Fearful avoidant: losing feelings in relationships
May 5, 2017 11:20:03 GMT
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Post by Oliv on May 5, 2017 11:20:03 GMT
So my girlfriend of 4 months is almost definitely a fearful avoidant, and her feelings for me have been very inconsistent, however I am not 100% sure this is because of her attachment style. She also suffers from severe depression, anxiety, and is just generally not very mentally stable. It should also be noted that she has a history of losing interest in guys when they show it back, not even out of a fear of commitment or a fear of being vulnerable, just purely as a physical attraction kind of thing. For example, she would have a crush on a boy for up to a year, and then lose all interest as soon as he showed interest. This kindof thing happened often, she tells me.
Anyways, I need help figuring out what is going on and what I can do about it. Heres the story:
We start going out on the tailend of the end of her first love. In her first relationship, there were alot of fights, and alot of breaking up and getting back together. She said there were many times where she would push him away, or convince herself she didnt have any feelings for him. As soon as she did this she would realise that the feelings were there, and the cycle would repeat.
So at the start, feelings for the ex are still there, but after a few weeks they subside a little and dont become as much of an issue. About 6-8 weeks in, she displays anxieties that are typical of her attachment type. She told me that she rushed into a relationship too soon, and that she feels hopeless about her depression and the only way she could hope to improve it is to focus on herself, not relying on boys for her self-esteem, and not being dependent on them, working to be okay being alone. I cared for her alot, and I really did want whats best for her because I could see how much her depression caused her to suffer, and so I told her I would consider it, if it was best for her. Anyways we both decide to stay together and nothing happens there.
In between this moment and our first breakup, something really weird happens. She has a massive anxiety attack, where afterwards she said alot of her anxiety about her ex left her. Its almost like she got closure regarding how things ended with her ex. Following this, theres a day where she finds herself head over heels in love with me, saying im perfect, and that she felt very vulnerable, and she thought that it wouldnt happen again so quickly but it definitely did. This only lasts a day, and afterwards she says she loves me but was not in love. I still havnt figured this one out, maybe she was confusing her feelings for me with her ex, as this was the period where she began to accept that her feelings for her ex wernt going away.
Maybe a month or two later we breakup for real. She tells me her feelings for her ex just are not going away and are actually getting stronger, and that it feels dishonest being with me, and that she had been feeling anxious/guilty about it. She also wanted to take the chance to be in the ex's life in any way at all (as in being friends and not being hated by him). This caught me by surprise, as although I had seen the warning signs, it all manifested very suddenly. After we breakup, she becomes very depressed and numb. But, she speaks to her ex, who says that one day, but not soon, they can be friends. This seems to give her alot of closure.
Shortly after, I see her again and her feelings come flooding back. This time they are stronger than they ever were in our relationship. This lasts about a week, and then things become a little more normal, and her depression returns to a normal level. However, she stops worrying that her feelings for her ex will come back, and they havnt so far. Her feelings (as usual) drop whilst shes depressed, but are stay relatively consistent otherwise, and were apparently still higher than they were during the relationship. We then basically had a test relationship, but neither of us labelled it a relationship, and to this day we have not officially gotten back together.
A short while after this, she has a period of about 4 days where her feelings decrease dramatically, and she switches between sortof manic energetic states and depression and numbness. Whilst she is feeling perfectly fine, she sends me a breakup text, saying her feelings arnt consistent enough for me, and that it feels unfair on me, because I invest so much into her. Later on she explains that at the time she thought if her feelings could go away so quickly then there must be a reason why, for example that it wasnt meant to be or whatever. This time, I really noticed the drop in emotion, and how she didnt have any feelings, but it didnt last. This breakup was unusual, because there wasnt much anxiety surrounding it, and no evidence that she was worried about being vulnerable or anything, more that she was worried that she might hurt me, but even then it didnt seem like a major concern worth breaking up over.
I was very surprised how impulsive she was in making this decision, given how her feelings only dropped for 4 days.
Merely a week later she comes to my house, and we sleep together, and this time her feelings come back stronger than they have ever been, and remain very strong. She also lost all feelings for her ex, and now even I am not worried theyl come back.
I just found out about attachment theory, and we have been discussing it, even though alot of it we already kindof knew. The problem now is, I dont see how any of it helps our situation, and im not sure how it applies. Her anxiety and protection mechanisms that might be leading her to think she doesnt have feelings are so subconscious that theyre impossible to deal with, or even detect. She feels secure with me, sometimes she doesnt like being vulnerable but in general thats not a big problem, at least consciously. Overall I get her to communicate with me about alot (even though it feels like I am pulling teeth sometimes) and I attend to all her needs, and I never make her feel like she cant trust me or be comfortable being in a relationship with me. Whilst she tries to communicate, shes alot more in touch with her emotions than what they actually mean and what they are caused by, so often she tells me she just doesnt know what they are, or she doesnt know why shes down/anxious or whatever. Its like she tries to be as open as she can be, but cannot fully understand her mind enough to let me in completely.
What im trying to say is, the more secure she gets in a relationship and the more it appears were doing the right things one should do with an anxious-avoidant type, the weaker her feelings get. This makes me wonder whether or not it actually is her attachment style, or something else entirely. We have basically tried everything one would normally try with fearful avoidants, and im definitely not the problem (im probably the perfect boyfriend to go through all this with)
The only thing we have left to try is for her to be more affectionate and loving, in a sort of artificial way in order to trick her mind into thinking she still has feelings, but im sceptical whether this will work. In the past her efforts in this regard, and how affectionate she actually is, are 100% dependent on her level of feelings.
So how does she break the cycle? Do we need to have a few more breakups until her feelings get so strong it stops being an issue? And why does breaking up and getting back together increase her feelings for me so dramatically? How can I give her security in a way where she doesnt lose feelings?
Anyways, I need help figuring out what is going on and what I can do about it. Heres the story:
We start going out on the tailend of the end of her first love. In her first relationship, there were alot of fights, and alot of breaking up and getting back together. She said there were many times where she would push him away, or convince herself she didnt have any feelings for him. As soon as she did this she would realise that the feelings were there, and the cycle would repeat.
So at the start, feelings for the ex are still there, but after a few weeks they subside a little and dont become as much of an issue. About 6-8 weeks in, she displays anxieties that are typical of her attachment type. She told me that she rushed into a relationship too soon, and that she feels hopeless about her depression and the only way she could hope to improve it is to focus on herself, not relying on boys for her self-esteem, and not being dependent on them, working to be okay being alone. I cared for her alot, and I really did want whats best for her because I could see how much her depression caused her to suffer, and so I told her I would consider it, if it was best for her. Anyways we both decide to stay together and nothing happens there.
In between this moment and our first breakup, something really weird happens. She has a massive anxiety attack, where afterwards she said alot of her anxiety about her ex left her. Its almost like she got closure regarding how things ended with her ex. Following this, theres a day where she finds herself head over heels in love with me, saying im perfect, and that she felt very vulnerable, and she thought that it wouldnt happen again so quickly but it definitely did. This only lasts a day, and afterwards she says she loves me but was not in love. I still havnt figured this one out, maybe she was confusing her feelings for me with her ex, as this was the period where she began to accept that her feelings for her ex wernt going away.
Maybe a month or two later we breakup for real. She tells me her feelings for her ex just are not going away and are actually getting stronger, and that it feels dishonest being with me, and that she had been feeling anxious/guilty about it. She also wanted to take the chance to be in the ex's life in any way at all (as in being friends and not being hated by him). This caught me by surprise, as although I had seen the warning signs, it all manifested very suddenly. After we breakup, she becomes very depressed and numb. But, she speaks to her ex, who says that one day, but not soon, they can be friends. This seems to give her alot of closure.
Shortly after, I see her again and her feelings come flooding back. This time they are stronger than they ever were in our relationship. This lasts about a week, and then things become a little more normal, and her depression returns to a normal level. However, she stops worrying that her feelings for her ex will come back, and they havnt so far. Her feelings (as usual) drop whilst shes depressed, but are stay relatively consistent otherwise, and were apparently still higher than they were during the relationship. We then basically had a test relationship, but neither of us labelled it a relationship, and to this day we have not officially gotten back together.
A short while after this, she has a period of about 4 days where her feelings decrease dramatically, and she switches between sortof manic energetic states and depression and numbness. Whilst she is feeling perfectly fine, she sends me a breakup text, saying her feelings arnt consistent enough for me, and that it feels unfair on me, because I invest so much into her. Later on she explains that at the time she thought if her feelings could go away so quickly then there must be a reason why, for example that it wasnt meant to be or whatever. This time, I really noticed the drop in emotion, and how she didnt have any feelings, but it didnt last. This breakup was unusual, because there wasnt much anxiety surrounding it, and no evidence that she was worried about being vulnerable or anything, more that she was worried that she might hurt me, but even then it didnt seem like a major concern worth breaking up over.
I was very surprised how impulsive she was in making this decision, given how her feelings only dropped for 4 days.
Merely a week later she comes to my house, and we sleep together, and this time her feelings come back stronger than they have ever been, and remain very strong. She also lost all feelings for her ex, and now even I am not worried theyl come back.
I just found out about attachment theory, and we have been discussing it, even though alot of it we already kindof knew. The problem now is, I dont see how any of it helps our situation, and im not sure how it applies. Her anxiety and protection mechanisms that might be leading her to think she doesnt have feelings are so subconscious that theyre impossible to deal with, or even detect. She feels secure with me, sometimes she doesnt like being vulnerable but in general thats not a big problem, at least consciously. Overall I get her to communicate with me about alot (even though it feels like I am pulling teeth sometimes) and I attend to all her needs, and I never make her feel like she cant trust me or be comfortable being in a relationship with me. Whilst she tries to communicate, shes alot more in touch with her emotions than what they actually mean and what they are caused by, so often she tells me she just doesnt know what they are, or she doesnt know why shes down/anxious or whatever. Its like she tries to be as open as she can be, but cannot fully understand her mind enough to let me in completely.
What im trying to say is, the more secure she gets in a relationship and the more it appears were doing the right things one should do with an anxious-avoidant type, the weaker her feelings get. This makes me wonder whether or not it actually is her attachment style, or something else entirely. We have basically tried everything one would normally try with fearful avoidants, and im definitely not the problem (im probably the perfect boyfriend to go through all this with)
The only thing we have left to try is for her to be more affectionate and loving, in a sort of artificial way in order to trick her mind into thinking she still has feelings, but im sceptical whether this will work. In the past her efforts in this regard, and how affectionate she actually is, are 100% dependent on her level of feelings.
So how does she break the cycle? Do we need to have a few more breakups until her feelings get so strong it stops being an issue? And why does breaking up and getting back together increase her feelings for me so dramatically? How can I give her security in a way where she doesnt lose feelings?
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