Red flags or triggers from old wounds

Sounds like rude behaviour. Whether is is a red flag is ultimately up to you. If this is essential to you, it is your standard. Your standards can be as high as you like as long as you have no expectations.

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This is a familiar kind of taking for granted dynamic - or at least this is how it feels - familiar from our relationship last time round. I didn't invite him or anyone else in order to be rewarded by praise or thanks - but surely this is common politeness especially towards the person you claim to love more than anyone in the world?! He's busy with work - but one text? Maybe we just have different values on this, whatever I could feel it making my hackles go up ever so slightly.

As outsiders looking in on this am I being over sensitive?

There are plenty of these small things springing up all over the place which are causing me to keep the handbrake very much on in terms of our friendship/ relationship. I think there's a real difference between being in love and being able to be in a relationship and this kind of thing, which constantly drips away at trust and makes me do my dismissive thing, is just not helpful.

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You are feeling what you are feeling, and the feelings need to be felt and expressed, but there are more expressions than hitting the break.

If his manners are on and off, you could try to lean into what you are feeling when he has good manners and reflect that back "I felt supported when you offered to do the washing up". "I enjoyed receiving your thank you note :-)" "I love it when a man has good manners".

Some people respond more strongly to positive emotions. Yet ultimately, if you value manners much more than he does, he may lack sufficient motivation to reach consistency in manners at the level you require. If this is the case, do you accept him as is or let him go?

Thanks all of you for your replies - sorry not been back, work has been somewhat demanding!

So - we are all late 30s or mid 40s and I don't agree re the generational thing - the vast majority of my friends would say something - just a few words even, of gratitude after the event. It's polite and it's also underlain by a sense of gratitude which is important to me - I savour life because I feel grateful for others engagement and generosity. I cultivate thankfulness intentionally because - well it seems to help with a sense of interconnectedness which as an avoidant I tend not to have naturally. In a relationship gratitude and the sharing of it is important to me - full stop. Not that he's right or wrong in not expressing it, but for me I recognise it's important and Goldilocks - you're right I need to feel what I feel here.

Very often I feel invisible to him - this is an ongoing theme and one of the reasons I have hesitated so much before jumping back into the relationship. Loving presence to me means a degree of mutual support and compassionate engagement - not the odd dinner with a great deal of wine drinking and a last minute walk now and then, which it seems is what he's offering. Again no right and wrong here but having made excuses for his behaviour for so long in our past I won't do it now, it just doesn't suit me - the distance and lack of communication and in the end will likely lead to the same emotional harm as it has in the past.

We went out last week - and when I arrived he was on the phone and I sat in silence for ten minutes while he finished the call - no apology no recognition that there was another human presence. I feel very strongly that this has always been all about him - if it makes him feel good then great - if not then NADA. I have asked ad infinitim for contact just briefly in between seeing each other - three days down the line, yet again nothing and whilst I don't have an expectation here - I can't fail to notice that what I have asked for, what's important to me, is just not a priority to him.

His daughter has had some serious mental health issues - such that if it were my child I would be beside myself with concern - his words were something along the line of - oh no, I could see it coming and it's a pain because this is how it's going to be from now on. As though it were some kind of inconvenience. When his father was dying, the biggest concern was that the long drive to visit him was a drag.

With apologies for kind of airing this dirty laundry here and of course there is much good in him - but I spent so so long ignoring all these things in the past, things I noticed and accepted because I think acceptance is important in relationships. I think it is good for me to recognise that these qualities are not what I want in a partner.

I also feel semi proud to have trusted my gut early on here and not jumped back in - as another poster said recently, I would only consider going back to his relationship if my ex partner was in therapy and truly working on the underlying issues - this man said he couldn't see why he needed it - and as far as I can see, nothing has changed here and my instinct was right.

The good news is that life very much goes on here - I haven't pretzelled myself for him this time round and have just organised a wonderful New Year for myself with a three day yoga retreat - delicious healthy food, new friendships and an open hearted and optimistic start to the New Year.

Thanks again Goldilocks, Leavethelighton and Alexandra for you support - on a practical note - how do I tag people on here?

Correct me, if I´m wrong - but does he has asperger?

That's just right! 

We can compromise, but if we compromise our integrity we can lose our center.

If we cannot stay in integrity while being close to another being his authentic self, then a less close relationship is the kindest answer.

It can be great to have loose connections with very different people, but in a close relationship it can lead to irreconciliable differences.