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Post by ocarina on Nov 28, 2018 11:51:56 GMT
My boat goldilocks would be a sleek white wooden yacht - nothing fancy but strong and stable with a minimal simple design to pass through the water however rough with ease and calm. Relationship wise in the past I have definitely been thrown from this - and I do believe that relationship with integrity and without letting go of my values - of connectedness, honesty and loving presence, is possible. I like what this thread has done, which is silence my slightly moany blaming mind and put emphasis back onto my way of being. tnr9 my partner struggles with focus and attention - quite possibly also ADD. I used to think that understanding all this stuff was enough - but I can feel now that to really relate with grace and maturity requires both sides to be able and willing to own the dynamic rather than one to accept and the other carry on regardless. I have real compassion for him - but I can't compromise on everything at my own expense. I am sure that technology, alcohol, overwork - all things my partner uses as a way not to be there, are pretty much ubiquitous as tools of distraction and pretty damaging in many relationships. Some things in a relationship require acceptance and flexibility but others require changing a whole mode of being and I cannot do that again. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 28, 2018 11:57:40 GMT
My boat goldilocks would be a sleek white wooden yacht - nothing fancy but strong and stable with a minimal simple design to pass through the water however rough with ease and calm. Relationship wise in the past I have definitely been thrown from this - and I do believe that relationship with integrity and without letting go of my values - of connectedness, honesty and loving presence, is possible. I like what this thread has done, which is silence my slightly moany blaming mind and put emphasis back onto my way of being. tnr9 my partner struggles with focus and attention - quite possibly also ADD. I used to think that understanding all this stuff was enough - but I can feel now that to really relate with grace and maturity requires both sides to be able and willing to own the dynamic rather than one to accept and the other carry on regardless. I have real compassion for him - but I can't compromise on everything at my own expense. I am sure that technology, alcohol, overwork - all things my partner uses as a way not to be there, are pretty much ubiquitous as tools of distraction and pretty damaging in many relationships. Some things in a relationship require acceptance and flexibility but others require changing a whole mode of being and I cannot do that again. Oh wow....B also used alcohol and work as tools of distraction. Even when we had a really good time...that nagging feeling that he was not all in was always there. |
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Post by anne12 on Nov 28, 2018 12:17:41 GMT
Your men with add, asperger ect. will proberly act more or less the same in any relationship. So it is not so much about you.
I have a male friend with some adhd/maybe also asperger (not diagnosed).
He says, he has special needs. He can "zone out" and not being able to do anything about it (at dinner partys ect). Sometimes he falls asleep while talking on the phone ect.
He has sometimes, when he was younger, left his wife and two kids without telling them, where he went. He just "forgot" to tell.
He is more aware now, but he will always have problem with this.
So it is not about you!
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Post by ocarina on Nov 28, 2018 12:27:47 GMT
Your men with add, asperger ect. will proberly act more or less the same in any relationship. So it is not so much about you. I have a male friend with some adhd/maybe also asperger (not diagnosed). He says, he has special needs. He can "zone out" and not being able to do anything about it (at dinner partys ect). Sometimes he falls asleep while talking on the phone ect. He has sometimes, when he was younger, left his wife and two kids without telling them, where he went. He just "forgot" to tell. He is more aware now, but he will always have problem with this. So it is not about you! Thank you Anne - yes I know and have learned at least rationally learned not to take it personally. That being said - what is relationship? To be it is a kind of loving presence and without behaviours or words that describe the caring (love) or much in the way of presence, I feel left with a kind of void - worse than a void, a feeling of having given up on myself and my own values. So whilst it's not about me - and while he has had a huge string of relationship failures, the part that is about me is my willingness to compromise my integrity for the sake of someone who's not really there.
I have done that for a long time and it was really destructive for me so this is where my edge lies.
He has on multiple occasions left venues and forgot to say goodbye to me, forgot to tell me he's going on holiday, never introduced me to family. I have tried and tried not to take this personally but then feel left with nothing. I have read and read about ASD - and with two children on the spectrum we're a pretty Kookie and understanding household, but my gut tells me that this relationship requires more than mutual acceptance.
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Post by ocarina on Nov 28, 2018 12:29:48 GMT
My boat goldilocks would be a sleek white wooden yacht - nothing fancy but strong and stable with a minimal simple design to pass through the water however rough with ease and calm. Relationship wise in the past I have definitely been thrown from this - and I do believe that relationship with integrity and without letting go of my values - of connectedness, honesty and loving presence, is possible. I like what this thread has done, which is silence my slightly moany blaming mind and put emphasis back onto my way of being. tnr9 my partner struggles with focus and attention - quite possibly also ADD. I used to think that understanding all this stuff was enough - but I can feel now that to really relate with grace and maturity requires both sides to be able and willing to own the dynamic rather than one to accept and the other carry on regardless. I have real compassion for him - but I can't compromise on everything at my own expense. I am sure that technology, alcohol, overwork - all things my partner uses as a way not to be there, are pretty much ubiquitous as tools of distraction and pretty damaging in many relationships. Some things in a relationship require acceptance and flexibility but others require changing a whole mode of being and I cannot do that again. Oh wow....B also used alcohol and work as tools of distraction. Even when we had a really good time...that nagging feeling that he was not all in was always there. Being with someone who isn't really present is tough - I ended up feeling I was jumping up and down waving saying "I am here!!!!" or trying to be more present to make up for his lack of..... |
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 28, 2018 13:07:54 GMT
If someone may check out at any time; physically, mentally and emotionally, the relationship cannot work except on a casual level.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2018 13:28:38 GMT
If someone may check out at any time; physically, mentally and emotionally, the relationship cannot work except on a casual level. Thanks for this. This is a really good way of capturing all the unease I feel but could not express... for me that emotional connection is key to holding a rship together or at the very least, end it in a kind way. Ex is triggering because he did that before and then came back without warning and sense making.. and he could not understand why i was so hurt and distrusted him. which to me means he can do it again and again. Thank you. |
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Post by ocarina on Nov 28, 2018 22:06:17 GMT
anne12 and goldilocks I know now and can really admit to myself that this isn't a relationship that will work for me - or for most other women I suspect. I think my only aside would be if he was willing to consider some kind of therapeutic intervention - but given his extreme resistance to this in the past, I should think that's unlikely. Being avoidant I would rather avoid the ultimate confrontation conversation but I am getting better about this and it needs to happen before it drags on and on. I do genuinely think friendship might work - from my side at least. I mourned the relationship when we went our separate ways nearly two years ago and haven't re invested emotionally so I don't think I will be clinging on to anything. What I do realise though is that whilst he's semi around, even as a friend, the door is somewhat closed to developing a relationship with anyone else.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 29, 2018 2:43:03 GMT
You can use the @ symbol to tag people. I like how you have sorted out your thoughts and feelings. The fact that your whole circle has the manners you prefer tells me this standard is not unreasonable where you are at. There is a keen distinction between standards and expectations. lifegoalsmag.com/expectations-standards-relationship/Interesting article, though it isn't exactly against expectations which I'm surprised nobody commented on. People here seem to think expectations are a bad thing, but I'm not sure that's always the case. Ex: in a monogamous relationship you expect fidelity. Or if you have kids together, you expect the other person to actively coparent. In a marriage of combined finances, you might expect your partner to talk to you before spending thousands of dollars on something. Etc. And couples shouldn't have to talk through EVERYTHING. There are some things that are just human decency that it isn't unreasonable to expect. |
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