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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 6:55:48 GMT
I had a few interesting interactions with an avoidant friend in the past few days and I was wondering how other people would react or say in these situations. If you could, please read the scenario and type just your hypothetical response - this is NOT an analysis of the situation nor asking for advice on the situation. My intent is for us to crowdsource resources so that we can learn from each other how to say loving things!
Scenario
** Tim and Ally are colleagues, and are at a departmental retreat with other colleagues. Initially, they were hanging out together alot but that had stopped. At the retreat, they reconnected but it was awkward. At this point of the story, they are walking together (just them) towards the lifts, having a chat.
Tim: I'm exhausted, probably from being around too many people for too long.
Ally: Oh, am I exhausting you?
Tim: Constantly.
If you were Ally, what would you say?
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Post by lilyg on Nov 21, 2018 8:38:29 GMT
I had a few interesting interactions with an avoidant friend in the past few days and I was wondering how other people would react or say in these situations. If you could, please read the scenario and type just your hypothetical response - this is NOT an analysis of the situation nor asking for advice on the situation. My intent is for us to crowdsource resources so that we can learn from each other how to say loving things! Scenario
** Tim and Ally are colleagues, and are at a departmental retreat with other colleagues. Initially, they were hanging out together alot but that had stopped. At the retreat, they reconnected but it was awkward. At this point of the story, they are walking together (just them) towards the lifts, having a chat. Tim: I'm exhausted, probably from being around too many people for too long. Ally: Oh, am I exhausting you? Tim: Constantly. If you were Ally, what would you say? "It sometimes happens to me too ☺️ you should take care of yourself and disconnect" But of course I'm often Tim at work 😂 |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 21, 2018 10:16:42 GMT
I had a few interesting interactions with an avoidant friend in the past few days and I was wondering how other people would react or say in these situations. If you could, please read the scenario and type just your hypothetical response - this is NOT an analysis of the situation nor asking for advice on the situation. My intent is for us to crowdsource resources so that we can learn from each other how to say loving things! Scenario
** Tim and Ally are colleagues, and are at a departmental retreat with other colleagues. Initially, they were hanging out together alot but that had stopped. At the retreat, they reconnected but it was awkward. At this point of the story, they are walking together (just them) towards the lifts, having a chat. Tim: I'm exhausted, probably from being around too many people for too long. Ally: Oh, am I exhausting you? Tim: Constantly. If you were Ally, what would you say? I see the issue...hard to depersonalize that statement. I would ask some clarifying general questions such as...what is it about being around people too much that exhausts you? How much time is ideal to ensure that you are not exhausted? What activities do you enjoy that recharge you? My mom is like Tim...she has this social battery and gets drained by people...it's nothing personal....she is an introvert and needs time to decompress and be on her own. Everyone drains her if they go beyond a certain point...could be amount of time, could be level of intensity (I am an extrovert and her battery drains quicker with me)....the point is...it is important to gain some facts in order to avoid getting too caught up in thinking it may be you. He is likely drained by everyone. |
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Post by stayhappy on Nov 21, 2018 11:17:24 GMT
”I hope you can get some rest.”
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 18:53:41 GMT
In the spur of the moment, I imagine I would laugh, and say "I know, I'm sick of you too"
I'm FA and very avoidant with friends/colleagues so it would feel very true for me to say that on one hand and I would say it in a disarming way that makes the other person know that I know what it's like to feel that way. I would probably follow it up by affirming that I get tired from being around people too much too.
I don't know if it would help, but it felt intuitive to me if I had a good relationship with the other person
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Post by alexandra on Nov 21, 2018 19:32:46 GMT
That's not really personal because he says everyone exhausts him. Interpreting that as him lashing out would depend on the tone of voice used.
Knowing me, I'd probably in earnest try to help problem-solve because I do that automatically and need to be told if someone just wants to vent. I'll pick up on it quickly if they don't want to problem solve but by then they're already annoyed!
But I agree with the above answer to shrug it off with an understanding joke, maybe followed by a genuine offer to be there if they ever want to discuss.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 21, 2018 19:53:58 GMT
I think I’d respond out of curiosity....what is so exhausting? Maybe you can learn insight that way instead of making assumptions like I would if I didn’t ask.
My ex complains everyone exhausts him, too. This reminds me of what he said a week before we broke up- we were sitting at a bonfire in his backyard and he asked if I ever stopped talking. (Ouch) Then he proceeded to tell me he only hears about 10% of what I say. It was extremely hurtful and he was irritable the entire night- I should’ve left that night but I stayed and walked on eggshells instead. He broke up with me a week later...in hindsight I realize he already was mentally done and prepared to let me go. I thought it may also be part of the fact he’s avoidant, introverted and very short on words.
In the beginning of our relationship he said he appreciated that I was talkative because it made up for his silence, but in the end I guess it was overwhelming for him. As an AP I probably I felt the need to fill the silence more than others would. Silence makes me nervous with a lot of people.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 20:03:26 GMT
we were sitting at a bonfire in his backyard and he asked if I ever stopped talking. Ow, even my feelings hurt It feels the longer my relationship with any DA, the more aware I'm made to become of how annoying I am even when I do nothing haha I understand it though, I deactivate too, and it's really difficult to be around someone when you're noticing all the things you dislike about them because you just feel irritated and want to be somewhere else, and the problem isn't in the other person, it's an irritation trapped within you that they are provoking by being with you. If it helps, I often feel bad about things I've said when I'm in that place... I used to say to my ex "You're not funny when you're tired. Stop trying to be funny." When I'm deactivating, I find him the most annoying person in the universe and his jokes are just not funny to me, they just get on my nerves... when I'm not deactivated, we laugh a lot together. It's very odd... it's like there are two planes of reality that hold different truths about my relationship with the other person and I go between the two planes. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 21, 2018 20:19:17 GMT
we were sitting at a bonfire in his backyard and he asked if I ever stopped talking. Ow, even my feelings hurt It feels the longer my relationship with any DA, the more aware I'm made to become of how annoying I am even when I do nothing haha I understand it though, I deactivate too, and it's really difficult to be around someone when you're noticing all the things you dislike about them because you just feel irritated and want to be somewhere else, and the problem isn't in the other person, it's an irritation trapped within you that they are provoking by being with you. If it helps, I often feel bad about things I've said when I'm in that place... I used to say to my ex "You're not funny when you're tired. Stop trying to be funny." When I'm deactivating, I find him the most annoying person in the universe and his jokes are just not funny to me, they just get on my nerves... when I'm not deactivated, we laugh a lot together. It's very odd... it's like there are two planes of reality that hold different truths about my relationship with the other person and I go between the two planes. Hey, bloom....thanks for relating. Once I typed it out and thought about it, I realized how much his comments near the end of our relationship still hurt me at a deep level. I guess he was deactivating but I knew nothing about AP/DA back then so I was going purely on instinct....which didn’t work out too well. That whole night he was incredibly irritable and pushed me away- when I went upstairs to get a slice of pizza at one point he was already in the kitchen and he waved me off and said “go downstairs”...no reason, he just wanted me away. I don’t think there was anything I could’ve said or done at that point to help, and a year later there still isn’t, sadly. When I look back on that night, I can’t believe I just didn’t say it looks like you need some time alone I’ll go. He was so unreachable at that point, I still think he would’ve broken up with me a week later but I should’ve left for myself. He seems to not be able to tolerate people around him. He’s been alone for seven years since his divorce- he breaks up with everybody at a certain point. The original comment above def reminds me of him. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 23:30:59 GMT
Oh, this is great!
I was Ally (Ahem, as everyone probably guessed). I didn't reply. There was nothing really to say. It's a statement that is both truth and untruth. I also feel the same way with him - that he's also draining me constantly, but I'm willing to manage it for now because being with him gives me other resources. So I accepted it as is.
Thanks for the ideas! I think if I was in a moment of relating, I am very much in the moment of sensing the "space" we are in and for me it's about enjoying that space. I've noticed that when we do that and we don't have things to distract us e.g., like talking about work or having a long walk, sometimes he'll have to disconnect in some ways that's not always pleasant for me.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2018 23:37:15 GMT
I think I’d respond out of curiosity....what is so exhausting? Maybe you can learn insight that way instead of making assumptions like I would if I didn’t ask. My ex complains everyone exhausts him, too. This reminds me of what he said a week before we broke up- we were sitting at a bonfire in his backyard and he asked if I ever stopped talking. (Ouch) Then he proceeded to tell me he only hears about 10% of what I say. It was extremely hurtful and he was irritable the entire night- I should’ve left that night but I stayed and walked on eggshells instead. He broke up with me a week later...in hindsight I realize he already was mentally done and prepared to let me go. I thought it may also be part of the fact he’s avoidant, introverted and very short on words. In the beginning of our relationship he said he appreciated that I was talkative because it made up for his silence, but in the end I guess it was overwhelming for him. As an AP I probably I felt the need to fill the silence more than others would. Silence makes me nervous with a lot of people. ouch!!! yea, i stopped asking him these questions unless it's a new topic of him that I don't know anything about. i know why it's exhausting, and I know he IS exhausted. anyways, to me it's just.. no more getting into people's lanes. I just move back into an empty lane of my own when i know that i'm gg to get rammed. if you're comfortable being by yourself, you'll be comfortable with silence - have you noticed that avoidants are extremely good at silence? that's because they're very comfortable at being by themselves. practice that when you're out with people! when you're comfortable with silence, other people will be comfortable with you. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 21, 2018 23:57:48 GMT
I think I’d respond out of curiosity....what is so exhausting? Maybe you can learn insight that way instead of making assumptions like I would if I didn’t ask. My ex complains everyone exhausts him, too. This reminds me of what he said a week before we broke up- we were sitting at a bonfire in his backyard and he asked if I ever stopped talking. (Ouch) Then he proceeded to tell me he only hears about 10% of what I say. It was extremely hurtful and he was irritable the entire night- I should’ve left that night but I stayed and walked on eggshells instead. He broke up with me a week later...in hindsight I realize he already was mentally done and prepared to let me go. I thought it may also be part of the fact he’s avoidant, introverted and very short on words. In the beginning of our relationship he said he appreciated that I was talkative because it made up for his silence, but in the end I guess it was overwhelming for him. As an AP I probably I felt the need to fill the silence more than others would. Silence makes me nervous with a lot of people. ouch!!! yea, i stopped asking him these questions unless it's a new topic of him that I don't know anything about. i know why it's exhausting, and I know he IS exhausted. anyways, to me it's just.. no more getting into people's lanes. I just move back into an empty lane of my own when i know that i'm gg to get rammed. if you're comfortable being by yourself, you'll be comfortable with silence - have you noticed that avoidants are extremely good at silence? that's because they're very comfortable at being by themselves. practice that when you're out with people! when you're comfortable with silence, other people will be comfortable with you. He’s the best at being alone- he said he’s going to die alone so he’s completely comfortable in silence. I eventually get comfortable in silence with people but I hadn’t reached that place with him. In reflection I found that time, space and silence with an intimate partner trigger my insecurities. I wasn’t self-aware at the time but now I am so I’m working on it. Yes, I’ll def continue to practice it around others. I’m trying to apply the things I’m learning and trying to change about myself in my workplace and with my friends. And I decided to stop reaching out to my ex. He stonewalls often and is emotionally dead since the break- hard for anyone to be around even in a casual relationship, like he was willing to participate in with me....when he was in the mood.. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2018 0:04:04 GMT
ouch!!! yea, i stopped asking him these questions unless it's a new topic of him that I don't know anything about. i know why it's exhausting, and I know he IS exhausted. anyways, to me it's just.. no more getting into people's lanes. I just move back into an empty lane of my own when i know that i'm gg to get rammed. if you're comfortable being by yourself, you'll be comfortable with silence - have you noticed that avoidants are extremely good at silence? that's because they're very comfortable at being by themselves. practice that when you're out with people! when you're comfortable with silence, other people will be comfortable with you. He’s the best at being alone- he said he’s going to die alone so he’s completely comfortable in silence. I eventually get comfortable in silence with people but I hadn’t reached that place with him. In reflection I found that time, space and silence with an intimate partner trigger my insecurities. I wasn’t self-aware at the time but now I am so I’m working on it. Yes, I’ll def continue to practice it around others. I’m trying to apply the things I’m learning and trying to change about myself in my workplace and with my friends. And I decided to stop reaching out to my ex. He stonewalls often and is emotionally dead since the break- hard for anyone to be around even in a casual relationship, like he was willing to participate in with me....when he was in the mood.. I think it's important that you don't see yourself as needing to CHANGE, more so, develop and expand into a new way of being. You're fine the way you are, but the relationship clearly showed you that there are things you need to work on, not to fix, but to bring you closer to a greater version of you. if he wants to be alone, then be alone. that's it. no need to try to change anyone's minds. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 22, 2018 0:11:46 GMT
He’s the best at being alone- he said he’s going to die alone so he’s completely comfortable in silence. I eventually get comfortable in silence with people but I hadn’t reached that place with him. In reflection I found that time, space and silence with an intimate partner trigger my insecurities. I wasn’t self-aware at the time but now I am so I’m working on it. Yes, I’ll def continue to practice it around others. I’m trying to apply the things I’m learning and trying to change about myself in my workplace and with my friends. And I decided to stop reaching out to my ex. He stonewalls often and is emotionally dead since the break- hard for anyone to be around even in a casual relationship, like he was willing to participate in with me....when he was in the mood.. I think it's important that you don't see yourself as needing to CHANGE, more so, develop and expand into a new way of being. You're fine the way you are, but the relationship clearly showed you that there are things you need to work on, not to fix, but to bring you closer to a greater version of you. if he wants to be alone, then be alone. that's it. no need to try to change anyone's minds. Yes...he made his choice to be alone and die alone so alone he can be- no more visits from me...and thanks for the encouragement. It’s been a very trying past year of breaking that draw to him. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 22, 2018 1:15:34 GMT
I haven't read the other responses yet. Years ago, I might not have said anything.
Now I'd hopefully say "Tell me more about that."
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