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Post by ocarina on Nov 29, 2018 17:53:41 GMT
Just some thoughts.
So often I read these boards and look at the DA relationship stories - poor communication, reclusive lifestyle, no friends, sometimes no sex. So very often we label these people - often men, as DA and sure, the traits fit, but given the prevalence of ASD diagnosis in children (in the UK somewhere along the lines of 2.5%) we are likely to have a whole raft of adults undiagnosed, many of whom hide the diagnosis very well outside of close relationships, don't bond easily, don't say or understand ILU. As a partner these people are frustrating and confusing and may very well come across as DA - in particular when dating past your 20s when some of the pool at least, must be still available because they are just not good at relationships. Many of them even admit this and are likely to have no idea at all that it's because they are neurologically different.
Anyway - as someone who's been there - in a relationship, with kids on the spectrum and may well have some traits herself, I do wonder if we are missing some of these unusual, often highly intelligent, attractive people - who are often loners by nature but still desire some kind of relationship and labelling them as FA/DA when there's something else going on. Interested to know what everyone thinks |
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Post by goldilocks on Nov 29, 2018 19:07:56 GMT
I think we all benefit the most when we test ourselves and work on our own issues rather than diagnosing others.
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Post by ocarina on Nov 29, 2018 22:55:49 GMT
I think we all benefit the most when we test ourselves and work on our own issues rather than diagnosing others. Wise words goldilocks - to be honest I think it's another distraction from my own inner work - back to my yoga ing - knowing for myself that part of my self sufficiency is likely to come from having some ASD traits has been helpful in seeing myself as a whole person, as not "defective" and not having some kind of disorder that requires fixing. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 29, 2018 23:55:41 GMT
I hadn't gotten around to replying, but I did appreciate Anne bringing that back up in your last thread. I hadn't thought about it, and it makes complete sense in regards to the manners. But I think knowing if it's a spectrum issue or not only informs how much change you can expect if both partners are really working together and on themselves in earnest, and not much else. Someone who is insecure, but really doing the work and really wants to, can heal. Someone who can't relate to or read social cues can learn tactics to better relate but isn't going to fundamentally be able to change into a non-spectrum person (nor should they feel they have to). In either case, is the person a match for you as is where they are at and are they capable of working through conflict with you?
Also, being on the spectrum or not or being insecure or not doesn't inform if someone is a decent or crappy person to others, or if they are the type of person who is aware they have issues but they take responsibility and manage them and don't put their issues on others (through projection or refusal to accept responsibility).
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Post by alexandra on Nov 30, 2018 0:02:42 GMT
Being on the spectrum also isn't mutually exclusive with being insecurely attached. I know someone diagnosed as both autistic and avoidant, but she takes a lot of ownership of it, has worked on the attachment aspect, and has made significant commitments and has had very long term romantic relationships.
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Post by tinyrobotman on Dec 3, 2018 21:34:35 GMT
Being on the spectrum also isn't mutually exclusive with being insecurely attached. I know someone diagnosed as both autistic and avoidant, but she takes a lot of ownership of it, has worked on the attachment aspect, and has made significant commitments and has had very long term romantic relationships. I do wonder if being avoidant is more common with folks on the spectrum. A child with ASD may have more trouble connecting with it's parents which may lead to avoidant characteristics. I can imagine a parent inadvertently overwhelming a ASD baby with too much stimulation and then the child withdrawing. I know my experience with a DA who also shows ASD characteristics it's hard to know where the ASD behaviors and the AD start and end. It's especially challenging to navigate and results in deactivating behaviors from from the avoidance and the ASD. For example the ASD characteristic of being too factual or blunt may lead to a conflict that then can't be resolved due to withdrawing avoidant behavior. Really tough and it's amazing that the person you know has managed to take ownership and work at it. |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 5, 2018 23:22:08 GMT
You mentioned this on my thread but wanted to go on the record here.
I see many of these traits in my DA/FA and if I had had this tidbit in early goings it would have been very helpful! For instance, I would have been direct with him about how I would like him reply to my texts within 24 hours if possible if we were planning an outing together. Some of his actions I thought were callous or showed lack of interest COULD have been simply a lack of awareness on his part of how I was seeing things.
Not to say that would have fixed or changed the big picture but I would have approached some smaller moments with empathy, not defensiveness.
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