mel
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Posts: 17
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Post by mel on Nov 19, 2018 20:21:03 GMT
Hello, this is my first post. I was wondering if having someone completely stop speaking to you is a common thing that Avoidants do to Anxious?
I did not have a 'real' relationship, I just had a year-long email correspondence and seeing him once or twice a week at church, our church limits intimacy to within marriage so it was very casual, but he really seemed to like me. Then he stopped emailing back, then after that this Sunday, I realized that he has completely cut me off from even replying to comments in our church meetings.
We have exchanged hundreds of pages of personal life details, over more than a year of emails. I've read Attached and Jeb Kinnison's books...but I wasn't prepared to be unworthy of being spoken to at all.
Has this happened to others out there? Thank you for any shared experiences or insights.
We are both aged around 50, he is a combat vet on disability, and he has never been married.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 19, 2018 21:10:33 GMT
Hello, this is my first post. I was wondering if having someone completely stop speaking to you is a common thing that Avoidants do to Anxious?
I did not have a 'real' relationship, I just had a year-long email correspondence and seeing him once or twice a week at church, our church limits intimacy to within marriage so it was very casual, but he really seemed to like me. Then he stopped emailing back, then after that this Sunday, I realized that he has completely cut me off from even replying to comments in our church meetings.
We have exchanged hundreds of pages of personal life details, over more than a year of emails. I've read Attached and Jeb Kinnison's books...but I wasn't prepared to be unworthy of being spoken to at all.
Has this happened to others out there? Thank you for any shared experiences or insights.
We are both aged around 50, he is a combat vet on disability, and he has never been married.
This sounds more along the lines of immaturity then it does to attachment. Was there anything that specifically happened between the two of you that preceded his cutting you off? |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 19, 2018 21:16:14 GMT
Hmmm, I dunno, I think "ghosting" os something discussed on the forum in proximity to avoidance, but I may have misunderstood it. I remember andy talking about it vaguely. Maybe he can provide more. I'm not sure where the line is between immaturity and avoidance, but any degree of avoidance can make one want to avoid conflict, as it is a bit overwhelming, at least from my perspective. Hope that helps! |
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mel
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Posts: 17
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Post by mel on Nov 19, 2018 21:52:24 GMT
Thanks epicgum and tnr9, I hadn't thought of immaturity. Yeah, what preceded this was lots of misunderstandings, He had lectured me on email not to squeeze his arm in public, then another day he put his arm around me at a church meeting, and I said...how come? And he exploded in rage, left the room, and now stopped talking to me at all. Writing stuff out really helps you see the hopeless and bad situation you're putting up with, doesn't it.....with relationships like this, you don't need enemies, right? It is amazing how easily you can get sucked into trading confidences on email for months and yet not know the real-life person at all...  |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 19, 2018 22:24:31 GMT
Thanks epicgum and tnr9, I hadn't thought of immaturity. Yeah, what preceded this was lots of misunderstandings, He had lectured me on email not to squeeze his arm in public, then another day he put his arm around me at a church meeting, and I said...how come? And he exploded in rage, left the room, and now stopped talking to me at all. Writing stuff out really helps you see the hopeless and bad situation you're putting up with, doesn't it.....with relationships like this, you don't need enemies, right? It is amazing how easily you can get sucked into trading confidences on email for months and yet not know the real-life person at all... I’d advise not to allow yourself to become vulnerable, open your heart and trade your confidences with someone who isn’t willing to be in a relationship with you. Scripture warns us to guard our heart above all else. Moving forward I’d create space and distance and not become emotionally too close to someone that isn’t willing to be there for you the way you desire. Make sure you want the same things...even then things may go awry in the future, but at least you’re doing what you can to protect your heart. I can vouch- a man in the church doesn’t bring an assumption of safety and security along with him. So...let him block you. He’s speaking volumes to you of his character. You spoke of “lectures and explosions??” Think more deeply. Why would you entertain a close friendship with this man or any person who trampled upon you in this way? Listen to him and now cut him off before you get in too deep and find it extremely painful to let go in a pattern that will likely continue and grow more severe in time. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 19, 2018 22:30:30 GMT
Thanks epicgum and tnr9, I hadn't thought of immaturity. Yeah, what preceded this was lots of misunderstandings, He had lectured me on email not to squeeze his arm in public, then another day he put his arm around me at a church meeting, and I said...how come? And he exploded in rage, left the room, and now stopped talking to me at all. Writing stuff out really helps you see the hopeless and bad situation you're putting up with, doesn't it.....with relationships like this, you don't need enemies, right? It is amazing how easily you can get sucked into trading confidences on email for months and yet not know the real-life person at all... In terms of the arm holding, that makes sense. For me, I think avoidance manifests itself as a strong need for independence and to do things "on your own terms". He felt uncomfortable/smothered with the amount of intimacy so lectured you to not touch him. Then...when you gave him space he felt he could touch you under his own terms, that "he" was making the choice to do so and he was not being "forced"....it was comfortable for him to take that next step. Of course....disclaimer....I could be wrong. Lol |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2018 22:32:35 GMT
Thanks epicgum and tnr9, I hadn't thought of immaturity. Yeah, what preceded this was lots of misunderstandings, He had lectured me on email not to squeeze his arm in public, then another day he put his arm around me at a church meeting, and I said...how come? And he exploded in rage, left the room, and now stopped talking to me at all. Writing stuff out really helps you see the hopeless and bad situation you're putting up with, doesn't it.....with relationships like this, you don't need enemies, right? It is amazing how easily you can get sucked into trading confidences on email for months and yet not know the real-life person at all... I’d advise not to allow yourself to become vulnerable, open your heart and trade your confidences with someone who isn’t willing to be in a relationship with you. Scripture warns us to guard our heart above all else. Moving forward I’d create space and distance and not become emotionally too close to someone that isn’t willing to be there for you the way you desire. Make sure you want the same things...even then things may go awry in the future, but at least you’re doing what you can to protect your heart. I can vouch- a man in the church doesn’t bring an assumption of safety and security along with him. So...let him block you. He’s speaking volumes to you of his character. You spoke of “lectures and explosions??” Think more deeply. Why would you entertain a close friendship with this man or any person who trampled upon you in this way? Listen to him and now cut him off before you get in too deep and find it extremely painful to let go in a pattern that will likely continue and grow more severe in time. Great response faithopelove - the sunk cost fallacy is the AP curse. The signs are signs that you should end prematurely, not signs that you need to try harder to prove something. I have fallen into that trap many, many times. Leaving can feel clunky and unfinished, and it can haunt you because it's not what we are used to, it doesn't feel intuitive because it isn't our pattern, but it's the new secure pattern we can move into  |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 19, 2018 22:45:52 GMT
I’d advise not to allow yourself to become vulnerable, open your heart and trade your confidences with someone who isn’t willing to be in a relationship with you. Scripture warns us to guard our heart above all else. Moving forward I’d create space and distance and not become emotionally too close to someone that isn’t willing to be there for you the way you desire. Make sure you want the same things...even then things may go awry in the future, but at least you’re doing what you can to protect your heart. I can vouch- a man in the church doesn’t bring an assumption of safety and security along with him. So...let him block you. He’s speaking volumes to you of his character. You spoke of “lectures and explosions??” Think more deeply. Why would you entertain a close friendship with this man or any person who trampled upon you in this way? Listen to him and now cut him off before you get in too deep and find it extremely painful to let go in a pattern that will likely continue and grow more severe in time. Great response faithopelove - the sunk cost fallacy is the AP curse. The signs are signs that you should end prematurely, not signs that you need to try harder to prove something. I have fallen into that trap many, many times. Leaving can feel clunky and unfinished, and it can haunt you because it's not what we are used to, it doesn't feel intuitive because it isn't our pattern, but it's the new secure pattern we can move into I’m learning- talking from experience. I know we each have to learn our own way but best time to get out is before you fall...not after! 💗 |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 19, 2018 23:18:48 GMT
Any chance he's an addict (ex alcohol?) The rage thing made me wonder...
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Post by alexandra on Nov 19, 2018 23:29:56 GMT
mel, I agree with epicgum. Then when he showed affection and you questioned him, he may have felt his bid for attention was rejected and got defensive. This doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I've had avoidants just stop talking to me, but usually it followed conflict so it wasn't a total surprise but you also can't solve anything without communication. That's a two-way street, though, and both have to be willing to try. When both partners have an insecure style, honest and open communication basically doesn't happen because people have trouble communicating their needs and/or hearing the needs of the other person. Try to learn from the experience. It will start to feel better after the shock wears off!
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mel
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Posts: 17
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Post by mel on Nov 19, 2018 23:31:18 GMT
Thank you so much everyone for your responses. Faithopelove, you words are true, thank you for your perspective. You are right!!! Epicgum, I think you're right about feeling smothered, he was angry once I sat at the end of the same pew as him, saying he "didn't have a choice" about me sitting there. Bloom, thank you---you are right, I kept trying harder instead of realizing, time to walk away. Leavethelighton, our religion (he is very devout) does not allow alcohol and he doesn't do that or drugs, but he has been in war combat and that may contribute to his explosions and temper, at least that was the excuse I made for him. Thank you all so much for your perspectives. Love you all!!! |
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mel
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Post by mel on Nov 19, 2018 23:38:59 GMT
Alexandra, thank you so much for this insight:
"you can't solve anything without communication. That's a two-way street, though, and both have to be willing to try."
So, so true. It takes two.
I've always felt that he just didn't want to be vulnerable by showing affection, but I'm coming to the realization it also could be that he is just a jerk!
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 20, 2018 1:02:11 GMT
Alexandra, thank you so much for this insight: "you can't solve anything without communication. That's a two-way street, though, and both have to be willing to try." So, so true. It takes two. I've always felt that he just didn't want to be vulnerable by showing affection, but I'm coming to the realization it also could be that he is just a jerk! Hey, Mel Problem lies in whether he feels too vulnerable to share in a close relationship with another the way you want or is a “jerk” who changed his mind, the end result is the same in that he’s pulling away and doesn’t want or can’t share comfortably in intimacy. Trying to understand motives is natural to most people when we care about someone, but if he remains a mystery, try to remember the “why” he’s shutting down matters much less than the fact your friend refuses to open his heart and trust. He may just always be better as a distant friend with no real attachment. I know it’s hard to process when our minds and hearts don’t operate the same, but a gentle reminder of what you know- both people must be willing in a relationship or one is left standing (or chasing) while the other walks (or runs) away. I hope you can focus on you and explore new things for yourself during this confusing time 🌺 |
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mel
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Posts: 17
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Post by mel on Nov 20, 2018 3:49:37 GMT
Faithopelove,
You are completely right and it is so helpful that you reminded me of this. While it is intriguing and in some respects 'fun' to keep trying to figure people out, when they continue being hurtful the 'why' doesn't matter, as you say.
What kept me in was the 'mixed messages' for instance after 'not speaking' to me, then he waited for me in the hall outside chapel. No, then yes, then no. Whiplash from his mean-then-nice behavior.
Thank you so much for your reminders of what is important. You are so right, I opened my heart to this guy and he was not deserving of that trust.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 21, 2018 0:36:06 GMT
[/quote]Great response faithopelove - the sunk cost fallacy is the AP curse. The signs are signs that you should end prematurely, not signs that you need to try harder to prove something. I have fallen into that trap many, many times. Leaving can feel clunky and unfinished, and it can haunt you because it's not what we are used to, it doesn't feel intuitive because it isn't our pattern, but it's the new secure pattern we can move into [/quote] This!!! Brilliantly put. |
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