is a good point about rejection. I am sorry for DA/FA too as he really wants a relationship (OK, maybe not with me!) and has lamented to me his loneliness and has said-prophetically, it appears- he is bad at relationships. He is likely not replying because he doesn't have the words or the emotional tolerance to end things or even make sense of things, or he has decided I am an overly emotional needy person who hmmmmmppphhhhh he doesn't need in his life!!!!!! You are right I can't mindread. I do have real empathy for his struggle with personal demons but can't fix that. I could have written your story - both myself and my ex partner felt the connection really really strongly, he wanted time and time again to work on things, disappeared totally for 18 months when I said I was struggling in the relationship and needed more time/support and then reappeared recently full of undying love. Each time I have wanted to trust that something will have changed - but it never does and I now realise he cannot give me what I need.
You are right about the constant drip drip drip of neglect (it feels like rejection but isn't personal) - it erodes trust and fosters anxiety in a partner. You have done all the right things here and it's a huge lesson - just wanting to be in a relationship with someone isn't enough - it takes skills and a willingness to look at patterns and behaviours which is very very challenging.
He may well be back/ reply - careful getting sucked back by the euphoria when you do here from him again - tread carefully your emotional wellbeing is important.
As an aside - the communication difficulties in my relationship came from my partner being on the autistic spectrum (undiagnosed) - the obsessive hobbies, solitary life, not replying to texts, etc that you described rang a few alarm bells for me. May be totally off track here and to be honest it makes no difference really - but might be worth a thought.
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Post by sissyk on Dec 5, 2018 18:01:57 GMT
Thank you all so much!!!! These boards have helped me sort out this situation and not make it about ME so much!
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Post by ocarina on Dec 5, 2018 19:57:20 GMT
Thank you all so much!!!! These boards have helped me sort out this situation and not make it about ME so much! You've done a really good job.
These kind of relationships are confusing and crazy making simply because none of it adds up - someone who wants to be with you, but then doesn't, connection then disappearance. It lacks the kind of consistency that healthy behaviours have and yet keeps you hooked because it's mostly so good - just not in a few important ways. Your reaction is natural and normal and being honest and upfront early on rather than perpetuating the dynamic by being accepting at your own expense shows real wisdom and maturity.
I didn't know until I was in one, just how bonkers relationships could be (was also married for year, have kids etc). We live and learn!
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 6, 2018 1:05:42 GMT
Sissyk you've been very mature and wisely reflective and healthy about all this I think.
I hope you still get that horse-time sharing friendship with fun talks with him someday, but yeah, basically writing to say you're rockin' it and being an inspiration to others.
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 6, 2018 4:35:34 GMT
That is a good point about rejection. I am sorry for DA/FA too as he really wants a relationship (OK, maybe not with me!) and has lamented to me his loneliness and has said-prophetically, it appears- he is bad at relationships. He is likely not replying because he doesn't have the words or the emotional tolerance to end things or even make sense of things, or he has decided I am an overly emotional needy person who hmmmmmppphhhhh he doesn't need in his life!!!!!! You are right I can't mindread. I do have real empathy for his struggle with personal demons but can't fix that. “Self-fulfilling” prophecy. When someone tells you they are bad at relationships- listen. My advice was and is the same- run before you fall in love and your hurt is wide open and vulnerable to heartache. I fell for a DA who months after being great, attentive and loving, fled after a few conflicts. Now, a year after our break, his heart is still shut down and he can’t/won’t trust. When someone tells you something about them upfront- listen. I’ve learned that lesson. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 6, 2018 12:12:54 GMT
Thank you all so much!!!! These boards have helped me sort out this situation and not make it about ME so much! You've done a really good job.
These kind of relationships are confusing and crazy making simply because none of it adds up - someone who wants to be with you, but then doesn't, connection then disappearance. It lacks the kind of consistency that healthy behaviours have and yet keeps you hooked because it's mostly so good - just not in a few important ways. Your reaction is natural and normal and being honest and upfront early on rather than perpetuating the dynamic by being accepting at your own expense shows real wisdom and maturity.
I didn't know until I was in one, just how bonkers relationships could be (was also married for year, have kids etc). We live and learn!
They truly are and I have been hooked on this dynamic for over 20 years. I so appreciate ocarina and sissyk and so many others...the different perspectives..it is refreshing to see people who wanted the relationship to work, but could see that it would not without self or other blame. Really helpful to my own journey where I am often too invested early on and am so "me" focused (but not in the stick up for myself way, but in a my worth is tied to how you see me). I made some doozy of poor choices along the way and hopeful to really be a truly advocate for myself in the future. |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 7, 2018 0:35:07 GMT
That is a good point about rejection. I am sorry for DA/FA too as he really wants a relationship (OK, maybe not with me!) and has lamented to me his loneliness and has said-prophetically, it appears- he is bad at relationships. He is likely not replying because he doesn't have the words or the emotional tolerance to end things or even make sense of things, or he has decided I am an overly emotional needy person who hmmmmmppphhhhh he doesn't need in his life!!!!!! You are right I can't mindread. I do have real empathy for his struggle with personal demons but can't fix that. “Self-fulfilling” prophecy. When someone tells you they are bad at relationships- listen. My advice was and is the same- run before you fall in love and your hurt is wide open and vulnerable to heartache. I fell for a DA who months after being great, attentive and loving, fled after a few conflicts. Now, a year after our break, his heart is still shut down and he can’t/won’t trust. When someone tells you something about them upfront- listen. I’ve learned that lesson. He told me in early goings he was bad at relationships, yes. And while I had that on my radar, I also took it as a worthy challenge. "But you have never met someone as understanding and flexible as me! I see you and you are worth some struggle!" And I did feel a strong connection to a lonely difficult but very cool soul. I honestly don't regret giving it a whirl. But I also don't regret being candid when I finally had to. If I had just fled when he told me he was bad at this one month in I think I would have regretted that too. The destination ended the same but sometimes you need to walk the walk to learn that for yourself. And man I have learned a lot! |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 7, 2018 3:00:48 GMT
ocarina This puts is so perfectly! "the constant drip drip drip of neglect (it feels like rejection but isn't personal) - it erodes trust and fosters anxiety in a partner." I don't have an anxiety thing but my avoidant sure brought me some! And its.... their trust and anxiety issues(for FA types) are projected and even the securest person is triggered into anxiousness. I go in trusting, he so eroded it. A thing they fear and I don't, I 'fear' with them now. Im just glad he made me grow and not hinder my trust in the future like it might for some. I find this attachment thing so interesting and how we behave. I dont know what its like to not connect/have intimacy or live with such anxiety/avoidance it messes with your life. I just. cannot. imagine. I had this small dose and I dont want that ever again! LOL Sissy Im glad you're doing what you need to do, I did with my avoidant. You said what you needed to say like I did with mine. Ive learned so much here/this past year in my avoidant situation-ship lol and glad people share their experiences. Im pretty self aware and its like I knew nothing! haha
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Post by sissyk on Dec 11, 2018 17:11:35 GMT
Update on soap opera. DA sent a brief text that he hoped to get together as friends after holidays with clean slate. So glad he didn't ghost me for both our sake. Will see if he follows through.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2018 21:44:34 GMT
Update on soap opera. DA sent a brief text that he hoped to get together as friends after holidays with clean slate. So glad he didn't ghost me for both our sake. Will see if he follows through. I'm so happy to hear this sissyk, being ghosted is the worse feeling, you deserve better. You gave him the space he needed and that's a very secure thing to do, so well done as I know it hasn't been easy for you. Enjoy the holidays in the mean time. Sending blessings to you Xx |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 11, 2018 22:25:57 GMT
Update on soap opera. DA sent a brief text that he hoped to get together as friends after holidays with clean slate. So glad he didn't ghost me for both our sake. Will see if he follows through. Sissyk...good- I’m glad he did the decent thing. How many days did it take for him to reach out? When my ex was in a “weird place” recently, it took him 10 days to respond to a text from me. He said he didn’t want to keep me hanging, but I felt he already had! At that point, I was shutting down to protect myself. Did you respond to him? |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 12, 2018 2:19:17 GMT
Update on soap opera. DA sent a brief text that he hoped to get together as friends after holidays with clean slate. So glad he didn't ghost me for both our sake. Will see if he follows through. Sissyk...good- I’m glad he did the decent thing. How many days did it take for him to reach out? When my ex was in a “weird place” recently, it took him 10 days to respond to a text from me. He said he didn’t want to keep me hanging, but I felt he already had! At that point, I was shutting down to protect myself. Did you respond to him? It was a week after I texted him saying I was fine if he just wanted to be friendzone friends. Who can understand the timetable? I responded within the hour and said I would love to get together after the holidays and for him to message me when he was free. I hope he does do so. We will see but I am going to wait for him to reach out. Not in a strategic way but I still feel a bruised from making more of my share of overtures and repairs over the months and want to feel he is acting because he wants to. But I am happy he did not ghost me. That was a terrible feeling. And I am glad for his sake he didn't decide to just through another human connection in the rubbish heap. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 12, 2018 2:45:19 GMT
Sissyk...good- I’m glad he did the decent thing. How many days did it take for him to reach out? When my ex was in a “weird place” recently, it took him 10 days to respond to a text from me. He said he didn’t want to keep me hanging, but I felt he already had! At that point, I was shutting down to protect myself. Did you respond to him? It was a week after I texted him saying I was fine if he just wanted to be friendzone friends. Who can understand the timetable? I responded within the hour and said I would love to get together after the holidays and for him to message me when he was free. I hope he does do so. We will see but I am going to wait for him to reach out. Not in a strategic way but I still feel a bruised from making more of my share of overtures and repairs over the months and want to feel he is acting because he wants to. But I am happy he did not ghost me. That was a terrible feeling. And I am glad for his sake he didn't decide to just through another human connection in the rubbish heap. I get it- I also have made so much more effort that now he can step up or not, but I’m not going to keep investing in someone who doesn’t want me in his life anymore. At least not in the role I used to play as his girlfriend. Painful to go from someone’s everything to “occasional sometime when I can squeeze you in!” I’m just not having it anymore. Ghosting for periods of days to a week is his norm now. |
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