DA has been "single for decades" Hopeless?

sissyk it's good you're showing such self awareness - the dynamic does create a kind of intermittent reinforcement which can mimic the high of love.

It's a good thing to ponder - what do you really want out of friendship - what does friendship look like to you? No right or wrong answer, but as always it's very important to get out of his head and wondering what he thinks, what might happen, whether he will reach out or not. These things all just cloud the important issues - would you be ok it it was you making the effort? As friends would that matter to you?

It hasn't been long since you had great hopes for this as a relationship and I think for a friendship to really work, these hopes need to be totally put to bed - I guess the timescale depends on the individual, but again, something else to think about. Feelings for someone don't just disappear and friendships where one partner has unrequited desires for something more, comes with expectations.

Even if a friendship were to evolve there's no reason you would have to make all the effort or walk on eggshells - the ball's in your court as to whether you behave like that or not - and until the friendship is actually happening it's all supposition.

I am friends with my ex partner - and it's much easier now, with some distance, to observe things clearly. I was hoping for change which I now know won't come - and I can watch the emotions come and go in myself when he doesn't behave in the way I feel he should. Even as a friend, I need consistency and compassion - things that he doesn't bring and for this reason I am hesitant to tie up my precious time with him - but that being said, I can let go of the judging and resentment now that only friendship is on the cards. If I am honest, even friendship is becoming less appealing because I don't feel like investing too much in someone who can't reciprocate in important ways. I also notice that my very dear other friends are more important to me because I now cherish the things they naturally bring.

The ex was exciting, is clever, we have a lot in common, intellectually challenging, but at some point, without consistency and real compassion and presence, these qualities wore slightly thin.

Our relationship now is fine - really because I have un invested and so don't feel triggered - but I now like my friendships with a hefty dose of emotional intimacy and reciprocity so I suspect our friendship will die a death at some point simply because I don't want to pretzel myself to maintain it.

On the experience with maintaining friendships with a DA--mostly, no, it feels either impossible as they are absent, or not worth the lingering pain it might cause if old patterns repeated, or both.... But I do have an ex I think was probably DA (not sure now-- he appears happily married longterm), and we have a casual friendship now of the occasional postcard or social media comment, and we happily monitor and "like" each other's lives via Facebook posts and we meet for lunch twice a decade. If we lived in the same city it would probably be more of a friendship than that, but he's a bit of a world traveler, literally.

Thank you all!! I know that time and some distance has been very helpful to me in reflecting on our dynamic and more of the same is the best idea for now if we are to be friends in a healthy way.  This is also a good time to express gratitude for this site--I feel you all have saved me so much confusion and angst! 

He did send a short little text about horses and I texted about my travels. No plans to meet up. I think it feels right to keep a small line open in this way...

Will keep you posted!

I totally hear you. My hope is that maybe we were always better suited to friends than boy girl. But yes I still have some lingering feelings to burn off for sure!

And I believe there can be room for gray areas in relationships. After a rough patch, I'm now good friends with my ex husband who acquired a girlfriend and bought a house when we were still married.

And DA guy and I do have an eerie amount in common so don't want to rule out yet.

I've never read the book but I still can't really tell if this is what happened to me. I don't want to derail your thread... but since you mention it, I wonder if it's the same: I feel anxiety (really, just uncomfort and like I don't know how to act) after I'd get closer to DA guy, and he'd disappear right around that time almost like he knew it was a bad time, I'd be relieved I didn't have to see him. Is this different? Trying to figure out if that's me being "triggered AP" though it seems like it's not. AP is when you DO want to see them, right guys?

Can you describe how you mistook it for strong feelings for him?

I feel like a science experiment gone bad.

Yes yes yes! This is such an important distinction, and is definitely a real thing. I figured this out for myself 10 years ago, after a particularly toxic situation with an incomparably strong physical connection. Sparks I couldn't resist, to an unhealthy extent. And as the situation got worse and I got to know him better, it turned out I didn't even like him as a person because he was a bad guy. Yet, I felt this overwhelming passionate pull and knew I was responding disproportionately to the actual situation.

It was very strange and uncomfortable to sort this out. I was able to start recognizing that feeling, mistaking anxiety for passion and the foundation for the growth of love. But I didn't understand attachment theory or why it was happening, which as sissyk said is because of attachment wounding and those of us with anxious tendencies, either AP or FA, having our nervous systems flooded and overwhelmed. So I kept getting into these dance situations for another FIVE YEARS because why would sparks/chemistry lie?, and finally finally stopped when I could describe what was going on as opposed to just recognizing it. And for insecure attachers, that's why the advice for having a longer-lasting and more fulfilling relationship is don't make chasing attraction your number one priority.