“Anxious-avoidant trap” on this forum?

great post!
it is a trap. and it's understandable. i find it's only so useful because of the natural dynamic.

unfortunately, my style and voice does not resonate in test in this forum full of AP's and FA's.
I accept and understand that and also have no desire or willingness to try to choke out something other than what i have to say, i really don't. if that makes me evil so be it. in real life it means i don't get abused anymore and i have safe, loving, reciprocated relationships that feel awesome.

I don't have relationships in real life with AP's, and have struggled to be able to relate at all to them on his forum.
it's exhausting to try to edit myself to mind read and anticipate what is going to be ok to say to this anonymous insecure forum member asking for input, or what is not going to be ok. ultimately they seem to want a dismissive perspective so i can deliver that faithfully and then wince at the backlash. but i'm not here to say what someone else wants me to say. been doing that my entire life and it's not happening now. block me. but don't give me the power to ruin your day, that's too much power you're giving away. that's on you.

i've posted between sets at the gym, while having coffee in the morning, from a hospital bed and my own bed in recovery from emergencies, before bed, whenever.
even my posing frequency has been patholigized.

however, i have worked hard on this forum to stay engaged with the process and the net result for me is a relationship that i feel great in, with a partner who appreciates me just as i am. i have had a purpose for my participation here and i have actualized it. i'll keep growing with other tools.

the posts pegging me with sociopathic intent are all i need to just be done. i just shake my head. but i get the reason for it, just the projected motivation is way off base. it's been happening to dismissives here a long time and enough is enough, for me anyway. you can be nasty and abrasive and spiteful if you're not da. that's old. maybe it's old for others also.
the trap lives on until you step away from it, and i am glad to do so. i would have earlier but wasn't clear on where i needed to be and not be, and now i am.

anyway, i do think a lot of AP posters and others have been very empathetic and supportive to me and other dismissives also. ii appreciate all who have engaged with me in a happy and supportive way.

i offered what i had while i was here but am thankful and at perfect peace moving on. and i am also pleased to not be the source of anyone's pain any longer. i accept a mixed reaction to me but don't intend to turn myself into a pretzel to meet the needs of others, and clearly they don't feel the need to gauge what i would like to read about before they post either haha!! the double standard is ironic. it's a regular cringe session for dismissives here too. yes it's a trap, and i just need to leave it behind.

i wish all the best, take what you want and leave the rest, and hopefully everyone eventually can find the partner that can help you feel safe and cherished and valued.

I want to thank juniper and others on this forum who have been supportive in my journey. I support junipers perspective, so there's not much left to be said on that front.

Juniper, I have learned so much from you and the comradery of another DA has been invaluable to me.

I have tried to give what I can to those who have asked from my point of view and I have also seen the backlash towards DAs. It was never my intention to make anyone uncomfortable or to feel threatened and unsafe. My heart goes out to those who have voiced feeling unsafe due to my posts and threads. I thought my intentions were clear but I am not going to be accused of bullying, manipulation and making people feel unsafe. It's not for me and I don't think it was warranted. As juni said, I don't want to be the source of anyone's pain. Yes, I am DA and it hurts me deeply.

Anyway, it's a good time for me to depart as well. I am free of the AP/DA dance in my real life and I have found a relationship that makes me sing, dance and be happy. I'm on to a new beginning and need to leave the past behind.

I hope everyone continues to learn and grow and be their best selves on this forum, and in their relationships. Good luck to all!

I don't see what happened on these forums is an example of the anxious-avoidant trap....I think to peg it that way is too easy...I don't know Rockgirl's attachment style...I don't know Christie's...I saw people from all styles taking sides without it necessarily being attachment centered. That is just my opinion,

opinion,[/rquote]




agree it isn't that simple but I also think it is part of it... I think it's worth considering whether one's particular reactions are a reflection of one's place on the attachment style journey (defensiveness, protest or distancing behaviors, engagement or disengagement, holding on, letting go, leaving, staying, apologising, blaming. Etc..)

Wow I was out from the forums focusing on myself for a bit. What happened? 🙁 I'll try to read for a bit tonight.

I Saw some people left. I'm very sad about it! I wish you all the best, you've all helped me a lot when I was feeling very confused.

Long ago six old men lived in a village in India. Each was born blind. The other villagers loved the old men and kept them away from harm. Since the blind men could not see the world for themselves, they had to imagine many of its wonders. They listened carefully to the stories told by travelers to learn what they could about life outside the village.


The men were curious about many of the stories they heard, but they were most curious about elephants. They were told that elephants could trample forests, carry huge burdens, and frighten young and old with their loud trumpet calls. But they also knew that the Rajah's daughter rode an elephant when she traveled in her father's kingdom. Would the Rajah let his daughter get near such a dangerous creature?

The old men argued day and night about elephants. "An elephant must be a powerful giant," claimed the first blind man. He had heard stories about elephants being used to clear forests and build roads.

"No, you must be wrong," argued the second blind man. "An elephant must be graceful and gentle if a princess is to ride on its back."

"You're wrong! I have heard that an elephant can pierce a man's heart with its terrible horn," said the third blind man.

"Please," said the fourth blind man. "You are all mistaken. An elephant is nothing more than a large sort of cow. You know how people exaggerate."

"I am sure that an elephant is something magical," said the fifth blind man. "That would explain why the Rajah's daughter can travel safely throughout the kingdom."

"I don't believe elephants exist at all," declared the sixth blind man. "I think we are the victims of a cruel joke."

Finally, the villagers grew tired of all the arguments, and they arranged for the curious men to visit the palace of the Rajah to learn the truth about elephants. A young boy from their village was selected to guide the blind men on their journey. The smallest man put his hand on the boy's shoulder. The second blind man put his hand on his friend's shoulder, and so on until all six men were ready to walk safely behind the boy who would lead them to the Rajah's magnificent palace.

When the blind men reached the palace, they were greeted by an old friend from their village who worked as a gardener on the palace grounds. Their friend led them to the courtyard. There stood an elephant. The blind men stepped forward to touch the creature that was the subject of so many arguments.

The first blind man reached out and touched the side of the huge animal. "An elephant is smooth and solid like a wall!" he declared. "It must be very powerful."

The second blind man put his hand on the elephant's limber trunk. "An elephant is like a giant snake," he announced.

The third blind man felt the elephant's pointed tusk. "I was right," he decided. "This creature is as sharp and deadly as a spear."

The fourth blind man touched one of the elephant's four legs. "What we have here," he said, "is an extremely large cow."

The fifth blind man felt the elephant's giant ear. "I believe an elephant is like a huge fan or maybe a magic carpet that can fly over mountains and treetops," he said.

The sixth blind man gave a tug on the elephant's coarse tail. "Why, this is nothing more than a piece of old rope. Dangerous, indeed," he scoffed.

The gardener led his friends to the shade of a tree. "Sit here and rest for the long journey home," he said. "I will bring you some water to drink."

While they waited, the six blind men talked about the elephant.

"An elephant is like a wall," said the first blind man. "Surely we can finally agree on that."

"A wall? An elephant is a giant snake!" answered the second blind man.

"It's a spear, I tell you," insisted the third blind man.

"I'm certain it's a giant cow," said the fourth blind man.

"Magic carpet. There's no doubt," said the fifth blind man.

"Don't you see?" pleaded the sixth blind man. "Someone used a rope to trick us."

Their argument continued and their shouts grew louder and louder.

"Wall!" "Snake!" "Spear!" "Cow!" "Carpet!" "Rope!"

"Stop shouting!" called a very angry voice.

It was the Rajah, awakened from his nap by the noisy argument.

"How can each of you be so certain you are right?" asked the ruler.

The six blind men considered the question. And then, knowing the Rajah to be a very wise man, they decided to say nothing at all.

"The elephant is a very large animal," said the Rajah kindly. "Each man touched only one part. Perhaps if you put the parts together, you will see the truth. Now, let me finish my nap in peace."

When their friend returned to the garden with the cool water, the six men rested quietly in the shade, thinking about the Rajah's advice.

"He is right," said the first blind man. "To learn the truth, we must put all the parts together. Let's discuss this on the journey home."

The first blind man put his hand on the shoulder of the young boy who would guide them home. The second blind man put a hand on his friend's shoulder, and so on until all six men were ready to travel together.