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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 2:17:34 GMT
I am full on into missing B mode...I haven't acted on it...but the sadness and longing are just so palpable and all I want to do is distract myself with TV or reach out for reassurance. I am fighting a cold, I am crampy and I had to get up really early for a work thing this morning..so my capacity is already pretty low. B texted me to let me know he was not going to be at the community today and I texted him back that I had a work event and then I asked how he was and there has not been a response...and me already in the missing, low capacity space has started to make up stories about what he is up to on zero information. Iam trying to keep the focus of this time to be one of curiousity rather than judgement......but I was very surprised at how long this feeling is gripping me today. Typically within a 30 minute time span I am back to normal.....not today...sigh.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 12, 2018 3:30:56 GMT
I am full on into missing B mode...I haven't acted on it...but the sadness and longing are just so palpable and all I want to do is distract myself with TV or reach out for reassurance. I am fighting a cold, I am crampy and I had to get up really early for a work thing this morning..so my capacity is already pretty low. B texted me to let me know he was not going to be at the community today and I texted him back that I had a work event and then I asked how he was and there has not been a response...and me already in the missing, low capacity space has started to make up stories about what he is up to on zero information. Iam trying to keep the focus of this time to be one of curiousity rather than judgement......but I was very surprised at how long this feeling is gripping me today. Typically within a 30 minute time span I am back to normal.....not today...sigh. I hear you on this. My ex DA backed out of tentative plans for last night and ignored 2 texts today- Friday was one year since our break and he’s been distancing since we saw each other Halloween night. I was feeling in an AP slump today, feeling bad, rejected, depressed, ruminating...and then I changed my mind set. He ignored 2 texts- so what??! This man doesn’t control me or influence my mood, my destiny or my life!! Why should I allow this guy to have any power over me? I won’t!! Ignoring my texts was a gift. He gave me the gift of clarity. He doesn’t focus on me or feel inclined to respond to me and, similarly, I need to place my focus firmly on me. I need to focus on things I can control and surround myself with people who care. Focus on my dreams, plans and purpose. If we’re meant to be we will be and nothing will keep us apart. Now is not the time....and I don’t want to force someone kicking or screaming to be with me. I’m worth more than that! And he wouldn’t respect that. If we don’t ever get back together than someone more suited for me and better for me will come into my life. In the meantime, I’m ok to focus on fostering my self-love. I know your ex is just a friend but focusing on self-love will diminish all anxious and insecure thoughts regarding him. I don’t know if you pray or go to church, but a couple verses came to mind today, encouraged my heart and restored my confidence: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make Your path straight.” The big picture will work out. We’re just not privy to it. Also, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and sound mind.” So when that anxiety is rising and I’m feeling rejected or abandoned, I remember these verses and pray God fills me with His perfect love that no one can steal or destroy. I stand on His promise to be filled with power, love and a sound mind- one that is calm and without worry. I don’t need reassurance of my self-worth from an ex who left me. I hand my anxiety over to God and I say “no more!” Maybe not in our timing, but in perfect timing, things will work out as they should, and this time we’re in right now, is that beautiful time of transformation when the caterpillar turns into the butterfly. This wait time is necessary. The results will be worth it when we’re soaring. Our best lessons will be learned in this season of uncertainty. I’m positive of that. So, don’t be discouraged but be encouraged by the beautiful work being done in you and the opportunity for belief and trust that is being fostered in you. We’ve got this! Hugs 🙂🙏🏻💗 |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 12:57:45 GMT
Thank you.....yes...I am a Christian as well....and I am trying to use this time to grow closer to God and trust in what His plans re for me. Today I am much better. Good sleep and prayer has gotten me over this hump. It was my birthday on Saturday so I was feeling a bit low not celebrating it with him....and I do miss the community because it was my single source of friendships....but I know me and I really cannot go back right now. Not until I can see B strictly from a friend perspective. I pray every day that God would transform my love for B so that it would be more reflective of hoe God loves B, without all the fleshy desires and jealousy etc...but so far, that transformation has not occurred so I will wait.
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Post by Lizzie on Nov 12, 2018 16:13:04 GMT
Why are you texting with him? It is so unhealthy, you are setting yourself up for hurt. Why? Draw the line, stop the contact, start healing.
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Post by epicgum on Nov 12, 2018 16:50:11 GMT
Thank you.....yes...I am a Christian as well....and I am trying to use this time to grow closer to God and trust in what His plans re for me. Today I am much better. Good sleep and prayer has gotten me over this hump. It was my birthday on Saturday so I was feeling a bit low not celebrating it with him....and I do miss the community because it was my single source of friendships....but I know me and I really cannot go back right now. Not until I can see B strictly from a friend perspective. I pray every day that God would transform my love for B so that it would be more reflective of hoe God loves B, without all the fleshy desires and jealousy etc...but so far, that transformation has not occurred so I will wait. When you say that the community was your sole source of friends, this kind of worries me tnr9 , you need friends that you can see irl. You absolutely cant do it on your own. Have you asked B to leave the community? Even if only for 6 month or so? Otherwise, can you find a new community where you can build new friendships? Curiosity is a good way to look at these things I think. Even if it horrible, you can at least take pleasure in the knowledge you've gained. Hugs! |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 12, 2018 16:53:11 GMT
I am full on into missing B mode...I haven't acted on it...but the sadness and longing are just so palpable and all I want to do is distract myself with TV or reach out for reassurance. I am fighting a cold, I am crampy and I had to get up really early for a work thing this morning..so my capacity is already pretty low. B texted me to let me know he was not going to be at the community today and I texted him back that I had a work event and then I asked how he was and there has not been a response...and me already in the missing, low capacity space has started to make up stories about what he is up to on zero information. Iam trying to keep the focus of this time to be one of curiousity rather than judgement......but I was very surprised at how long this feeling is gripping me today. Typically within a 30 minute time span I am back to normal.....not today...sigh. I hear you on this. My ex DA backed out of tentative plans for last night and ignored 2 texts today- Friday was one year since our break and he’s been distancing since we saw each other Halloween night. I was feeling in an AP slump today, feeling bad, rejected, depressed, ruminating...and then I changed my mind set. He ignored 2 texts- so what??! This man doesn’t control me or influence my mood, my destiny or my life!! Why should I allow this guy to have any power over me? I won’t!! Ignoring my texts was a gift. He gave me the gift of clarity. He doesn’t focus on me or feel inclined to respond to me and, similarly, I need to place my focus firmly on me. I need to focus on things I can control and surround myself with people who care. Focus on my dreams, plans and purpose. If we’re meant to be we will be and nothing will keep us apart. Now is not the time....and I don’t want to force someone kicking or screaming to be with me. I’m worth more than that! And he wouldn’t respect that. If we don’t ever get back together than someone more suited for me and better for me will come into my life. In the meantime, I’m ok to focus on fostering my self-love. I know your ex is just a friend but focusing on self-love will diminish all anxious and insecure thoughts regarding him. I don’t know if you pray or go to church, but a couple verses came to mind today, encouraged my heart and restored my confidence: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make Your path straight.” The big picture will work out. We’re just not privy to it. Also, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and sound mind.” So when that anxiety is rising and I’m feeling rejected or abandoned, I remember these verses and pray God fills me with His perfect love that no one can steal or destroy. I stand on His promise to be filled with power, love and a sound mind- one that is calm and without worry. I don’t need reassurance of my self-worth from an ex who left me. I hand my anxiety over to God and I say “no more!” Maybe not in our timing, but in perfect timing, things will work out as they should, and this time we’re in right now, is that beautiful time of transformation when the caterpillar turns into the butterfly. This wait time is necessary. The results will be worth it when we’re soaring. Our best lessons will be learned in this season of uncertainty. I’m positive of that. So, don’t be discouraged but be encouraged by the beautiful work being done in you and the opportunity for belief and trust that is being fostered in you. We’ve got this! Hugs 🙂🙏🏻💗 I think this is an interesting thing @faithlovehope , it sounds like you are using your idea of "gods love" as your secure base. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 16:56:50 GMT
Why are you texting with him? It is so unhealthy, you are setting yourself up for hurt. Why? Draw the line, stop the contact, start healing. Hi Lizzie...I get the question...I am working on myself to change the dynamic so that I can be a friend. I am very much aware of my desire for something more and it is all on my side of things...which is why I posted this here and not so much in the general section. Also....I think what has been stirred up by your question is good.....I can feel myself slipping into feelings of defiance while outwardly crying (it's been an interesting defense mechanism...a don't be mad at me for disagreeing/being angry at you tactic...very young and extremely automatic). The reality is....I am not ready to give B up....so since I am not willing to go down that direction...then I have to try to work through and heal where I can. Today, the healing is not hearing back from him and the fear that arises. Biggest question of all is why do I immediately think he is with someone else and not just busy with family, activities or simply left his phone somewhere. This is what always happens when I don't hear from him and I want to get to the root of it. And he just responded...so of course now the world is ok....even though the world was ok before. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 17:03:21 GMT
Thank you.....yes...I am a Christian as well....and I am trying to use this time to grow closer to God and trust in what His plans re for me. Today I am much better. Good sleep and prayer has gotten me over this hump. It was my birthday on Saturday so I was feeling a bit low not celebrating it with him....and I do miss the community because it was my single source of friendships....but I know me and I really cannot go back right now. Not until I can see B strictly from a friend perspective. I pray every day that God would transform my love for B so that it would be more reflective of hoe God loves B, without all the fleshy desires and jealousy etc...but so far, that transformation has not occurred so I will wait. When you say that the community was your sole source of friends, this kind of worries me tnr9 , you need friends that you can see irl. You absolutely cant do it on your own. Have you asked B to leave the community? Even if only for 6 month or so? Otherwise, can you find a new community where you can build new friendships? Curiosity is a good way to look at these things I think. Even if it horrible, you can at least take pleasure in the knowledge you've gained. Hugs! A while back B offered to leave the community and I said he should not on account of me. At the time I thought I was being generous....but now I see that I was denying my need....so there is some resentment. I don't know if I can go back...it doesn't seem safe anymore and I find myself wanting to avoid it rather than find a way back to it....which sucks. I feel very low on options...probably because I don't want to have to change things.....I know this will pass...I am just in a funk. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 12, 2018 17:06:01 GMT
When you say that the community was your sole source of friends, this kind of worries me tnr9 , you need friends that you can see irl. You absolutely cant do it on your own. Have you asked B to leave the community? Even if only for 6 month or so? Otherwise, can you find a new community where you can build new friendships? Curiosity is a good way to look at these things I think. Even if it horrible, you can at least take pleasure in the knowledge you've gained. Hugs! A while back B offered to leave the community and I said he should not on account of me. At the time I thought I was being generous....but now I see that I was denying my need....so there is some resentment. I don't know if I can go back...it doesn't seem safe anymore and I find myself wanting to avoid it rather than find a way back to it....which sucks. I feel very low on options...probably because I don't want to have to change things.....I know this will pass...I am just in a funk. Go to a new community then. I really think it is important for you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 17:44:59 GMT
A while back B offered to leave the community and I said he should not on account of me. At the time I thought I was being generous....but now I see that I was denying my need....so there is some resentment. I don't know if I can go back...it doesn't seem safe anymore and I find myself wanting to avoid it rather than find a way back to it....which sucks. I feel very low on options...probably because I don't want to have to change things.....I know this will pass...I am just in a funk. Go to a new community then. I really think it is important for you. I still have friends from the community that I spend time with....so it isn't as if I haven't one.  . I think I just was coming down from having a nice bday but missing B.....right now, I am good....not as clenchy as I was before....so I am coming out of my regressed state. Yay. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 12, 2018 17:51:12 GMT
Not sure how you’re realky going to heal keeping this up. You know I’m secure and I have to cut ties to heal, that’s what we do. I cannot keep myself trapped or it will prolong healing.
He is not good for even as a friend right now. Your need to stay friends with him is not helping you... by your posts while aware you keep taking two steps back instead of forward with this need to be in contact and spending time with him.
You want to get to secure stop the madness. You have it in you to do it, I know you do, it’s in all of us waiting to surface.
I know this is pretty blunt but I say this with much love. ❤️
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 12, 2018 18:50:30 GMT
Not sure how you’re realky going to heal keeping this up. You know I’m secure and I have to cut ties to heal, that’s what we do. I cannot keep myself trapped or it will prolong healing. He is not good for even as a friend right now. Your need to stay friends with him is not helping you... by your posts while aware you keep taking two steps back instead of forward with this need to be in contact and spending time with him. You want to get to secure stop the madness. You have it in you to do it, I know you do, it’s in all of us waiting to surface. I know this is pretty blunt but I say this with much love. ❤️ I hear you and I acknowledge this is not helping me to move beyond him.....but.....I am not going to lie and say that I will cut contact when I know I won't....not now at least. I can rationally speak to the chemical drug like hold of this pattern...but when I think of cutting ties...it invokes too much fear and I have started down the whole....I will break ties only to desire the perceived connection again. Just being honest. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 12, 2018 22:06:23 GMT
I hear you on this. My ex DA backed out of tentative plans for last night and ignored 2 texts today- Friday was one year since our break and he’s been distancing since we saw each other Halloween night. I was feeling in an AP slump today, feeling bad, rejected, depressed, ruminating...and then I changed my mind set. He ignored 2 texts- so what??! This man doesn’t control me or influence my mood, my destiny or my life!! Why should I allow this guy to have any power over me? I won’t!! Ignoring my texts was a gift. He gave me the gift of clarity. He doesn’t focus on me or feel inclined to respond to me and, similarly, I need to place my focus firmly on me. I need to focus on things I can control and surround myself with people who care. Focus on my dreams, plans and purpose. If we’re meant to be we will be and nothing will keep us apart. Now is not the time....and I don’t want to force someone kicking or screaming to be with me. I’m worth more than that! And he wouldn’t respect that. If we don’t ever get back together than someone more suited for me and better for me will come into my life. In the meantime, I’m ok to focus on fostering my self-love. I know your ex is just a friend but focusing on self-love will diminish all anxious and insecure thoughts regarding him. I don’t know if you pray or go to church, but a couple verses came to mind today, encouraged my heart and restored my confidence: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make Your path straight.” The big picture will work out. We’re just not privy to it. Also, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and sound mind.” So when that anxiety is rising and I’m feeling rejected or abandoned, I remember these verses and pray God fills me with His perfect love that no one can steal or destroy. I stand on His promise to be filled with power, love and a sound mind- one that is calm and without worry. I don’t need reassurance of my self-worth from an ex who left me. I hand my anxiety over to God and I say “no more!” Maybe not in our timing, but in perfect timing, things will work out as they should, and this time we’re in right now, is that beautiful time of transformation when the caterpillar turns into the butterfly. This wait time is necessary. The results will be worth it when we’re soaring. Our best lessons will be learned in this season of uncertainty. I’m positive of that. So, don’t be discouraged but be encouraged by the beautiful work being done in you and the opportunity for belief and trust that is being fostered in you. We’ve got this! Hugs 🙂🙏🏻💗 I think this is an interesting thing @faithlovehope , it sounds like you are using your idea of "gods love" as your secure base. Hey, Epic 🙂 I’m definitely using God’s love as my secure base! There is no other love I know more secure- humans even at their best are imperfect and unreliable. I was never attached to either parent and even a seemingly “good” partner could leave either by choice or natural means. So, I thought who better than my creator to fill the holes of insecurity, fear and anxiety in me? Another verse I think of often, “Perfect love drives out all fear.” That’s a promise I’m banking on. I awoke to this love one moment kind of fresh out of my break- feeling rejected, abandoned to the core and really struggling to find motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I prayed that God would help me to feel His love- make it real to me and not just intangible and meaningless words on a page. I’ve been feeling that love within ever since I prayed that desperate prayer in a very real way. Yes, that love is my secure and safe base. God is so good. I’m confident he’s got this...and us |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 12, 2018 22:12:44 GMT
Not sure how you’re realky going to heal keeping this up. You know I’m secure and I have to cut ties to heal, that’s what we do. I cannot keep myself trapped or it will prolong healing. He is not good for even as a friend right now. Your need to stay friends with him is not helping you... by your posts while aware you keep taking two steps back instead of forward with this need to be in contact and spending time with him. You want to get to secure stop the madness. You have it in you to do it, I know you do, it’s in all of us waiting to surface. I know this is pretty blunt but I say this with much love. ❤️ I hear you and I acknowledge this is not helping me to move beyond him.....but.....I am not going to lie and say that I will cut contact when I know I won't....not now at least. I can rationally speak to the chemical drug like hold of this pattern...but when I think of cutting ties...it invokes too much fear and I have started down the whole....I will break ties only to desire the perceived connection again. Just being honest. I totally understand...do you think you could have incremental goals of no contact that serve as a weaning period for you? Time for you to grow in your autonomy and also to focus on your healing without regressing? Even if he normally reaches out if you don’t- would you be comfortable saying you’re going to take the next 30 (or 60) days to focus on yourself? Let him know it’s all about you and have no hard feelings but just feel this alone time would be beneficial for you? Something like that...I know it’s hard but if you tell yourself it’s not forever- maybe 21, 30 days or some other time frame than it may seem more manageable and less downright scary and anxiety provoking. What’s the longest you’ve gone no contact with him? |
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Post by Lizzie on Nov 12, 2018 22:13:55 GMT
It is sad to see that even wise women get addicted.  You do realise that this is an addiction, right? I have been reading the forums here for a while, probably about 2 years now. I know your story, I have seen ups and downs. I have my own story, being AP in my 40s. I do not have the luxury of cutting the cord as I work with my source of addiction. So I know first hand how hard it is, yet possible. I just think you are lucky, you can break free and yet, you choose to torture yourself. Something about your last post does not sound right. It is irresponsible, even childish, I am very sorry to say. You could, if you wanted to, choose you and your health, take responsibility for your actions and emotions. But I guess you are not in the very bottom yet. The journey to freedom is different for everyone. I beg you, get angry. Start by getting angry at me, I do not mind. Anger is such a strong driving force. Maybe it drives you out of this bottomless hole. Otherwise you sit and sit in the dark having no idea what is out there. Sometimes good people are bad together. |
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. I think I just was coming down from having a nice bday but missing B.....right now, I am good....not as clenchy as I was before....so I am coming out of my regressed state. Yay.